Psychotic (A Shizuru One-Shot)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'm innocent, I swear.
Author's Note: This is a short One-Shot containing Shizuru's thoughts about her psychotic break and feelings about Natsuki. Hope ya'll enjoy.
Psychotic
Well, I really don't remember.
Honestly, I don't. I know what happened, but I don't remember. Does that make sense? Probably not, considering the fact that it barely makes sense to me.
It seems as if everything from that time is nothing but a blur. Maybe I'm purposefully making it a blur, I don't know. I don't really want to remember, so does that count against me? Did my brain magically scramble those painful memories to protect my own sanity? Perhaps someday all those memories will rearrange and burst forth in perfect clarity and overwhelm me. That day is not today, but maybe someday soon. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to tempt whatever demons lie inside me to come out and play, as morbid as that sounds.
I know I did horrible things. I killed two Childs and many people, all for the love of one girl. That Haruka said that my love for Natsuki was disgusting. I think all love is beautiful, no matter who is loving and who is loved, be it a man and woman or two men or two women. But then I think: How was my love, my own unique love, beautiful when it caused so much bloodshed?
Yes, I know Natsuki kissed me before she ordered her Child to kill us all. She said I was the only one that reached out to her. I reached out to her with a blood-stained hand, a hand sullied by death and destruction wrought by my Child and my own self. How could someone so strong and beautiful actually accept someone so volatile and troubled, consumed by possession and willing to do anything to get what she wants?
I wonder if that psychotic side of me will ever come out again. I know it is still there, lurking beneath the surface like some ugly cancer spreading silently before it makes its debut on the stage. I don't like knowing that something so destructive lives within me. It makes me uneasy. What if one day I cannot control it just like when I killed all those people?
I know that not all love is like mine. But I do know that all love has the power to destroy. You can love someone with all your heart, but then you put your heart on the chopping block, waiting for that someone to deal a fatal blow. When you love someone, he or she has the power to crush you. That is the destructive power of love. My love for Natsuki was and is no different. By loving her, I relinquish control of myself to her. In that time, when I gave her my heart and had it destroyed, my entire being was temporarily destroyed as well. My love for her destroyed me. That is simple to see. However, my love isn't like the others' because I decided to destroy others along with me instead of just having myself waste away. I acted out, not retreat in. Can I survive having myself destroyed again? Perhaps the more important question is: Can Natsuki and everyone survive me if I was destroyed again?
All I know is that I love Natsuki and she loves me. Is that enough? Will that be enough to keep my demons at bay? Please tell me – Will I survive me?
Author's PS: If Shizuru's thoughts seemed a bit rambling, then good. This is a stream-of-consciousness story which seeks to mirror the thought process – usually, our thoughts jump around from subject to subject which is what I tried to do with Shizuru. Love it? Hate it? Reviews welcome.