Hold On Loosely
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Lugo, Oblina's family butler, makes an appearance in the episode 'Lifestyles Of The Rich And Monstrous'. He's polite, unflinchingly loyal, and seemed to be on great terms with most of his employers (Sublima is the exception because she takes exception to everyone.) Ickis, of course, is quite unpopular among his classmates but has a knack for befriending characters outside of his own generation, or even his own species. I felt Lugo and Ickis deserved a few more scenes together so their personalities had more of a chance to play off each other.
Lugo thought he could get used to anything. He did, after all, take orders from Madame Sublima. Privately, he believed she exemplified all the worst traits of the nouveau riche, haughty, slothful, and self-centered. But Mister Skeech thought the world of his wife (who had at least provided him with a charmingly revolting daughter, Miz Oblina), and Lugo still felt a great deal of respect towards his bonstyhood friend and courteous employer. Just by working in their mansion, he felt he understood a little about how stupid monsters with squishes could be. That's why he wasn't surprised when partway through his daily chore of tarnishing the brass knockers he heard one of young Miz Oblina's friends approach.
"Lugo! Hey Lugo! Can you talk?" Ickis yelled.
Lugo sighed and adjusted his bowtie. "Talking is not a requirement for a butler, but I have been known to engage in conversations every so often." Lugo answered.
"Um, I really don't wanna engage -you- in anything. I kinda have other plans in that regard." Ickis insisted.
"I'm sure you do, young master." Lugo allowed. "Miz Oblina is not here. Her parents have requested her presence this weekend and they have gone shopping."
"That's what I'm here about! A present for Oblina! I can't believe you knew that already! I guess butlering's a smart monster job, isn't it?" Ickis chattered.
"It has its moments." admitted Lugo. "If you would like me to take your... bonsty blanket, you may wait in front of the servant's entrance until Mister Skeech and his family return."
"It's a hooded cape." Ickis clarified. "Oblina likes me to dress warm in winter."
"Not exactly dressing for success, but I s'pose it was the best you could up with. Monsters who have not, must make do with what they have." Lugo replied.
"See, you know what I'm talking about! You an' me, we got commonalities!" Ickis chirped.
"Perhaps. Although I believe -I- would be more grammatically correct in my assessments, Master Ickis. Furthermore, I would appreciate it if you would NOT stress the common aspect -quite- so much." responded Lugo.
"Jus' fine! You already learned that 'upper crud' attitude, right Lugo? That's what makes you the perfect monster to help me pick out Oblina's gift! If left on my own, I'd probly choose something dumb." Ickis persisted.
"I don't doubt that. However, I am a very busy monster Master Ickis, so as much as I would like to go gallivanting somewhere with Little Red Bonstyhood I'm afraid I must respectfully decline the invitation." Lugo announced.
Ickis frowned. "That's almost like what the Gromble told me. Except there was more laughing, and more comparisons to rancid ringworms which is really NOT a good recipe, you wanna deep-fry 'em so they're crispy! Dad would show you how, he doesn't usually let me handle anything flammable, which is ALSO unfair cause I didn't even burn my paw bad enough to blister for more'n a day an' I think given practice I woulda done -much- better! Wait, what we were talking about?" Ickis wondered.
"It's a secret to everyone." Lugo supplied.
"Oh yeah! The Gromble was yelling at me, he does that alot but today he jus' laughed mostly when I asked him what I should get Oblina, but he did use the same nickname you chose! It's from one of them scary tales, isn't it?" Ickis questioned.
"Yes. In her younger years, Miz Oblina was rather fond of those adventures. Of course, she has since moved on to more sophisticated literature. She had a rather extensive collection before Madame Sublima... went overboard in trashing the rooms." Lugo recalled.
Ickis huffed. "You mean when she incinerated all'a Oblina's favorite things! That was sooo awful, Oblina actually LIKES books! Her mother -never- shoulda have done that." Ickis complained.
Lugo smiled. "You disapprove of Madame Sublima's actions?" he commented.
"Of course! Moms are s'posed to be nice an' never scold their bonstys or make them go to bed when they're not even tired." Ickis opined.
"I do not believe mothers act like that outside of fantasies." Lugo stated.
