What Would Ranma Do?

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½ nor do I make any money off writing this. I am not responsible for any insanity that may result in the reading of this tale. Warning: This is a Self-Insert! Read at your own risk. Reviews are welcome, flames are not.

Interesting Times

I was falling in my sleep. Was it true that you died when you hit the bottom? I had no intention of finding out. I forced my eyes open in time to feel by body enclosed by water. Beyond the murky surface I could make out a blue sky and white clouds. And a tall pole. There was a brief feeling of panic before I was able to settle down. Then I pushed my way to the surface.

There was a brief feeling of disorientation as I took in my surroundings. I wasn't in Kansas anymore. I wasn't even in my own body anymore. The eyes that stared back at me in my reflection revealed my own disbelief in my situation. I was at Jusenkyo in Ranma's body.

The guide was busy telling me about the cursed nature of the spring and how I was now a girl.

My eyes darted to him, and then I scanned the poles. Sure enough Genma was in panda form staring down at me.

Suddenly I was looking out of a tunnel as my vision began to fade. The shock was too much for my system and darkness claimed my mind.

I'm falling in my sleep. I wake up screaming. I'm still in Ranma's body, but I'm a male now. Genma is also back in his normal form and is coming to see what is wrong with me. The guide is coming with him. If I'm not mistaken, we're in the guides hut.

"You okay boy?" He's speaking Japanese and I understand him perfectly. It makes about as much sense as anything else that has happened so far.

I hold my head and groan. All the while I'm thinking. I know a lot about Ranma ½, but I don't know it all. Certainly there are whole chunks of his early life I don't know. There's one good way to cover that up. I look at Genma and say, "Who are you? What am I doing here?" I look down at myself. "And who am I?"

Genma stumbles back a moment in horror. "You must have hit your hit boy! That is the only reason you could possibly forget me!" Tears fill his eyes. "To think that my training regime should do this to my one and only son! Flesh of my flesh!" He turns to me with a new gleam in his eyes. "Good thing for you boy, I know the remedy."

Faster then I can react he knocks me solidly upside the head and blackness claims me

My head is really hurting when I wake up again. Genma is standing over me with a club. "Quick boy, do you remember who I am?"

I blink at him and then at the club. "My pop?"

He nods, but doesn't lower the club. "And who are you?"

I gulp. "I'm Ranma Saotome."

Nodding, he lowers the club. "So far, so good. We better see what other damage is done. Follow me."

Slipping off the bed I follow him outside. The guide is leaning back in a chair beside the door and smoking a pipe. We exchange nods as I walk by.

Genma stops, faces me and assumes a combat stance.

Sweat begins to bead on my forehead. I have no idea how to fight at the level that Ranma and his father can. I don't even know any stances, much less katas. I try to imitate what I saw Genma do and find that my body automatically falls into position. That is reason enough for a slight smile.

It doesn't last as Genma charges me. Not knowing what to do, I simply let my body react. It moves quicker then I can think and matches Genma's every move.

When the bout is done, he gives me a satisfied grin. "You seem to remember everything I've taught you about the art boy. Everything else will just fall into place."

"Sure pop, whatever you say." At some point I'm going to have to figure out exactly what my body knows. I can't rely solely on instinct, I have to be able to think and to plan. That will have to wait until later. For now instinct will be enough. I hope.

Genma is headed back to the hut. "You remember your curse boy?"

I follow along behind him. "You mean that was real? I really did become a girl?" It seems like the safest answer for now.

"I'm afraid so boy." He stops suddenly and sizes me up. "I thought you'd be more upset about it. Blame me for your own clumsiness or something."

Brushing by him, I answer. "I'm dealing. There will be time for getting you back later. Like when you're asleep."

That causes him to pause. No doubt he expected something more brash and bold. Not something so… underhanded. So dirty. Perhaps he's proud that his son is finally learning what he's been teaching. Perhaps he's scared that despite his best efforts and training his son has taken after him after all. It matters not a wit to me. I need to keep him off balance until I figure out what to do.

It only takes him a couple of minutes before he follows me back into the cabin. The guide is helping me heat water so I can wash off. He's also explaining how the curse works. None of it is new to me.

Still, there's something I need to ask first. "Isn't there a spring of drowned man or something we can jump into?"

"You very bright one sirs. Spring of drowned man right over there."

I race to it. To find it dried up. I scream.

The guide pats me on the back. "No need worry. Is out of season. Be back in a few weeks. You use then."

"We'll be leaving for Japan right away boy. We have important business there. This other spring can wait until after then." He waits for a reaction that doesn't come. Shrugging, he turns to the guide. "Can you help guide us out of this area?"

The guide nods. "Be very happy to help sirs out of region."

