Shooting you a glare from behind his glasses, he monotonously replied, "Why am I not surprised that you're taking his side?"
"Because you're wrong! You're always wrong about this shit!" Ignoring his angry stare, you continued, "How can you still hold onto the Sybil System even now? Kou is your best friend. We've all been together since high school! Why are you pissed at him for something he can't control?"
Clicking his tongue in immense irritation, he said, "How many times-?" Pinching the bridge of his nose, he continued, "(f/n), he can control it! He just doesn't want to. He wants this so he can destroy Sasayama's killer! He doesn't think our legal system can deal justice this time, so he wants to see the man dead. Don't you, Kougami?"
The man on the couch maintained his usually detached manner and replied, "It's not as simple as that. I would try to explain, but I know you hate that, so I wouldn't expect you to understand."
"He's right, Gino." You tried to plead with your childhood sweetheart, "You know what he saw! No amount of living in that facility would bring his Psycho-Pass down now. Did you just expect him to stay stagnant at the rehab the rest of his life, locked up and losing himself like my dad?" No one had tried to rehabilitate harder than your father.
Kougami grabbed your hand from his seat on the sofa and squeezed. He knew this subject always caused issues between you and Ginoza, and he was grateful that he had someone willing to stand on his side, even when the rest of their world viewed him as a pariah. Feeling encouraged by the support of your friend, you persisted, "Why are you so angry or surprised that he would want to become an Enforcer instead of wasting away there?"
"You know why! He only tried for two months. He's giving up, just like my father. He's leaving me -everything behind for this damn job! What good does it do? I won't let you kill this man, Shinya. That's not the answer. We could have just made it to ten years and then had nice well-paid desk jobs for the rest of our lives. Damn it, Kou! Why did you do this?" he questioned dejectedly.
Kougami shrugged, "Come on, Gino, ' you really think I was a 'desk job' kind of guy? I have to do this. I know your faith in the System is unshakable but I've seen things that make me question. I have to get this guy, Gino. Hey can't get away. You don't understand what he's done to me."
"Why would I want to understand? If I try to get in your head, then I am going to end up right here in this same shitty dead end! To live like a subhuman in this city- It disgusts me," he raged. Continuing angrily as he turned his attention to you, he added, "And you! When are you going to grow up? Stop always thinking so childishly that Latents can still be good at heart. Look at Shinya! He's not sad, he's just pissed and crazy. Some people just can't change because they don't care and they're dangerous. Keep it up and you'll spend your life trapped in a rehab just like your dad."
"Get out, Gino!" Kougami said as he stood from the couch. Your eyes were stinging as Kougami grabbed Ginoza by the shirt and pulled him to the front door of the Enforcer dormitory. "Go cool down before you say something else like that to her, idiot."
Ginoza frowned and jerked himself free of the grasp, straightening his clothing. "I'm not ending up in this place. Even if you all abandon me, I will never get trapped in this hell hole like dad. You and I can't be friends anymore. You won't drag me down, Shinya. You're nothing but a damn hunting dog now!" He jeered at Kougami.
"Get out, Gino!" the new Enforcer repeated, as he shoved his high school friend from the room and slammed the door.
You sunk to the couch and breathed a sigh of frustration, as Kougami plunked himself down next to you and groaned. The two of you sat there in silence, trying to remind yourselves that Gino was who he was for a reason, but both of you were having a hard time recognizing that at the moment. Huffing again, Kougami pulled a lighter from his back pocket and gestured to your opposite side. "Hand me those."
Grabbing the carton of cigarettes off the end table, you reluctantly handed them to your friend. "You know I hate when you smoke these things. Aren't you up to, like, thirty a day? It's getting pretty excessive, Kou. You'll kill yourself."
"Probably," he said. Pulling one out and sliding it between his lips, he said, "but not from these," and lit it, savoring the first full drag of his beloved nicotine. He leaned back against the cushions and closed his eyes, running a hand through his messy black locks. You turned your back against the armrest and put your bare feet in his lap. So much for the three of you hanging out like old friends. You had hoped if you could just get Ginoza down here to talk to Kougami again, the long friendship between them would overcome the obsession for rule following.