Ickis looked downcast. "Are you sure? Cause moms might -be- a little like that, I think they would try at any rate." he maintained.
Lugo considered this. "I s'pose that if the -father- was kind, then the mother MIGHT be inspired to act the same way. Eventually. One would hope for that, even if they had to wait over a century to see any evidence of such behavior." Lugo reasoned.
"Yeah! That's gotta be it!" Ickis agreed. "An' I bet even if they -did- make you go to bed, they'd want you to have a story first! THAT'S what Oblina needs!"
"A kind mother?" Lugo questioned. "It's a nice idea, but perhaps you should aim for something a bit more... plausible."
"No, she's getting a story! I'm gonna buy back one of the books Oblina liked so much. It'll be perfect!" Ickis declared.
"Master Ickis, are you aware of how much rare books cost?" Lugo inquired.
"It's 2 toenails if you're late with a book from the Academy library. But Nesdak doesn't usually charge me the fee cause they only give you one week to check out, an' that's not enough time for the hardbacks, but as long as I read through most chapters she doesn't mind." Ickis answered.
"Miz Oblina's favorite volumes cost considerably -more- than that, I'm afraid." Lugo pointed out.
"Maybe they'll barter for it? I got stuff I'd be willing to trade." Ickis offered.
"You really ARE determined to impress Miz Oblina." Lugo marveled.
"Whatever Oblina wants, Oblina gets." Ickis asserted. "She only gets one birthday a year, so she oughtta have something special to show for it."
"Very well. I shall delegate the remaining tasks among the other servants and accompany you to town, Master Ickis." Lugo decided.
"Yes! This is gonna be so awesome! Wait'll Oblina sees her surprise. She'll be so happy, she could melt!" predicted Ickis.
Lugo struggled not to laugh. "Miz Oblina is not given to theatrics. It is likely she would have a more subdued reaction." Lugo remarked. "Wait right here, and I shall be with you shortly." he instructed.
"Sure, sure." Ickis waved him off, intent on reveling in his upcoming glory. "She'll be ecstatic. I can jus' picture it! 'Icky, I love it! You're wonderful! You are the best monster a girl could -ever- know! It's amazing how I failed to realize that all these semesters, when it is -such- an obvious truth. Now at last, I see the light!'" he proclaimed enthusiastically.
Ickis couldn't help staring at Lugo when the butler returned. "That's a really neat hat." he remarked.
"It is a traveler's cap." Lugo insisted. "Like the chauffeur uniform I wear when carrying the rickshaw, it signifies my occupation."
"Like a superhero mask!" exclaimed Ickis. "Although yours is a little dark, maybe it's meant to be more of a supervillain theme? They DO have some heroes who wear black outfits but they tend to be vigilantes who operate outside of the law. Course the citizens sometimes argue that Ultra Monster is also like that, an' he's one of the most noble characters ever! He's all about upholding truth, justice, an' the monster way!"
"Those are very broad characteristics." Lugo commented.
"Yeah, maybe that's why his multiverse counterparts are -such- jerks! Or why Ultra Monster gets turned evil for a single issue at least one a year! Or why Stink Boy always ends up helping the villains escape whenever he tries to a solo hero!" professed Ickis.
"And yet you are fascinated by these formulaic exploits." Lugo observed.
"The art's really good." Ickis detailed. "Specially when Stankir is penciling! He's got this method, fans call it the Stankir dots, for drawing energy blasts an' explosions an' junk that is amazing! You fill part of the image with small black dots arranged in a fractal pattern, an' then you color the area around it an' you can jus' feel the energy crackling off'a the page! Ka-blam! Saaay! If you were watching the house, an' now you're watching me, who is watching Oblina an' her folks?" Ickis wondered.
"Morgaf." Lugo supplied. "He's new and could use the experience."
"Oh. But don't you WANT him to stay part of the staff?" Ickis questioned.
Lugo smirked. "I think Morgaf can handle one day of carting around Madame Sublima. I personally recommended him for the job." Lugo detailed.
"Okay, so you've always hated Morgaf. Good to know." Ickis answered.
"Master Ickis, I believe you misunderstood. Morgaf is my second cousin." Lugo persisted.
"I understand. The Gromble gets annoyed with his family too. He's always trying to ditch them." Ickis replied.
