Title: Ultimate Pain
Fandom: Tekken
Pairing : None, because Kazuya and Lee are like twelve years old here.
Disclaimer: I do not own Tekken or any of its characters. I am not making any profit from this.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst
Author's note: This is a childhood fic for Kazuya and Lee. It belongs to the same universe as the rest of my Tekken fics, but it can stand alone.
Ultimate Pain
Kazuya froze.
The door was open a crack and a ray of sunlight spilled into the hall. He had not left it like that and he just knew than Lee was inside.
A wave of panic washed over him.
He should have known better than to leave his room unlocked. He should have expected the little traitor to snoop. He shouldn't have left things he didn't want him to see out in the open and he was an idiot for not putting them away when he'd gone down. Lee had no concept of privacy and he should have guessed that he would turn up the moment his back was turned … but he'd had no reason to hope that his brother would be come.
They'd been ignoring each other for weeks, ever since that fight which had gotten them both grounded, even though it had been entirely Kazuya's fault. They fought viciously and often, but they'd never gone quite this long without making up— if for no other reason, then so that they could fight again— only this time, Lee hadn't made the first step towards reconciliation like he usually did and Kazuya couldn't bring himself to try, because the possibility of reaching out and being rejected was more than he could bear.
He'd lost his temper over something petty and stupid and smashed one of Lee's precious science projects, which he had subsequently failed. Heihachi hadn't been happy and the repercussions were dire for them both, but the worst of it was that Lee was no longer speaking to him. He didn't laugh with him, play with him, nor follow him around like he used to. He no longer sought out his company anywhere— in the house, at school, or the gym. When they passed each other in the hallways, he barely acknowledged his presence and the distance between them hurt. Without him, suddenly everything was like it had been in the long, dark years of his solitude—miserable days, each one exactly like the one before it, all blending together in an endless train of loneliness, resentment and pain.
Sometimes— when he lay in the dark and the silence surrounded him so completely, he wanted to scream out aloud before he drowned in it— he was plagued by doubts and regrets. He would get up in the middle of the night and in his despair, he would almost make it as far as his brother's door with the intention of knocking and saying, "I'm sorry". He knew that he'd crossed a line— Lee was insufferable when it came to work and he had destroyed something that amounted to several weeks of considerable effort— but he never followed through and always went back to his own room, his own bed, and, surrounded by his darkness, continued to stew in the venomous fumes that were slowly consuming him from within. He'd had his reasons for acting the way he did and they gnawed at him in the midst of his solitude. He was justified— he knew that he was— but it was a slim comfort because he could hardly admit them to himself, let alone explain it to someone else.
Lee had wronged him first.
He had run off with his shiny, popular new friends and all their money, time and freedom to do whatever they pleased.
He had abandoned him after he'd promised that they would spend that day together—the only day they had without school or training. They were supposed to build the secret hideout they'd been planning for weeks, go swimming in the cool, sheltered grove and climb that old walnut tree behind the Mishima estate. There were so many things that they were supposed to do together and they had done none of them, because Lee had chosen others over him!
Kazuya ground his teeth. His very breath grew hard and constricted as the dark, fetid coil of hatred and humiliation curled in his belly. Lee hadn't cared—or worse yet, he hadn't cared enough— and that was unbearable. Weeks later, his mind still blanked with the need for violence when he remembered, and filled with sudden anger, he frowned and steeled himself, shaking the unwanted emotions like water, until all that was left was the hard, incandescent core within him that threatened to explode. He barged into the room and slammed the door against the wall. A bright abundance of sunlight hit him in the face and instinctively, he raised his arm to protect his eyes.
There was too much light.
The curtain was thrown back and the lazy afternoon streamed inside, bathing the culprit for this unnatural state in warm gold. Lee lay on the bed, comfortably sprawled backwards, with his head hanging over the edge. Startled by the noise, he looked up at him from upside-down.
Beautiful. He was so always so beautiful that it sometimes hurt to look at him.
He was holding the old photograph that had been so carelessly left there for him to find and furious with himself as much as with him, Kazuya bared his teeth, nearly growling like an animal.
"Give me that!" he snatched the picture from his hands and pushed him away.
"Ouch!" Lee complained, surprised by the hostility. "What's your problem?"
"You had no right to touch it!" Kazuya yelled, clutching the photograph to his chest. "Do you hear me? You had no right!"
"Hey, there is no need to go crazy!" Lee said defensively. "I was just looking! It's not like I was going to do anything to it!"