I can't blame him.

Our departure however is delayed.

"Ranma Saotome! Finally I have caught up with you! I'll make you regret running out on a man to man fight!" Outside the cabin a boy is standing among the pools. He has the same build as myself and is wearing traveling clothes, complete with a yellow bandana and backpack.

"Ryouga? After being three days late for a duel you follow me all the way to China to challenge me to a fight?" I don't have to fake my incredulity. The boy really does have an overdeveloped sense of vengeance.

He drops his pack with a sneer on his face. "You stole my sandwiches for a year Ranma! Then you run away from our fight. Do you expect me to forgive you for that?"

An idea occurs to me. Despite the level of success with my earlier idea regarding Genma, I decide to try it anyway. "Ryouga, I can assure you that the gods themselves have punished me on your behalf."

"I doubt that Ranma. I can't think of anything that would even begin to compare to what I've had to go through. I've chased you all through China. Do you know how large this damn country is? I've found you now and I'm not going to let you talk me out dishing out what's coming to you!" He certainly seems adamant.

"Wait here." I tell him. Then I turn into the hut and return with a basin of cold water. Once I am in his view, I upend it over myself.

His jaw drops and he stares wide eyed for a moment. "Wh… what is this?"

His brain is shutting down. Good. It will make him easier to deal with if I feed him one concept at a time. At least now he doesn't seem ready to attack me. "It was right here not one day ago that I was cursed during training. I fell into the spring of drowned girl. Now whenever I'm doused with cold water, I take the body of a young girl. Hot water reverses the process. Do you understand?"

Ryouga's eyes are glazed over. Perhaps I went too fast for him. "Are… are you really a girl?" Yes, I did go too fast for him.

The quickest route to any destination is a straight line. The same goes for finding the truth. I open my gi so he can see the truth for himself.

Sometimes however a straight line, while being the fastest route, isn't always the best or safest one. Ryouga's nose becomes a geyser of blood and he reels back several steps. Unfortunately he forgot about the pack he'd dropped off and subsequently trips over it. This in turn throws him flying into a spring.

"Very sad sir fall into spring of drowned pig. Very tragic story about pig that drown there twelve hundred year ago." The guide is ever so helpful.

For my part, I just simply watch it all like an observer to a train wreck. I shake my head. This is not going to be good.

I've always hated the rain. Now it changes me without warning. It would be easier to remain a girl then bother with the constant changing back and forth. I'm not sure if I could convince the panda-man of that though.

What a miserable scene we must make. A dour young girl carrying a pig that tries to attack her from time to time while walking beside a Panda that stands upright. All being led by a Chinese tour guide. We are all soaked, hungry and all around miserable.

Finally the rain lets up. It doesn't make me feel any better even as the sun begins to dry us off. Then up ahead of us I spot a familiar scene. It seems that the Amazons are having their annual tournament.

A plan forms in my mind. There is no way I'm getting engaged to that Shampoo girl. Still, I may just be able to ditch Panda man. And maybe bacon bits while I'm at it. I glance down at the little porker. No, I actually feel sorry for the little guy. After all, I wasn't able to stop him from getting cursed. So I'll get out of this, but I'll bring him with me.

The guide sits down on a log and lights up his pipe. I miss my own pipe. Best not to start that habit here though. I need my body to be in top condition. Still, I enjoy the aroma as I sit down beside him. The smell of the food infiltrates my nostrils and my stomach painfully reminds me that it's been days since I've had anything other then water to fill it. The temptation is strong, but I resist.

Beside me Panda man is pigging out. By Ryouga's squirming I can tell he'd like to do the same. I hold him fast. It won't do if my 'pet' pig gorges on the prize. A sinister smile lifts my lips as I watch Genma. I'll be rid of him and he'll have to pay for his larceny in one fell swoop.

As expected, Shampoo wins. She comes over to claim her hard won prize to find a Panda mowing down on it. She turns to me and says something in Chinese. The guide interprets for me. "She say, What your Panda do?"

I glance at the Panda in question. I turn back to the Amazon and say, "That's not my Panda. I don't own him, and I'm not responsible in anyway for his actions." The guide conveys my words to her.

Shampoo speaks again and again the guide interprets for me. "Then you no mind Shampoo claim for very own?'

I shrug. "Do what you want with him." The guide dutifully translates.

Meanwhile Genma has been getting increasingly frantic as hungry Amazons begin to surround him. He's a big boy. I'm sure he'll find a way out of this.

He does.

The cagey bastard drops down to all fours and starts brushing his head against my thigh affectionately. Like a tame and loving pet.

There is muttering from the crowd and Shampoo's face is turning red. Her words come to me via the guide. "You try trick Shampoo. Now we fight."