"Master Ickis..." Lugo tried once more to get his point across.
"I don't like ditching other monsters cause they're always doing that to ME an' it feels lousy." Ickis supplied. "You should be nicer to your cousin, Lugo. He's only the second one you've got."
"Actually, I have two cousins, and three second cousins. Lineage can be a very complicated matter in species that are long-lived." Lugo clarified.
"I have a Dad. He's the Great Slickis and he's really famous!" Ickis volunteered.
"Yes, Miz Oblina holds him in high regard. I'm very glad she took that biography to the Academy for safe-keeping." noted Lugo.
"I'm not. That's the only book I could replace, no problem!" Ickis commented. "...But maybe it isn't -quite- the same. Dad had to get another yearbook, an' he got almost everybody's signature back, but for those who couldn't he still 'members what they wrote the first time."
"And what was that?" Lugo prompted.
"'Dear Mr. Slickis, I'm so glad I met you. I know for sure you are the squishiest monster ever! And you have great taste in fasteners, I'll wear it always. I can't wait to be your bride. XOXO Squelia.' That's one. 'Slick, some of those Sewerball victories were kinda impressive. Kinda. Take care of my sister or I'll pounce you. You're not THAT tough. I mean it! Yaggoroth.' That's the other." Ickis answered.
Lugo was mildly surprised. "Yaggoroth actually believed he could take on -your- father and win?!" he questioned.
Ickis shrugged. "Uncle Yaggy was voted Academy Fluff-head, even before Mister Horvak flunked out." Ickis explained.
"Hmmm. One further question, Master Ickis. You call Miz Oblina's parents 'Miz Sublima and Mister Skeech'. I assume these are honorific titles although Miz is more appropriate from an unmarried female, it is sometimes applied colloquially to all ladies." Lugo began.
Ickis nodded. "Yup." he agreed.
"And 'Mister Horvak' is also given a title, perhaps because he is related to Master Krumm? And yet you have consistently referred to ME as just Lugo. Why is that?" wondered Lugo.
"Same reason Nesdak an' Plastoog are jus' Nesdak an' Plastoog. They're my friends. I thought you could be the same, Oblina seems to think you're really nice." Ickis clarified.
"I won't completely dissuade you from that notion." allowed Lugo.
"Hey look! There's a buncha stores! One of them -has- to have the perfect gift, c'mon!" Ickis squeaked excitedly as he dragged Lugo into the first monster boutique.
Ickis stared in amazement at all the objects inside the store. He'd never seen so many different trinkets and baubles and accessories.
"Try not to let your jaw drop, young master. It is considered impolite." Lugo instructed.
"This is what rich monsters buy? There's so much of it, how could they possibly use it all?" Ickis marveled.
"They don't, Master Ickis. They just use it until they get bored, and something -else- strikes their fancy." Lugo claimed.
Ickis coughed, staggering from the aromas. "Bleah. They sure got alot of stink fume bottles in here. I guess I could see a girl wearing one scent jus' to get some positive stinking, but wouldn't that many odors start crowding each other out, an' interfere with their reg'lar scent?" he questioned.
"Not every monster can pick up on those subtle nuances." Lugo stated.
"Your scent's weird Lugo. It's balanced between fatalism an' hopefulness." Ickis announced.
"That's quite prevalent in the serving class." Lugo acknowledged.
A clerk whirled around to greet them. "Welcome to Skank's, Fifth Avenue." the clerk intoned.
"HE doesn't smell hopeful. He smells irritated an' bored." Ickis pointed out.
"Retail requires a different -kind- of servitude." Lugo explained. "Good day sir." Lugo bowed to the clerk.
"Good day... Lugo, was it? Are you here on behalf of Miz Sublima?" the clerk asked.
"I'm afraid not. We might be interested in something for her daughter, however..." Lugo began.
"Do you got any books?" Ickis piped up. "Girlie books, I think that's what we need."
Lugo smacked his paw in frustration. "No Master Ickis, that is NOT how you should phrase that request." muttered Lugo.
"Whatever you got's fine. Are they behind the counter or what? Jus' wrap it in black plastic and then we'll go." Ickis detailed.
The clerk scowled. "Why don't you leave NOW?" he snapped.
