Bored With The Rings: A Parody
No offense is meant by this harmless work of parody. I hope the girls at the Homework Center are more flattered than embarrassed at appearing as exaggerated versions of themselves in this little fiction. My apologies to Tolkien.
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It was another fabulous Tuesday afternoon and the sun was shining brightly in a cloudless sky as Tara and Adela walked to the library. Both girls volunteered one afternoon a week in the Homework Center helping young students with their take-home assignments.
"Gosh," Adela said remorsefully, "It's just so nice today. I wish we could just skip work and hang out. Nothing exciting ever happens in the Homework Center."
Tara was opening her mouth to agree when she caught sight of a shadowy figure in the bushes near the library entrance, "Who's that?" she asked, pointing towards where the crouching figure had been only seconds before she spoke.
"Who's who?" Adela answered, looking around, puzzled by the question.
"I swear I just saw--" Tara began, then changed her mind, "Never mind." How could she tell Adela she had just seen the most beautiful, golden haired guy in the world - hiding in a bush?
Muskan, who also worked in the homework center, had just finished getting a drink of water and was waiting for them with a bright smile. "What's up?" she asked, looking a Tara, "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Um--nothing," Tara smiled nervously, glancing quickly back at the bush. Maybe, she thought, I just saw a goose - right, a goose that look like a gorgeous guy?
"Let's go have another dull afternoon," Adela sighed. The three of them nodded and reluctantly went inside. However, when they entered the homework center they immediately saw that three of the tables were occupied by nervous looking cloaked men.
Cathy, the Homework Center Coordinator, sat at her usual place behind the sign-in desk, but she wore a long white cloak and her hair was suddenly very long and in tiny braids.
"Did you get wraps or something?" Muskan asked as they signed in.
"No, no--this is all me," Cathy replied cheerfully. "As you can see," she gestured, "we already have some--um, students for you to work with."
The three volunteers looked doubtfully in the direction of the "students" - one was definitely growing a beard.
"Yeah," Adela said uncertainly, thinking that Cathy had lost her mind, "Students. Right."
"Adela you can help--Aaron," Cathy indicated the one in desperate need of a shave. He waved at Adela hesitantly, "And Tara you can help-um--Leaf," she pointed to a blonde with a nice smile - Tara though he looked familiar.
"I'm Boromir," the one with the beard leapt up and grabbed Muskan's hand. She tried to snatch it back, but he was already pulling her towards a chair.
"BUDDY.I think you meant to say you're name is BUDDY," Cathy almost shouted.
"Right," he agreed, blushing with excitement, "My name's Buddy. Do you want to go to the Spring Fling with me?"
"BUDDY!" Cathy shrieked.
"Shutting up now," he said, sitting down suddenly and plopping Muskan into a chair at the same time.
Not sure of what to think, Tara and Adela drifted towards their "students."
"How can I help you?" Adela asked as she sat down across from "Aaron." He lifted his head and she was suddenly mesmerized by the most beautiful set of tragically blue eyes she had ever seen. "Wow," she whispered.
He pushed a textbook towards her, the liquid pools of his eyes silently pleading his cause. When she reluctantly tore her eyes away from his she looked down at the textbook, "This is a third grade social studies book."
He shrugged and smiled. His smile, a soft self-depreciating sexy smile, knocked Adela off her feet. Smitten, she smiled back.
While this was going on, Tara had sat down with "Leaf" who was holding a copy of Green Eggs and Ham.
"Would you, could you," he read to her in a sultry voice, "in a box? Would you, could you--with a fox?"
Besides having stunning blonde hair arranged in strange little knots and braids, "Leaf" had the most fabulous blue eyes Tara had ever seen and he was using them to peer deeply into her soul. Noticing his skin was richly tanned, she thought, I bet he surfs a lot. Then she noticed his ears were slightly pointed.
Quietly, Cathy got up and hung a CLOSED sign on the door before shutting it.
"Wait a minute," Tara said, jerking away, "You're that guy from the bushes outside!"
"What's going on here," Muskan demanded, yanking her hand from "Buddy" who had been kissing it tenderly. Adela didn't appear to notice anything except "Aaron's" breathing.
Rising to her full height, Cathy spoke in a mysterious voice, "What is going on is--magic." If she had expected some explosive outcry or thunderous crash of theme music, Cathy was disappointed. The only sound was "Buddy" kissing Muskan's elbow.
"Let me explain. I am not from here--I come from a land far away" she began.
"I thought you were from Texas," Muskan said just before sharply elbowing Buddy in the mouth. He fell to the ground and started kissing her tennis shoes.
Cathy responded irritably, "No, that was part of my cover story - like my frumpy looks and dull personality - so you would not suspect why I was really here." Again she paused, waiting for someone to inquire. She went on slowly, pausing for dramatic effect, "I-am--really here-because--." She allowed for a moment of tense, anxiety filled silence then shrugged and said it, "these guys need dates for the Spring Fling."
"Dates!" Muskan and Tara said simultaneously. Adela just smiled at "Aaron."
"Buddy" popped up and quickly addressed Muskan, "PleasegowithmetotheSpringFling pleasepleaseplease!"
"As if!" Muskan pushed him away. He started to cry.
Cathy shook her head slowly and gave the other two men meaningful wiggles of her eyebrows.
"Leaf" spoke first, he turned to Tara and softly whispered, "My lady, you are as beautiful as the moonlight drifting through Mirkwood, at first sight of you I felt my heart pierced as if by an arrow."
Tara felt an overwhelming sensation in her stomach - it was unbridled, extreme happiness welling up inside her - and nearly passed out, but then he took her hand and asked, "Will you allow me to escort you to the Spring Fling."
She was riding the tsunami of happiness, but something was still bothering Tara, "Is your name really Leaf? I mean if it is then that's okay, but it's kind of Hippy."
"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood," he kissed her hand, "and your humble servant."
"Legolas--" Tara sighed. Definitely better.
He looked at her with his dreamy blue eyes, "Will you go to the dance with me?"
"Yes," she nodded and smiled broadly.
"That's settled," Cathy said with satisfaction, "Aragorn, stop making cow- eyes at the girl and get on with it."
Aaron/Aragorn took Adela's hand and started to speak, she immediately said, "YES!" They resumed their mutual gazing.
"Boromir?" Cathy stomped across the floor and rolling him onto his back. He wept piteously, repeating that she already said no to him and he was doomed. "For Heaven's sake, you're a prince of Gondor. Get up and ask her properly," she kicked him in the ribs. "And cut the kissy kissy crap!"
Boromir stood up, pushing his slightly greasy hair out of his face, but he was too shy to look up. He wasn't too bad looking, Muskan thought, just geeky and annoying.
"Will you go to the Spring Fling with me?" he mumbled.
"Do I get a corsage?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Dinner?"
"Yes."
Muskan considered, then pushed it to the limit, "Limo?"
"Yes, anything you want."
