Intro: Ok so this crazy idea just formed out of the blue yesterday when I was reviewing a story! I decided to turn it into a story! There is mild profanity and a few F Bombs and cussing but safe enough to achieve a "T" rating! Enjoy and Review!
And now time for my classic disclaimer!
Ehem...Disclaimer: Fuck the disclaimer, if I owned Sonic the Hedgehog would I even be sitting here and writing fanfic?! No, would I? FUCK NOOOO! I would be rich and indulging in promiscuity and bacchanalia.
You could see his gloves were soaked and dripping in the torrent of the uneasy waters "Help! Help! I'm drowning" Sonic was trying very hard to wade above the water but since he didn't know better he acted more like a big dumb rock and aided himself in plummeting into the bottom of the deep blue sea. All of this was just the unlucky outcome of a rather normal day of the blue hero, hanging about aloof and blitzing through the stony and dank landscapes of Labyrinth Zone; but carelessness had gotten him into a predicament and now the poor hero was facing imminent death caused by drowning.
He looked alarmingly at the blue abyss under him "Shit!" his lung felt like a dried prune by now, it was pretty much shrunk down due to lack of what? What? Oxygen (plus Nitrogen, Helium, Krypton, Argon etc). He gestured his hand for the bubbles to find their way to papa's mouth "C'mon bubbles! Want my bubblicious bubbles" no bubbles in sight! "A c'mon now goddammit! Need them bubbly balls of life! Balls to mouth! BALLS TO MY MOUTH!" he pointed at the virtual bubbles and signaled them to enter his mouth. Nope, no luck Sonic! Suddenly that infamous panicky sound rose dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda doodadooa doodadooda doodadooa he looked down at the screen "Fuck, 0 lives left!"
10, 9, 8...
"Haul ass! Haul ass!"
7, 6, 5...
"Bag that ass bitch! Bag bitch! Bag!"
4, 3, 2...
"MOTHERFUCKA I SAID BUBBLES, GIMME THEM BUBBLES!"
3, 2...
The thunderous tapping of thumbs could be heard abusing the greasy gaming controller.
"Make me jump fool, jump to that ledge foo'!"
1…
DEAD! Yup, he slid off the screen and "Game Over" appeared on the screen!
But no! That is not how Sonic died! This is just Sonic the Hedgehog playing as Sonic the Hedgehog on an old SEGA Genesis console!
"Ah shit!" He tossed the controller aside and sunk in to the cushiony comfy couch with both hands on his face. "I can't believe how you can suck at a game you actually star in!" His stomach groaned but suddenly the doorbell rang, "Ah, it's about time my pizza arrived! I only lose my focus when I'm hungry for after this I shall conquer you despiteful LABYRINTH ZONE!" He juiced toward the door full speed but his hunger had also lead him to be too careless and his feet got entangled on Amy's lying panties (what were they doing there? No clue!) And he pretty much flew in to the counter and his skull cracked open! Brains and blood all over the place! That was how he died!
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! "Sonic it's Cream from Matto Italian Pizzeria, I've brought the pizza you ordered!"
Yeah, Cream was a young teen looking for some chump change and worked part-time at the local Italian pizzeria. Bursting with acne and the local hormonal growth of boobs and butt, she had a proclivity for flinging expletives and various slang from her braced teeth these days.
No action on the other side, all was silent!
"Sonic you dumbass, I'll leave the pizza on the door! I expect you to pay back the cheddar or my grotty son of a bitch boss man is going to kill me!"
Payback? Well if she wanted payback in the form of milk he would definitely get his share, but money? No, since money is green and looks like grass and cows eat them!
Night had passed and in the early morning the pizza was left cold and had dried up on his doormat. The angel of death had visited him that night saying that he will be reincarnated as an animal and since Sonic was such a moral and upright citizen and enjoyed lying on grass and running around grassy fields he was corporeally brought to life as a cow beginning a new life in a new body as a four legged ungulate of the family Bovidae and let to graze in grass heaven!
He groggily came back to life, seeing everything dim and rather blurry.
"Uhh…uh… why do I feel so heavy? Did I have too much pizza last night?"
He felt a surging urge to yawn suddenly "MOOOOOOOOO!" the whole interior of the house shook from the sound! "Holy shit! What the hell was that? Sounded like a cow to me!" He looked around but couldn't see anything, though he was dead sure that there was a cow in the house somewhere! He felt really strange though, like he weighed two tons and had a bulky frame! He laggardly got up and moved forth inside his home when he suddenly saw an image in the mirror.
"Ah, so you're the cow who's making all those noises! Did the milkman accidentally bring you? Or was he feeling too generous?"
He looked behind himself to see the so called 'cow' reflection but no nothing was there, for a moment he caught the cow turning his head and facing the mirror again.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"I AM THE COW? No, no, no, no, no, nooooooooooo! This is an illusion!" he moved back and fro from the mirror but every time he passed he saw himself as a big black and white Holstein cow.
For some reason all the pieces of the puzzle were fitting together, why he felt like a 10 ton bulldozer and why he moved very slowly. His cow eyes were popping out with ferocity, the white of his big black eyes had covered most of the region of his eyeballs.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why ME!" He sobbed as all the events of last night came to his head! His negligence had traded his life for being a cow. He was mooing and swaying his head all over while lashing his tail in every random direction watching himself in the mirror! Most importantly the dreaded thought of not being able to hold the title of "The fastest thing alive" abhorred him to the core! "Now FAKER has the title! FAKER of all people!"
