Of all the places in the world to go when the world was crashing down, why the hell did I pick the place that reminded me so much of him? This was the place where I took my first steps…of course they were to him. This is where most of my birthday parties were held until I was around five or six. So many tears, laughs, skinned knees and "booboos" happened here at this park. I couldn't bring myself to sit on the tire swing that was once the center of my childhood, so I sat in the bench right next to it. I couldn't go home; not after what my mom told us. Hell, ever since my father died it had been one intense blow after another. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. As if my father having an affair for over 25 years without any of us knowing wasn't enough pain…he had a daughter with her too. Rebecca. The name sounded foul even in my mind.

She was twenty, two years older than me. Apparently Holly, the infamous mistress, didn't even tell her own daughter who her real father was. At least, that's what I was told with my big sister Kitty and brother Justin. How my mom could believe anything that came from Holly's mouth, I had no idea. To me, she was poison and I hated her. I've never hated anyone in my entire life but I can't even stomach her. I guess six kids weren't enough for my father. I wondered just how many birthdays of mine he missed spending time with her. He was always working, he said. Yeah, right. Justin had just gotten out of rehab; how many more of these blows could he take before he completely falls apart? Or maybe it's just me. Justin and Kitty were simply stoned faced and shocked. Then again, they weren't criers to begin with. My mom told us in her stern, authoritarian voice. When we were little, we called it her "teacher's voice." Now that I'm older, though, I knew that she was trying to keep her tears in check. I could hear her heart breaking as she tried to put on a brave front for us, me especially. She always seemed to think that the more to-the-point she is, the more business-like, the less it would hurt. She thought it would make me feel better if she said he loved us. I couldn't take it anymore…I was tired of being Little Miss Sunshine for the family. I was tired of the fake smiles, the lies, the fact that my other siblings, Sarah, Tommy and Kevin, already knew and didn't tell us…what family was this? I felt like the world was spinning.

My insides felt like they were exploding in a rage-filled volcano. I was tired of always pretending that I was okay with everything. I started yelling and I never yell. My siblings looked at me like I was an alien from another planet as I screamed that he never loved us.

"All he loved was the Brady Bunch image!" I yelled, voice cracking. "We weren't good enough…we never were, Mom!"

"Oh, Emma, sweetie," my mom started.

"No!" I screamed. "Nothing you say is going to make this right. Ever! We aren't a family. It's a lie, nobody can stand each other. He couldn't even stand us. He put us into bankruptcy, had an affair and now this….I can't…I don't…"

Tears filled my eyes and my mother's as she watched me struggle to contain my emotions. Even Kitty looked like she was on the verge of crying, which under any other circumstances, would have scared me. Sarah, my oldest sister and second mother, had her hand over her mouth and closed her eyes.

"And Sarah, you knew! For months you knew and you didn't tell us…you and dad and your damn secrets!" I vented. "No wonder he liked you best since you're both liars; hiding things when it benefits you!"

"Emma, that's enough!" My mother interrupted in her teacher voice. "Now I know you are upset, we all are. But this isn't helping anyone."

"Come here, Emma," Justin whispered, trying to take me into his arms.

"No!" I screamed, squirming away. "I can't do this! This is too much. I can't be in this family. What family?"

With that, I ran out the door, slamming it behind me.

I honestly had no idea where I was going until I ended up in that park. I was breathless and sweaty, my face soaked with the salty combination of tears and sweat. As I sat on the bench, I watched the other kids playing like they didn't have a care in the world. No one noticed my tears, which I was thankful for. I envied those kids as they screamed in glee and laughed like hyenas at the zoo. Why did they get to be happy while my world was crumbling down around me? Across the park, there was a little girl being pushed on a swing by her father. She had honey colored hair and a bright pink sweater. Her dad was looking at her as if she was the princess of the entire planet and he was in awe.

"Higher, Daddy!" She shrieked.

The lump that seemed permanently lodged in my throat grew larger and I felt like I swallowed an entire block of ice. I used to be like that little girl; thinking that her daddy could make her touch the sky. To me, my dad had always been perfect and I was always trying to get his attention. I was his baby, or so I thought. Was Rebecca his "baby?" Being the youngest of a family of adults made me feel like I constantly had to prove that I was just as smart and capable as my siblings. But it was hard to compete with Kevin the lawyer, Tommy the businessman, Kitty the star, Justin the soldier and Sarah the superwoman. Now I had to add Rebecca the whatever to the list.

