AN: Utter crack at 3AM. I hope it hasn't been done before. Inspiration to this were two unsourced sketches from a video by my friend that hasn't been uploaded to anywhere. So basically it's almost as if it was a really original idea, you know?
Disclaimer: The Good Directorate owns everything unless you steal it. I stole this.
Disclaimer 2.0: I own everything.
„A what did what?" Charles asked.
"A radioactive cat." Engie explained.
"Elaborate." The Sniper's eye twitched.
"With three glowing green eyes." Engie indeed elaborated.
"What a fascinating concept. Go on." It would take a single bullet. He could get right back to his expired tuna.
"The usual, you know? Four legs, a tail, some ears. Grass growing from under its feet."
("The Lifealope. A stray of our kind." The Biomatrix offered.)
"Mhhm." He chewed for a few seconds. "Well?"
"Well I woke up and it was rubbing against my fur! And now it won't stop growing."The Engineer's voice broke towards the end.
It did explain his rather special visage.
At this point Charles was having trouble to see any of the upper half of Engie's body. Also trouble with not laughing. "What do you expect me to do about it?"
"Kill it! That's how you stop magic in TV shows." Engie decided.
Charles stopped dead in his tracks. "No."
"It would take a single bullet! You could get right back to your expired tuna!" He whined.
Charles grinned slightly under his mask.
"Yes. I could."
…
Thirty minutes and a good laugh later they set out in the search of a kitten. Charles explained that no, he was not going to shoot a kitten. Engie explained that no, he had no other coat, and no, he could not take off the fur as it just grew into the hood.
"So you are saying that you accepted the existence of magic. Just like that."
"Yes."
"Any other, you know, scientific explanations?"
"For dead fur growing faster than bamboo? Just technobabble. I could tell you that the excess radiation of the kitten revitalized the cells and enhanced their multiplication rate." Engie shrugged and continued cutting the fur vigorously. It was a rather bad furcut, but he was definitely working under pressure.
"Why don't you then?" Charles inquired, actually curious. It seemed vaguely plausible. In the way that AIs and alien scarves did.
"Because it's bullshit! That can't happen, it's just impossible. Radiation kills people, it doesn't revive them. That's why I am freaking out about a radioactive kitten. One next to my head."
"Pretty much everything is radioactive these days." Charles shrugged. He rose from the bed under which he was looking. "Anyway it was next to you for just like, sixty sec-" he stopped abruptly as he turned to Engie.
"What?" The Engineer growled. A soft meow came from the left side of his face. He froze. "Charles, shoot it."
"I am not going to shoot the kitten!" The Sniper growled. "It likes you. I can't imagine why."
The Engineer turned his head slightly towards the kitten. It stuck its head in his face. He whimpered slightly, but didn't dare to move. The kitten started licking the fur and meowing softly. Engie watched the fur very closely.
"Charles." he called out. "Come here. Does it seem to you that it stopped growing?"
The Sniper shrugged. "Kinda, yeah."
The kitten suddenly turned and started walking away on the shelf where it originally stood. The fur sprang back to life and fluffed all over the Engineer's face.
"No, kitty! Come on, lick my fur!" he called out after it. Charles fell on the bed in a fit of laugher.
Engie chased after the cat. As he caught it, narrowly avoiding grabbing its tail instead, it meowed angrily, but decided to relent as he stuck it back in his face, effectively facepalming with a kitten.
…
Engie was holding the sleeping kitty zipped inside his coat, only its head sticking out a few centimeters under his chin. He frowned under the mask.
"Are you sure, Engie? Having a pet is a huge responsibility." Charles joked and laughed alone. "We could get you something easier to take care of. Maybe a nice worm, or even a rat skeleton."
"Shutupshutupshutup." Engie chanted, blushing furiously.
"Seriously, do you even know how to take care of a cat?" Charles asked.
"Can't be that hard." Doomed. Everybody was doomed. The place was going to get nuked again.
…
Later that evening, Pilot sneezed.
AN: And with this, I am off again. Interested ladies, feel free to imagine yourself in the place of said kitten. Reviews are motivation for more kitten stories!