TSUMETAI AME
How hard is it to hold onto your true self? How do you know you still are the same as always, that things didn't change you that much., that you still look and feel the same when you look into the mirror. That it is just there, as it used to be. She didn't feel fake. Not yet at least. The mirror still reflected what she knew for the past 15 years. Short purple hair and dark green eyes, a fair skin and a pair of lips that forgot how to smile. I guess she just felt unhappy. And empty. She still felt that all the things and all the people that left a sign of happiness on her heart still remained somewhere deep in her soul, she just couldn't grasp the feeling once more. Loneliness was once something she feared. And now? Coming to feel nothing… She wasn't there yet and she knew it. But staying like this is what haunted her dreams. She felt like she could break through this constricting cloud of bad omen, she just didn't know how… And what to expect.
The air was cold against her skin and the rain wouldn't stop falling. The stars that accompanied her now accustomed loneliness weren't visible tonight and tomorrow's morning sky would fell just as heavy as it did lately.
-"Mou, anata it's late she's probably sleeping by now, she has the semifinals tomorrow.
-"I know, I just wanted to wish her good luck.
-"You'll tell her in the morning, now come and eat something. How was work?
-" We have to close a deal with the Americans and…
Her grandfather still worked as hard and late as she remembered. Grandma always scolded him for that. They were the only ones she had left. And her… The warm smile of her father was now just a memory planted in her head and heart. The feeling of his brown hair tickling her forehead when he bent down to kiss her good night, the same dark green eyes and her own tiny hands reaching to hold him was all she now remembered. She was only 5 when he passed away. The photograph inside the drawer was her secret alone. Was that the reason she felt like this? Or one of them? Would she come back? Drowsiness is what caught her into sleep, dreaming of purple locks and midnight eyes.
-" Did you take your obento, water, towel? Let's see, what else do you need?
-" I'm fine obaa-chan, really.
-"Shizuru, she has everything she needs, let the girl be.
-"But Takahirou, it's a long day and.."
-" I'm fine. Now, I'll see you at home. Take care grandma.
-"Good luck Shiori" Focus on the game and don't let your guard down, you must never.."
-"Underestimate your opponent, I know jii-san. Ja, itte kimasu."
-"Itte rashai. Ne, Takahirou, do you think she's going to be all right?
-"What do you mean?"
-"She's been in an odd mood for the last couple of weeks.
-"It's adolescence, nothing more. And she's tired from the Nationals. She came this far."
-"If it were only that…
-"Excuse me?"
-"Nothing."
-"Hm.".
Newspaper was always a must. Together with a hot cup of coffee. He's scrunting eyes we're searching professionally for the one piece of information he considered valuable for a one valid purpose.
-"What is it?''
-"She's in the newspapers again. That woman, she thinks now her dream came true…"
-"Well it did, didn't it?''
-"Being an actress is not a job! It's a stupid aspiration. Worthy only for children. One that is not tolerated in the Yamanaka family. Mataku ne.."
-"That's why you never accepted her in the family, although she is Shiori's mother. Sousuke would be so angry and sad…."
-"She's the reason Sousuke died in the first place! I thought I told you.."
-"Please stop it, Sousuke's death was an accident and you know it, Hikari had nothing to do with it, God knows she loved him like there was no tomorrow. The fact that they we're both in college when they got married was always a fact you couldn't accept. Together with the fact that she wanted to become an actress. And look now, she's famous and rich, loved by the public and critics, not to mention beautiful and smart. And you denied Shiori the presence of her mother. All she sees of her is on television. And the occasional letters she receives on her birthday. Because you denied any contact."
-"Shiori was five when Sousuke died. Hikari was not able to raise her properly, for crying out loud Shizuru, she didn't even have a job at that time!"
-" It's been ten years Takahirou, 10 years in which Hikari has built a reputation, and a safe and comfortable home. But she has no one to share it with. As a mother I understand. Those beautiful eyes of her hold nothing but sadness and emptiness. And you know what scares me? Shiori is beginning to have the same lifeless eyes. And it's frightening."