"I have a list," she held it up. Boromir scanned it quickly and repeated, "Anything you want."
"No kissy stuff - it's pathetic."
Disappointed, he agreed.
"Okay," she said at last. He let out a whoop and did a victory dance around the room, giving Legolas a high-five as he passed.
"Thank goodness," Cathy beamed, "I'll be right back. I've got to go make a few phone calls. Hold down the fort for me--" she breezed out leaving the door open behind her.
Two or three regular students came in, including Bill who jerked his thumb at the departing Cathy and asked, "What's with the braids?"
No one answered because three black-cloaked figures came to the door causing the room temperature to fall twenty degrees. Silence filled the room as they stepped through the door and stood at the sign in desk.
Suddenly Legolas, Tara, Boromir, and Muskan were in a huddle.
"Without a doubt," Legolas said, "Those are Black Riders."
"Who?" Tara asked. He explained they were the undead souls of ancient kings who hunt for their evil master. Boromir said they kicked a lot of butt.
"I think they are not looking for us or else they would have attacked already," Boromir added. "What should we do?"
"Act natural," Legolas advised. The four of them looked up at the Black Riders and stretched their mouths into smiles.
Muskan piped up, "Sign in please."
The Black Riders hesitated a moment, then the one in the lead picked up the pen and scratched something down on the sign in sheet. Ringwraith 1. The other two followed suit. Ringwraith 2. Ringwraith 3.
"Take a seat and we'll be with you in a minute," Tara forced her voice to sound casual. She pushed Green Eggs and Ham back into Legolas' hands. Muskan turned and began drilling Boromir on his multiplication tables.
The three dark figures floated across the room to an empty table and sat down. They turned and inclined their faceless hoods in the direction of Tara and Legolas.
"With a fox? In socks?" Legolas pronounced each word with great feeling, "In a house? With a mouse?"
"Good," Tara praised him loudly and patted him on the back. The three hoods turned away.
Having done homework in record time, Bill and the two other human students signed out and left.
Immediately swords were drawn and a fight broke out between Legolas, Boromir, and the three Ringwraiths.
"Aragorn, your help!" cried Legolas, "Aragorn son of Arathorn!"
Ringwraith 1 threw Legolas upon the table where Adela and her prince sat and began choking the life out of him, Aragorn didn't stir from Adela's eyes.
Panicked, Tara smacked the Ringwraith with the only thing she had at hand -- the Dr. Seuss book. Seeing this wasn't enough, she seized her backpack, packed tightly with 90 pounds of physiology textbook and notes, and brought it crashing down on what should have been the thing's head.
"Yeah for me!" she cheered as the slimy black cloak collapsed to the ground. As it did so, the robe flew up in front of Adela, breaking her eye contact.
"Legolas!" Aragorn cried when his attention was freed. "My friend!"
He leapt up, accidentally knocking Legolas to the floor.
"Is he dead?" Adela asked, pushing the limp body with the toe of her shoe.
At once Tara fell to her knees and cried out, "Wait, wait--I know what to do!!" and grabbing Legolas, began performing mouth to mouth on him. After a moment or two he revived - as was evident by the deep breath he took - but she continued to cover his mouth with her own until Aragorn drug her off of him.
Meanwhile, for all his other faults, Boromir proved himself to be an excellent fighter. He boldly wielded two swords at once, dashing between two masses of flapping capes and calling out occasionally, "Watch me kick butt!" When he saw Legolas and Aragorn standing nearby he called, "A little help here guys--."
At that moment, the Ringwraith 1 rose up and joined Ringwraith 2 and Ringwraith 3. Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir readied their weapons. They faced off, three against three. The girls stood together in a tight knot and waited apprehensively.
A sudden crash of thunder announced the arrival of Cathy. She entered the room like a fury with braided hair flying in all directions. Her eyes were pits of blue flame as she wielded a deadly looking staff in the direction of the Ringwraiths, "Mousi Mousi WHEEEEEEE!" she shouted. With a squeak they shrank into little black mice and scampered off to the corners of the room.
"That should take care of them for awhile," Cathy said with some evident satisfaction, she had resumed her former mild-manner appearance, and added with a wink, "Let's close up shop and get these girls home so they can get ready for the dance."
It was discovered immediately after that pronouncement by Cathy the Wise - for that was her name among the inhabitants of Middle-Earth, though noticeably she wasn't known for that elsewhere - that none of the girls had anything to wear to the Spring Fling and the guys were in a similar situation, although Legolas was able to produce a rather nice silver filigree shirt it was pronounced "too 60s" by all gathered.
So it came to pass that Cathy conjured up a mini-van (seating for ten) and dropped them off at the mall, presenting each with a Most Magic Credit Card (with very low rates, she assured them) and instructing them to meet her at the entrance in three hours.
"Let's split up," Tara suggested, "and meet at the food court in two hours."
Everyone agreed this was a good idea except Muskan who complained about babysitting Boromir, but Adela and Aragorn had already wandered off in the direction of Sears and Legolas was steering Tara into the Prom Shop.
"Okay," Muskan turned and Boromir gave her a smile which she returned with an exasperated look. "First thing - the hair."
"My hair?" he echoed, but she grabbed his sleeve and began dragging him towards Kountry Kutters. A blazing orange sign declared "No Appointment Necessary!"
For some it was a long two hours.
Tara found herself sitting on the floor watching Legolas make another turn in front of the mirror. Within the first five minutes after entering the Prom Shop, Legolas used his Elven senses to located the perfect dress for her, a floor length silk gown with long flowing lace sleeves, a modest neckline, and fabulous hand beading, "Wow, it's even in my size!" she remarked.
"Of course," he smiled, but it was obvious he was distracted by the array of tux available to him. "There are so many to choose from!" he murmured in his sexy voice.
Tara looked forward to seeing Legolas in a tux (who wouldn't?) and when he emerged from the men's dressing room the sight of him took her breath away. He was definitely hot in a tux! He paused before a three-way mirror and turned slowly to absorb the full effect before saying, "I think these pants are too baggy." He disappeared into the dressing room.
The thrill dulled for Tara after the tenth or twelfth change.
"I don't know," he once more considering himself in the three-way mirror, "These lapels seem too narrow for my face-what do you think?"
"Looks great," she sighed, "Can we get it an go? We're going to be late meeting the others."
"What about the cummerbund? Did the lighter green look better?" Legolas picked up two more cummerbunds and compared them, then spotted a jacket he'd tried on earlier, "Maybe if I wore that jacket with these pants-"
Tara stood up and announced, "I'm going now."
Legolas continued to mumble indistinctly about the importance of good coloring. Tara headed for the food court - ready for a Venti anything.
She was met by the strange sight of Muskan and Boromir, laughing and sharing an extra large drink from Burger King. At least that's Muskan, she thought, but is that Boromir?
Indeed it was, a shaven and very clean Boromir wearing Levi button-down fly 501s and a t-shirt that showed off every ripple of muscular movement. From physiology, Tara knew the names of most of those muscles but had never been treated to the sight of them before.