"That was out of line, you know?" Kougami asked, eyes still closed, cigarette between his fingers. "About your dad, I mean."
You frowned and wiped absent-mindedly at the corner of your eye. "I know," you responded. Pausing, you added, "but he didn't mean that about you being nothing but a hunting dog."
Kougami shot you a look of despondence, "Yeah, he did. You know how serious he is about the rules. I might as well be an animal to him after this."
Your mouth twitched sadly. You were often guilty of holding people to a higher standard than they were willing to manage, and your expectations for Nobuchika Ginoza, your first best friend in the most difficult time of your life, were the highest of all. Sighing, you admitted, "He won't be friendly, I'm sure. I know we can't all go back to just the way it was, but if it came down to it, he could never treat you like just another latent criminal. If he was ordered to kill you, I know he wouldn't be able to it, Kou. He loves you."
Kougami had looked skeptical and distressed as he thought about all the good times he and Ginoza would no longer experience, but as you spoke the last sentence he felt less on edge than before. "How do you always do that?"
"Do what?" you questioned, poking him playfully with your foot.
"'Know what people need to hear and make them feel better about their shit lives?" he added, teasingly pushing your head back with a finger to the forehead.
You smiled and blushed a bit at the welcome compliment. Then you looked back at your lap, growing frustrated once more. You chewed your lip as you responded, "Except with Ginoza."
"Yeah," Shinya agreed. "Stubborn bastard." He stood and paced a moment before picking up the James Ellroy book he'd been reading. He loved crime novels, but specifically his mind thought about the former disgraced cop "Buzz" and ambitious LAPD lieutenant Malcolm in The Big Nowhere and how it reminded him vaguely of his and Ginoza's roles currently. He stood staring at the back of the book jacket blankly until he finished his smoking.
You watched him unhappily, knowing he was hurting over losing the respect of his closest friend. You knew what they meant to each other better than anyone else. When he checked his pack of cigarettes and found it empty, he walked to his bedroom to get a spare on his nightstand. He sat on the edge of the bed and lit up again, raising his gray eyes to you as you came and stood in the doorway. You crossed your arms and leaned against its frame, staring back at him sympathetically. It wasn't often that Kougami was emotional, even when he had every right to be. It looked strange on the normally unaffected guy.
As the smoke curled slowly towards the ceiling, you noticed him place his thumb and forefinger to his eyes and rub furiously, trying to relieve the stinging any other way than shedding the tears. You let out a forlorn sigh and stepped over beside Kou. Crouching in front of him, you gently tugged the cigarette from his fingers and looked at his reddened eyes. "Tch," you clicked disapprovingly. This wouldn't do. You stood to put out the flame in the ashtray before sitting next to him on his bed and wrapping an arm around his back. You rested your head to his shoulder and he wrapped one of his muscular arms around you to return the comforting hug.
Sitting another long while, Kougami finally admitted, "I will really miss his friendship, (f/n)."
You nodded. You knew that Ginoza would not accept this from Kougami anytime soon. Gino had always held him in a much higher regard than others, and you knew that he saw Kougami's clouded hue as a personal offence against his friendship. Still you said, "He may come to understand you one day. I don't believe he's completely hopeless."
"Why do you always have so much faith in him? I mean, you heard him. People can't just change if they don't want to. If anyone is set in his ways, it's Gino."
"True, but you know better than anyone that I have never believed that crap. I don't care what we're taught, no artificial system can determine how a person should 'feel.' I know there's something in Ginoza, something he's too afraid, wounded, and stubborn to let out. If he ever gets the courage to let that free," your (e/c) eyes shined at Kougami, "he can be the truly great man I see him as."
"What a lucky bastard!" Kougami marveled. "To have a girl like you so determined to see his real potential." He wiggled an eyebrow at you, mocking seduction.
"Shut up," you teased. "Flattery will get you nowhere. You can't seduce me. Don't forget, I know all about your conquests, pervert."
