An Angel Falls from Grace by dejectedxangel
Seras is a good soldier and does what she is told, but there is a dejection that haunts her during the times when everything goes quiet. Alucard gave her eternal life, but will he allow her eternal peace?
Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or any of its characters.
Special Note: I originally posted this story to my AFF account a couple of years back as well as my deviantArt but I didn't realize I didn't post it to my ff account ^^;
It was during these dismal moments that I often wished I had found someone to love while I was alive so perhaps I could feel more complete. I never quite knew the feeling the girls in the books my father read me felt upon seeing their one and only come to their rescue. I did as I was told. I went to school and remained clean of all those bad things good little girls wont supposed to touch. I was a good daughter and a good officer. I did everything I was supposed to and in the end it did not even matter. I died before I could have that perfect wedding; I died untouched and I died alone.
I often wandered the place during the quieter hours and it was during one of my excursions that I found a passageway to one of the highest windows here. The place was covered in dust when I entered, proving that not even Walter ventured there. It was the highest place in Hellsing and from the moment I saw how close to the sky it brought me, I silently claimed it as my own. I stared up at the bright moon that hung in the sky as my legs dangled over the ledge of the window. My tongue still had the metallic taste of the medical blood I had upon awakening and as per usual, I felt disgusted in myself afterward.
The nights had meshed together and had become the same thing. We would drive out, exterminate and drive back. I would find myself in my chamber with my coffin and an empty chair to keep me company. I had begun to not feel any remorse upon exterminating the freaks anymore, which appeared to have pleased Sir Integra given that she stopped talking to me in place of berating me regarding what a terrible job I was doing and how she still believed that my Master had made a mistake in turning me.
My Master..
It has been ages since I saw Him. Occasionally I get a glimpse of him walking with Sir Integra when the missions are clear. I have arrived at the conclusion that He does not care for me. When it came down to it, I was simply a tool; I was helping save human lives, but I was always a tool for the Hellsing organization. I came to the conclusion that the only reason why Master turned me was to ease the bloodshed of Sir Integra's troops. I could carry heavier machinery than the other soldiers and as a result, annihilate targets from further distances with greater power. The ride back was silent on my end as no one sat near "the vampire" for fear that I might bite.
I am a tool and have no other purpose than to serve or be destroyed. It is during these dismal moments when the world goes quiet that the thought creeps from the back of my mind and courses through my veins, infecting every part of me.
I will not age, I heard. So long as my head stays on my shoulders and my heart is bullet free, I will not age, will not die, will not change. I was a blade of grass rooted to the ground, serving only the purpose I had been assigned, left to live on rooted in that same spot as the world passed me by.
I lifted my wrist to examine the faint blue against the pale skin. The one time He showed interest was when he offered me freedom, which I refused. I did not want to become a free-roaming parasite like the ones I was ordered to rid the country of every night. At times, I questioned it though. If I were free, I would not have to be forced to drink blood and I could die again, but this time in peace. The donor blood I have been drinking nightly has helped me raise my strength and not feel weak anymore. It is a blessing and it is a curse, for when I drink it I turn into that other part of me that I am so disgusted in.
I lazily dragged a sharp fingernail against the vein and noticed it pulse slightly. I dragged my nail down my arm as I traced the vein again, this time seeing droplets of red seep through. One fingernail turned into two, then four as I repeatedly traced my left arm, then my right, then my left, then my right. My breathing quickened slightly as I scratched at myself faster, my thoughts meshing into a blur as they raced together.
Whose blood did I drink tonight? Did they volunteer to give it or was it forced from them? Did they think they were saving a life with it? Could it have saved a life with it? Why is this blood with the potential to save a life being used to maintain a parasite like me? Someone out there is losing their life because I am being allowed to live mine. Someone out there is losing someone they love because I am being kept alive although no one loves me. I don't deserve this blood. I don't deserve this blood. I don't deserve this blood. I don't deserve this blood!
I inhaled deeply and snapped my head back, growing dizzy but still scratching and at myself without giving the skin time to regenerate. The blood now stained my skirt and trickled down my legs.
I don't deserve this blood, I don't deserve this blood…
The dizziness made everything spin and I felt that I was falling, but I did not care. I closed my eyes so I would see black and smiled as I opened my arms wide. I felt my fall slow and eventually stop completely. I opened my eyes but all I saw was black, or at least, for the moment it was. A crimson eye appeared out of the darkness and stared at me.