-"I have to get to work…"
The morning sky still felt heavy on her shoulders although it was clearly blue with the sun up in its center. Summer stopped being fun.
"-What'swrongwithme?"
"-Oi, Shiori!"
"-Senpai, ohayou.. Where are the rest?"
"-They're waiting for us in the arena, we should hurry as well."
"-Let's go then".
"-So, I heard the courts for the semis will be shared with the boys tennis teams. Haaaa, can't wait! There'll be Seigaku with the oh so serious but sexy Tezuka buchou. And Shitenhouji! Shiraishi…..so hot! Yeah baby1 Love that Kansai accent. We're in for a treat! La la la la la la!
-"Anou sa Akane senpai you still know we have an important match coming now, do you not?"
-"And I heard this year's Shitenhouji has a brand new and extremely talented rookie. First year, just like you Shiori-chan."
-"Thereshegoesagain was what Shiori was thinking. Senpai.."
-" I wonder what he's like? Kyaa, maybe he's just right for you Shiori! And.."
-"Senpai!"
-"Eh? What?"
-"We're here."
-"Oh yeah, well let's not waste time and go!
-"Yare, yare.."
-"By the way, Shiori are you feeling better?"
-"Hm? Why are you asking me?"
-"You seem so distant and different. Are you ok?"
-"Shenoticedaswell…."
-"It's ok, we all have times likes these. Just don't lose your cuteness. Now let's find the others."
Dust had coloured the wind and concrete emanated the heat. Clouds of crimson had a menacing presence and Shiori felt her body become heavier by the moment. She just wanted to cut the dammed wings that kept her locked in a pitch nothingness.
-"Na, Shiriashi , let me play some more, na, na! Onegaiiii!
-"Dame yo Kin-chan, it's over. Now go and practice for your next match."
-"Whaaaat? But but…"
-"No buts Kin-chan. Hora hayaku."
-"Mou, Shiraishi, your boring….."
-"It seems you still have a hard way with the freshman Shiraishi-kun."
-"Hm? Oh Akane-chan. Long time no see. How' you been?
-"He he, just fine thank you.
-"Senpai…"
-"Oh , Shiori, since you're here, meet the captain of Shitenhouji, Shiraishi Kuranosuke." This is our own excellent freshman, Shiori Yamanaka.
-"Nice to meet you Shiori.
-"It's a pleasure as well."
-"Ne, Shiraaishii, I finished my practice, can I go and challenge Koshimae?"
-"NO."
-"Heee? But I wanna!"
-"Echizen has his own games, so stop it. You'll probably see him later when it's our turn.
-"Mmmmm, really?
-"Yes."
-"He he! Just be ready Koshimae! I'll be the one who wins!"
-"So this is your rookie, VERY energetic."
-"Aa, Kin-chan, introduce yourself."
" Wai ya Touyama Kintarou de imasu, yoroshu, yoroshu!"(I had to put that in here…^-^)
-"Kyaaa, Kansai ben really is the best! How cute.! I'm Shinowaza Akane. Nice to meet you. And this pretty girl here is our freshman Shiori."
-"I can introduce myself, senpai thank you very much."
-"Shiori ka? Cute name. Wai ya Kintarou . Yoroshu, yoro..
-"I heard you the first time"
-"Eh?". Shiraishi and Akane bursted out laughing.
-"Seems like finally someone was able to hold down Kin-chan 's loud voice.
-"Shiraaishiii! Hm, it's not me, she's just to sensitive."
-"Nandato?"
-"Now now Shiori-chan, don't get mad, Akane tried to hold her down while suppressing her own laughter. You have a match coming up."
-"Na, are your eyes always like this?"
-"Excuse me?"
-"Your eyes. They seem confused and lost. Sort of….. .Or maybe you're just nervous from the next match, ha ha, scaredy cat."