He blushed. "You shut up. That's sick. It's not like that with you, and you know it." After a pause he said, "I do think Gino's an idiot for not being able to make it work with you, though. I really don't feel like forgiving him for hurting my best friend."
You shrugged and nodded gloomily, but then, trying to perk up the mood, you asked, "Wait. What do you mean 'Sick?'"
He laughed, "Ok. Not sick. Just off limits." You shoved him playfully again and he smiled genuinely at you before his eyes took on a slightly different stare. "Even if you've always been this attractive." You blushed at his statement and looked away. He continued, "And smart. And witty. And probably the most genuine woman that's ever been in my life."
Your face a bright crimson, you stuttered, "C-cut that out, Kou. Don't tease me like that. You know it embarrasses me."
"Seriously, (f/n)," he continued as he inched closer to you, "not many people here in this Sybil Society are brave enough to place themselves in other people's shoes, and it just comes naturally for you." His voice became soft and low as he said, "You are the only person who has ever really tried to understand what makes me this way."
They were exactly the words of validation your wounded heart needed in that moment, and suddenly there was nothing but you and Kougami. You initiated a sensual kiss and when Shinya's hands laced behind your head, palms resting on your cheeks, the two of you dissolved completely into the present. You climbed onto his lap and mimicked his hand placement, both trying to hold onto this exact feeling for as long as you could.
In a frenzy, shirts had been discarded and, as Kougami leaned you back against his bed, his able fingers snapped free the clasp of your bra and threw it aside. He kissed and tongued all over your bare flesh as you ran your fingers eagerly over his fit torso. Your mind felt almost numb from the need to be felt; understood. As his lips feverishly met yours again and the taste of his cigarettes hit your tongue, you rolled over onto him and deepened the kiss.
Desire mounting and logic failing, you trailed warm, wet lips downward. He let out soft moans of approval as you covered his jaw, throat, chest, abs…the deep "v" of his hips. You undid his pants and removed them. As you placed your fingers to the waistband of his underwear to pull them away, he let out a loud groan of frustration.
"No. Stop," he ordered half-heartedly as he grasped your hands. "We have to stop. If I don't stop it now we will both hate ourselves later." He sat up and squeezed his eyes shut, breathing heavily, trying to regain composure.
You stared at him, (e/c) eyes wide, head swimming, heaving rapidly from the desire still pumping through your body. You couldn't remember just now any reason to stop feeling this good. "Why?" you asked, somewhat disappointedly.
Head feeling a little clearer, he directed his light gray orbs to you. His face was mixed with shame and a reluctance to speak. Saying it aloud with you bared in front of him was something he was having trouble concentrating on completing. You suddenly felt self-conscious and sat on the bed, using your arms and knees to cover your exposed breasts. "You don't want me?" you asked, still trying to get breathing back under control and mind anyplace but Kougami's immaculately kept body.
"Don't do that," he reprimanded. "Of course I want you. Obviously, I want you," Kougami said as he gestured to the prominent swell in his briefs. Stepping to a set of drawers, he pulled out a t-shirt and threw it to you, then pulled on a pair of running shorts and sat back down. "The things I would do to you…" he trailed off, then swallowed thickly and shook his head. "We can't do this to Ginoza."
Pulling the shirt over your head, you argued, "What are you talking about? Gino made his choice, Kou. He doesn't want anything to do with us now."
"That's not true. Like you said, he may act that way, but he loves us both." You frowned and shook your head. It was hard to see Ginoza's point of view right now, especially after Shinya had made you feel so wanted for once. Kougami continued, turning your face to him, "If you were anyone but Gino's girl, this wouldn't be an issue. I would have made you mine in high school and I never would have given up on us. You never would have doubted whether I loved you or not, but you know that's not the case."
You blushed furiously. "You're making it really difficult to feel guilty. Ginoza and I haven't been together in years, Kou! You know that."
"But you're still in love with him," he stated as fact. "Even though he hurt us both, even though he's as pig-headed as they come, even though he doesn't always appreciate you for what you are, he's still my best friend and you are still in love with him."