"Yes sir. Master Ickis, I believe we have overstayed our welcome." Lugo directed Ickis out of the store.
"I think that clerk has no understanding of marketing. You have to push the product, that's what Lerkayner says an' he's Dad's agent." Ickis insisted as soon as they were outside.
"Your father has an agent?" Lugo wondered. "I would think any monster who was as big of a celebrity as the Great Slickis would be a little more... financially secure."
"He doesn't get all of it, Lerkayner takes 20 percent which is a pretty steep cut when you think about it but Dad says he deserves it cause of a favor so I don't get to question that. Also Dad had to do some repair work on the house first, an' then he had to give Mister Horvak some toenails to help with the mold farm. That's cause Mister Horvak got divorced an' the settlement made him pay extra but he got custody of Krumm so nobody has to live in New Jersey with the Mets fans who don't know how lousy their ball team. An' then I guess Dad gave a buncha donations to the Academy, that's why the Sewerball field is sooo much bigger an' nicer now! Um... an' maybe I kinda add alot of bills cause I got tuition, an' Dad bought me glasses which cost more'n contacts an' are ALOT gweebier but Oblina -won't- let me switch back, an' also he pays for anything else I need an' nobody wants to insure a combustible monster so the medical co-pay's always higher." Ickis concluded breathlessly.
"That does explain alot." Lugo replied.
"I -found- money once, then I lost it. An' I -won- money once but I didn't get to keep it. The house HATES to lose at Grishnak." Ickis opined.
"I wasn't aware that the casinos permitted such young monsters to even place a bet." remarked Lugo.
"Pugh told me to lie about us still being underage, he's one of the older students in our class, already turned 127! Wouldn't it be great to be that mature?" Ickis chirped.
"I've never considered lying to be a sign of maturity." Lugo commented.
"Granpa Brickis lied about his age so he could join the Army right away an' he was the most menacin' monster north of N'awlins! He went all the way from private to lieutenant back down to private and then up again through every rank to be General of the whole Monster Army until they declared him legally insane!" Ickis bragged.
"I vaguely recall hearing something about an honorable discharge, back in the 1860's. The military tends to be rather discreet in those matters." Lugo noted.
"Loose lips sink ships! I don't really know what that means. Even somebody with big, hideous lips like Oblina's couldn't sink a whole ship by herself. Although she DID get us stranded on a garbage scow, but she blames Krumm an' me for that, even though I rescued her! I would -always- save her from drowning, even if she didn't need mouth-to-mouth I'd still wanna check to make sure." professed Ickis.
"That's largely commendable, young master. I had always hoped Miz Oblina would take an interest in using the heated cesspools in the mansion, but after Madame Sublima -insisted- that Mister Skeech grow weary of yachting, they became strictly ornamental." Lugo lamented.
"Cesspools are awesome! That was my favorite part of spending a weekend at Oblina's house, right after the buffet! Actually, I swam first and THEN I went to the buffet but they were both great!" Ickis recalled fondly.
"You and Master Krumm were both very enthusiastic guests." Lugo tried to sound considerate.
"Yeah. Too bad Oblina wasn't happy. I thought she'd LIKE being with her folks, even if they don't got much in common. Hey, I even go with Dad to Alaska every couple years so I can watch him run that annual race." Ickis remarked.
"Why don't you go with him every year?" Lugo asked.
"Were you not listening to the part about no medical insurance?" Ickis huffed.
"My apologies, young master. Shall we try another store?" Lugo inquired.
"How 'bout this one? Blobtano's, sounds smenky, let's go!" Ickis exclaimed.
"Oblina! Are you not enjoying this trip to Grimmany's?" Sublima questioned.
"Yes, Mumsy dearest." Oblina sighed.
"They have the -gitchiest- furniture. This new vanity mirror will look exquisite in your room, it's twice as tall as the previous one!" Sublima proclaimed.
"But the other mirror barely fit in the room." Oblina protested.
"We'll have the ceiling raised again, of course." Sublima declared.
"Silly me, concerned about nothing." Oblina muttered.
"And let's not forget this magnificent reading lah-mp." Sublima added.
"That would be nice... if I had something -to- READ!" snapped Oblina.
"Bliny please. Your mother is only trying to help." Skeech insisted.
