A Lord of the Rings Piece-O-Crap by SpookyChild
Author's Notes:
Oh my God, what the Hell is with the movie Chicago?! I swear, it's using Satan to win all those awards. Okay, I'm sorry. Here is my first Lord of the Rings story. Basically, in the appendices of the third book, it states that after Aragorn dies; Legolas builds a boat and sails to the Grey Havens. I decided to write a story about Legolas doing just that: building a boat. The first chapter does not have him building the boat; it's about the funeral. Um, yeah, that's it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or anything else in this story. If I did, then I wouldn't have to write this disclaimer, would I? WOULD I?! I didn't think so.
Chapter One: The First Chapter"So, Aragorn's dead, huh?"
"That's what I said."
Legolas sighed and crossed his arms. "I guess it was about time. I mean, he was over one hundred years old. He was starting to decay and stuff."
"Yeah, well, I have to go." Elladen stated, turning and walking back to his horse. Legolas called to him.
"So, well, you want to go get some dinner tonight or something?" He asked, winking at him suggestively. Elladen frowned.
"You whore, you used to go out with my brothers! Besides, you have to go to the Grey Havens!" Elladen jumped on top of his horse and looked down at the other Elf.
"Damnit." Legolas murmured, snapping his fingers.
"Anyhoo," Elladen began, "you've been invited to his memorial, which will be beginning in, oh say, five minutes. See you!" He then began to ride away.
"Wait!" Legolas cried, running over to him. "Can't I ride with you?"
"I think not." Elladen answered. He guided his horse away and took off.
"Wait! WAIT! Oh, shit." Legolas sighed. "Why do people always do that to me?"
***
Legolas burst through the doorways of Minas Tirith and sauntered down the hallway, entering the room where the funeral service was going on.
"Well, let's bury this dead guy. It's not like we're getting any younger here." He exclaimed, standing next to a group of Elves. He noticed that Haldir was looking at him like he was crazy. "You see," Legolas began to explain, "it's funny, because technically we aren't getting any older, because we're-,"
"Yeah, I know." Haldir replied, looking irritated. "And we're not burying him now! It's just the reception! Can't you show any respect for your best friend?"
"Hey, I didn't show him any respect when we were sleeping with each other, why should I show him respect now? Ooh! Lembas!" Legolas quickly hurried over to the snack table and began shoving food into his mouth. Elrond noticed him from across the room and walked over.
"It's very sad, isn't it, my old friend? You must be filling the emptiness of your heart with food." Elrond stated, placing his hand on the other Elf's shoulder.
"Less talking, more leaving." Legolas growled, continuing to shove food into his mouth. Elrond shook his head.
"You can't hide it from me. You are deeply troubled. LET YOUR FEELINGS BE FREE!" Elrond exclaimed. He grabbed Legolas and hugged him tightly, pressing the Elf's face against his shoulder.
"Elrond…I…can't breathe…" Legolas gasped, flailing his arms and trying to escape.
"LET YOUR TEARS FLOW! DON'T BOTTLE THEM UP!" Elrond cried, hugging him tighter.
"Elrond…I can't feel my neck…"
"DON'T BE AFRAID! I'M HERE FOR YOU!"
"AAH! GET AWAY!" Legolas finally wrenched free and ran off.
"Come find me if you ever need a hug!" Elrond called after him. Legolas shuddered. He stopped running and wandered over to where Elladen and Elrohir were standing.
"Hey, Elladen. Oh," Legolas smiled at Elrohir. "Hey you." Elrohir frowned.
"You whore. Elladen was just telling me how you were hitting on him earlier." He said. Legolas stamped his foot.
"Damnit, why do you guys keep calling me a whore?" He whined, sounding like a fifteen year-old Brittany Spears.
"Valor, you sound like Brittany Spears." Elladen stated. Elrohir elbowed him.
"Shut up, she's not in our time-period." He growled.
"Oh yeah."
"Guys," Legolas whined again. "Why do you keep calling me a whore?!"
"Maybe because you are one." Replied a gruff voice from behind him. Legolas turned around and found that he was groin-to-face with Gimli, who was looking very short and rather hairy today. Legolas immediately screamed.