"I CAN'T RUN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My morning running ritual has turned into a mourning ritual!"
Suddenly his stomach groaned for he had not eaten a thing till last night. "Oh, I'm so hungry!" Sonic the Cow couldn't open the door since he was now on all fours if you didn't notice by now! "I feel so incomplete! I can't even open a door!" He had to find a way to get out of the confines of his house and look for grass to graze. With force he turned around and found the back door of his lawn open and stepped outside looking for something to stuff into his four compartmented stomach! He entered the lawn but it was pretty much a ransacked backyard overgrown by weeds. He walked toward the weeds and gave them a good sniff:
"My cow senses tell me that this doesn't feel edible. Man I'm good, not even five minutes have passed and I'm getting pretty good at being a cow!"
With nothing in the backyard he had to look for a more fresh and livelier source of food, green grass is what he desired! Sadly the backyard was constricted by the wooden fence and the wooden door was locked.
"Why do I keep on getting reminded by the fact that I can't open a door? Fuck!"
He had to bust his way out of here or he would starve. Eyeing the premise he was suddenly reminded of his beefy stature. He trod toward the farthest end of his backyard and positioned himself as any bull would when ready to stampede.
"Fuck it, I'm going to have to bust out of here!"
He let out a few quick snorts and eyed the wooden fence: "Well Sonic the Hedgehog, it takes a cow to know a cow! And I think I'm knowing pretty darn well! Let's just see how fast this baby can run!"
He trampled his front leg against the ground and shot forth with blistering inertia acting like a battering ram.
"I feel like a freakin' tank, woooooooooo! This isn't that bad but not even a hundredth of my former speed! Fence ahead! FENCE AHEAD!"
"OWWW!" Pieces and shrapnel of the wooden fence snapped and flew all over the place as the wooden nature of the sounds indicated that there certainly had been a collision.
He blasted through the fence and came to a quick step "Note to self: 1 – Cows have better breaking skills 2 – Cows are like a wrecking ball!"
He bended his head and looked back "WOOOO! Home free!"
Now that he was outside he had to find a proper food source since his front lawn wasn't better than his backyard. Suddenly he was reminded of Amy's beautiful front lawn adorned with colorful flora and fauna and lots of green grass. There wasn't any better place to go for if he went to the park he would be easily administered as a stray cow by the city municipality! and Amy could offer help to Sonic to possibly get him out of this predicament.
Amy's home wasn't too far away, she had moved in closer to Sonic to possibly stalk him on an even more basis. He finally reached the premise of the pinket's home! The grass was glowing lively under the early morning sun with specs of dew glistening on the blades of grass.
"For some reason, I find the grass to be really tempting to eat! Even more tempting than a chilidog!" Sonic the bovine walked into the grass and bent his head into the grass, munching and grinding the grass in his mouth "Hey, this is pretty good!" he was flapping his ears in satisfaction as the grass went through his "MOOOOOOOOOOO!" "Gawd, what the hell! I can't help it" by his new found natural habit he regurgitated and re-chewed his food. "Ah gross! That's nasty! Note to self: cows re-chew their food!"
At Amy's:
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
A limp hand flew in the air as it smashed the big alarm button shutting up the digital contraption for good. With a half open eyelid she groggily read the big red LCD digital display, 8:02 AM. "Ah, but it's the weekend! I want to sleep!" and with that said she stuffed the pillow on her head.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Suddenly a voice just came blasting from the lawn. "What in the Sam Hill was that?" nothing resonated anymore "Ugh…must've been hearing things…Amy you had way too much to drink last night!" but suddenly the sound rung in the air once again! "When did I have a cow sound for an alarm!" she exclaimed angrily as she kept on hitting the pillow on her head. "Wait a minute, did I just say cow?" The sound once again filled the room "OK! THAT'S IT! STRIKE THREE! I'M GONNA TAKE OUT MY HAMMER AND BLUDGEON WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS! HEADS WILL ROLL!" barely holding her stance she waded left & right and banged her on foot on her semi-open drawer "FUCK! You are so dead!" and smashed her fist on the wooden drawer as if it was a sentient being about to suffer "Ow!" the drawer yelped, maybe it was a degenerate reincarnated as a drawer? Attired in her red panties and bra she burst open the front door with her death inducing Piko Piko Hammer on her shoulder.
She looked around her front lawn, it was pretty much left in a ramshackly state. Patches of dirt had left their mark on the once existent grasses and some tulips and flowers had been plucked and trampled over by Sonic the Cow! Especially her blue and pink roses, which were planted to symbolize her and Sonic and when she saw their hideous state she just blew a fuse!
Suddenly Sonic's eyes bulged as he saw Amy having a shit-fit. Glaring at him erm the cow with fire shooting out of her eyes. "Damn, she looks sexy like that! If only she chased me like that!" Suddenly he realized there was no time to fantasize about her banging body for he was going to be today's bloody medium rare steak if he wasn't to act too soon!
"What in the DICKens is a cow doing in my lawn! I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU!" She stressed on the Dick too long!
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKCKCKCKCK!" Sonic wailed in agony!
Licking her lips for a good morning exercise regimen she prepared to go through her triple whammy she had been honing all too well this past month! Move it or lose it Sonic!
So that's it for now! Stay tuned for mooooooooore death and destruction (shitty pun, I know!) Also if you are interested in my writing I also suggest you guys to checkout my other story "The Amy Chronicles" it is completely different compared to this story.
This chapter was fortified by hours of listening to REO Speedealer!