"She's just trying to gunk up my room so I won't want to go back to the Academy." Oblina realized.
"Is it working?" Skeech asked hopefully. "We do miss you, Stripes."
"Dada, I miss you too. But scaring is my -life- and I don't intend to give that up for anything or anybody." Oblina asserted.
"You haven't seen the carpet I purhased yet, it's deep bile!" Sublima gushed.
"Mumsy dearest, I'm sure it's very impressive." Oblina acknowledged.
"Of course, you'll need curtains to match. Would you look at the cobweb embellishments on this?" Sublima pointed out. "I think it was made by a black widow, how atmospheric."
"I don't see the appeal in it." Oblina commented.
"Me neither." agreed Skeech.
"This one's Ogre Anza, a very notable brand. Only the best for you, Oblina." Sublima persisted.
"Alright." Oblina relented. "If I accept that, can we leave?"
"Of course. We just have to ring up the purchases, ooh, is that a stinkweed lounge chair?" Sublima squealed with delight.
Ickis' ears drooped. "430 toenails for 'Ogglebon's Fear Guide To North America'? Are you sure you're not missing a decimal point?" he inquired.
"I'm quite sure." the manager supplied.
"Don't you got anything cheaper?" Ickis wheedled.
"Not when it comes to books of that caliber. We do however sell a variety of refreshments in the cafe, such as kerosene tea and hot crude oil." the manager offered.
Ickis' stomach growled. "Unleaded?" Ickis queried.
"Yes. 3 toenails a cup, no free refills." the manager answered.
"I'll come back later. I can't spend it right now." Ickis admitted.
"I'm sorry, Master Ickis. I did warn you." Lugo reminded him as they exited the bookstore.
"Maybe I can scrape up the toenails anyway. I got 6 right now!" Ickis revealed.
"I think you might be better off purchasing that crude oil. You could always make Miz Oblina a gift." Lugo suggested.
"Any moron can make something!" Ickis scoffed. "I should know, I do it all'a time."
"Perhaps that's why you've gotten so good at it." Lugo persisted. "Miz Oblina even told me she -admired- your artwork."
"Really? Wasn't she jus' being polite then? She even compliments Krumm's drawings an' I couldn't tell WHAT those squiggles were s'posed to be even with my glasses on!" Ickis countered.
"We all have our strengths, Master Ickis. You should play to yours." advised Lugo.
"Play to my strengths, my strengths." Ickis repeated. He glanced around at the row of shops before settling on a less fancy building down the block. "There's a restaurant, Lugo! Let's check it out!" Ickis ventured.
"Are you hungry, young master? Perhaps we can sit inside and have some gruel. My treat." Lugo generously offered.
"No time for that! Lugo, look! They got a mechanical balrog an' everyone's lining up to ride it!" Ickis observed.
"How quaint." Lugo declared.
"I bet it would take strength to ride that." Ickis predicted. "Dad's done it before, I might be able to figure out how he did it!"
The crowd guffawed. "You really think you can ride the famous Junkyard Utah's balrog?" a monster sneered.
"That would be worth the price of admission just to see him try!" another monster exclaimed.
"There's a price you gotta pay?" Ickis asked.
"Master Ickis, we shouldn't be here." Lugo maintained.
"Yeah, let the little bonsty go home. It looks like he's ready for naptime anyway." the first monster laughed.
Ickis growled. "I'm not a bonsty! How much is a ride?" he demanded.
"5 toenails." the monster detailed.
"Master Ickis, please show some restraint." Lugo pleaded.
"I can afford that." Ickis asserted.
"I'm -sure- there are better investments." Lugo insisted.
"He'll get a return on his toenails, assuming he can beat the record. There's a promotion going on today, if you top Slickis' record of 4 minutes, 39 seconds you'll get 439 toenails." the officiator added.
"I'll do it!" Ickis vowed. "And the joke will be on you guys, cause if you were really paying 1 toenail per second, I'd only get 279 total!"
The monster thrill-seekers exchanged glances. "Is that right?" one of them questioned.
"Who cares, he won't last 4 seconds!" the first monster predicted.
"Master Ickis, don't fall for their teasing! You have better uses of your time!" Lugo argued.