Muskan caught sight of her and gleefully waved her to join them, "Isn't it great," she beamed at Boromir, "We went to The Leather Shop and bought tons of stuff!"
"That's great," Tara looked askance at the pile of packages of leather merchandise. "Good thing we have the mini-van."
"And I have had three-no, FOUR of these delightful meals of the King," Boromir held up his paper littered tray. "I still have some of the wondrous potatoes, would you like some?" Tara thanked him and took a few. "Are they not marvelous?" he asked. "They are best when dipped into this red sauce -"
"Uh-huh," she said, thinking he was nuts.
Adela and Aragorn sat at a nearby table deeply engaged in staring, Tara tapped Adela and the shoulder to get her attention, "What did you buy?"
"Buy?" came the girl's vague response.
"Did you get a dress?" Tara looked around for packages.
"Dress?" Adela said lamely. "Oh yeah. We looked but we couldn't find anything."
Tara grabbed a nearby empty tray and held it between the girl and her infatuation, once the contact was broken Aragorn turned to Boromir and asked, "What are those things you are eating?"
"What!" Adela snapped, seeing Tara's angry look.
"You were supposed to be shopping for a dress," she reminded the other.
"Okay, okay - I'll take him to the Prom Shop -" Adela made move to seize Aragorn who was working his way through Boromir's left over fries.
"Oh no you don't!" Tara grabbed her and turned her around, "I plan to keep you two separate until we're done. Let's go."
The two of them walked off in the direction of the Prom Shop, Adela was heard to say, "Where's Legolas?" and Tara snapped, "Never mind!"
As it turned out, Legolas had narrowed his choice down to six suits with three cummerbunds in various shades of green and matching socks. Tara recommend that he take them all and sort it out later, "We've got to find Adela a dress fast!" she added.
Legolas took a moment to size Adela up before reaching into the racks and producing a beautiful street length, off the shoulder blue satin sheath that buttoned up the side, "Wow, it's even in my size!" Adela exclaimed.
"Of course," Legolas said.
"What about Aragorn?" Adela asked as they were paying out.
"I know his size," Legolas said casually, "I buy all his clothes." He directed the sales person to add another tux to the pile.
Both girls looked at him with blank faces and then turned to look at each other.
"Your date," Adela said meaningfully, "is gay."
"Is not!"
"Is too."
Tara screamed in frustration.
"What's wrong?" Muskan asked as she entered the store.
"Tara's mad because her date is gay," Adela explained.
"No he's not!" Tara shouted.
"If Legolas is gay," Muskan ventured, pointing to Aragorn "is he gay too?"
At that moment Aragorn joined Legolas at the counter and the two friends picked out cufflinks together. Adela went pale.
"They are not gay," Adela pronounced.
"No, definitely not gay," Tara concurred.
Muskan raised her eyebrows, "Okay. Welcome to DeNile!"
"This is not going like I thought it would," Tara mumbled later as she and Adela dragged packages toward the mall entrance.
"Maybe they're bi," Muskan suggested as she slipped her drink, Boromir was carrying all of her packages, "Bi is not gay."
"SHUT UP!" Tara and Adela shouted in unison.
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All speculation on Legolas' gender preference aside, Tara, Adela, and Muskan had the usual amount of girlish fun getting ready for the Spring Fling - putting on make-up, trying out new up-dos, and speculating about who from their classes they might see at the dance.
"What do you think?" Muskan emerged from the bathroom to model a red leather dress with an amazing amount of metal studs holding it together. To compliment the dress she had on a pair of lace-up red boots with dagger sharp heels.
"Whoa!" Tara said.
"Pretty cool, huh?" Muskan turned around. "It comes with these little knives sewn into the hemline -"
"It's like something from the Matrix," Adela admitted. Muskan smiled and donned a pair of dark sunglasses.
The guys were due to pick them up at 7:30 to take them to dinner and partly because they were anxious and partly because Adela was afraid her parents would start asking Aragorn questions, all three girls were ready and waiting when a sleek baby blue limo pulled up.
Tara and Adela laughed nervously when Aragorn and Legolas stepped out wearing matching tux and extending identical bouquets of flowers, but their attention was drawn away when Muskan squealed at Boromir who emerged clutching an enormous corsage.
It was an outrageous collection of blue, white, and yellow carnations and daisies roughly 2 feet in diameter with a bevy of similarly colored ribbons that reached to the ground. Shiny letters winked out words.
"Does that say 'Be My Love Kitten'?" Tara whispered to Adela, but Adela wasn't listening. Her attention had been recaptured by Aragorn who had advanced with his bouquet of yellow roses and was presenting them in an obvious, romantic way.
Tara was about to become very jealous, but suddenly Legolas was at her side offering her a simple wrist corsage of yellow roses and telling her how lovely she looked, "There is none so fair, nor so good, or kind as you, milady."
Tara blushed and let him slide the corsage on her wrist. Looking into his blue, blue eyes, she forgot all about her former suspicions. "Oh, Legolas!" she sighed.
He bowed low and then straightened up and slapped Aragorn on the back saying, "Let's go, I'm starved."
They went to Burger King. This decision was made by Boromir who protested that he was paying for the limo and they had to go where he wanted. "You don't mind, do you?" he asked Muskan and she was so happy with everything that she just grinned back at him. "I do so love the meals of the King!"
Thankfully Burger King was nearly empty so Tara and Adela did not have to suffer too much when Legolas and Aragorn started cutting up, throwing fries at each other, and playing around with the free paper crowns they give you if you ask. The two guys giggled together like girls.
Tara's doubts returned.
Boromir ate six more Value Meals, got sick, and threw up in the limo on the way to the Spring Fling. Like Muskan, he was wearing a Matrix-like leather outfit.
Muskan turned her head away in revulsion, "I told you this was going to happen!" she handed him one of the mini-bar towels to clean himself up.
"I guess it's a good thing that leather is puke and wear," Adela observed. The smell was overwhelming and Legolas rolled down one of the windows.
"He's always getting sick," Legolas muttered in disgust. "Big baby!"
Boromir whined that no one really appreciated him and that he was very tempted to go off and become an international villain, steal a nuclear weapon, and try to destroy the world. Aragorn tried to pat Boromir on the back reassuringly, but a chilly look from Legolas stopped him. He decided to punch him in the shoulder instead.
"Cheer up buddy," Aragorn said loudly, punching Boromir again, "one day we'll see the White Towers together -"
"Like hell," Boromir scooted away from Aragorn, "I like girls."
There was an embarrassed silence in the limo. Then Adela laughed nervously. Legolas glared at Aragorn. Aragorn blushed. Tara tried to disappear into the upholstery. Boromir attempted to sit closer to Muskan who pushed him back, "Yuk, no! You smell like strawberry shakes."
At last, they arrived at the Spring Fling. Inside the pulsing beat indicated the dance was already underway at full volume.
