If don't know this is based on The Second City Network's Sassy Gay Friend. No offense to the fans but this had to be done, Bella needed a sassy gay friend. Oh yeah, I don't own anything if I did I'd be loaded and would not be spending my time doing this.
This is Bella Swan, she has been moping for months because her boyfriend left her and will soon become a daredevil so she can be able to hear him in her head. This all could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend...
Bella laid there sobbing in the fetal position, she was in too much misery to hear someone walking up the stairs. Suddenly her door flung open. Bella ignored as she whimpered softly thinking it was her father. She soon felt herself being forced into an upright position and then shook by a strange man wearing a long sleeved shirt, jeans, and a scarf.
"What are you doing? What? What? What are you doing?"
"Who-who are you," she asked softly.
"I'm your sassy gay friend you stupid bitch," he replied as techno music began playing out of nowhere.
"Now where were we," he asked, "Oh right, what are you doing?"
"Edward left me," she began before crumpling to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably again.
He sighed, she was going to be more work than he had though.
" Edward was the love of my life," She gasped out.
"So we lie here for months? MONTHS?," he cried, "Girl, you are a step away from slitting your wrists and do you know how hard it is to wear cute tanks with those marks? Ask Demi Lovoto how hard it is."
"You don't understand," she sobbed "he was perfect, we were meant for each other!"
"Alright first of all," he began "He was torn between sucking out your blood and loving you. Secondly he stalked you in the middle of the night and stop with the poor me rant, you're acting like you're the first person to ever get heart broken. The boy was a vampire who sparkled! I'm gay and I wouldn't even come up with that! Also he's how many years older than you?"
"Just a couple decades," she replied softly.
He rolled his eyes, this was going to be another Lolita intervention.
"Ok enough of this," He said as she began to go into fetal position, "You are gonna write a sad blog about him on tumblr where you cuss him out, listen to some angry break up songs, and move on. Join a club at school, go and hang out with your friends in school and Jacob and his friends, being around hot guys always make me better."
Bella's jaw dropped before slapping him playfully on the chest.
"Come on you stupid bitch," he said pulling her onto her feet, "We're going to the mall to get some ice cream and scope out hot guys"