"WHAT THE... WHAT IS THAT THING?!" He hurriedly ran behind Elladen and hid. Gimli raised his eyebrows.
"Legolas, it is Gimli." Elrohir explained.
"Who?!"
"Gimli, son of Gloín."
"GIMLI SON OF GROIN?!"
"It's Gloín, you dumb Elf." Gimli growled, laying his hand on the hilt of his ax. "Maybe I should pound that into your thick skull."
"Like a tattoo?" Legolas asked, seeming to be busy with something. Gimli blinked.
"Well, I guess so…"
"LEGOLAS!" Elladen shrieked, spinning around and glaring at him. "QUITE TRYING TO PULL DOWN MY UNDERGARMENTS!"
"Valor, are you high or something?" Elrohir asked exasperatedly. Legolas shrugged.
"Why, do I look it?"
"Everyone," Elrond's voice addressed the entire room, "the service is about to begin. Please, enter the service room in a single file, and if you push and shove, I'LL KILL YOU!" Elrond turned on his heel and walked into the adjacent room. The memorial guests followed him and sat down, with Legolas sitting between Elrohir and Glorfindel. Elrond stood up by the casket.
"Now," He began, "a few of the people who knew Estel best will come up and say a few words. Elladen, Elrohir." Elrond motioned to them to come to the front of the room.
"Estel was a good man." Elladen began, looking somber.
"He was also a strong man." Elrohir seconded, bowing his head.
"He was very good-,"
"-And he was very strong."
"He was good-,"
"-And strong."
"Hey," Glorfindel whispered to Legolas. "How you doin'?" he slurred, smiling at the other Elf. Legolas frowned.
"Glorfindel, are you drunk?" He inquired. Glorfindel snorted.
"Naw, I only have had few drinks!" He stated, sounding very intoxicated. Legolas frowned again.
"-Good, good, good-,"
"-Strong, strong, strong-," The twins went on.
"Babe, I could show you things you've never even dreamed of." Glorfindel slurred, draping his arm over Legolas's shoulders. The other Elf tried to scoot away. Glorfindel continued. "I'll make love to you and set you free."
"You make love to me and I'll set you on fire." Legolas growled.
"-He was good-,"
"-And strong-,"
"ENOUGH!" Elrond screamed, rushing over to the twins and shoving them away. "Now, Haldir, would you come up here and say a few words?" He asked. Haldir rolled his eyes and walked up.
"Well, what can I say about Aragorn?" Haldir began, putting his hands on his hips. "There's nothing I really can say…" Haldir went silent stood there for another moment before walking back to his seat. Elrond put his hand to his forehead.
"Legolas, where are you?" He called, searching through the crowd. Legolas immediately stood up, causing Glorfindel to tip over due to lack-of balance. Elrond smiled at him. "Legolas, you were Estel's best friend. Would you please come up here and say a few words about him?" Legolas shrugged and walked up to the front of the room.
"Hmm, yeah, about Aragorn…" Legolas scratched his forehead. "What's up with his head?"
"THAT'S IT!" Elrond screamed in rage. "GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT!" He rushed over and kicked Legolas away. Legolas grumbled and walked off. Elrond sighed, brushed himself off and faced everyone.
"Oh," He began, smiling slightly, "I remember when Estel was young. He was as sharp as a tack. I tried the whole 'got-your-nose' trick. Didn't work at all." Elrond boasted proudly.
"My uncle still has my nose." Legolas grumbled, sinking into his chair and crossing his arms.
"Goodbye, Estel." Elrond sighed sadly, laying his hand on the casket. "We will miss you." Everyone bowed their heads somberly.
"HEY!" Someone yelled, bursting in through the doorway. "CELEBORN BROUGHT A LEMBAS CASSEROLE!"
"OOH! LEMBAS!" All the Elves screamed, rushing out the door. Elrond sighed angrily.
"Damn you, Celeborn!" The Elvin King stamped his foot and followed to find the infamous 'lembas casserole'.
++++++++++++++++
(A/N)
Um, yeah, that's the end. The whole thing about, "What's with his head?" has to do with the fact that Viggo Mortensen's head looks freakishly big. Well, to me anyways. Stay tuned for the next chapter; CHAPTER TWO! (woo!)
THE END