"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want you sticking your nose into my business?"
"I wasn't..."
"How many times do I have to tell you that I do not want you in my room when I am not there?"
"But I..."
"I don't want you touching my things! They are mine! Do you understand me? Mine!" His nostrils flared as he willed his brother to say something, anything that would give him fuel to vent and smash in his pretty, pretty face. It was his due, after everything he had put him through!
Lee blinked at him, his eyes confounded and large, and suddenly, Kazuya felt like a fool for losing it. Again. He realised that he was out of breath and that his lungs were beginning to hurt. He forced himself to breathe and flopped down on to the edge of the bed, turning his back to Lee. He crushed the picture to his chest as if trying to shield it from inquisitive eyes.
"Is that your mother?" Lee asked and Kazuya spun around, bristling with hostility.
"Yes," he glared, expecting... not quite sure what he was expecting, but he was certain that it could be nothing good. His entire body was coiled and tense—ready to react at the first hint of provocation. He silently dared Lee to make fun of his weakness and laugh at the fact that he cherished the only picture he had of her. Or worse, to pity him for it, like people sometimes did and still turned their heads, because they were unable to meet the darkness of his gaze. He hated them. He hated them all!
But Lee didn't look away and there was no sign of mocking in his eyes— only a deep, yet distant sadness. And something that almost resembled... understanding?
Of course. It made sense. Kazuya had got so used to having him around, he often forgot that Lee was not born into this hellish house— or, better yet, he chose to forget, because the idea of Lee having a life so completely separate from his own was… something that he did not care to think about.
Ever.
But it stood to reason that once, he must have had a mother. And a father. And other people in his life that had— so very fortunately— got lost along the way, leaving him completely alone.
Kazuya's anger deflated and he relaxed a little, feeling empty and spent as the accumulated hostility drained and left him at the mercy of growing confusion. He had always imagined that terrible things would happen if anyone ever discovered his secret because he felt so guilty for hoarding it— coming back to it over and over again whenever he was feeling sad, even though he knew that doing so was pitiful. It was weak. The dark voice within him whispered that it was and mocked the deep, painful yearning he felt when he looked at the face of his dead mother. It was an ailment, a poison, a liability, but he couldn't help himself.
"She was really pretty," Lee broke the tense silence and Kazuya's brow furrowed. He pulled the photograph away from his chest and looked at it intently as if he was seeing it for the first time. His head hurt from the effort to focus through the strange mist clouding his eyes. Those weren't... tears, were they?
"You think so?" he said doubtfully, surprised by the unfamiliar thickness in his voice. He had always thought that she was pretty, but couldn't be sure what someone else— someone normal— would think. He disliked women with blind, undiscriminating passion—they were soft, small and weak— more like prey than an object of affection, so he wasn't much of a judge of what passed as beautiful among them.
"She looks kind," Lee said. "No wonder Father loved her."
Yes, Heihachi had loved her. Yet another reason for Kazuya to hate her— as if he didn't have enough of them already— but he just couldn't bring himself to do so. There was something about her eyes that soothed him; something that he liked to look at and imagine it looking back at him. Kind—yes, that was right word. It hadn't occurred to him because it had never been a part of his vocabulary, but coming from his brother's mouth, the description seemed to fit.
"Yes, she was... kind," he said with great difficulty. "Or so I've been told."
He blinked furiously, smoothing at the fresh crease over the serene, perfectly oval face and smothering the dismay at the damage he had done in his madness. With worn, fraying edges, the photograph wasn't in the best shape to begin with, even though it had been in pristine condition when he'd first taken it. He strove to be careful, but it was too delicate for his big, clumsy hands that were utterly estranged from gentleness. Lee shifted and the mattress sank under his weight. He drew close to look at her too.
"I have no pictures of my mother," he said sadly. "Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I cannot call back her face. And sometimes when I do, I wonder if that was what she really looked like, or if what I see is just a figment of my imagination. You're lucky to have it."
Kazuya stared at him. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Lee may as well have been talking to him in a foreign language and he wouldn't have been any less capable of replying to him. He didn't know how to carry on a conversation like this. What was he supposed to say to that? What did anyone say to it?
Lee turned to look at him again and his eyes narrowed in speculation. "Why do you keep her hidden?"
"I..." Kazuya tried, but words escaped him. They were hard to come by even at the best of days, but now it seemed impossible to form a sentence.
