(Story order: 1. Hell's Napkin 2. Uncomfortably Green 3. Leviticus Sandbox 4. Something Wrong 5. Black Eye Perplexity; also Azrael Drabbles: short stories from my universe) a/n: my (former) muse wishes to thank comedy kitty for helping him off the bus.
Azrael slowly began to wake up. The last thing he remembered was falling over dead. It was coming back to him. He'd been stabbed in the back and kicked off the roof of St. Michael's. Delilah was lying on the ground covered in blood. Saminga hit him. It went a little fuzzy after that. Now he was someplace that he knew wasn't the Pit.
There was no screaming and it smelt like… he wasn't sure what it smelt like. It wasn't the usual offensive odor though. Sort of musty. He felt strange. His mind was still cloudy so he couldn't quite put his finger on what exactly felt different. He did notice that there was only the sound of his own voice in his head. That was good… lonely, but good.
As his mind started to clear a bit, he realized that there was something damp and wet across his eyes… and that he was lying in a very comfortable bed. He reached up to find that it was a wet wash cloth across his face, and pulled it off.
He looked around at his new, very much not Hell, surroundings. He was in a bedroom of some sort. There was very little in the room aside from the usual furniture, a small tv, radio, and an odd potted plant. He tried to sit up, but was stopped by a gentle hand on his forehead.
The hand belonged to a little old lady who had been sitting beside the bed the entire time, but had gone completely unnoticed.
"Lay back down, dear. That was quite a nasty fall you had. You need your rest."
Azrael looked over at her, intent on asking a million questions. Where am I? How did I get here? Why are the sounds in my head gone? Why do I feel so strange? Don't you know I'm a fucking demon? He thought better of it and said nothing instead. He was just grateful he wasn't waking up to Saminga pummeling him.
The little old lady leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
"I'm going to go watch my stories. You go back to sleep, Joseph."
Azrael could only stare at her, completely confused. She smiled, then left him to rest, shutting the bedroom door behind herself. He sat up in the bed, trying to piece this together but was, per usual, coming up completely blank. None of this made any sense. He reached up, intent on running his hand through his hair. What he did, however, was not brush up against his horns. They were gone. Millions of years of those damnable things and they were gone, just like that. Innumerable amounts of new emotions were filling him.
There was nothing odd about the room except for the fact that it looked as though it hadn't been lived in… and the strange appearance of the potted plant. Perhaps it was the old lady's guestroom. The clothes he was wearing weren't his. He had on a Jersey Devils t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. It suddenly occurred to him why he felt so strange. A stranger feeling than that of his new found emotions and of his loss of horns combined. Timidly he peeked inside his shorts, only half expecting what he found.
"Holy shit!"
"Holy shit is right," said Metatron as he arrived just in time to see Azrael make his new discovery. "That's the last thing someone like you needs."
Azrael looked up at Metatron, with a slight flush of embarrassment combined with a whole lot of confusion. Then, he did the last thing he wanted to do in front of the Voice of God… he began to cry. Not a pitiful weep, but a flood of tears that betrayed the annoyed look that was on his face. He didn't feel sad. What was wrong with him? It was like he couldn't control what his body was doing anymore, though technically this was the first time he'd ever actually had a body. He wiped at his eyes with the palms of his hands.
Metatron stood nearby, quietly watching. He looked as though he was slightly amused at the overemotional display. He probably was. The angels always did hold a perverse desire to see a crying demon, which up until this moment, none had.
Azrael tried his best to stop the steady flow. Finally he just sucked back what he could and wiped his face with his shirt. He thought he saw a smile cross Metatron's lips.
"What's wrong with me? This feels horrible."
"God has made you human."
Azrael sat for a moment, sniffing and rolling the concept of humanity around in his head. Common sense had told him that he was human, but he didn't believe it until Metatron said it out loud.
"Human? Why in the hell am I human? And who is that woman? And why is she calling me Joseph? And… and why the fuck can I not stop crying?"