"What evil is this?" Aragorn demanded as he covered his ears.
"I think its Brittany Spears," Muskan answered.
"Are we going to dance?" Tara asked. Legolas looked around the heaving dance floor full of pimply teenage angst and frowned. In a snooty elf-way he said," Exactly what kind of dancing is this supposed to be?"
"I think I need a drink," Boromir took off for the punch bowl.
"It's a dance," Tara said with exasperation, "You're supposed to dance!"
Suddenly the song changed and a heavy drumbeat was heard. Legolas perked up and began wildly dancing, singing along with Right Said Fred at the top of his voice:
"I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts And I'm too sexy for Mirkwood too sexy for Mirkwood 'Cause I'm so (bleep)ing good. I'm too sexy for my bow too sexy for my bow Too sexy yes I know I'm an Elf you know what I mean And I do my little turn in Rivendale Yeah in Rivendale -- in Rivendale -- yeah I shake my little tush in Rivendale."
Tara didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Then he did a few disco spins and pelvic thrusts towards the speakers and she decided to cry.
Adela turned to Aragorn, "It's okay, you don't have to dance. Let's get some punch instead." But Aragorn seemed mesmerized by the sight of an Elf in full disco mode. Others were staring too.
Suddenly, Cathy appeared, scattering people left and right with a flick of her braid, "Razor sharp," she explained. "Well girls, how's it going so far?"
Tara began sobbing loudly and pointing at Legolas.
"Oh look, there's Principal Andolf!" Muskan said, waving to an older gentlemen dressed in gray, "He's wearing his bathrobe."
Indeed, the gentleman in question was wearing what appeared to be, a long gray terry cloth robe. He was contentedly puffing on a long pipe.
"GANDALF!" Cathy cried out, obviously startled. "What are you doing here?"
Gandalf puffed on his pipe a moment before answering, "I'm getting some practice before I open my school for mutant children." He smiled. "The real question, my dear, is what are you doing here with MY heroes?"
Calmly, Cathy folded her arms across her chest and arched one eye brow, "Heroes? What heroes?"
Gandalf used his pipe stem to indicate the gyrating Legolas, stunned Aragorn, and punch swilling Boromir.
"Oh them," Cathy shrugged. "They were in need of a little R&R so I brought them here and got them dates. Girls, say hi to Gandalf the Gray."
The girls looked at each other in confusion. Adela spoke up, "You aren't Mr. Andolf, our principal?"
"Yes, but I'm also a very powerful wizard from Middle Earth and this lady - and I do hesitate to call her that - has stolen my heroes just as we were getting to the good parts of the story," Gandalf said.
"Right," Adela said, her face blank. "So you're here to take them back?"
"Take them back! Take them back!" Tara shouted tearfully pointing to the weirdly dancing Elf. "PLEASE take HIM back."
"There, there my dear girl," Gandalf patted her shoulder kindly, "Don't take it so hard. He's not really gay -- all elves are a bit queer like that --he's really very nice."
This wasn't much comfort for Tara who pulled off her corsage and ripped it apart with her teeth.
"I think I'll just take these fellows and go," from out of his voluminous robes Gandalf drew forth a staff topped with a burning red fire.
"Whoa! How'd he do that?" Muskan demanded.
"Look here, nobody's going anywhere," Cathy stomped her feet. "Until I say so." Quickly, Cathy whipped back her sleeves, icy beams shot out and doused Gandalf's flames. He gave a roar of frustration.
"Knickers too tight Gandy?" Cathy asked archly.
"I'm no side street conjurer to be trifled with you sl-" seeing some nearby parents he thought better of his word choice, "salubrious woman!"
"Salubrious!" Cathy narrowed her eyes, "Where'd that come from?"
"Never mind," Gandalf shook his staff and the flame came back, only it was pitifully weak, "Look what you've done!"
Cathy tossed her head, throwing braids in all directions, scattering the nearby crowd. Gandalf shook his fist at her," Just get on with the part where you explain why you've done this villainous act!"
"You think you're so hot," Cathy tossed her head again, this time one of the braid came close to taking Aragorn's eye out. "You and the other Maiar. It was the Three Amigos - you, Saruman, and Sauron - and what was I? Always having to tag along. Never getting any attention. It was 'Cathy make tea,' 'Cathy clean up Isengard while we're out.' Even after Sauron and Saruman started taking over Middle Earth, you never even called me. Never even asked for my help!"
"Help!" the old wizard harrumphed. "You've hardly spoken two words to me since Elrond -"
"Whoa! Let's not go there," Cathy held up her hand, "If there was dumping involved, then I think I've made it clear that I dumped him."
"Right," Gandalf rolled his eyes, "That explains why you've gained all that weight."
"What!" Cathy shouted and smacked Gandalf's nose. "What WEIGHT!"
With a furious roar, Gandalf waved his wand above his head and threw out a few errant blasts. This had the effect of clearing the dance floor.
"Cat fight!" Boromir shouted and ducked under a table, dragging Muskan with him.
"Do something!" Adela screamed to Aragorn.
"I make it a practice to never meddle in the affairs of wizards," Aragorn answered, pulling her towards another table to take cover.
"Me too!" Legolas dove under the table to join them.
"Not here!" Aragorn was heard to exclaim. Adela cried, "Yuk! Stop that!"
Tara just cried.
Gandalf and Cathy faced off and prepared to do battle.
Suddenly a student standing on the sideline morphed into a man wearing a black suit and Italian sunglasses.
"Elrond!" Cathy exclaimed, once more clearly shocked at this turn of events.
"Smith," he corrected her, cocking his head and drawing his words out. "I-- am --Agent --Smith."
"What are you doing here?" she demanded. "And can you talk any slower?"
Slowly, Smith/Elrond disconnected the hands free mic from his ear and dropped it on the floor, then he drew off his glasses, walking towards her all the time he spoke, "You see -- in - this-world-I'm - not-Lord-of - Rivendale - I'm LORD OF THE DANCE!"
Music began blasting from the speakers and Smith/Elrond grabbed Cathy and began a modified tango.
"I've missed you," he shouted over the ear popping music, "Let's get back together."
So it was a happy ending for everyone. Well, almost:
Muskan refused to dance with Boromir, so he drank a lot of punch and got sick again. In the meantime, a boy who'd been nursing a crush for Muskan all year got brave and asked her to dance. It wasn't great, but then again she was only a freshman.
Adela and Aragorn had a good time, but Aragorn finally admitted he was seriously dating some one else back in Middle Earth which caused Adela to dump what was left of the punch on his head. Adela vowed to never trust a man who let other men buy him clothes.
After he assured her he wasn't gay, Tara and Legolas finally agreed to be JUST friends. He then confessed that he planned to run off and become a pirate as soon as possible. Tara was a little worried about him being on a ship full of burly men.
What more can be said?
All happy endings are happy in the same way, only with unhappy endings do you have something to feel smug about.
---Fin---
No offense is meant by this harmless work of parody. I hope the girls at the Homework Center are more flattered than embarrassed at appearing as exaggerated versions of themselves in this little fiction. My apologies to Tolkien.
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It was another fabulous Tuesday afternoon and the sun was shining brightly in a cloudless sky as Tara and Adela walked to the library. Both girls volunteered one afternoon a week in the Homework Center helping young students with their take-home assignments.
"Gosh," Adela said remorsefully, "It's just so nice today. I wish we could just skip work and hang out. Nothing exciting ever happens in the Homework Center."
Tara was opening her mouth to agree when she caught sight of a shadowy figure in the bushes near the library entrance, "Who's that?" she asked, pointing towards where the crouching figure had been only seconds before she spoke.
"Who's who?" Adela answered, looking around, puzzled by the question.
"I swear I just saw--" Tara began, then changed her mind, "Never mind." How could she tell Adela she had just seen the most beautiful, golden haired guy in the world - hiding in a bush?
Muskan, who also worked in the homework center, had just finished getting a drink of water and was waiting for them with a bright smile. "What's up?" she asked, looking a Tara, "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Um--nothing," Tara smiled nervously, glancing quickly back at the bush. Maybe, she thought, I just saw a goose - right, a goose that look like a gorgeous guy?
"Let's go have another dull afternoon," Adela sighed. The three of them nodded and reluctantly went inside. However, when they entered the homework center they immediately saw that three of the tables were occupied by nervous looking cloaked men.
Cathy, the Homework Center Coordinator, sat at her usual place behind the sign-in desk, but she wore a long white cloak and her hair was suddenly very long and in tiny braids.
"Did you get wraps or something?" Muskan asked as they signed in.
"No, no--this is all me," Cathy replied cheerfully. "As you can see," she gestured, "we already have some--um, students for you to work with."
The three volunteers looked doubtfully in the direction of the "students" - one was definitely growing a beard.
"Yeah," Adela said uncertainly, thinking that Cathy had lost her mind, "Students. Right."
"Adela you can help--Aaron," Cathy indicated the one in desperate need of a shave. He waved at Adela hesitantly, "And Tara you can help-um--Leaf," she pointed to a blonde with a nice smile - Tara though he looked familiar.
"I'm Boromir," the one with the beard leapt up and grabbed Muskan's hand. She tried to snatch it back, but he was already pulling her towards a chair.
"BUDDY.I think you meant to say you're name is BUDDY," Cathy almost shouted.
"Right," he agreed, blushing with excitement, "My name's Buddy. Do you want to go to the Spring Fling with me?"
"BUDDY!" Cathy shrieked.
"Shutting up now," he said, sitting down suddenly and plopping Muskan into a chair at the same time.
Not sure of what to think, Tara and Adela drifted towards their "students."
"How can I help you?" Adela asked as she sat down across from "Aaron." He lifted his head and she was suddenly mesmerized by the most beautiful set of tragically blue eyes she had ever seen. "Wow," she whispered.
He pushed a textbook towards her, the liquid pools of his eyes silently pleading his cause. When she reluctantly tore her eyes away from his she looked down at the textbook, "This is a third grade social studies book."
He shrugged and smiled. His smile, a soft self-depreciating sexy smile, knocked Adela off her feet. Smitten, she smiled back.
While this was going on, Tara had sat down with "Leaf" who was holding a copy of Green Eggs and Ham.
"Would you, could you," he read to her in a sultry voice, "in a box? Would you, could you--with a fox?"
Besides having stunning blonde hair arranged in strange little knots and braids, "Leaf" had the most fabulous blue eyes Tara had ever seen and he was using them to peer deeply into her soul. Noticing his skin was richly tanned, she thought, I bet he surfs a lot. Then she noticed his ears were slightly pointed.
Quietly, Cathy got up and hung a CLOSED sign on the door before shutting it.
"Wait a minute," Tara said, jerking away, "You're that guy from the bushes outside!"
"What's going on here," Muskan demanded, yanking her hand from "Buddy" who had been kissing it tenderly. Adela didn't appear to notice anything except "Aaron's" breathing.
Rising to her full height, Cathy spoke in a mysterious voice, "What is going on is--magic." If she had expected some explosive outcry or thunderous crash of theme music, Cathy was disappointed. The only sound was "Buddy" kissing Muskan's elbow.
"Let me explain. I am not from here--I come from a land far away" she began.
"I thought you were from Texas," Muskan said just before sharply elbowing Buddy in the mouth. He fell to the ground and started kissing her tennis shoes.
Cathy responded irritably, "No, that was part of my cover story - like my frumpy looks and dull personality - so you would not suspect why I was really here." Again she paused, waiting for someone to inquire. She went on slowly, pausing for dramatic effect, "I-am--really here-because--." She allowed for a moment of tense, anxiety filled silence then shrugged and said it, "these guys need dates for the Spring Fling."
"Dates!" Muskan and Tara said simultaneously. Adela just smiled at "Aaron."
"Buddy" popped up and quickly addressed Muskan, "PleasegowithmetotheSpringFling pleasepleaseplease!"
"As if!" Muskan pushed him away. He started to cry.
Cathy shook her head slowly and gave the other two men meaningful wiggles of her eyebrows.
"Leaf" spoke first, he turned to Tara and softly whispered, "My lady, you are as beautiful as the moonlight drifting through Mirkwood, at first sight of you I felt my heart pierced as if by an arrow."
Tara felt an overwhelming sensation in her stomach - it was unbridled, extreme happiness welling up inside her - and nearly passed out, but then he took her hand and asked, "Will you allow me to escort you to the Spring Fling."
She was riding the tsunami of happiness, but something was still bothering Tara, "Is your name really Leaf? I mean if it is then that's okay, but it's kind of Hippy."
"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood," he kissed her hand, "and your humble servant."
"Legolas--" Tara sighed. Definitely better.
He looked at her with his dreamy blue eyes, "Will you go to the dance with me?"
"Yes," she nodded and smiled broadly.
"That's settled," Cathy said with satisfaction, "Aragorn, stop making cow- eyes at the girl and get on with it."
Aaron/Aragorn took Adela's hand and started to speak, she immediately said, "YES!" They resumed their mutual gazing.
"Boromir?" Cathy stomped across the floor and rolling him onto his back. He wept piteously, repeating that she already said no to him and he was doomed. "For Heaven's sake, you're a prince of Gondor. Get up and ask her properly," she kicked him in the ribs. "And cut the kissy kissy crap!"
Boromir stood up, pushing his slightly greasy hair out of his face, but he was too shy to look up. He wasn't too bad looking, Muskan thought, just geeky and annoying.
"Will you go to the Spring Fling with me?" he mumbled.
"Do I get a corsage?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Dinner?"
"Yes."
Muskan considered, then pushed it to the limit, "Limo?"
"Yes, anything you want."
"I have a list," she held it up. Boromir scanned it quickly and repeated, "Anything you want."
"No kissy stuff - it's pathetic."
Disappointed, he agreed.
"Okay," she said at last. He let out a whoop and did a victory dance around the room, giving Legolas a high-five as he passed.
"Thank goodness," Cathy beamed, "I'll be right back. I've got to go make a few phone calls. Hold down the fort for me--" she breezed out leaving the door open behind her.
Two or three regular students came in, including Bill who jerked his thumb at the departing Cathy and asked, "What's with the braids?"
No one answered because three black-cloaked figures came to the door causing the room temperature to fall twenty degrees. Silence filled the room as they stepped through the door and stood at the sign in desk.
Suddenly Legolas, Tara, Boromir, and Muskan were in a huddle.
"Without a doubt," Legolas said, "Those are Black Riders."
"Who?" Tara asked. He explained they were the undead souls of ancient kings who hunt for their evil master. Boromir said they kicked a lot of butt.
"I think they are not looking for us or else they would have attacked already," Boromir added. "What should we do?"
"Act natural," Legolas advised. The four of them looked up at the Black Riders and stretched their mouths into smiles.
Muskan piped up, "Sign in please."
The Black Riders hesitated a moment, then the one in the lead picked up the pen and scratched something down on the sign in sheet. Ringwraith 1. The other two followed suit. Ringwraith 2. Ringwraith 3.
"Take a seat and we'll be with you in a minute," Tara forced her voice to sound casual. She pushed Green Eggs and Ham back into Legolas' hands. Muskan turned and began drilling Boromir on his multiplication tables.
The three dark figures floated across the room to an empty table and sat down. They turned and inclined their faceless hoods in the direction of Tara and Legolas.
"With a fox? In socks?" Legolas pronounced each word with great feeling, "In a house? With a mouse?"
"Good," Tara praised him loudly and patted him on the back. The three hoods turned away.
Having done homework in record time, Bill and the two other human students signed out and left.
Immediately swords were drawn and a fight broke out between Legolas, Boromir, and the three Ringwraiths.
"Aragorn, your help!" cried Legolas, "Aragorn son of Arathorn!"
Ringwraith 1 threw Legolas upon the table where Adela and her prince sat and began choking the life out of him, Aragorn didn't stir from Adela's eyes.
Panicked, Tara smacked the Ringwraith with the only thing she had at hand -- the Dr. Seuss book. Seeing this wasn't enough, she seized her backpack, packed tightly with 90 pounds of physiology textbook and notes, and brought it crashing down on what should have been the thing's head.
"Yeah for me!" she cheered as the slimy black cloak collapsed to the ground. As it did so, the robe flew up in front of Adela, breaking her eye contact.
"Legolas!" Aragorn cried when his attention was freed. "My friend!"
He leapt up, accidentally knocking Legolas to the floor.
"Is he dead?" Adela asked, pushing the limp body with the toe of her shoe.
At once Tara fell to her knees and cried out, "Wait, wait--I know what to do!!" and grabbing Legolas, began performing mouth to mouth on him. After a moment or two he revived - as was evident by the deep breath he took - but she continued to cover his mouth with her own until Aragorn drug her off of him.
Meanwhile, for all his other faults, Boromir proved himself to be an excellent fighter. He boldly wielded two swords at once, dashing between two masses of flapping capes and calling out occasionally, "Watch me kick butt!" When he saw Legolas and Aragorn standing nearby he called, "A little help here guys--."
At that moment, the Ringwraith 1 rose up and joined Ringwraith 2 and Ringwraith 3. Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir readied their weapons. They faced off, three against three. The girls stood together in a tight knot and waited apprehensively.
A sudden crash of thunder announced the arrival of Cathy. She entered the room like a fury with braided hair flying in all directions. Her eyes were pits of blue flame as she wielded a deadly looking staff in the direction of the Ringwraiths, "Mousi Mousi WHEEEEEEE!" she shouted. With a squeak they shrank into little black mice and scampered off to the corners of the room.
"That should take care of them for awhile," Cathy said with some evident satisfaction, she had resumed her former mild-manner appearance, and added with a wink, "Let's close up shop and get these girls home so they can get ready for the dance."
It was discovered immediately after that pronouncement by Cathy the Wise - for that was her name among the inhabitants of Middle-Earth, though noticeably she wasn't known for that elsewhere - that none of the girls had anything to wear to the Spring Fling and the guys were in a similar situation, although Legolas was able to produce a rather nice silver filigree shirt it was pronounced "too 60s" by all gathered.
So it came to pass that Cathy conjured up a mini-van (seating for ten) and dropped them off at the mall, presenting each with a Most Magic Credit Card (with very low rates, she assured them) and instructing them to meet her at the entrance in three hours.
"Let's split up," Tara suggested, "and meet at the food court in two hours."
Everyone agreed this was a good idea except Muskan who complained about babysitting Boromir, but Adela and Aragorn had already wandered off in the direction of Sears and Legolas was steering Tara into the Prom Shop.
"Okay," Muskan turned and Boromir gave her a smile which she returned with an exasperated look. "First thing - the hair."
"My hair?" he echoed, but she grabbed his sleeve and began dragging him towards Kountry Kutters. A blazing orange sign declared "No Appointment Necessary!"
For some it was a long two hours.
Tara found herself sitting on the floor watching Legolas make another turn in front of the mirror. Within the first five minutes after entering the Prom Shop, Legolas used his Elven senses to located the perfect dress for her, a floor length silk gown with long flowing lace sleeves, a modest neckline, and fabulous hand beading, "Wow, it's even in my size!" she remarked.
"Of course," he smiled, but it was obvious he was distracted by the array of tux available to him. "There are so many to choose from!" he murmured in his sexy voice.
Tara looked forward to seeing Legolas in a tux (who wouldn't?) and when he emerged from the men's dressing room the sight of him took her breath away. He was definitely hot in a tux! He paused before a three-way mirror and turned slowly to absorb the full effect before saying, "I think these pants are too baggy." He disappeared into the dressing room.
The thrill dulled for Tara after the tenth or twelfth change.
"I don't know," he once more considering himself in the three-way mirror, "These lapels seem too narrow for my face-what do you think?"
"Looks great," she sighed, "Can we get it an go? We're going to be late meeting the others."
"What about the cummerbund? Did the lighter green look better?" Legolas picked up two more cummerbunds and compared them, then spotted a jacket he'd tried on earlier, "Maybe if I wore that jacket with these pants-"
Tara stood up and announced, "I'm going now."
Legolas continued to mumble indistinctly about the importance of good coloring. Tara headed for the food court - ready for a Venti anything.
She was met by the strange sight of Muskan and Boromir, laughing and sharing an extra large drink from Burger King. At least that's Muskan, she thought, but is that Boromir?
Indeed it was, a shaven and very clean Boromir wearing Levi button-down fly 501s and a t-shirt that showed off every ripple of muscular movement. From physiology, Tara knew the names of most of those muscles but had never been treated to the sight of them before.
