It was obvious that He loved her more, and what I felt, even as a child, didn't matter. I didn't hate her.. Just envied everything she was granted. She didn't need most of these material possessions, but what I wanted, so greatly desired... was love. All kinds of it. Friendships, hell, even acquaintances could fill the void only for a bit though. But His love was my key to living, I just knew it.

Everyday was a flashback of my past. Even the littlest things like my favourite torquoise slippers, my aquatic stuffed animals, appeared as if something that I was doing in the present triggered it. But the ones that made me hurt were of Him..

He was my father. The man who had love for my younger sister Holly and my beautiful mother. It was like he never knew of my existence, or purposely wanted to drain me from what I thought every child should have. Apparently, I expected to much from him. Holly's condition, deafened in one ear at birth, gave her the medical attention she very much needed. But to father it meant that she gained a ridiculous amount of love from him. I was a good girl, I promise. I loved to read, I studied animals and insects with a passion, and mother, being so sickly sweet, supported me.

I struggled, but it was always never enough.

Present Day

Laying, sobbing on my bed, the silk covers intertwine from my fingers down to my cold feet as I ready my body for a serious session of self-loathe. First came the crying that turned into screams. Inhaling and exhaling deeply caused my weak ribs to shift into each other, but the crying distracted me from physical pain. Next, the reaching of a missing ghost, just needing someone to catch me when I fell off the bed into my burning tears.

"I hate myself, I hate myself..." I would chant. "Why did you have to do this to me, you bastard."

I wipe emotions off my deteriorating face on the towel hanging in the bathroom then make way downstairs to the kitchen. Time to punish myself a bit more, I thought. Not meaning to, I forcefully swung the fridge open in search of my sins. Before I stick my face in to feel the chilling sensation of stagnant foods, I close my eyes, envisioning it empty. Mmm... Uh oh. I think I just smelt the left over key lime pie. DAMMIT. Sneak peek, then ignore, I thought to myself. I could already feel myself salivating. It was pretty obvious what was about to happen.

Foot, tapping.
Stomach, roaring.

Don't. Give. In. You've gone this far, don't let it happen.

Heart, painfully thumping.
Skin, crawling.
Will. Disappearing...

Biting my lip in defeat, I grab the edge of the tin foil plate. Ah, the aroma was overpowering. Could I really resist this? My involuntary face plant answered that. Not even three swallows in, warm tears fell and melted into the center. This was pure hell, not being able to have that control that gave me this horrid body in the first place. But it was just too good. I stared at the crumbs as I violently licked my fingers clean. The fridge stayed open with more treats to taunt me with. Bags of reeses cups, left over lasagna, veggie pizza, tacos, Chinese food. Goodness, the list goes on. I fell on the floor in shock, then almost immediately grabbed everything in sight.

Twenty minutes later. A corpse-like body lain in an orgy of unfinished delights.
I awoke not too long after the binging only to find Holly and mom staring at me in horror. I knew that they were even more scared about where the food would end up.
"Excuse me," I said as I dragged my body upstairs.

Flush. Down went the evidence.

It can't be helped, the damage I put my body through, Each and everyday. Maybe it can be, but it seems like it never gets better for me. Maybe I should sleep it off.

Maybe I'll be better in the morning.