Metatron waited a minute for Azrael to calm his uncontrollable tears before trying to explain.
"You are human because we needed someone to find the girl that They are hiding. We decided on you because you're the only one who knows what she looks like. And, you are also the last one They would suspect. If we sent one of our boys down, They'd almost certainly know. You, on the other hand, are just a worthless suicidal muse to Them. I should know because you're pretty much the same to us. Bloody nuisance is what you are."
"Why should I help you? What has He ever done for me? Not a fucking thing."
"I can tell you this, if you don't help, you'll remain a human until you die. Incidentally, don't get any bright ideas and get yourself killed. Standard rules apply. If you die in your human form, you go to Hell as a mortal soul. And, I'm sure there's plenty of people down there who'd love that. Also, as an added incentive, if… when you succeed in finding the girl, there's a chance that the war can be avoided. Or, at least postponed for the time being."
Azrael sniffed again. He wanted to bargain for reentry into heaven, but knew that there was no room for haggling. If he pissed Metatron off, he might be stuck in this cursed human form. Then, again…
"Don't even ask, demon! If God wanted you back in, you'd have been there already."
"You weren't up there when I got tossed out. Unjustly punished for the actions of the brutish morons who I've had the misfortune of spending more than a few millennia with. You were just a fucking human. One who hadn't even been born yet. I was a beautiful angelic creation. I was inspiration."
"You were a coward. Everyone in Heaven knows the story."
"Don't talk to me about 'the story'. You weren't there. Most of those bastards weren't there. They didn't see it first hand. It wasn't just some glorious battle. A good against evil type thing. Once it started, that line got blurred. Did you know that the Grigori children were murdered during this war that your type thinks back so fondly on? Not killed in the way humans die, but completely wiped out of existence. When you go back up, ask David and Dominic how it felt to take the lives of the innocent. Hell, go find Bartleby and ask how it felt when his only son had a sword run through him. If not murdering my friends makes me a coward… then, fuck it, I'm a coward. But, I did not deserve to get sent down into that fucking cesspit. Especially when those who did far worse things than I continue to be angels."
"And that is precisely why you need to help in stopping this new war before it starts. I fear this one's going to be a lot worse than the last. I can't make you an angel again. I can't even make you simply a dead human in Heaven. But, I did suggest you be the one to help stop this mess. I sent Delilah down to stab you in the back."
"Delilah stabbed me?!"
"Yes. You had to die in order for us to turn you human. You had to be in that transition period between death and I guess you could call it rebirth. That bastard Saminga showed up and kicked you off the roof then did a number on her. Almost ruined our plans. Don't know what he got her with, but it was a sight.
"Now, onto your mission. You were found lying unconscious on the ground, outside of this house by the elderly woman you met earlier. Call her Nana. She thinks that you're her grandson, Joseph. She's kind, but a little senile. Joseph's been dead for a couple of years. His parents are dead as well. His ex-wife still lives in the Village so you should stay away just to be on the safe side. You're in New Jersey, about two streets over from the rift. We know that the girl has to be somewhere in the general area. Should you need them, the Prophets are nearby in Leonardo. You'll most likely find them at a store called the Quick Stop. Remembering all of this might be difficult as you're stuck with a pathetic mortal brain now. Speaking of, your human brain does not allow you seek out angels telepathically. If you get into trouble, you're going to have to bite the bullet and pray. Do it right and God will hear you, do it wrong and you're 'up shit creek' as they say here on Earth. Nana has plenty of Joseph's old clothes from when he would visit for you to wear. On the table, you'll find a wallet. Inside is about a hundred dollars in cash. Don't waste it because that's all you're getting.
"While you're down here or up here as the case may be, you're going to have to learn how to make use of a digestive system. And, from what I remember it's not a pleasant experience. Though in my day we just shat in a hole in the ground. Anyway… we believe that you and the girl will inadvertently find each other again. Just as you did in the store then again on the beach. Serendipity's still skeptical, but we're not taking any chances. Good luck, Azrael. And, for God's sake, stop crying."