Muskan caught sight of her and gleefully waved her to join them, "Isn't it great," she beamed at Boromir, "We went to The Leather Shop and bought tons of stuff!"
"That's great," Tara looked askance at the pile of packages of leather merchandise. "Good thing we have the mini-van."
"And I have had three-no, FOUR of these delightful meals of the King," Boromir held up his paper littered tray. "I still have some of the wondrous potatoes, would you like some?" Tara thanked him and took a few. "Are they not marvelous?" he asked. "They are best when dipped into this red sauce -"
"Uh-huh," she said, thinking he was nuts.
Adela and Aragorn sat at a nearby table deeply engaged in staring, Tara tapped Adela and the shoulder to get her attention, "What did you buy?"
"Buy?" came the girl's vague response.
"Did you get a dress?" Tara looked around for packages.
"Dress?" Adela said lamely. "Oh yeah. We looked but we couldn't find anything."
Tara grabbed a nearby empty tray and held it between the girl and her infatuation, once the contact was broken Aragorn turned to Boromir and asked, "What are those things you are eating?"
"What!" Adela snapped, seeing Tara's angry look.
"You were supposed to be shopping for a dress," she reminded the other.
"Okay, okay - I'll take him to the Prom Shop -" Adela made move to seize Aragorn who was working his way through Boromir's left over fries.
"Oh no you don't!" Tara grabbed her and turned her around, "I plan to keep you two separate until we're done. Let's go."
The two of them walked off in the direction of the Prom Shop, Adela was heard to say, "Where's Legolas?" and Tara snapped, "Never mind!"
As it turned out, Legolas had narrowed his choice down to six suits with three cummerbunds in various shades of green and matching socks. Tara recommend that he take them all and sort it out later, "We've got to find Adela a dress fast!" she added.
Legolas took a moment to size Adela up before reaching into the racks and producing a beautiful street length, off the shoulder blue satin sheath that buttoned up the side, "Wow, it's even in my size!" Adela exclaimed.
"Of course," Legolas said.
"What about Aragorn?" Adela asked as they were paying out.
"I know his size," Legolas said casually, "I buy all his clothes." He directed the sales person to add another tux to the pile.
Both girls looked at him with blank faces and then turned to look at each other.
"Your date," Adela said meaningfully, "is gay."
"Is not!"
"Is too."
Tara screamed in frustration.
"What's wrong?" Muskan asked as she entered the store.
"Tara's mad because her date is gay," Adela explained.
"No he's not!" Tara shouted.
"If Legolas is gay," Muskan ventured, pointing to Aragorn "is he gay too?"
At that moment Aragorn joined Legolas at the counter and the two friends picked out cufflinks together. Adela went pale.
"They are not gay," Adela pronounced.
"No, definitely not gay," Tara concurred.
Muskan raised her eyebrows, "Okay. Welcome to DeNile!"
"This is not going like I thought it would," Tara mumbled later as she and Adela dragged packages toward the mall entrance.
"Maybe they're bi," Muskan suggested as she slipped her drink, Boromir was carrying all of her packages, "Bi is not gay."
"SHUT UP!" Tara and Adela shouted in unison.
--------
All speculation on Legolas' gender preference aside, Tara, Adela, and Muskan had the usual amount of girlish fun getting ready for the Spring Fling - putting on make-up, trying out new up-dos, and speculating about who from their classes they might see at the dance.
"What do you think?" Muskan emerged from the bathroom to model a red leather dress with an amazing amount of metal studs holding it together. To compliment the dress she had on a pair of lace-up red boots with dagger sharp heels.
"Whoa!" Tara said.
"Pretty cool, huh?" Muskan turned around. "It comes with these little knives sewn into the hemline -"
"It's like something from the Matrix," Adela admitted. Muskan smiled and donned a pair of dark sunglasses.
The guys were due to pick them up at 7:30 to take them to dinner and partly because they were anxious and partly because Adela was afraid her parents would start asking Aragorn questions, all three girls were ready and waiting when a sleek baby blue limo pulled up.
Tara and Adela laughed nervously when Aragorn and Legolas stepped out wearing matching tux and extending identical bouquets of flowers, but their attention was drawn away when Muskan squealed at Boromir who emerged clutching an enormous corsage.
It was an outrageous collection of blue, white, and yellow carnations and daisies roughly 2 feet in diameter with a bevy of similarly colored ribbons that reached to the ground. Shiny letters winked out words.
"Does that say 'Be My Love Kitten'?" Tara whispered to Adela, but Adela wasn't listening. Her attention had been recaptured by Aragorn who had advanced with his bouquet of yellow roses and was presenting them in an obvious, romantic way.
Tara was about to become very jealous, but suddenly Legolas was at her side offering her a simple wrist corsage of yellow roses and telling her how lovely she looked, "There is none so fair, nor so good, or kind as you, milady."
Tara blushed and let him slide the corsage on her wrist. Looking into his blue, blue eyes, she forgot all about her former suspicions. "Oh, Legolas!" she sighed.
He bowed low and then straightened up and slapped Aragorn on the back saying, "Let's go, I'm starved."
They went to Burger King. This decision was made by Boromir who protested that he was paying for the limo and they had to go where he wanted. "You don't mind, do you?" he asked Muskan and she was so happy with everything that she just grinned back at him. "I do so love the meals of the King!"
Thankfully Burger King was nearly empty so Tara and Adela did not have to suffer too much when Legolas and Aragorn started cutting up, throwing fries at each other, and playing around with the free paper crowns they give you if you ask. The two guys giggled together like girls.
Tara's doubts returned.
Boromir ate six more Value Meals, got sick, and threw up in the limo on the way to the Spring Fling. Like Muskan, he was wearing a Matrix-like leather outfit.
Muskan turned her head away in revulsion, "I told you this was going to happen!" she handed him one of the mini-bar towels to clean himself up.
"I guess it's a good thing that leather is puke and wear," Adela observed. The smell was overwhelming and Legolas rolled down one of the windows.
"He's always getting sick," Legolas muttered in disgust. "Big baby!"
Boromir whined that no one really appreciated him and that he was very tempted to go off and become an international villain, steal a nuclear weapon, and try to destroy the world. Aragorn tried to pat Boromir on the back reassuringly, but a chilly look from Legolas stopped him. He decided to punch him in the shoulder instead.
"Cheer up buddy," Aragorn said loudly, punching Boromir again, "one day we'll see the White Towers together -"
"Like hell," Boromir scooted away from Aragorn, "I like girls."
There was an embarrassed silence in the limo. Then Adela laughed nervously. Legolas glared at Aragorn. Aragorn blushed. Tara tried to disappear into the upholstery. Boromir attempted to sit closer to Muskan who pushed him back, "Yuk, no! You smell like strawberry shakes."
At last, they arrived at the Spring Fling. Inside the pulsing beat indicated the dance was already underway at full volume.
