From the deepest parts of Rora's memory lay Moomin Valley, land of the druggy white blobs and animal thingje.s. Sat atop a breezy hill was a little green boy named Snufkin. He was the most polite boy anyone could ever want. In fact, it was every mother's dream to have him as a son. And it was every tumblr fangirl's wet dream to wtf is this going to I will stop now. But something was off and everyone knew it. It was obvious but Snufkin hit puberty too early - his voice was far too deep for his age.
This imperfection caused Snufkin a great deal of distress. He felt unconfident knowing about his weird deep voice. So today Snufkin was sitting atop a hill, gazing into the sunset very silently, feeling that maybe he could weep in the soft grass.
Soon, the sunset faded to amber, and the stars began to devour the sky. Snufkin decided to head back, but suddenly, he heard a faint rustle behind him. Someone was trying to walk quietly around the grass.
"Who's there?," he asked.
"elelele"
And then Snufkin saw him - a large ogre whose skin was the same color as his Moomin dress.
At that very moment, an electric feel shOOK his tiny man body. Snufkin was immediately confused and thrown off by his appearence. The ogre was without a doubt - not the best looking. But something about him was strange. New. Appealing.
Snufkin lifted his gaze and stared into the ogre's face, falling backwards onto the soft grass. A few bugs flew out of the brush and landed onto the green creature. He smiled at them and laughed.
"Little green boy, you need not be afraid of me," the green ogre spoke. "My name is Shrek - the Green Lord of the seven memes."
"Ah…," Snufkin was about speak but caught his breath. He stared into Shrek's brown brown poo eyes and felt as if he was sinking into the softest sand. For a moment, he could not speak.
Suddenly, Shrek gently picked up Snufkin's little man bodee with his giant yaoi hands, and Snufkin managed to regain his voice.
"May I ask, what are you doing here?"
Shrek looked at him and smiled. He placed his ogre finger on Snufkin's tiny palms.
"This," the Green Lord spoke, "I came here for these."
"Snufkin. You have the most kawaii desu hands I have ever laid eyes upon."
Snufkin's eyes began to well with tears.
"They are so smol and adorable."
One drop began to trickle down his cheek.
"I love the way your hands move around in that giant moomin shirt," the Green Lord spoke as his tongue briefly escaped his mouth, flicking up and down at 30 mph.
At that very moment, Snufkin began to cry. He sobbed and let out weird manly croaks of sobbing. Shrek let him weep on the collar of his ogre shirt. "W-why…," the green boy whispered between sobs, "no one has ever complimented my body before…people always told me my voice was…"
"Shhhhh," Shrek shushed and swooped his head down like sanic, his neck stretched to great lengths. "Snufkin."
"..w-what?"
"I love you."
"A…"
Snufkin was about to speak but Shrek laid his giant yaoi lips on him.
"Mama! Mama!!!," Moomin yelled as he ran downstairs.
"What Moomin?," sighed Moomin mama. She was getting tired of his bullshit.
"Have you seen Snufkin?"
"havent heard from him lol"
"Oh no…"
Little My was outside on the bridge, calling the little green boi's name.
"Snufkin!!! SnufFKINNNFKSNN'
"My!!!," Moomin teleported out of nowhere, "Have you seen Snufkin?????"
"Nop"
"O"
Moomin became extremely depressed. What will he ever do without his best friend? In fact, he wanted to confess to him. But all his courage was built up for nothing. Because Moomin loved none but Snufkin. He was the light to his dark. The wood to his flame. The donkey to his shrek. And no matter how many sexy people he sees, he will never let go of his passIONATE LUST FOR SNUFKIN. And he needed to find him soon.
While he was thinking about cringy shit he heard a noise. He knew that deep, sexy voice from anywhere.
"Snufkin!!!," he called, "Are you here?? Please come out! I have something to tell you!"
There was no reply, but Moomin heard a faint *grunt*. He followed the strange noises until he came upon a dense swamp. Was there always a swamp in Moomin Valley?
"Well", sighed Moomin. "As long as I find my green boi, I shall continue on with my journey."
He began to trudge around the swamp with FULL ON DETERMINATION until he encountered a house. It reeked of onions, but he continued on anyway. Moomin heard a muffled yelp.
"Snufkin!!! Oh dear…where are you?!"
Moomin located the door. And he wasn't sure if he wanted to open it or not.
But he did.
Moomin glanced nervously at the Japanese police. They stared him up and down, especially at his giant nose.
"Moomin, I know you're a little boi but you're the only suspect of this case. Please stay calm. We won't hurt you - just answer honestly."
"What did you see that day?"
"I…"
Should he tell them the truth?
Moomin wanted to lie. He didnt want to jeopardize his life.
But…something told him not to. Something dark and moist, full of rainbows and cnacer. Something that felt retarded and could lower your IQ by 50%. He couldnt describe it.
But he knew what to do.
"I…opened the door."
"Yes…?"
"And I saw Snufkin"
"And"
"Shrek"
"They"
"OH MY GOD," one of the officers yelled, "HURRY THE FUCK UP"
Moomin had no choice.
"fuk this yolo I HAD GAY SEX WITH THEM"
The Japanese police's expressions froze. They both went dead silent, staring at Moomin with a disgruntled look.
He took a deep breath.
"Officers, I have to tell you the truth. When I opened that door I was astonished. I held the same expression as you do now. What I saw that day was almost indescribable."
The police remained shook.
"Shrek…he was on Snufkin. He was licking his hands (gross I know) whilst HAVING GAY SEX WITH HIM. And when Shrek turned his head and looked at me - with those smug smug eyes - I knew I had to do it because HE TOOK SNUFKIN AWAY FROM ME"
"Yes officers. I rAPED THEM BOTH WiTH MY TWO TINY DICKZ"
A loud BANG echoed through the room as the door opened. Another Japanese officer stepped inside. "We heard from Shrek and Snufkin's side of the story. Moomin, you are officially under arrest for alleged rape."
"nnNNOOOOOOOO," Moomin cried, "AAAAAAA"
Snufkin opened his eyes, saw Shrek, and smiled.
"Thank you Shrek…oh…"
His face contorted into fear. "That night…"
Shrek placed a giant yaoi finger on his lips. "Shhh, little green boi, You need not fear. I'm here for you."
Snufkin closed his eyes and slept, knowing he was protected by the Green Meme ( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡)