That Funny Feeling

by TalepieceUK

A naughty sprite causes trouble for the Torchwood team. femslash

TITLE: That Funny Feeling
AUTHOR: Talepiece
RATING: 18 cert.
PAIRING: Gwen/Tosh, Jack/Ianto
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just lead them astray.
CREDIT: Plot nabbed from Eureka 501 Adventure Plots (see profile for link).
SUMMARY: A naughty sprite causes trouble for the Torchwood team.
CONTINUITY: Mid-S1-ish.

---

'Tosh? Tosh, what the hell is that?'

Gwen jogged up the steps and came to stand behind Tosh's station. One of her many screens was showing a grainy, black and white image. It showed a small room that contained a sofa, a low table and a couple of chairs. One of the little rooms set aside in Police Stations for dealing with abuse victims and the like, Gwen realised. But there wasn't a small child in the room, nor a woman. Gwen blinked at it for a moment.

'Is that...?'

The large, blue bear was balancing dangerously on the edge of the sofa with its arms flapping around wildly. It wore rugby kit, had a bandage around its head and a black eye. Gwen recognised it at once but couldn't quite bring herself to believe it. Mostly because of the things the mascot was saying; enough to make Gwen blush. It was a stream of filth that even the drunks on a Friday night would struggle to match. Gwen caught at least two references to things that were anatomically impossible and three more to things that were highly unlikely - unless you were a contortionist or your name was Jack Harkness.

'Sorry,' Tosh said, her face a mask of horror, 'This is coming in from the Cardiff Central. They picked him up outside a,' Tosh hesitated, her face burning red as she tried not to listen to the audio feed, 'reported brothel. He won't shut up.'

'Yeah, I noticed. Jeez, could a bloke even do that? Let alone a bear!' Gwen watched the grainy pictures through her fringe as she listened to a few more of the things that the bear was proposing to do to the poor copper who was in the room with him. There was a woman's voice too, she seemed to be trying to maintain a calm, professional demeanour in the face of the mascot's foul mouthed outbursts. 'Does he know what he's saying? What's that?' Gwen leaned in to the speaker, 'Is he saying "help" too?'

'I think so. It looks like,' Tosh hesitated, 'Well, it looks like the mascot's saying those things and the man inside is fighting against it.'

'Sounds like our territory. Come on.'

Gwen grabbed for her coat and hurried to the already-opening vault door. Tosh flicked off the video feed with a sigh of relief and hurried after her. They were in the Range Rover and struggling through Cardiff's lunchtime traffic before either of them spoke. Gwen glanced across at Tosh as they pulled up at a red light and was pleased to see a more natural colour on the woman's face. For a grown woman working for Torchwood, Tosh really didn't seem comfortable with the earthier sort of alien. Perhaps because of it, Gwen thought, given Tosh's encounter with the alien who had called herself Mary. But then Gwen had her own little stock of embarrassing alien encounters so she really shouldn't judge. If anything, she decided, you had to admire Tosh for maintaining her innocence in the face of randy aliens and Jack bloody Harkness.

'So when exactly did Earth become Shag Central?' Gwen said in a casual tone.

Tosh grinned at her, 'About the time Jack arrived, I should think.'

'Too bloody right; that man could shag for Wales. What could we be dealing with here?' Gwen said as the lights turned green and she drove on, 'It couldn't be another sex-feeder, could it?' she added with a hint of panic.

'Why take a rugby mascot?'

'Unless it's a really sick little bastard,' Gwen muttered.

They pulled up outside the Station and strode inside. Gwen smiled at the greetings from her former colleagues. Things had calmed down a bit now and, though they were still curious, most of her old friends seemed to accept her change in employment. One in particular seemed pleased to see her and Gwen grinned back at Andy as he jogged up to them.

'You'll be hear for the creepy bear, eh? Bloody creepy, I'll tell you. Picked him up wondering around outside that bloody place. Very vivid instructions. Very specific instructions. Bloody hell, Gwen, I didn't know half of what he was saying. And that tiny, little voice shouting for help,' he shivered.

'We'll have a look now, Andy,' Gwen said, 'If you can get us in there?'

'Me? You don't need me and you well know it. Thanks for the pity, though; much appreciated.'

With that he broke off from them and ducked in to a side room. Gwen rolled her eyes at Tosh but said nothing. They found the Desk Sergeant and Gwen's rapid fire spiel soon had them entering the little room. The copper almost ran out of the room when he was excused. The woman, frazzled but still determined, lingered.

'It's alright, really,' Tosh said, having to raise her voice over the mascot's constant flow of erotic suggestions, 'We can handle this.'

'And what business is it of yours.?'

She was new, Gwen thought; didn't understand how these things worked. Full of ideas and ideals. A very dangerous combination, especially in police work. Gwen took her arm and guided her to the door with just a little more force than was necessary, 'It's alright, love, we'll look after this.' She jettisoned the woman, closing the door behind her. A low, rumble of laughter interrupted the stream of filth and Gwen turned back to the bear. Tosh was scanning him, standing as far back as she could get. Gwen approached him and dropped down on to the sofa. She reached in to her pocket and pulled out a small, thin device, aiming it at the camera in the corner of the room and hitting the button. The small light on the camera blinked out. 'Bit of privacy, eh?' Gwen said to the mascot, 'Need a bit of privacy for the sort of thing you're going on about. You know what you're saying? Course you do; you just don't know why, do you? So just who are you, eh? What are you?' she said in a harsher tone, 'Because I'm not fond of whatever-the-hell-you-are taking over people's bodies and using them for this filth.'

Gwen glanced up at Tosh, who lowered the scanner to shake her head in answer to the questioning look. Tosh dropped the scanner back in to her bag and pulled out another device. It flew through the air and Gwen snatched it in one hand, spun it around in her fingers and jabbed it in to the mascot's fur, piercing the suit and plunging it in to the flesh below. The mascot gave a very human squeal of pain, made to stand up but couldn't manage it and fell crashing to the sofa again.

'You're sure the suit won't come off?' Jack said an hour later when their examination was complete.

'A bloody nuke wouldn't get it off, though there's nothing actually holding the thing on either,' Owen said, indicating the readout on the wall with a tilt of his head, 'What the hell is it? No sign of parasitic infection, no massively incongruent readings. Just raised hormone levels and all that chatter.'

'It's sick,' Ianto said, 'using Bruiser like that.' He shook his head sadly and walked away muttering, 'What'd do a thing like that?'

'Freak,' Owen said under his breath. He risked a glance at Jack and shrugged his apology before saying, 'Anyway, some sort of possession, yes? I could keep the man in statis but not the suit too. We can hit him with all the usual and see if that helps,' he shrugged.

'And if it doesn't? What then?'

Owen grinned at Gwen, 'Then the bear goes bye-byes.'

'This is a human being we're talking about,' Tosh said.

'Yeah, yeah, sorry.'

'OK,' Jack said, clapping his hands together, 'Let's do a little more research and then we'll make a deci-'

'Er, Jack? I don't think he's the only one,' Ianto's voice called out, 'They're having a few problems at that,' he chose his words carefully, 'adult entertainment place you never, ever visit.'

'So this is a haunt of yours, is it?' Gwen said, her tongue peeking out through her teeth as she stared at Jack with an aggressively innocent expression.

Jack shrugged, 'Hey, even I have to make my own fun sometimes. Besides, variety is always good. Trust me on that,' he said with a wink.

He dropped down from the Range Rover's side and jogged up to the front of the shop. It wasn't one of those dark-windowed, side-door places but a big, bright shop front that sang out loud and proud. The door was locked but it was rattling on its hinges. The whole shop seemed to be pulsing. Throbbing, Gwen realised.

'Er, Jack?'

'I have no idea. Tosh?'

Tosh studied her scanner intently, 'Massive fluctuations in electrical signals; no signs of alien life; no signs of human life either.'

'They got everyone out when it started,' Gwen said, 'Andy called us straight in. He said there was something really freaky going on in there but he wouldn't say anything else.' She looked around at the empty road, 'They've cleared the area, Jack; we're on our own.'

'That's the way I like it. Sometimes.'

Jack took a deep breath and approached the door. The throbbing stopped. Jack, Gwen and Tosh stopped walking. They glanced at one another before continuing to the door. The lock clicked as they reached it, the door opening slightly. Gwen peered in through the window. The place had been trashed; toys, boxes and god only knew what scattered around.

'It looks like a hurricane hit it,' Tosh said, her own face pressed to the glass.

'You two OK?' Jack said.

'Fine, Jack,' Gwen laughed, 'Rhys has been working lates recently; I'll take anything I can get.' There was a nervous pause before she added, 'Shouldn't have said that, should I?'

'Let's hope we don't regret it,' Tosh said.

Jack pushed the door open and stood back to allow the two women to precede him. Gwen refused the offer with a shove to his back and he stumbled inside. Gwen and Tosh followed, their necks craning to look over his shoulder at the chaos of the shop. They were a few steps in to the large, bright room when the door slammed shut behind them. The lock fell with a loud click. Gwen and Tosh turned to stare at the door but Jack didn't bother. Instead, he took another few steps forward and looked around the room. He liked this place; friendly staff, good selection and not too expensive.

'The guy who works here on Saturdays is seriously cute,' he said to no-one in particular.

'You trying to get in to his knickers, Jack?'

'Me and everyone else who shops here.'

'Er, Jack...?'

Tosh looked down at the floor, then up at the ceiling. Jack and Gwen watched her for a moment, then did the same. The whole place was gently vibrating and there was a buzz of static in the air. The vibration grew stronger, pulsing through them. Tosh lifted the scanner again and studied it with growing panic. The pulsing had shifted now, the whole building throbbing just as it had been when they arrived.

'Tosh?'

'I have no idea,' she said.

The scanner sparked in her hand and Tosh dropped it with a squeak. It didn't fall to the ground but hovered in the air at hip height, where it swayed gently on some unfelt breeze. There was more movement around them and they looked up to see the shop's stock come to life. Toys, lingerie, bottles, all danced in the air, bobbing around them before swirling off and hovering again.

'When does Angela Lansbury arrive?' Jack said.

'Jack, you feeling a bit,' Gwen hesitated, 'funny?'

'Funny?' Tosh said.

'It's OK, just stay calm,' Jack said, 'Tosh, get hold of that scanner, can you?'

She couldn't, it kept dancing out of her reach. The device hovered just out of her grasp before darting off, then taunting her again. Tosh followed it, her face growing redder with her annoyance. The scanner dived through the storeroom door and Tosh lunged after it. The door slammed shut behind her and Tosh's fists could be heard pounding on the other side. Jack and Gwen rushed forward but Jack was stopped by a large phallus that parried each of his attempts to get past it. Gwen glanced back, her brows shooting skyward at the sight but Tosh's cries of, 'Get me out of here,' pulled her back to the door. She grabbed for the handle but the door wouldn't give an inch. Looking back she saw Jack wrestling with the dildo, his big hands wrapped around the shaft and pushing it one way and the other but never quite taking control. That funny feeling was growing stronger. And Tosh's cries had changed, Gwen realised. Changed significantly in tone from panic to long, drawn out,'Ohs,' that told a very different story. Gwen beat her fists against the door.

'Tosh? Tosh! Jeez, Tosh, hold on I'll -'

Inside the room, Tosh was slumped on the floor, her back to the door. Her legs were spread wide, her tight jeans pressed hard to her centre as the scanner buzzed and whined there. She had no idea the scanner had that sort of function. And she'd built the thing. A small part of her brain was screaming at her but the rest of it was barely coherent. God that felt good; the scanner rubbed itself against her jeans, pushing the seam in to her clit and vibrating madly now. Her hips worked against the contact, begging for more as she felt her climax rising. She abandoned herself to the sensations and came with a shriek of pleasure. Slumping back against the door, she tried to push the scanner away from her body but it wouldn't move. The more she withdrew, the harder it pushed back. She was trapped between the door and the scanner - but, god, that felt good.

Gwen heard the shriek and yanked at the door handle with all her might. It definitely wasn't giving. She turned back to get Jack to help and stopped, eyes wide at what she saw. Jack had been flipped over, laid out against the checkout desk. His trousers were already halfway down his legs. An empty tube of lubricant floated in the air beside his exposed backside. The dildo was already deep inside him. Gwen took a hurried step forward and stopped. Jack's moans had turned to begging. The man actually wanted more. Really wanted more. And, dear god, he was being loud about it. She rushed across the room, dodging dive bombing sex toys to make it to his side.

'Jack? Jeez, Jack, let me -'

'If you stop this before I come, I will kill you Gwen Cooper.'

Gwen stopped suddenly, wavering on the spot as she took in Jack's words. She glanced back at the door and listened to Tosh's cries. This was not right. These two were being taken, without their permission, by possessed sex toys - and they were enjoying it! Even worse: she wasn't getting any. Wasn't that just bloody like it; no Owen for months, no Rhys for weeks and no bloody sex here either!

'What? Am I being punished for something?'

That was a mistake, the tiny part of Gwen's brain that was still functioning told her. She looked around as a rack full of bondage equipment jumped to attention. It formed in to a V and launched itself at her. Flying through the air, it targeted her side, forcing Gwen to shuffle in the opposite direction. Picking up speed, the whips and chains pushed her further through the room towards the door of the manager's office. The door closed behind her as she stumbled inside. She was pushed against the desk, her head slapped down on the cold wood. The bondage equipment landed on her back, pressing her down, but the paddles and whips hovered over her. Gwen struggled for a moment but that funny feeling closed in on her, filling her with a need that pulsed through her veins.

'Do your worst,' she laughed.

She would never work out how her trousers ended up around her ankles but she would always remember that first strike. Her cries of passion and pain filled the office and rang out through the door. Filling the shop beyond. Even Tosh, on the other side of another door and almost deafened by the scanner's buzzing grinned at the yowls that filtered through to her.

And then it all stopped. The scanner fell to he floor. Outside, Jack felt the dildo slip from his body. The cries of pleasure and pain stopped too but they were quickly replaced by an angry shout of, 'Oh, you've got to be kidding me!' The building was still and silent again after the pattering rain of sex toys as they fell from the air. There was a long, drawn out pause before the front door opened and Ianto walked in.

'I think they'll make you buy that now, Jack,' he said.

Jack turned, pulling his trousers up with a casual, unconcerned expression. He shrugged, 'I was thinking of getting one anyway.'

'Gwen and Tosh?' Ianto said.

Jack pointed to the storeroom door, 'Tosh - help her,' before moving towards the office door.

Ianto eased the door open and Tosh's exhausted body tumbled out. She lay on her back, staring up at Ianto through glazed eyes. She lifted a hand lazily and gave him a happy little wave. Ianto bent down and helped her up, propping her against his side. She wobbled against him as they walked back in to the shop front. In the office, Jack waited while Gwen banged her fists against the desk's top, leather and metal tumbling from her back. Her exposed backside was glowing red but she didn't seem to notice. Eventually the anger dissipated and Gwen pushed herself up from the desk. She shuffled back to pull up her trousers. There was a sharp gasp of pain but she zipped and buttoned them before turning around to face him. Turning around very, very carefully, he noticed. Her face was glowing even brighter than her backside.

'Jack,' she said in a low, warning tone.

'Hey,' he raised his hands, 'don't blame me; Ianto saved us.'

'That bastard,' Gwen said with feeling.

She lifted her head higher and walked out of the office with as much dignity as she could manage. Jack couldn't resist and patted her rump as she went by. Gwen swallowed hard on the yelp that came to her throat and continued on. Tosh was just beginning to stand under her own power. The poor woman was glowing in embarrassment as well. Ianto was working very hard to look entirely clueless, though he wasn't quite succeeding. Gwen offered them both a weak smile in greeting.

'OK, listen up,' Jack said, 'This is strictly between us; off the record; never mentioned again. Yes?'

'Yes, please,' Tosh said.

Gwen nodded, 'Agreed.'

'I wouldn't even know where to start,' Ianto said.

'But how are we going to explain this to Owen?' Tosh said.

'Say that again?' Owen said a little later when he had completed examinations of all three of them. He stared at the three determinedly blank faces and Ianto's poor attempt to look ignorant. 'Sorry to say this - well, actually, I'm not sorry at all - but I don't believe a word you've just told me. I'd say you've all been shagged senseless which, excepting Jack of course, is highly unlikely.'

'Hey you!' Gwen glared at him.

The others remained silent and he looked from one to the other. What was going on with this lot? They weren't going to tell him. Medical Officer at a place like this and his own people weren't going to tell him. And he'd missed one hell of a party too, if their hormone readings were anything to go by. Bloody hell! He shook his head, glaring at each of them in turn before he said, 'OK, whatever it was, it's left you with the same signs as that bear. Definitely no alien infestation but wacky hormone levels and, in at least on case, a very sore arse. Anything you'd like to add to that, Gwen?'

Gwen stayed silent and Jack said, 'Can you use our readings to help the mascot?'

'Maybe,' Owen threw up his hands, 'I'll need some time to sort it all out. And you three need to rest. Bed rest...in a single bed, if you'll take my advice. Though you probably won't,' he muttered, 'cuz I'm only the medic around here so what would I know?'

They left him to his chuntering and walked back up to the main part of the Hub. Tosh dropped on to the sofa with an exhausted sigh. Gwen thought about sitting down but decided against it. Jack didn't seem too keen to sit either so he propped himself up against the railing. Ianto sat in Tosh's chair and studied the readings he'd taken from the shop. He had been very pleased with himself for finding the EM pulse generator and adapting it to counteract the electrical fluctuations that were affecting the shop. He'd expected the others to be impressed too. He hadn't expected them to keep glaring at him. Though, from what Owen had said, they were still suffering the effects of whatever had happened to them.

'So what exactly did cause this then?' he said.

'Definitely some sort of possession,' Jack said.

'What, like ghosts and stuff?'

'There's no such thing as ghosts, Gwen,' Tosh said, adding, 'Not in the sense you mean, at least.'

'So what sort of possession then?'

'Sprites?' Ianto said.

Jack pushed himself off the wall, his gaze far away, 'Ianto's right.'

He strode to Tosh's computer, leaning over Ianto to jab at the keyboard. A stream of text flooded the main screen with images popping up on the smaller displays. Jack read through a few pages while they waited for him. Eventually, Gwen prompted him with a, 'Jack?' and he turned back to them.

'Ancient Britain was full of nymphs and sprites and pranksters but this guy,' Jack tapped at the screen, 'was the tops. Caused as much trouble as he wanted, took any form he liked, shagged anything that caught his eye - no comparisons necessary, thank you very much - and did it all with impunity.'

'How?' Gwen said.

'Why?' Tosh said at the same time.

Ianto grinned, 'Because he could, probably; that's always been Jack's excuse.'

'What did I just say about no comparisons? Anyway,' Jack looked back at the screen, 'Leunades here has been blamed for all sorts of mishaps. Framed for most of them, I suspect. After all, what better way to explain an unexpected pregnancy than to blame a guy like this.'

'So you think this chap is to blame here, Jack?' Gwen stepped up behind Ianto and studied the screen, 'How do we stop him then?'

Tosh joined them, 'Tell him to go away? No, probably not. Ianto's adaptation of the pulse generator?'

Jack shook his head, 'No. No, I doubt it; that was just because of the shop itself. It wouldn't work on the mascot or on him. No, Leunades needs a little more subtlety.'

'That's a shame,' Ianto said. Jack clipped his ear and he rubbed at it, glaring up at Jack, 'Hey!'

Gwen's mobile rang. They all watched as she pulled the phone from her pocket and pressed it to her ear. She listened intently, her brows lifting as the speaker went on. 'OK. Yes, yes Andy, I understand. Well, yes, it would have. No, no. No, really, you do not want to go in there, Andy. Just sit tight and we'll be right there.' She snapped the phone shut and grinned, 'You're not gonna believe this.'

'What is it?' Jack said.

'Lap dance place - it's haunted apparently; girls have been seeing a dirty old man's face staring back at them from the mirror balls. Think they'd be used to that sort of thing by now. Here, Jack, let's get a print out of that dirty old man,' she indicated the picture on the screen, 'so we can flash it around.'

Ianto groaned at her choice of words and Jack reached out to clip Gwen's backside again but she skipped out of the way. Already heading for the exit, she called over her shoulder, 'And, Tosh, bring that cushion with you; I'm gonna need it.'

Before she'd started working at Torchwood Gwen had found it difficult to believe that men actually liked this sort of place. But her first day had thrown up some interesting experiences and almost drowning in alien pheromones had given her a certain appreciation for the female form. It was just lingering effects, she told herself every time a pretty girl caught her eye but it had given her some understanding of the appeal of having a nice pair thrusting around in your face. Most of the girls here had plenty to thrust, Gwen noticed despite herself. They were all scared too and that quelled Gwen's still raging hormones. Gwen looked over and saw Tosh trying to find somewhere to put her eyes that didn't involve the chest area but she seemed to be having a hard time managing it. Poor Tosh, finally falls in love with someone who's not called Owen and it turns out to be an alien bitch.

'You OK?' Gwen said in a gentle tone.

Tosh nodded violently, 'Yes. Yes,' she said in a firmer voice, 'I'm fine. Just a bit,' a really deep breath, 'shaky still.'

Gwen rubbed her back in what was supposed to be a calming gesture but it just made Tosh stiffen even more. She pulled her hand away as if Tosh's back burned, 'Yeah, know what you mean.'

'OK,' Jack said, grinning at the girls. They'd herded them back in to the club where they all stood, huddled together close to the entrance. 'We just need you to tell us what you saw and where. When that's done, you can all go home. Now, who saw this thing first?'

A statuesque blonde raised her hand and said, 'I did. This old fella's face, leching back at me from the mirror while I was changing.'

'She ran out of there like the hounds of hell was after her,' another woman said.

'Then I saw him,' a much shorter brunette offered, 'Up there, in the mirror ball. Turning round and round and winking at me every time he passed by. Thought I was going mad.'

'Maybe we are?' another voice from the back.

'No, honestly,' Gwen said, 'you're not going mad. Something - er, someone - is causing trouble but we'll get it sorted. Now, then, would your dirty old man have looked anything like this?' The women craned forward to study the print out, most of them pulling back in recognition. Gwen made sure they'd all seen the picture, 'I'll take that as a yes then. OK, let's get some more details here, shall we?'

It took a while to sort out all the names - stage names and real - and to piece together exactly what had been happening. It sounded like just the one sprite, darting around and terrifying as many of the girls as possible. He'd done a good job and, despite the owner's protests, Gwen made sure all the girls were taken home. Tosh and Jack were huddled together when she returned to the club. It was a dark, dreary sort of place without the neon lights and the music. Gwen suspected it wasn't much better with them. She joined the others and raised a brow in question.

'There are some strange electrical readings but nothing like the shop,' Tosh said.

'Thank god for that,' Gwen said, 'So what do we do now, Jack?'

'We find this creep.'

'And then?' Tosh said.

Jack shrugged, 'And then we ask him to leave.'

'Still not sounding like a good plan,' Gwen pointed out.

'I have an idea,' Tosh said. She grimaced at their expectant faces, 'Maybe. I'll need to get Ianto to bring some things over.'

'You do that,' Jack said, 'Gwen, let's have a look around.'

They checked the main area of the club, taking extra care to study every reflective surface. There were a surprising number of things - mirror balls, poles and the like - that held their reflections but no sign of a dirty old man. Well, only Jack, Gwen thought with a grin. A door behind the bar led in to an untidy office. There were boxes strewn about the floor, old computer equipment piled up haphazardly and a bank of monitors for the CCTV. Gwen ran the recordings back to the time of one of the incidents but the camera hadn't picked up anything of the man they were looking for. Jack watched the images over her shoulder. He was close to her back and she could sense the increased heat from his body.

'Jack, if you press your nether regions any closer to my arse I'll lop the damn thing off.'

Jack took a hasty step back. 'Jeez, Gwen Cooper, you're no fun at all. And don't tell me you're not feeling something here.'

'I was feeling all too bloody much, thank you! And, yes,' her tone dropped, 'I do still have that funny feeling. Though it's not quite the same as the shop. What's going on here, Jack?'

'He's still playing with our hormones, just in new and original ways. You know, in other circumstances, I could kinda like this guy.'

'Stop right there, Jack Harkness; I really don't want to know.'

They left the office and walked back through the club. On the far side, tucked in behind the little stage, was a heavy curtain that led to the girls' changing room. It was a big, open room with nasty, artificial light and no heating. Gwen hated the owner just a little bit more but she focused on looking around the room. There were three mirrors on the walls and all of them needed a good clean.

'It's no wonder he looked like a dirty old man,' Jack said.