It had crossed your mind through the years, what life might have been like if you had fallen in love with Kougami first. He was always your best friend, always there for you when Ginoza let you down. The two of you shared a special bond that nothing could ever destroy. Only these two men had ever made a place for themselves in your heart. You had never cared if you made other friends, and they always stood up for you when others called you weird or crazy or latent –-especially Shinya. It was part of what had made you so angry at Nobuchika earlier, treating Kou like just some psychopath that didn't matter. However, as always, Shinya was right. It was Ginoza that had your heart.
You thought about that strict little nine year old that found you crying on the stairs and furrowed your brows. He had been so stubborn and full of himself. You felt you had to make him see that your fathers weren't evil and selfish, that you weren't two little unlovable kids left hung out to dry. Just as he had made a vow to prove to everyone he was nothing like his father and wouldn't end up alone, you had vowed to make him your friend and be there even if he did lose everyone else along the way. You were angry that you had let him push you this far, and tears stung you (e/c) eyes.
"I'm sorry," you said. "I shouldn't have kissed you. I do love him. You're right." Frustrated tears slipped down your face as you added, "I should go." You stood and grabbed your work clothes from the floor.
"I didn't tell you to leave, (f/n). I don't want you to leave," Kougami said as he looked at his hands. He was embarrassed and would never have admitted this to anyone else. "Everything is falling apart for me lately. I'm really struggling here and it's clear that you are the only friend I have left." You sat down next to him, as he implored, "Won't you stay with me? I need someone here that I know cares about me and you're it. (f/n), you're all I need. Just for tonight."
His words broke your heart for his suffering, and they lifted you up at the same time. It wasn't often that either of your friends would admit that they needed you as much as you needed them.
"Come on, you big baby," you teased, "of course I'll stay." The two of you lay under the covers and though he was the larger form, you pulled him to you, stroking his ebony hair for comfort, as he tenderly held you beside him. Though it was Ginoza you wanted in your life romantically, you and Kougami still shared a special place in each other's hearts and you knew you always would. The two of you would always accept each other, exactly as you were.
You smiled and asked a question you'd been asking for years, "How's it go again, Kou? You know the one. 'Maybe, he thought, there aren't any such things as good friends or bad friends- maybe there are just friends. People who stand by you when you're hurt and who help you feel not so lonely…'"
Kougami continued, "Maybe they're always worth being scared for and hoping for and living for. Maybe worth dying for, too, if that's what has to be." He laughed quietly and shortly. "You know Stephen King is my favorite."
"I do, but you know I liked him first," you said before rounding out the quote from It. "No good friends. No bad friends. Only people you want, need to be with; people who build their houses in your heart." The two of you drifted off to sleep feeling peaceful and content.
The next morning you stood at the door of the Enforcer dormitory as Shinya thanked you for staying, "I needed to feel like I wasn't completely mad after what's been going on these last several months. Thanks for a taste of normalcy, (f/n). I mean it."
"Any time, Kou. And I know you don't see it, but don't give up on Ginoza. He'll come around. It could be years, but I really believe he'll come around. You're a great friend, so how could he not?" you encouraged.
He shook his head and gave you a lopsided grin, "Damn, that Gino has all the luck," he teased quietly. "I can't believe he doesn't see the kind of girl he has in his corner. Then again, he always was an idiot."
The two of you chuckled softly and you patted his cheek. "Yes. Yes he was," you smiled before Kougami placed a chaste kiss on your cheek. You returned the kiss and added, "See ya around, Kou!"
Kougami watched you wave behind your shoulder and shook his head at your ridiculousness as you tried to walk and hop to put on your heels. He laughed almost inaudibly as you turned the corner, trying to smooth your (h/c) hair and the wrinkled outfit you had worn yesterday. He knew you had to go straight to work, but you had stayed to help him find a little of the hope he had been missing. He was grateful to have such a friend.
Kougami ruffled his own hair and scratched his bare chest, before bending to grab the newspaper. As he stood and looked down the hall opposite the one you had just exited, his gray eyes met a pair of painfully stunned green ones behind black-framed glasses.
Ginoza.