"You wanna be useful, Lugo? Hold these." Ickis dumped the blanket in Lugo's arms, then removed his glasses as an afterthought and shoved them on top of the pile. "I'm going all in!" he declared.
Lugo winced as Ickis shimmied up the mechanic construct, grabbing a hold of the chain. Ickis nodded to signal his readiness. The contest officiator simultaneously flipped the switch to turn on the mechanical balrog and started the timer on his stopwatch. Lugo watched and waited apprehensively. It didn't take a butler's intuition to know this would NOT end well.
Finally Sublima had purchased enough junk to satisfy her quota. Maybe Sublima thought that if she threw enough toenails at a monster, they would have no choice but to appreciate her company. Oblina believe that it took more than that to earn somebody's respect and admiration, however she recognized that her mother was at least making an effort to connect with her. But if Sublima really understood how her daughter felt she would NOT make her ride in that rickshaw, particular when it was overloaded with packages. Oblina could see Morgaf, a monster fresh out of Better Monster Tech, struggle with the added weight.
"Please, Mumsy dearest. Can't I just walk alongside?" Oblina asked.
"Oblina! You WANT to stomp around outside, exposed to the elements? You have -no- idea what kind of monsters are out there today!" Sublima protested.
Skeech leaned forward to survey the terrain. "It appears there is a crowd gathered not far from here, in the restaurant district, just past Blobtano's." announced Skeech.
"Blobtano's?" Oblina's eyes light up. "We haven't shopped there in years!"
"It's no longer a quality establishment." Sublima asserted. "Look at the buildings that surround it now! Junkyard Utah's, what kind of a name is THAT for a New York restaurant?!"
"Junkyard Utah's is very popular." Skeech recalled. "The visitor's guides all make mention of it. Monsters come from miles around just to ride their mechanical balrog. Even the Fearsome 500 praises the keen business acumen of the management."
"Only an IDIOT would be interested in balrog riding." Sublima disparaged all participants.
"Ahchoo! I think someone's talking about me." Ickis sniffed. He clung onto the balrog's chain fiercely.
"I think you should have kept the blanket on." Lugo chided.
"He'll be warm enough in another 5 seconds. That's when we start the flames." the officiator proclaimed.
Lugo's eyes widened. "Flames?" he repeated.
"Sure. Can't have a balrog without 'em. Now we're cooking!" the officiator roared with glee.
"Yeep, that smarts!" Ickis wailed.
"It would be -smart- to let go, young master." Lugo insisted.
"1 minute! He's barely started the challenge." the officiator argued. "Gotta admit, I didn't see him lasting this long. -Almost- reminds me of somebody, but I can't put my claw on it."
The balrog swung the red-hot chain around in a circle with Ickis holding on for dear life.
"Why didja have to be good at this, Dad?" he whined.
"I think I'd like to see the balrog anyway. It would actually take a couple blocks off the way home." Skeech pointed out.
"Yes, let's ALL take a shortcut!" Morgaf was in favor of -anything- that lessened his work load.
"I -would- like to walk near Blobtano's. At least I could see the window display." Oblina added.
"Oblina! Only the lower class gawk at things they can't obtain." Sublima scolded.
"Who says I can't have nice things?" Oblina snapped. "It's my birthday tomorrow, I should be able to pick out anything I want!"
Sublima beamed. "There's that 'upper crud' attitude! I knew you'd make me proud!" Sublima crowed.
Oblina sighed. "Whatever you say, Mumsy dearest." she replied as they made their way back along the underground passages. It was worth making a small concession if it meant she was closer to her own goals.
"2 minutes! Time to kick it into high gear!" the officiator called.
"There's more than one gear?" Lugo questioned.
"Slickis took it up to eleven." the officiator remembered. "Let's go, speed it up a little!"
"Yi-yi-yi-yowee!" Ickis shrieked. The balrog bounced up and down, then spun in a circle, faster than ever.
"Pretty good howling. If he survives this, he might make a career off'a that voice." one spectator remarked.
Oblina was looking forward to it. Blobtano's always had a great selection. She had loved to browse the shelves as a bonsty, never satisfied with the most popular choice, but always looking for some rarer choice. It didn't matter how hard Sublima tried to influence her decisions, Oblina's tastes would always lean towards the avant-garde.
