Jack sighed. Ianto wanted him to say it...he just couldnt. It hurt too much. If he said it, it made it twelve billion times worse. He'd married, loved, had kids, lost them, buried them. And each time was worse than the last. It was like nothing else. A never ending, stomach churning burning sensation that never seemed to end. It shattered his psyche and his equilibrium. He couldnt get himself to eat, or drink, nothing. It hurt too much.
If ianto ever worked up the courage to tell him he doesnt know what he'd do... Hed have to say it back. Hed be a mess of emotion within the hour though. He couldnt fall in love though. He couldnt. He wouldnt. Thats why he hated the word couple. He coud never be a part of one. A relationship, very very strong word. He just refused it because it would break him this time. He was fragile even with Ianto by his side. And after grey and john and tosh and owen he wouldnt hold if gwen or ianto, epescially ianto, was to die.
It nearly pushed him over the edge in 1999 with alex. It nearly drove him to buying a suicide attempt when Shylae and their little girl died in 1867. It nearly drove him over the edge when the family that had taken him in after he married May in 1910 died along with may. There were so many more. And all those memorys still held immense pain if he were to let them take over for just a second.
Ianto was different than the others somehow. He was more important. He was...perfect. and when he lost his beautiful welshman he would break down and cry and weep until there were no more tears because he loved him. He...loved...him. he couldnt. He didnt. But...maybe...no. no. It cant be. But maybe it is... it has to be.
He had to tell ianto. But maybe...he could let tosh tip ianto off first, get him a bit ready. Or maybe ianto will say it with the right push...god he was a coward. But he hadnt done this since 1999 with Wil.