-"Kin-chan!"
-"I had enough of this, I'm going to train, see you at the match senpai."
-"This is odd."
-"What?"
-" Kin-chan actually got her mad. Shiori has been acting differently for the past weeks. I thought she wouldn't react to anything anymore. She actually didn't see that all of us noticed her state. She's become so oblivious, the one we thought of the most perceptive."
-"Hm…., "
-"Whatdoesheknow?. She left leaving the bouncing redhead behind trying not to feel his stare reflecting her own lifeless eyes. How did someone like him, an unpolished spirit see through her so easily? Those coffee-green eyes weighted so much on her skin. AmIthatobvious?"
-"Shitsurei shimasu, please can I come through?"
-"Oh, I'm sorry, please."
-"Hey wasn't that the actress….what's her name…Hikari something"
-"Really?" Wow, stupendous looking woman."
-"40-love, Yamanaka Shiori."
-"Seems like our Shiori is in top form. But really, what's up with her?"
-"He,he buchou, someone really stepped on her shoes this time"
-"It's step on her toes, Akane."
-"What?"
-"It's to step on one's toes not on one's shoes. As in to upset somebody? Jeez"
-"Oh shut up Nanase. As I was saying someone really made her mad. That's why she's hitting the ball so hard."
-"And who was that?"
-"Well no one other than Shitenhouji's.."
-Oiiii Shiraishiii, Shiori-chan is plaing on court A! Oiiiiii!
-"Rookie, Touyama Kintarou. That one that just yelled."
Everybody turned to look at him.
-"Are? Na, Shiraishi, everybody's looking over here."
-Of course they are, keep your voice down Kin-chan. Mataku na…."
-"Kawaiiii!"
-"Deshou?" He's really cute. And you should hear the accent….Kyaaaa!"
"Akane, you should keep your voice down or you'll get Shiori more mad than she already is."
-"Hm?" Yipes! Really now, she is mad…."
-"Ano baka" is all Shiori could murmur before the ball hit another winning strike.
-40-love, match point, Yamanaka Shiori."
-"Shiori-chan's pretty good, ne Shiraishi.?"
-"She sure is.."
-"Excuse me, is this seat available?"
-Hai, dozo."
Shiraishi couldn't help but notice the happiness on the woman's face, the one he just offered his seat to whenever Shiori would hit a valid strike. Her beautiful hands constricted each other in a pale embrace.
-"Na Shiraishi, look, hey what'cha looking at? Are, na oba-san are you Shiori's mother? You have the same face."
-"Excuse me?" the woman asked fearfully.
-"Itmightjustbe…Shiraishisaidtohimself.
-"Advantage, Shiori Yamanaka."
-"Hee? Way to go Shiori! Ganbatte na!"
-"Deuce."
-"Hora Kin-chan, you distracted her."
-"Would you shut up, Mowgli!"
-"Mowgli? Who's that?"
-"Apparently, you, Kin-chan."
-"That's our Shiori, calling people names. She's starting to act like her old self again. Right buchou?"
-"Just watch the match Akane."
-"Really now…."
-"Ano baka, he's so loud." A glimpse of midnight caught her eyes and for a moment her body remained still to a memory, very precious, very painful and her guarded photograph in her drawer unfolded before her eyes.Mother…"
"Advantage, Futamata Aya."
"He? What are you doing Shiori-chan?"
"Dammit. I have to finish this."
"Oba-san, where are you going? Na, na?
-Doumo arigatou, I have to leave."
-"Heeee? Strange that woman,ne Shiraishi, and Shiori played so nice."
-" 6-1, winner Yamanaka Shiori."
-"Whaaa? I didn't even see that….."
-"Come on Kin-chan, the court is ours.
-"Mmm."
-"Way to go Shiori! Hora, where are you going? Shiori!"
-"Okaa-san, wait, wait okaa-san!"
-"See Shiraishi, I told you she was Shiori-chan's mother."