"Because I..." How could he explain something that he didn't understand himself? Lee was waiting for an answer and he felt the pressure building in his head. The demon inside him sneered.
"Because it isn't mine!" he finally blurted out.
Lee blinked. "What do you mean it isn't...?"
"I stole it! Okay? I stole her picture from Heihachi."
"You stole it? But… why would you do something like that?"
"Because I wanted it!" Kazuya roared, getting angry all over again. "I wanted it, so I took it!"
"But, Kaz... why didn't you simply ask him to give it to you?" Lee asked, uncomprehending. "I am sure that..."
"He wouldn't have given it to me," Kazuya glowered, abruptly lowering his voice and Lee flinched as the concentrated darkness around him grew more intense. "He would sooner have burned them all than given one to me!"
"Kazuya! How can you think that?"
"Because he told me so himself! I asked him... many years ago, I asked him once to show me a picture of my mother and he said... he said..." He looked away and clenched his eyes shut. He wouldn't cry, damn it! He would never cry! Never again! Never because of him! He would grow up and be strong, and some day, when he became strong enough, he would—
"Kazuya," Lee said gently, calling him back from the raging thoughts of violence. He stroked his bent back with the palm of his hand and Kazuya went very still under the touch. He almost didn't dare to breathe, afraid that he would frighten away the rare caress if he so much as moved. His stomach did strange flips when Lee touched him like that. It was affection instead of violence and it felt excruciatingly good. He never wanted it to stop. Please, please, please, don't stop! Don't ever stop! Let's stay like this forever and ever, just you and I, and let's forget that...
"Kazuya, what did he say?"
"He said..." Kazuya began and the reluctant words were barely a whisper. "He said that it was my fault. That she died. He said that I killed her."
"He didn't!" Lee's eyes went wide. "Why would he say something like that?"
"Because it is true! I killed her! He has every right to hate me."
"But how could you...?"
"She died in childbirth, okay?" Kazuya pulled away. He was angry again and the raw, gaping emptiness in his chest burned. It was anger— it had to be, because it was so violent and big. What else could it possibly be? But if it was anger, then why was there so much pain? Why was there no release? Anger was an outlet, not a source. "She died giving birth to me."
"Kazuya..." Lee's voice was patient in all the ways that infuriated him, but he was too mixed up about everything to respond with a proper dose of hostility and too afraid that if he snapped again, his brother would leave and that this time, it would be for good. Without Lee, he would be alone and he did not want to be alone any more. "Kazuya, that still doesn't make it your fault!"
"The doctors..." he said softly, the words coming to him with great difficulty. He had never spoken about this before, not to anyone, but suddenly, he had the need to share before it exploded inside of him. "The doctors said that she would... It was a difficult pregnancy. They told her the odds were that she wouldn't be able to carry it to term. They told her that attempting to do so would put her life in serious danger."
"So... she knew that it could happen?" Lee asked. "That she could die?"
Kazuya nodded. "Heihachi wanted her to terminate the... To terminate me. But she wouldn't do it. She told him... She swore that if he made her do it, she would never forgive him and he... he relented. Which is something he's regretted ever since."
"How the hell do you know all this?"
"Because he told me."
"Kazuya..."
"Also, I broke into the hospital archives and stole her medical records."
Lee blinked. "You... what?"
"It's all true," Kazuya said. "It was my fault. I did kill her."
"Kazuya, that is nonsense."
"Nonsense? It isn't nonse..." Kazuya bristled, but Lee didn't let him finish.
"Your mother knew the risk she was taking. Her death was tragic, but certainly not your fault! She loved you so much, she died so that you could live! You should take comfort in it and be grateful, because that's what mothers do! They love their children and make sacrifices for them!"
Kazuya closed his eyes, deeply troubled and distressed.
"That's what I am afraid of," he said.
Lee frowned. "Afraid of what?"
"Afraid that... No. No, I will not say it." He couldn't, because saying the words out aloud would somehow confirm his fears and make them more real.
"Kazuya," Lee's firm, patient voice would not be denied. "Afraid of what?"
"That this was why she died," he forced out the barely audible whisper. He stole a glance at his brother, who was still looking at him expectantly. "So that there would be nobody to love me. Because mothers love their children and I don't deserve to be loved. That's why she had to die."
Lee stared. "Kazuya, you cannot seriously think that!"
"Why not? It makes sense!"
"Everybody deserves to be loved!"
Kazuya shrugged. "I don't."