I opened my mouth to speak but found myself taking in a breath instead. I closed my eyes for a moment, only to open them and find myself in my windowless chamber, laid upon my coffin bed with Him standing in front of me in His black one piece suit, staring at me.
"What was that, Police Girl?" he asked as I stared weakly back at him. I tried to move, but felt exhausted and only managed to lift my head up enough to glance at my arms. I had lost quite a bit of blood and was apparently still bleeding though not as much as before. I dropped my head against the mattress and opened my mouth to speak, barely managing to get a whisper out.
"Nothing that would harm anyone, Master," I replied calmly. I stared at him
He tilted His head to the side as His eyes grew curious, then stepped around the bed to sit next to me.
"Do not lie to me, Police Girl," he said in a chiming voice as he lifted my right arm to examine it. He ran His tongue across one of this fangs and the scent of His strong blood reached my nose. Before I could say anything, he let His warm tongue drag across my arm beginning at my wrist, His saliva and blood allowing the wounds to close as he left them. My lips parted slightly and I closed my eyes.
"My Master.." I said in a voice barely above a whisper. I did not fight Him.. why would I? He was my Master. My only purpose was to serve Him and let Him do as He wished. I did not object when He gracefully swung a leg over both of mine and sat on my hips, lifting my left arm and dragging His tongue on those wounds. I felt myself drifting to sleep in my weakness and welcomed it, hoping to not wake up. Master had other ideas in mind.
/ Police girl! /
His voice raged in my mind and I snapped open my eyes to find myself sitting up, or rather being held up, in the coffin bed as Master held my shoulders firmly, still straddling my hips. I half-closed my eyes and let my head drop, at which point I received a slap to the face, which made my neck crack but inspired no sounds from my lips. My eyes were on Him the whole time as he raised an eyebrow and the same hand firmly took hold of my chin and turned me to face him completely. His eyes had become darker, somehow, whether from the blood or anger I was not sure. I did not care.
"Have you been drinking your blood?" he asked.
"Yes," I answered. My voice was incredibly calm although a bit strange and dreamy like. I was still coherent..
Damn, I did not lose enough blood.
Almost as if distrusting me, Master turned His head to the table where my blood packet was usually delivered. Sure enough next to the empty medicated blood packet there were the bowl and spoon with a drop or two left at most.
"Police girl," Master said quietly, His voice losing all the rumble it had during the few times I would hear Him during our missions. He turned His head to face mine again and brought our faces closer. He looked into my eyes analytically, searching for something I suppose.
"Is there something you require, Master?" I began softly. "Is there something Sir Integra requires? Is there something the organization still wants from me? Is there something else you will be putting me to use for?" As I spoke, my voice grew a bit louder. The whole time Master stared into my eyes as if looking for something.
/They have broken you, Police Girl…/ I heard in the depths of my mind.
"No, Master," I replied, feeling a little less faint now that I had stopped bleeding. "I'm not broken, I am still fully functional. If you need me to do anything, just say the word and-"
/You're mine to have and theirs to play with, but they used you too long and now they have broken you./
His hand was at my throat as he began to squeeze. I could neither talk nor breathe and after the initial reaction of fighting it, I began to relax into His hold.
/What do you feel, Police Girl? /
I half opened my eyes. I was dead already so I did not need air. I knew He could read my thoughts so I responded through my mind.
I do not feel anything, Master.
/What do you want to feel?/
My mind went blank. Had I not just moments ago on the window ledge admitted to myself what I had always wanted to feel, or was it simply what I had given up for this? I stared at him with as honest a look as I could muster as the pools of red swirled slightly to reveal flashes of darkness, an eternal darkness, chaos and perhaps.. peace? It was the type of darkness I wish I knew, the darkness I longed for, the eternal darkness. Master released His hold gently and I slumped forward, hitting Master's chest. I did not move nor did I make any attempt to. We remained like that for what seemed like ages before Master came to rest His chin atop my head.
/I do not tolerate weakness, Police Girl./
I understand, Master.
/You have served me well even if I never told you. /
Yes, Master.
/ You may have your freedom if you should desire, you know. The offer still stands. /
My mind wandered to the time when He held His cut wrist to my face, offering me His blood and my freedom. I had denied it then.
My answer remains the same, my Master.
He withdrew from my mind and lay me down.
/I'll put some life into you, Police Girl. I'll put some life into you even if I have to beat it into you.. again..and.. again../
His voice faded as exhaustion overcame me. I did not know exactly what Master had meant but at the moment I did not care. He had not given me an order and that was all that mattered.