-"That's the famous actress Yamanaka Hikari. Wow, she's Shiori's mother? No wonder she's so pretty."
-"Honma ka?"
-"Nanase's right she's Hikari Yamanaka. Sure didn't see this coming. Shiori never speaks of her, her grandfather separated them after Shiori's dad died ten years ago. Maybe that's why Shiori's been acting like this lately."
-"The absence of a mother will start to hurt sooner or later, it's the way things go."
-"Coach, you're here."
-"Let's give Shiori chan some privacy."
-"That's so sad, Shiraishi, ne? That's why poor Shiori had those eyes."
-"Aa. Well, let's go and finish our matches."
-"But, but, can't I go and comfort her?"
Shiraishi's eyebrow raised involuntarily and a fine smile was starting to form at the corners of his lips.
-"Later Kin-chan, we have to win our matches, or do you want to lose and not make it in the finals?"
"-Katamon ga cha!
"That's the spirit. Now come."
-"Shiori….."
The sinking, setting sun and scarlet clouds were covering the evening sky, and one solitary ray had painfully stung the horizon. The wind was left undisturbed, and summer rain was the only question you could ask of it.
-"How long have you been doing this? Sneaking around so you could see me."
-"Your obaa-san let me in when you were asleep and when Takahirou ji-san was away from home. "
That hurt so much, she almost gritted her teeth. Looking into the midnight eyes she fell asleep dreaming of, she could only see the same emptiness that gradually started to fill her inside.
-"You know Shiori, even if you don't believe me, even if you don't care, or if it sounds like a lie, I never stopped loving you, thinking of you or dreaming of you. Wanting to have you near me, to wake you up in the morning, have breakfast together, drive you to school, and watch your tennis matches… I could only do things like this in the shadow.
When Sousuke died, I was still auditioning; I didn't have a proper employment… But I didn't want to lose you, nor make you feel like you didn't deserve things… When Takahiro denied my presence to you…"
-"Mom…"
-"You may not understand me now. I was so angry with him, you were my child. But I had to prove him I was capable of doing what I had set my heart to. Do you have a dream, Shiori? Something you want so bad, that if you don't at least try and make it happen you'll wonder all your life why you couldn't make it happen. Something so strong inside of you…"
-"Actually, I do. But..."
-"Now you'll understand me just a bit. Why my dream of becoming an actress wasn't just a child's dream. Of course I never wanted to lose you on behalf of that, but after your father passed away, and Takahiro-ji san was so turned on against me, taking you away from me and leaving me alone in an almost maddening loneliness…. I would have given up my dream for just an hour of your presence. THAT is the truth. "
She couldn't see right with the tears that blocked her vision. Night was close and the wind suddenly felt cold.
-" I'm all right now, and I'm so happy to see you healthy, although I can feel something is troubling you. The only piece of advice I can give is don't give in. You're so young, your heart doesn't need wasted thoughts, it's young and all it should do is fall in love, taste happiness and reach the sky, scream out to the world that you'll fight for everything you see worth. Stay true to yourself. I'll talk to your grandparents. Just….wait for me."
The only thing she could focus on was the light sensation of a kiss on her forehead.
-"That was really great Kintarou-chan, I can't believe it you managed to defeat him in 20 minutes. Not to mention straight sets.
-"He he!" Katmon ga ch…woooo…"
-"Watch out Shiori-chan!"
That hair touching a cheek, stirring the waves inside a sun, and a heart beating faster for the first time in what seemed like a forgotten time. (Seems like lyrics, lol…not that intention, really ^-^'). It was unexpected, and surging, just like that.
-"What's with the commotion in my restaurant? Are…. What the heck!"
-"Get off me jungle boy!"
-"Ehehe ehehe, suman, I really didn't want that to happen, I just tripped and landed on you Shiori-chan. Well, I really wasn't trying to kiss you intentionally and…"
-"Would you shut up! It's embarrassing as it is….."