"You're being ridiculous!" Lee dismissed his words with a wave of his slender hand. "Besides, it isn't true."
Scooting over the bed, he put his arms around him and Kazuya tensed all over in the sudden embrace.
"What... what isn't true?" Kazuya asked, his thoughts running around in circles. He was flustered by the sudden physical contact, because Lee was warm and he smelled so good. The proximity did strange things to him and suddenly, he was very hot.
"It isn't true that nobody loves you," Lee leaned down and kissed his cheek. "I love you. Don't I count as somebody?"
"I... I..." Kazuya flushed bright red, his mind going blank like it always did when Lee did things like that. He forced himself to look away before he made a fool of himself, but he couldn't resist the temptation for long and promptly, he turned towards Lee again, searching his face for a lie. "You do?"
"Well..." Lee squinted, pretending to think about it. "Sometimes. When you aren't acting like a total jerk. Which, now that I think about it, happens very rarely indeed."
Kazuya scowled, but Lee was still smiling and made no move to pull away, so true anger was hard to come by. Teasing. He was teasing and Kazuya kicked himself inwardly for letting it get under his skin.
"What are you doing here, anyway?" he said gruffly. "I thought that you weren't talking to me."
"Hn." Lee's good mood suddenly vanished. Carefully, he untangled himself from the embrace and backed away. "Actually, I... I came to apologise."
Kazuya blinked, not quite sure if he had heard that right. He couldn't have possibly heard that right. "You came to apologise? To me?"
"Yes."
"What the hell for?" He was the one who had smashed that damn robot— he was the one who should be apologising! What did Lee have to apologise for... unless he had done something that Kazuya hadn't found out about yet? Suddenly, he didn't want to hear the answer.
"You know," Lee said, looking him straight in the eye. Kazuya stared, still not comprehending. What did he mean...? But then it finally dawned on him and the familiar grievance he'd briefly managed to forget resurfaced like a tide.
"Oh."
Unable to help it, he hunched over and closed up visibly, hating the fact that he was so obvious. At least Lee had the decency to look genuinely contrite.
"I shouldn't have gone with them that day," Lee said. "I'm sorry."
"Like I care what you do!" Kazuya grumbled, embarrassed by how transparent the lie was. The brief, half smile on Lee's face told him just how easily he read through his act.
"Even so," Lee went on, letting him get away with the claim with no contest and Kazuya was deeply grateful for it, because he was totally out of his depth. "I should not have done it. I knew it was wrong the moment I stepped out of the door, but I'd hoped... I'd thought... No, that's a lie. I'd known that you were waiting for me. I'd known what I was doing. But I still walked out."
"Then why did you?" Kazuya asked in a whisper, dreading the answer. I didn't care. I don't care. I don't want you. I don't need you. Everyone is better company than you. He shuddered and clenched his fists, fighting the urge to get up and run for the door.
"I... I don't know," Lee shrugged. "I just wanted it so badly."
"Wanted what?" Kazuya asked.
"To go with them," Lee said. "To be a part of their group. To see what it was like."
"Why?"
Lee shrugged.
"They wanted me and it was… intoxicating," he explained. "It's overwhelming. Being liked, I mean. It's like a drug. It makes you feel so powerful."
"You know, it's your money they like, not you!" Kazuya said bitterly, but they both knew it wasn't true. Everyone wanted to be near him and Kazuya was no exception. He looked over sullenly, resenting the draw his brother had over people, and even more so, the fact that he was becoming aware of it.
Lee sat very still, looking troubled and downcast. He said nothing and the silence weighed over them. Kazuya knew that it was his turn and that he had to make the next step if he wanted this reconciliation. Lee had come, he had extended his hand and now it was up to him to take it. He was angry enough to have second thoughts about it; he wanted to stew in his righteous indignation some more, but if he let Lee go, he couldn't even imagine what it would take to get him back again. They were drifting apart already and the distance was terrible. He nudged him with a playful punch to his shoulder, partly to get his attention and partly to reaffirm the intimacy.
"So... did you at least enjoy yourself?" he asked, nearly managing to sound amicable.
Lee looked up in surprise and smiled awkwardly.
"Ah... no. It was one of the worst afternoons of my life."
"What? Why?" Kazuya had wished it for him—the worst afternoon of his life—but then something occurred to him and shattered all his vindictive glee. "They didn't do anything to you, did they?"
'No, Kaz, they..."
"Do you want me to kick their butts for you?" The anger was back. It never lay low for long, but this time, it was directed properly.