This had been the year from hell for sure. Tears flooded my vision. All I wanted to do was ask my father if he ever even loved me. Now I couldn't. All my family seemed to do lately was fight; the only person keeping me sane was Justin. But in six months he would be headed back to Afghanistan, leaving me alone to fear for him. I couldn't believe I pushed him away when all he wanted to do was help. He probably hated me; they all will when they process what I said. Regret filled my body like a cancer. I looked as the sun was about to set, coloring the sky with pink, orange, and red strips of cotton candy clouds. It was getting chilly but I didn't care. All I knew was I couldn't go back to that house after what I said. They probably didn't want me there anyway. New tears filled my eyes.

"Hey, shrimp," a voice from behind me said.

I wiped my eyes quickly, startled. I didn't have to look to know it was Justin. I should have known he would find me. He came and sat next to me. I refused to look at him, knowing if I saw the hurt that I knew was in his eyes, I would completely fall apart. He sighed but didn't touch me. I could feel his eyes on me.

"You gave us quite the scare, ya know." He said. "Running out like that. That wasn't like you, Emma."

There is was…the disappointment.

"I'm sorry," I croaked. "I just wanted to be alone."

He chuckled. "I know how it is, don't worry. You're a lot like me, keeping everything inside until one day you just explode. But you were alone for about," he paused and looked at his watch, "three hours. Now it's time to talk."

"Three hours?" I exclaimed.

I guess time flies when you are completely miserable.

"Yep. They all wanted to go after you but I told them to let you be."

"Do Kevin and Tommy know?" I asked, just making sure all of my siblings hated me.

"You know the gossip train in our family; running 24 hours. Of course they know. Where's your phone? I think we've all called you a billion times."

"In my room," I answered meekly. "I wouldn't have answered anyway."

I sighed and struggled to keep my emotions in check. Justin moved closer to me so our shoulders were touching. He stroked my hair for a few seconds.

"Let it out, Emma. You don't have to be strong for me."

I couldn't speak. Where would I even begin after everything that had happened? I wasn't used to all this crying and my voice sounded foreign to my own ears.

"It's just our family never gets a break. Ever. It's like someone put a curse or something. First Dad died, then we find out we are bankrupt, he had an affair, you were on drugs, Paige got diabetes's, Tommy can't have kids, Kevin is always ruining relationships and Kitty almost got fired. Sarah and Joe are probably going to get a divorce and no one likes each other! Holly is taking over Dad's company and Uncle Sal is in love with her. Everyone is always fighting about something. I can't even breathe without wanting to cry anymore. But I can't cry because I have to be happy. I have to always be happy for…you and Mom and everyone else. I can't…"

Tears ran down my cheeks in a waterfall. I didn't think a human body could produce as much tears as were falling down my face. Justin put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close.

"Why, sweetie? Why do you think you're the only one who can't cry or be upset?"

"Because," I said between muffled sobs, "I'm the one that cheers everyone up. I am the one that makes sure no one else falls apart. I always have."

"Except you're the one destroying yourself on the inside. It's not your job to keep it all inside or be anyone's counselor. Okay? You are entitled to every emotion you have. I should have seen it, damn it. I should have seen how much you were struggling before you exploded tonight. But I was too wrapped up in myself and I'm sorry for that." He pulled me even closer and kissed the top of my head.

"It's okay. I mean, you were dealing with addiction and almost being forced back to war. You don't need to apologize."

I couldn't believe he was apologizing to me when I was the one who was so wrong.

"Well, I'm here now and I won't go anywhere. Tell me everything." He said, pulling away to look at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Tell me everything that is in that beautiful little head of yours. Every last emotion, I want to know."

I couldn't help but chuckle grimly.

"You know I hate venting, Justin."

"Well, you just so happen to be on the brink of a breakdown and don't deny it. You've got to tell someone, honey. I'm your big brother; it's part of my job to be there for you and listen. So speak," he said, giving me a gentle nudge.

I sighed.