"What evil is this?" Aragorn demanded as he covered his ears.
"I think its Brittany Spears," Muskan answered.
"Are we going to dance?" Tara asked. Legolas looked around the heaving dance floor full of pimply teenage angst and frowned. In a snooty elf-way he said," Exactly what kind of dancing is this supposed to be?"
"I think I need a drink," Boromir took off for the punch bowl.
"It's a dance," Tara said with exasperation, "You're supposed to dance!"
Suddenly the song changed and a heavy drumbeat was heard. Legolas perked up and began wildly dancing, singing along with Right Said Fred at the top of his voice:
"I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts And I'm too sexy for Mirkwood too sexy for Mirkwood 'Cause I'm so (bleep)ing good. I'm too sexy for my bow too sexy for my bow Too sexy yes I know I'm an Elf you know what I mean And I do my little turn in Rivendale Yeah in Rivendale -- in Rivendale -- yeah I shake my little tush in Rivendale."
Tara didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Then he did a few disco spins and pelvic thrusts towards the speakers and she decided to cry.
Adela turned to Aragorn, "It's okay, you don't have to dance. Let's get some punch instead." But Aragorn seemed mesmerized by the sight of an Elf in full disco mode. Others were staring too.
Suddenly, Cathy appeared, scattering people left and right with a flick of her braid, "Razor sharp," she explained. "Well girls, how's it going so far?"
Tara began sobbing loudly and pointing at Legolas.
"Oh look, there's Principal Andolf!" Muskan said, waving to an older gentlemen dressed in gray, "He's wearing his bathrobe."
Indeed, the gentleman in question was wearing what appeared to be, a long gray terry cloth robe. He was contentedly puffing on a long pipe.
"GANDALF!" Cathy cried out, obviously startled. "What are you doing here?"
Gandalf puffed on his pipe a moment before answering, "I'm getting some practice before I open my school for mutant children." He smiled. "The real question, my dear, is what are you doing here with MY heroes?"
Calmly, Cathy folded her arms across her chest and arched one eye brow, "Heroes? What heroes?"
Gandalf used his pipe stem to indicate the gyrating Legolas, stunned Aragorn, and punch swilling Boromir.
"Oh them," Cathy shrugged. "They were in need of a little R&R so I brought them here and got them dates. Girls, say hi to Gandalf the Gray."
The girls looked at each other in confusion. Adela spoke up, "You aren't Mr. Andolf, our principal?"
"Yes, but I'm also a very powerful wizard from Middle Earth and this lady - and I do hesitate to call her that - has stolen my heroes just as we were getting to the good parts of the story," Gandalf said.
"Right," Adela said, her face blank. "So you're here to take them back?"
"Take them back! Take them back!" Tara shouted tearfully pointing to the weirdly dancing Elf. "PLEASE take HIM back."
"There, there my dear girl," Gandalf patted her shoulder kindly, "Don't take it so hard. He's not really gay -- all elves are a bit queer like that --he's really very nice."
This wasn't much comfort for Tara who pulled off her corsage and ripped it apart with her teeth.
"I think I'll just take these fellows and go," from out of his voluminous robes Gandalf drew forth a staff topped with a burning red fire.
"Whoa! How'd he do that?" Muskan demanded.
"Look here, nobody's going anywhere," Cathy stomped her feet. "Until I say so." Quickly, Cathy whipped back her sleeves, icy beams shot out and doused Gandalf's flames. He gave a roar of frustration.
"Knickers too tight Gandy?" Cathy asked archly.
"I'm no side street conjurer to be trifled with you sl-" seeing some nearby parents he thought better of his word choice, "salubrious woman!"
"Salubrious!" Cathy narrowed her eyes, "Where'd that come from?"
"Never mind," Gandalf shook his staff and the flame came back, only it was pitifully weak, "Look what you've done!"
Cathy tossed her head, throwing braids in all directions, scattering the nearby crowd. Gandalf shook his fist at her," Just get on with the part where you explain why you've done this villainous act!"
"You think you're so hot," Cathy tossed her head again, this time one of the braid came close to taking Aragorn's eye out. "You and the other Maiar. It was the Three Amigos - you, Saruman, and Sauron - and what was I? Always having to tag along. Never getting any attention. It was 'Cathy make tea,' 'Cathy clean up Isengard while we're out.' Even after Sauron and Saruman started taking over Middle Earth, you never even called me. Never even asked for my help!"
"Help!" the old wizard harrumphed. "You've hardly spoken two words to me since Elrond -"
"Whoa! Let's not go there," Cathy held up her hand, "If there was dumping involved, then I think I've made it clear that I dumped him."
"Right," Gandalf rolled his eyes, "That explains why you've gained all that weight."
"What!" Cathy shouted and smacked Gandalf's nose. "What WEIGHT!"
With a furious roar, Gandalf waved his wand above his head and threw out a few errant blasts. This had the effect of clearing the dance floor.
"Cat fight!" Boromir shouted and ducked under a table, dragging Muskan with him.
"Do something!" Adela screamed to Aragorn.
"I make it a practice to never meddle in the affairs of wizards," Aragorn answered, pulling her towards another table to take cover.
"Me too!" Legolas dove under the table to join them.
"Not here!" Aragorn was heard to exclaim. Adela cried, "Yuk! Stop that!"
Tara just cried.
Gandalf and Cathy faced off and prepared to do battle.
Suddenly a student standing on the sideline morphed into a man wearing a black suit and Italian sunglasses.
"Elrond!" Cathy exclaimed, once more clearly shocked at this turn of events.
"Smith," he corrected her, cocking his head and drawing his words out. "I-- am --Agent --Smith."
"What are you doing here?" she demanded. "And can you talk any slower?"
Slowly, Smith/Elrond disconnected the hands free mic from his ear and dropped it on the floor, then he drew off his glasses, walking towards her all the time he spoke, "You see -- in - this-world-I'm - not-Lord-of - Rivendale - I'm LORD OF THE DANCE!"
Music began blasting from the speakers and Smith/Elrond grabbed Cathy and began a modified tango.
"I've missed you," he shouted over the ear popping music, "Let's get back together."
So it was a happy ending for everyone. Well, almost:
Muskan refused to dance with Boromir, so he drank a lot of punch and got sick again. In the meantime, a boy who'd been nursing a crush for Muskan all year got brave and asked her to dance. It wasn't great, but then again she was only a freshman.
Adela and Aragorn had a good time, but Aragorn finally admitted he was seriously dating some one else back in Middle Earth which caused Adela to dump what was left of the punch on his head. Adela vowed to never trust a man who let other men buy him clothes.
After he assured her he wasn't gay, Tara and Legolas finally agreed to be JUST friends. He then confessed that he planned to run off and become a pirate as soon as possible. Tara was a little worried about him being on a ship full of burly men.
What more can be said?
All happy endings are happy in the same way, only with unhappy endings do you have something to feel smug about.
---Fin---