'The owner's not looking too clean either, is he? Where now?'

Jack glanced around. There was another door in the corner of the room. An old door with a heavy lock. Jack pulled out a gadget and zapped the lock, the catch jumping open with a click. Jack shouldered the door and peered inside. 'Basement,' he said as Gwen came to his side. He reached around inside the door for a light switch, flicking it on when he finally found one. The bare bulb gave off a poor light but it was enough for them to find the steps that lead down in to the cellar. It was damp, the cold air heavy with the smell of mold. The place was full of boxes. Gwen ripped one open and rummaged inside. She lifted out a handful of VHS tapes.

'His family movies?' she said.

'That I doubt,' Jack checked another box and pulled out a pile of magazines. 'I don't think his porn empire worked out,' he said, showing Gwen the Seventies' photographs of naked women.

'Not a good look that,' Gwen smirked. She dropped the tapes back in to the box and looked around. There were no mirrors down here, the only reflective surfaces were the pools of water forming in the corners of the cellar. 'Can we get out of here now?' Gwen said, shivering.

Jack watched her, 'You OK?'

'Feeling a bit weird again.'

'Jack? Gwen?' Ianto's voice came from the top of the steps.

'Ianto,' Jack called back, 'come on down here. Gwen, you go back up and help Tosh. Ianto and I will finish checking this stuff.'

'You think there's a clue down here? Or do you just want an excuse to get Ianto alone?' Gwen teased as Ianto joined them.

'Oh lord,' Ianto said but he didn't look too worried about the prospect. To Gwen he said, 'Tosh is in the office.'

Gwen hurried back up and through the club. Tosh was settled in the chair behind the owner's desk. The equipment Ianto had bought was piled on the desk but she wasn't working. She wasn't looking at the desk at all. She was leaning back in the chair, her head tilted up, eyes staring unseeing at the ceiling. One hand was gripping the edge of the desk, the knuckles white. The other hand was under the desk. Her body tensed, back arching in to the thrusts of her arm. Gwen was already in the room before she realised what was going on. She tried to back out quietly but almost tripped on a box. Her yelp of surprise alerted Tosh, who scrambled up from the chair, her hand still deep inside her jeans.

They stared at each other. Tosh burning red with embarrassment, Gwen blinking at her. There was a long, drawn out silence and then they both started to speak at the same time. They stopped, waited for the other to speak and started again. Gwen raised a hand to stop Tosh. She took a deep breath and grinned. Her eyes just wouldn't stop dropping down to Tosh's open flies. Tosh followed her gaze and yanked her hand free, holding her jeans closed with her glistening fingers.

'Gwen,' she started but couldn't think what else to say.

Gwen approached her, her hand still raised in a calming gesture. 'It's OK, Tosh. Really. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I know all about lingering effects, believe me. Ever since Cerys actually.' She was in front of Tosh now. The smaller woman was staring up at her with big, disbelieving eyes. Gwen leaned in close, her hands coming to Tosh's shoulders, 'I want you to know that nothing but my own hormones is making me do this,' she said in a low voice, 'My hormones and the fact that you're a very sexy woman, Toshiko Sato.'

Gwen kissed her, a delicate kiss that quickly deepened. Tosh's hands grabbed for Gwen's back, pulling her closer. Gwen pressed forward, hoping to force Tosh back in to the chair but suddenly Tosh was pushing against her. With a strength that Gwen hadn't expected, she was turned around. Tosh kicked the chair out of the way and pushed Gwen to the wall behind her, forcing Gwen's body hard against it. Gwen groaned into her mouth but Tosh didn't ease the pressure. Her abused backside still burned but Gwen didn't care. Tosh's hands burrowed in between them and grabbed for Gwen's shirt, fingers hurrying down the buttons, freeing them before dropping lower and yanking at the zip of Gwen's jeans. The kiss ended abruptly. Gwen was barely aware of what was happening before Tosh's teeth were nipping at the soft flesh of her breast, then latching on to her nipple through the thin material of her bra. She cried out, her head bouncing off the wall as she arched in to the contact. Tosh's hands were still at the waist of her jeans. As Tosh's mouth traveled lower, sucking and biting at Gwen's flesh, her hands pushed the jeans down Gwen's legs. Gwen looked down to see Tosh fall to her knees, her hands forcing the jeans and boots from Gwen's body, leaving her exposed.