"You see that tire swing over there?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Well, that was my favorite thing to do with Dad when I was little…swing on that stupid swing. Sometimes he would push me around in circles for hours and I never got bored. I would close my eyes and pretend he was sending me into the sky." I pushed a stray hair out of my face. "I took my first steps here and I walked straight to him. I loved him so much, Justin. But…now…now…I don't know how I feel anymore. I didn't even know him, not the real him. Sometimes I even wonder why I miss him. Sometimes I even don't. I know that makes me a bad person but I can't help it. And Holly is always around now like some kind of bug everyone is afraid to kill. I hate her, Justin, I really do. It scares me because I don't hate anyone. What kind of person am I? I said such awful things to you guys back at the house, especially Sarah and I'm so sorry. I wouldn't be shocked if you guys hated me now."

I didn't pay attention to the tears running down my face until I felt Justin's strong, callused thumbs brushing them away.

"Baby, no one in this family will ever hate you!" He exclaimed. "I don't know what planted that crazy idea into your brain but I don't ever want to hear you say that again. Don't even think it! You aren't a bad person because you're human. No one expects flowers and smiles from anyone all the time. You just found out your father has been lying to you your entire life. I would say your reaction is perfectly normal. You have this thing where you think you have to be perfect in order for us to love you. This family isn't a competition…granted it can feel that way. Don't apologize for what happened tonight. No one is mad at you. Okay?"

I nodded slowly. He put his arm around me again and kissed my cheek.

"Rebecca," I whispered.

"What, sweetie?"

"Rebecca," I repeated. "I wonder what she's like. Do you think she's nice?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, Emma."

"Do you think Dad spent a lot of time with her?"

"No, baby, I don't."

"I hope she's not like Holly…I hate her."

He playfully shook me. "Don't keep saying that. You don't even know how to hate. That's why I love you so much."

He affectionately pinched me on the cheek and I had to smile.

"You've got a heart of gold, Emma Nicole Walker, and don't you ever forget it."

"I love you too, Justin. I'm going to miss you so much."

"Come here," he said and pulled me into a bear hug, squeezing me.

I almost couldn't breathe with how tight he had me against his chest.

"Justin, kinda being squished here," I said laughing.

He squeezed me tighter. "Oh, shush, I don't do this nearly enough. I love you."

"Good," I said, voice muffled. "You can say that at my trial after you suffocate me! Kevin will be my attorney."

He laughed and let me go.

"I don't think so! He would definitely be mine!" Justin teased.

"He likes me better," I teased back, sticking my tongue out.

"Everyone likes you better!"

"Yeah, but maybe with Rebecca…" the teasing left my voice.

"Oh, I get it." He said slowly. "You think that you're gonna lose your place in this family?"

"No!" I said quickly.

"You think I don't know you…come on. Well, Emma, let me tell you something. No one is ever going to take your place. It's not even possible. No one is as pretty as you, as smart, funny, and kind. No one is gonna change that."

I hid a smile and looked at the ground.

"I saw that!" He teased. "Don't even try to hide it."

He tickled my sides and made me explode in giggles.

"Say it…Justin, you are the best brother ever and can make me smile no matter what," he laughed while he tickled me.

Luckily everyone had left the park and didn't have to hear my shrieks.

"Fine...Justin…you…are the best…brother…ever and….ahhh…can make me smile…no matter what!" I was already breathless.

Justin always tickled me to death; it was sort of our "sibling thing." He grinned and stopped.

"Well, shrimp, it's getting dark. You ready to go home?"

"Yes," I said. "They're gonna attack me no matter what."

He smiled wryly and stood. "Now you finally get it. But are you feeling any better?"

I nodded and smiled back. "Yes, actually. Who would have thought you could be sensitive?"

"Ah, nah," he laughed and pulled me up. "Just with you."

As we walked down the path, I realized there was one more question I needed to ask.

"Justin?"

"Emma?"

"How did you know where to find me?"

"You aren't as slick as you think, baby." He teased, throwing an arm around me. "Everything is gonna be okay one day. You'll see."

"I hope so."

"Trust your big brother for once, will ya?" He exclaimed.

I laughed. "I trust you, Justin."

There was nothing else for me to do but hope.