Before I can say, I don't want to fight you, one of her bonbori is racing for my head.

My body reacts.

Shampoo sails through the air in a graceful arc.

I'm left to blink as she stands up. I can't believe what I just did. I'm still stunned as she comes up to me and kisses my cheek.

The guide is dragging the three of us away as fast as he can. There is only one thing on my mind. 'Damn, I didn't even get to eat anything.'

Shampoo has been tracking us relentlessly. The guide abandoned us to our fate several days ago when she nearly took his head with her bonbori. That damn Amazon doesn't care who gets in the way as long as she gets at me. What kind of stupid Amazon law is that anyway? Some beats you in combat, so you have to kill them? Isn't that akin to suicide? I've already proven that I'm the better fighter, to challenge me to a death match is insane.

Currently she is chasing us down the road while firing arrows at Pop and I. Our packs already have a small arsenal embedded in them. I'm getting sick of running from this maniac. The problem is that I don't yet have enough conscious control of my body to risk a fight with her. Either I hurt her really badly or make a wrong move and end up dead. It wouldn't matter anyway. As a girl, the only way I can stop her is to kill her. Stupid Amazons.

But there are other ways. "Pop! You remember that house we passed a couple of miles back?"

He nods in the affirmative.

"Good, circle back and get some hot water from them. I'll catch up to you there." I toss him Ryouga who is still stuck as a pig. "And take Ryouga here with you."

Catching the pig, he veers off the road.

To ensure that Shampoo doesn't get distracted, I turn my head and stick my tongue out at her.

I shriek as I just barely duck under an arrow. All I have to do now is lose the lunatic. I really wish I had thought this far ahead.

There is a chance. There is no choice.

I turn to face her in battle. Dodging arrows, I close the distance between us. As soon as we're in grappling range I let my body do its stuff. One blow knocks her out. Grabbing some rope out of my backpack I have her hogtied in no time. Throwing her over my shoulder, I head back to the house we passed.

She comes to and starts to struggle. I'm being cursed in Chinese. Shampoo can no better understand my explanations then I can her expletives. It won't matter soon. A kettle of water is worth a thousand words.

Ryouga and Genma are waiting for me on the road. Both are in their natural forms and have a kettle going for me.

"What are you doing?" Ryouga demands. "What do you plan to do to that poor girl?"

"Poor girl?" I snort. "She's been trying to kill us for nearly a week now. Remember that time you wandered off and almost ended up as a sweet and sour dish for her?"

A blush crosses Ryouga's face as he blushes. "This is all your fault Ranma!"

"No, it isn't." I reply with dead calm. "I'm not responsible for her actions. It was pop that ate her prize."

"It's because of you I'm cursed!" He says with his usual level of reason.

"No one made you follow me here. I didn't push you into the spring, you tripped over your own bag and fell in." I shake my head. "Look Ryouga, we've been over this. Without pop and I to guide you, you'll never make it out of China. You'd probably end up in France, and trust me, you don't want to ask the French for directions."

I drop Shampoo unceremoniously on the side of the road. Then, standing where she can see me, I dump some hot water on my head.

She gasps when she sees the male me.

Then I dump cold water over my head.

The Amazon frowns at me and yells something I've come to relate to murder.

Again I dump warm water over my head.

Shampoo doesn't seem to know what to make of it, so I repeat the process with the other two. I don't warn them of course, so naturally they object. She still doesn't seem to quite understand. Probably never heard of Jusenkyo before now. And I can't explain it to her.

"Great going boy, now she'll recognize us in any form." Genma knocks me in the back of the head.

"Damn it old man, stop doing that!" I'm quite cross. "I'm just hoping she'll realize that I'm really a boy."

Ryouga has his arms crossed. "What good will that do?"

It's true that they don't know about the other Amazon law. "To hell with it." I curse. "Lets just go."

"And leave her like this?" Ryouga protests.

"She'll be fine." I start to walk away. "Come on before you get lost."

He's hesitant but follows us.

Shampoo's curses follow us for some time.

My plan seems to have worked. We haven't seen Shampoo in some time. That has given the three of us the time to train together. That works best when we've had a chance to turn back to normal for a while. Most times however we are in our cursed forms. It is after all the rainy season.

In our three way battle marathons I am learning what my body can do. By practicing Katas, I am learning to control what my body can do.

We are only a days travel from the coast.

I come up with an idea. "Hey pop, do you think we'll be able to bind in my chest so I can pass as a guy all the time?"

We try it.

I can't breathe. After passing out from pain or lack of oxygen or both, I refuse to ever try it again. Genma is sorely disappointed.

Soon enough we are sneaking on board a boat headed back for Japan.