Lee rolled his eyes. "Thank you, but no. I don't need help in kicking butt!"
Damn. It was true.
"I'm just saying I could," Kazuya grumbled querulously. It was just his luck that Lee was that good. Almost as good as him. He'd seen him take on trained, grown men in fights and bring them down. "Because, if they so much as looked at you wrong, I will end them!"
People messing with Lee – people other than him—definitely topped the extremely long list of things he wasn't willing to tolerate. Lee laughed and put his arm around his shoulders again and this time, Kazuya did not recoil. He almost managed a smile himself, because Lee's good moods were infectious.
"They didn't do anything, I swear. They were good to me. Friendly. Eager to please."
"Then how come you had such a lousy time?"
Lee sighed and looked at him speculatively. "If I tell you, do you promise you won't go on and on about it?"
Kazuya's eyes narrowed. "Do I have to beat it out of you?"
Lee smirked and drew close, resting his chin on his brother's shoulder and the soft tickle of his breath sent a thrill down Kazuya's spine.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you," he said.
"Yeah?" Kazuya grinned, suddenly in a far better mood than he'd been in for longer than he cared to remember. "Well, it serves you right! You shouldn't have gone with them in the first place!"
"True," Lee's eyes gleamed and his voice took on a note of false pleasantness. "But since you effectively managed to get us grounded forever, we'll have plenty of quality time to make up for one lost afternoon!"
Kazuya glared, but it had no power because he didn't mean it anymore. "Sorry about your robot," he said grumpily, not quite succeeding to form a gracious apology.
"Don't worry about it," Lee smiled. "No real harm was done."
"It will bring down your grades," Kazuya said, perplexed by an unfamiliar feeling of guilt. Not that he cared about spoiling his brother's perfect marks, but still, there was the issue of... "Heihachi will never let it go."
"I worked it out with Nagano-san," Lee said. "I will turn the project in next week."
"That's not fair!" Kazuya cried. "He never lets me turn in anything late!"
"That's because you are a menace. Which is why he was perfectly willing to believe me when I said that my failure to turn in the assignment was your fault!"
"He is a fucking creep with a massive hard- on for you," Kazuya seethed. "He would have believed you if you'd showed up and told him aliens had landed in our backyard and kidnapped your project as a means for conquering the world! It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you're the one saying it!"
"Ew, Kaz, that is disgusting," Lee made a face. "Also, completely untrue. He just appreciates my work because it is excellent."
Kazuya snorted in disdain, resenting the school for encouraging Lee's already overgrown ego, when a little dose of modesty would have done him a world of good.
"I hate that place," he grumbled, already plotting revenge against the science department. It was true, the robot had been fantastic, but the other thing was also true- he had spied on one of their after-class consultations and he'd seen that pervert's appreciation jutting out like a tent pole in his pants. He didn't understand how Lee could be so oblivious, the reek of his arousal was so strong, Kazuya could smell it from half the corridor away— it would lodge in his nose and make him nauseous. The rough sketches of a plan were already forming in his head, involving a lot of fire, smoke and destruction, and while he was still fuzzy on the details, there was one thing that he was certain of. That particular teacher's days in his brother's vicinity were numbered.
"So, do you have any clever ideas about what we are going to do with our time, now that we are stuck here indefinitely?" Lee asked casually, but Kazuya had got too good at reading into his good moods to be fooled by the seemingly innocent enquiry.
"Well, you are the acclaimed genius," he indulged him. "I'm sure that you've come up with ways of getting us into even more trouble all on your own!"
"As a matter of fact..." Lee flashed him a brilliant smile. He was looking entirely too pleased with himself and in Kazuya's experience, that was never good news.
"What did you do?" he asked suspiciously.
"Father left half an hour ago and he won't be back until tomorrow."
"So? He has guards stationed all over the place and he's made it very clear that if either one of us tries to sneak out, there will be hell to pay. I'm not in the mood to test his patience."
"I wasn't suggesting that we leave the house," Lee smirked. "There's plenty of fun to be had here!"
"There is?"
Lee was grinning widely now and he made a show of whispering in his ear. "I found his secret stash of porn!"
Kazuya's eyes went wide. "You didn't!"
Laughing, Lee jumped off the bed and his face glowed with mischief.
"Are you coming?" he asked and extended a hand towards him. "I'm telling you; there is some seriously weird shit in there! It should keep us busy for a week!"
The End