-"Waaa, Shiori-chan got kissed, afufufu…."
-"You shut up as well Akane senpai!"
-"Look it's raining."
Unexpected just like the rain that was falling right now, washing away a day's heat..
-"If it helps somehow, Shiori-chan, you were the first girl I ever kissed, as to say that was my first kiss, na, na? Wai ya…"
-"It's okay Kin-chan, it was Shiori-chan's first kiss as well. Actually….. Kyaaaa!"
-Honma ka?"
-".ne Senpai!"
-"Now don't get mad…"
-"Come here senpai, where are you going?"
-"Seems like something happended to Shiori-chan, na? She seems somehow…relieved."
-"Senpai! Stay here!"
-"No, you'll hurt me!"
-"It 's okay Shiori-chan, actually there are different types of kisses, I read in the manga you can also use your tongue! Omoroi na!
-"Would you shut up monkey boy!"
-"Uuuu look Shiori's all red! Ahahahaha!"
-"S.E.N.P.A.I!"
-"Shiraishi, what have you been teaching him?"
-"Eh? He's a manga maniac, I didn't teach him anything."
-"Mou, I had enough of this. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Thanks for the sushi Sensei, it was delicious."
-"Hora, Shiori-chan, wait. It's raining outside."
-"You did it this time Kin-chan, now she's upset."
-He? Sonnnaaa…" Ha! I'll go and apologize, mata na Shiraishi!"
"Hora matte yo Kin-chan! Kin-chan! Mataku na…."
It felt cold. Colder than usual. Or maybe she's just forgotten its touch. It's like she was numb for so long, she gradually started to make sense to the things that for a long time seemed euphemistic to her. Rain felt unusually good on her skin right now. Unusually cold. Her fingertips wondered unconsciously to her lips. The only spot that felt searing. She suddenly felt embarrassed and mad, when that happened. It was like an ice shower that woke her from a lone forgotten slumber. His lips, that had no particular smell, just very smooth, that's the only perception her brain had captured, had left her suspended in an own fabricated silence. 10 seconds. Until his eyes reminded her they were to close.
-"You'resoyoung,yourheartdoesn'tneedwastedthoughts,it'syoungandallitshoulddoisfallinlove,tastehappinessandreachforthesky…"
-"That's what mother said. I wonder if her heart still feels young? How long does your heart feel young? All your life, are you allowed to?"
"-Oiii Shiori-chan!"
-"Hm?"
-"Pfuuu, I'm soaked. Na, Shiori-chan, I wanted to apologize for being so.."
-"Ne, Kin-chan, does your heart feel young?"
-"He? Nani?'
-"Your heart. Does it feel young?"
-"Well of course! Why? doesn't yours feel as well?" Shiori-chan?"
-"I think so, I don't know… Haha said it is and that I should use it to fall in love and feel happy, but.."
-"You talked to your okaa-chan? And she's right, think happy things Shiori-chan, that way you'll never feel sad. Well almost never…I think. I don't know about love though, I mean I love Shiraishi and Chitose and Shihan and all the team, and otou-san and okaa-san and Mojo. And tennis and.."
-"Who's Mojo?"
-"He? My dog! He's big and black and barks a lot."
-"What? Ahahahaha!"
-"Eh, Shiori-chan?"
-Oh, Kami-sama, thanks Kin-chan I haven't laughed since… Thank you."
-"You're welcome."
-"My dad died when I was 5. Mom was devastated. Her eyes were red from all the crying. At one point she couldn't cry anymore that's how bad it hurt. As a child I couldn't understand, but when I think of it now….Last month was his 10-year anniversary. Grandpa had taken me under his wing after that. I wanted my mother, but as a kid I couldn't do anything, she was so painfully destroyed after that. A picture of her was all I had left. As the years passed she had become a famous actress. I never told anyone, but I snucked out once to see one of her plays. She was magnificent. But that loneliness in her heart was so painfully evident, it hurt so much, I cried all day. My grandparents didn't know what to do with me. Maybe it's impossible to be sure of everything, but love is one thing I know she needed. No matter how much you hurt someone or get hurt by you find yourself unable to live without him or her. I really want to find that kind of love, one that raises you to want to become a person that deserves to stand by the loved one's side. No matter how much it hurts sometimes, to find yourself far from hating it, actually hoping that those wounds will scar like burns and you'll carry them with you throughout time, because then you can never forget. And you will never ever be able to leave the person you love, and always stay by his side. And….why the heck am I telling you this?"
