It was bleak.

Very bleak.

Bleak as his own thoughts, cold as his soul, damp and murky as the dark corners of his mind. The sky was uniformly gray, rumbling threateningly with thunder, blighting the happiness of picnickers everywhere. It was depressing, taunting him to become as depressing as it was. The weather enjoyed playing that sadistic little game…

"Murtagh, it's the sunniest day in weeks," said Thorn in exasperation.

"Thorn, really? You're a hatchling who can't possible understand what I go through. Now shut up."

Thorn meekly withdrew from Murtagh's mind, and left the dragon rider brooding in his sunbeam.

"Oh, if only my half-brother loved me! He's so cruel! I'm the clear hero! I wish we could just be best friends again!

"But I don't deserve it! I am totally and utterly worthless!"

Murtagh gazed emoishly out at the group of children playing out on the lawn. They were the sons and daughters of nobles, and they were enjoying a carefree game of tag.

"I wish I could have had a childhood. Oh, cruel mother who left me with a sword-throwing maniac! Why did you forsake me?"

"Murtagh, she had very little choice. Your father—"

"Thorn, don't preach at me."

Grumbling, the dragon went back to sitting in the dragonhold quietly growing mentally mature at an unbelievable rate so that he would be able to give sage romantic advice to Murtagh at the proper moment.

As Murtagh was bemoaning his childhood deprivation of living in a normal suburb with normal kids, his ears pricked up.

"My damsel-in-distress senses are tingling!" thought the red rider.

Around the corner, a totally helpless maid was attempting to fight off an unimportant general of some kind, who was trying to rape her right in the hallway. Murtagh ran up and punched him in the face.

"Leave her ALONE!" he thundered, sounding terrifying and vigilante-ish. The general ran off in terror, and the maid swooned.

"Oh, thank you so much for saving me!" she said, fluttering her eyelashes. Murtagh gazed enigmatically at her.

"It was nothing," he said, before striding away.

He accidentally walked right into Galbatorix's daughter, Aurora. She was dressed in trousers and a tunic that showed off her figure and her feminism perfectly. She carried an awesome rider's sword and was looking defiant.

Murtagh gaped. She was just so very beautiful…raven black hair, almost-elven features, tall, thin, and with a great chest…

"Stop looking at me! I can't help it that I'm beautiful!" scowled the girl. "Unlike your mom! BURN!"

"Sorry," said Murtagh meekly. Her powers of wit never failed to amaze him…

"My daddy's so mean!" she said. "First, he won't buy me a new wardrobe. Second, he's making me test the third egg and become his rider-slave forevermore. Can you believe it?"

Murtagh took on a sudden Han-Solo demeanor. "Look, princess, my problems will always be bigger than yours. I've been better than you ever since we grew up as play-enemies!"

"Hmm!" sniffed the princess. She walked away, hips shaking with every stride.

Since he regularly stalked females, Murtagh followed her down to the dragon hold. There, the maid he'd encountered earlier and a random girl with a shirt that had "THE VARDEN RULEZ!" written across it and an awesome bow and arrow were fighting over the third dragon egg. Murtagh was mildly interested.

Galbatorix's daughter, being the savvy one, reached down and pulled out the fourth egg, which existed on an inter-dimensional plane and only appeared when needed to make a girl immortal like Murtagh but to save the third for Arya so as not to appear sueish. It was purple and shinier than the rest.

Nonchalantly, she tossed it up in the air and it hatched mid-toss. The dragon fell into her hands. She smirked and then fainted from the pain of receiving her gedway ignasia. Murtagh picked her up, carried her to his own room and healed her. Then, he reflected emoishly for a few moments.

"To change my true name or not, that is the question! If I only had a beautiful girl who would teach me how to love!"

Aurora whimpered prettily, and Murtagh threw another blanket over her protectively. Unfortunately, she had been whimpering from overheating and suffered heatstroke a few moments later, but Murtagh was too busy brooding to notice.

The maid he's saved brought him food, and there was a rather steamy scene where he realized his love for her and they kissed for a few moments. They were just about to get it on, when Aurora woke up and sent the maid packing, with a few proper witty responses.

And then there was another passionate scene, and apparently Galbatorix's daughter was pure as driven snow and yet probably the best shag anyone had ever had. Figures.

The next day, it turned out that the "VARDEN RULEZ!" girl had won the tug-o-war for the green egg, which she creatively named Greeni, but had been captured. Murtagh was to train her.

She beat him at everything.

Then they shagged.

"I'm sorry," Murtagh asked the next morning, "but what did you say your name was?"

"I didn't," replied the girl. "I'm Aria the Traumatized. Please, don't remind me of my abusive childhood."

"Um," said Murtagh tactfully. "When I was young, my father threw a sword at me."

Aria burst into tears.

"Murtagh, do I give the advice now, or is this the part where I call you stupid in a funny way that's beyond a hatchling's capabilities?" asked Thorn.

"This is your cue! Go on, 'Murtagh, you're stupid. Now treat the girl right. I already love her!'"

"Can't I have a little artistic license?" begged the dragon.

"No! You're lucky to be here at all!" said Murtagh.

Aria convinced Murtagh to change his true name. He did it, easy as pie, and snagged the fifth egg, which existed on another metaphysical plane, and awaaaaay they went. Galbatorix didn't notice, because he was too busy Being Evil. This consisted of calling random people and telemarketing, tripping old ladies, and torturing innocent citizens of the Empire by playing the Beach Boys on endless loop.

Thorn never changed his true name, but he came along anyway. He had to use a plot hole, which is a very uncomfortable way to be transported.

Murtagh wanted to go to the Varden, and was hoping they'd forgive him. They did, of course, Nasuada stood up for him passionately, throwing the good of the Varden to the wind. Then, she brought up the time they'd shagged in Farthen Dur, and they fell in love again.

Eragon acted like an ass for a bit, but after Murtagh gave him good advice about Arya, they kissed and made up.

Literally.

Eragon and Arya had a cute scene where Arya's character did a one-eighty. She and Eragon kissed. It was cute. Not as cute as Aria and Murtagh, however.

Then, they went to fight the king. Aurora killed him, shouting something meaningful, but Murtagh didn't catch it, as he was in a closet with the maid he'd rescued at the time. There was celebration, and Roran was crowned king of Alagaesia, even thought he was a poor farmer turned warrior with absolutely no political expertise. Alagaesia fell into chaos in a month. Eragon had blissfully sailed away with Arya, so he didn't notice.

Murtagh was too busy to help because he was embroiled in ten different paternity lawsuits. Hvedra, Aurora, Aria, Nasuada, Arya, Katrina, Jessie (the random maid) Ashley (the other random maid) and Kate (the girl who fell into Alagaesia from a strange place called earth) had apparently been forgetting a very important pill.

"Screw this," said Murtagh finally. "I'm going to go live out the rest of my days on Vroengard. Alone."

And he did.

Until the next batch of fanfiction authors began writing, that is.

…So I really hate how most authors write Murtagh's character…and my solution to everything I dislike is to parody it into oblivion…review?