"Lean into the turn more." Lugo suggested in spite of his misgivings.
Ickis was pleased with the advice. His grip had slackened to the point where he was only hanging on with one paw, but with Lugo's encouragement he kicked the side of the balrog on the next turn. His feet instinctively recoiled from the flames but Ickis used the upward momentum to wrap his legs around the chain too. The risk of injury was greater now should he fall, but it was worth taking a chance if it meant securing his perch for longer.
"3 minutes!" the officiator boomed.
"Maybe he COULD pull it off." a monster mused.
"Naw, he's gonna crash and burn." another spectator predicted.
Oblina still couldn't believe that her mother had BURNED those books. Just throwing them out would have been bad enough, but no! Sublima had been determined that nobody ever enjoy them again. It pained her to think of all those literary masterpieces just going to waste. Not even a ridiculous bit of pulp like 'How To Get Dates And Influence Squishes' deserved such a fate. That was why Oblina had lobbied to get that particular volume banned from the Academy library, and not simply to have all copies destroyed outright. She'd won THAT campaign (although it troubled her sometimes how easily Ickis had caved. Oblina -almost- suspected he had smuggled a copy to safety, but there was no way he could have pulled off such a gambit on his own. Surely Nesdak, the library monster, knew better than to give him ideas?)
"The idea for balrog riding actually came from -human- literature, if you can believe it." the officiator commented. "The forbidden aspect adds alot to its appeal."
"Hard to like something that could utterly destroy a monster." Lugo retorted.
"Some fellas live for that. Y'ever been married?" the official asked.
"No. I've seen that kind of devastation on a daily basis, it was enough to turn me off the concept for good." responded Lugo.
"I been married twice." the officiator admitted. "They say having a squish is like riding a balrog. You get thrown off, you get right back on again!"
"Does anyone get back on the balrog afterwards?" Lugo inquired.
"Nope, it's against the rules to try more'n once a day." the officiator replied.
Ickis furrowed his brow and tried to concentrate. He -knew- he couldn't afford to pay attention to the running commentary, but it was awfully difficult to tune those conversations out completely. Maybe if he'd been closer to downtown he could have picked up a radio station and used that to help block out the noisy environment. But maybe it might be better to think only about the balrog and the reward that awaited him. Both paws were too burned to hold the chain anymore, so he had to keep his legs locked firmly in place.
"4 minutes!" the official called out.
The crowd was really buzzing now. "Who -is- that bonsty?" a monster asked.
"Thinks he's some kinda prodigy?" another monster questioned.
"Nope, you'd know a prodigy if you saw one." the first monster asserted.
Oblina could scarcely sneak a peek at Blobtano's, there were so many monsters positioned in front of the store, all of them evidently curious about the balrog rider. Maybe her mother was right to complain after all. Simple minds had such simple pleasures.
"Pardon me. I want to go into the shop." Oblina professed.
"Why? The real action's outside! There's this little red bunny going for the record, he might even make it!" the manager remarked. "I hope he does, it would be good for business." he added.
Oblina gasped. There was only one monster she knew who fit that description. "Ickis?" she wondered aloud.
"Oblina?" Ickis turned towards the sound of her voice, which was a mistake. In his distraction, he slackened his grip on the chain momentarily. The balrog spun around and jerked backwards, catapulting Ickis from his perch. Ickis slammed into the ground a few feet away, with a resounding crack.
"Toldja he'd fail." one of the surveyors noted smugly.
The contest officiator stopped the watch and checked the time. "4 minutes, 32 seconds." he announced. "Close, but not good enough."
"What did you expect? A little bonsty like that, he could -never- be in Slickis' league." one of the spectators opined.
"Ickis!" Oblina ran towards him. "That was so unbelievably reckless, even for YOU! What were you doing?!" she demanded.
"Learning how long it takes for a heart to break." Ickis groaned. "It's quicker than I thought, but not so painless."
"More like you're brainless!" Oblina spat.
"Maybe I'm wise?" Ickis suggested tentatively.
Oblina shook her head. "Not a chance." she determined.
Ickis groaned and tried to stand, but found he couldn't. "Um, any chance you'd help me up?" Ickis asked.
Oblina's eyes widened. "Ickis, are you alright?" Oblina inquired.
"I'll let you know when everything stops spinning." Ickis assured her.
Lugo made his way through the crowd."Miz Oblina? Would you mind stepping aside for a moment so that I may examine Master Ickis?" Lugo requested.
"Lugo? Why are you here, carrying Ickis' stuff?" Oblina wondered.
"It's a long story. I'll explain later." Lugo promised. He looked down at Ickis. "Judging by the swelling Master Ickis, I would say your ankle is sprained, possibly broken. And your paws are missing a bit of fur, but I don't think you've been burned badly eough to scar. It wouldn't surprise me if you had a concussion, either." Lugo determined.
"You're jus' jealous cause you can't see the Stankir dots." Ickis asserted, then promptly passed out.
"Icky!" Oblina cried out in alarm.
"With your permission, Miz Oblina, I would take your friend to the hospital now." Lugo offered.
"Yes, of course Lugo." Oblina regained her composure quickly. It took alot to upset her in the first place, but a few years with Ickis had conditioned her to these situations.
"Oblina!" Sublima's piercing voice could easily be heard above all else. "Stop fooling around with the gutter monsters and come home!"
"I can't, Mumsy dearest. Lugo and I are taking Ickis to the hospital, but I'll try to stop by the mansion later, before I go back to school tomorrow." Oblina replied.
"Lugo! You didn't have permission to be here! Why were you off-duty? Are you -encouraging- Oblina to be so disobedient?!" Sublima roared.
Lugo flinched. "Young monsters -do- need encouragement." he claimed.
"See darling? There's nothing wrong with any of this! Good job, Lugo." Skeech praised.
Sublima scowled. She may have lost this round, but the battle was FAR from over. "Don't take long, Oblina. We still have to discuss your debutante lessons." Sublima persisted. Oblina nodded. She planned to stay with Ickis for the night, and on in to the foreseeable future if that was what it took to avoid high society. There really wasn't any other motivation beyond that, she was sure.
Oblina could scarcely believe what Lugo told her outside the emergency room, although it -did- make sense given the bizarre leaps of logic Ickis was prone to acting on. She wanted to talk to Ickis about the misadventure, but he hadn't seemed up to much conversation that evening and the following morning Ickis had his paws full just by returning to the Academy and trying to deal with Zimbo after class.
"It's so lame the pathetic way you hobble about on one foot." Zimbo sneered.
"How can -you- be making fun of ME? Zimbo, you only -have- one foot!" Ickis argued.
"Yes, but mine works perfectly. Ha ha!" Zimbo laughed as he flew off.
"Too bad your -brain- doesn't work. Even if you don't push ME too far, one of these days you're gonna tick off Dad, an' then you will REALLY be sorry!" Ickis called out. "Maybe next time I'll jus' whack you with the crutch. Even if nobody thinks it's an accident, I won't care." He sighed and limped back to the dorm, struggling to carry the Manual under one arm.
"Hey Ickis. You're late to the party, but Oblina wouldn't celebrate without you. Didn't even eat her dust cake yet." Krumm noted.
"Happy birthday, Oblina! Thanks for waiting." Ickis chirped.
"It wasn't any trouble Icky." Oblina insisted.
"You can open your presents now, Oblina! Happy birthday! Look, I got you another stocking to sleep in, yours was starting to unravel a bit." Krumm exclaimed.
"Thank you Krummy! That's very nice, I'll start using it tonight." Oblina acknowledged. She hugged Krumm happily.
"You're welcome." Krumm replied. He turned towards their other roommate. "Ickis, what did you get her?" Krumm wondered.
"It's not really anything much, but here." Ickis fumbled with his Manual, and pulled out a long strip of paper wedged between two pages. "I made you this bookmark. See, I asked about this scary tale an' then I drew Little Red Bonstyhood an' the monster hunter an' the wolf who eats them both! ...It's kind of a downer ending." he admitted.
Oblina accepted her gift graciously. "I disagree. I think it's the thought that counts." Oblina stated before kissing Ickis on the cheek.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: If you're feeling gracious, you can call that a victory for Ickis. He definitely acted with the best intentions, and while we know where those thoughts -usually- lead, I think every once in awhile Ickis deserves a break. And not the kind of break Zimbo will taunt him about, either. Reviews are encouraged.