-Don't cry Shiori-chan, you're so pretty…"
-"I'm not crying, it's the rain…. I just… I just… I don't want to lose myself, why am I so afraid I'll lose myself. Even in love I want to stay true to myself."
-"And? What's the problem then?"
-"Didn't you just hear? What if I lose who I really am and forget about who I was? I want to love without feeling I let myself fall…"
-"That's stupid. It can't happen, Shiori chan. Ahahahaa, you really ask some stupid questions sometimes! Ahahahaha!"
"He?"
"Don't you know Shiori-chan?"
-"….."
-"You can't lose yourself when you truly love someone, because love shows our true self, no one will love you if you try and be someone else. So you can't lose your true self because without showing it you won't get the real love you expect. Baka! Didn't you know that! It's easy. Ahahaha"
It was as simple as he had said it. His words and his laughter were the only thing she could hear, rain was falling somewhere beyond this moment. Him…. He had known the answer to the question that had dragged her into such a dark abyss, without leaving her anything to crawl out of, it was almost funny. Him, of all people. And it was so simple, so simple….
-"Kin-chan….". Her voice was strangled by her own tears and all she could to was creep into his arms and cry in his chest.
-"Shiori-chan? Daijobu ka?"
-"Arigatou, Kin-chan, arigatou.."
-"Ma,ma, stop crying, it wasn't something so great, Calm down." "WhatshouldIdo?"
It was really well intentioned, all of it.
-"Shiori-chan"
-"Ye…impphhh"
Her eyes had closed without her will and her hands were gripping tightly his wet jacket. His damp red hair was tickling her check in a innocent caress while rain was stirring the waves inside her heart. His moist lips had molded protectively over her own like a wet flower and night had overcome its last star. It was something that she'll never forget.
Her eyes shut open, blinking curiously before feeling his tongue inside her mouth. And that's when he pushed him aside
-Idiot, what the Hell are you doing?"
-"Ma, ma, don't get mad Shiori-chan, I just.."
-"What?"
-"Well I just thought we'll try the tongue kiss as well since we already did the first one without it, and I read in the man.."
-"Aho ka omae?"
-"Don't be mad, na, na?" I'm sorry if you didn't like it, I thought…Shiori-chan, why are you so red?"
-"Eh? Feeling her face, she was all warm, and her own picture of herself was of someone really flushed. " I… I… I'm going home!"
"Heeee? Matte! Shiori-chan!, Na, tell me then, you liked it then, didn't you? Na? Na?"
"Hm, don't flatter yourself jungle boy."
"Does this mean we're together, we already kissed twice. And in the same day!"
-"Uruse!"
-"Na, Shiori-chan, where are you going?"
-"Home."
-"Don't be mean, I'll walk you over there, na?"
-"Do what you want."
-Shiori-chaaan! Na! Shiori-chan te ba!
The fact that he grabbed her hand and held it all the way didn't upset her. All on the contrary, she felt happy, and relieved someone was able to cut those wings that held her in such a poisonous state. And she finally found that something without shape that her heart needed, without releasing what was important to her. She was happy now, as clumsy and wild as he was, she was happy she had him by her side, to have a vivid memory of that what she needed. And it was always with her. She was happy she was worthy of him. She'd promised she'll become someone who deserves to be by his side. And make him an important person in her life. Smiling was now something she wore everyday. Summer began being fun. It was one sunny afternoon, she wrote their names across the sky.