Tosh cast the clothing aside and lunged forward, her face pressing deep into Gwen's flesh. Gwen yelped in surprise, then groaned in need as Tosh's tongue delved deeper. Gwen's hands pressed against the wall, her palms flat against the cold plaster. She felt Tosh's tongue sink in to her, explore her until Gwen's body was jerking against the wall. Her hands came down to grab for Tosh's head, burying the woman between her legs. Tosh's lips toyed with her before finding her clit. Lips and tongue, then teeth joined in and Gwen began to whimper in time with the assault. Suddenly, sharp teeth were grazing her flesh while Tosh's tongue lashed her to climax.

Gwen returned to herself to look down her body at Tosh's glistening face smiling back at her. It was a seductive smile, though there was a hint of concern in Tosh's eyes. Gwen tightened her hold in Tosh's hair and dragged the woman up to her feet. She kissed Tosh deeply before licking her face clean. When she finally pulled Tosh's head back, Gwen smacked her lips dramatically.

'They're right, you know?' At Tosh's confused expression Gwen said, 'It's always the quiet ones. Jeez, Tosh, where did you learn to do that?' Tosh's face fell and Gwen cursed her own stupidity, 'Sorry. Sorry. Well she may have been a murderous, alien bitch but bloody hell she knew what she was doing down there. And you're a bloody good student too.' Tosh's head had dropped, her face buried in Gwen's shoulder. But Gwen felt the chuckle, the body against hers relaxing. 'Anyway,' Gwen said, dropping a kiss to Tosh's head, 'you deserve a reward, don't you think?'

'You don't have to...I've taken advantage...we shouldn't have...what if Jack and -'

Gwen lifted Tosh's head until she was grinning down in to her face. She stopped the babbling with a kiss, holding Tosh close until the woman relaxed in to the contact. They parted a fraction and Gwen whispered, 'I don't think you came earlier; I want to help you with that,' into Tosh's ear. Tosh shivered against her and gave a faint nod in agreement. Gwen turned them around pressing Tosh against the wall. She leaned in to kiss Tosh again but hesitated. The truth was, apart from snogging Cerys and a bit of fumbling behind the bike sheds when she was fourteen, Gwen hadn't done anything much with a woman. Suddenly the inexperience weighed heavily on her.

'You don't have to,' Tosh said in a tiny voice, 'I understand.'

Gwen felt her heart lurch. Lust tempered, she smiled sadly at Tosh,'Oh, I do want to - believe me. Thing is,' she said, eyes closing, 'I've never actually done anything more than this with a woman. You're the expert here, Tosh,' Gwen opened her eyes to wink, 'so I might need some help.'

Tosh managed a gentle laugh, 'Not much of an expert. But, god, Gwen, I really want you to touch me.'

'Tell me where,' Gwen whispered. Tosh blushed crimson and Gwen took pity on her, 'Then show me.'

Tosh reached for her own shirt and unbutton it with shaking fingers. She pulled the shirt open to expose her plain, black bra. Reaching for Gwen's hands she placed them gently on the outsides of her breast. Her hands lingered there, pressing Gwen's fingers to her own flesh. Gwen shifted her hands until their fingers were entwined. She smiled in to Tosh's eyes before leaning in for another lingering kiss. Tosh's hands dropped away and Gwen squeezed Tosh's breasts, working her fingers in to the flesh before drawing their tips in circles until they had reached Tosh's nipples. Her hands buried between their bodies, Gwen toyed with the peaks, feeling Tosh squirm under the contact.

Gwen lifted her head, pulling back a little from Tosh's body. She said, 'What next?' and waited for Tosh to respond. Tosh took hold of Gwen's hands again and pressed them lower on her body, dragging the palms over her stomach and holding them over the opening of her jeans. Gwen shook her hands free and pushed Tosh's jeans lower on her hips. One hand reached round Tosh's back to pull her closer, the other burrowed between her legs. The flesh was hot and wet, Gwen dipped her fingers in to the moisture and watched Tosh's eyes close. Her back arched, head falling back to expose her throat. Gwen leaned in to Tosh again, nipping at her jawline, kissing her neck and throat. Her hand moved deeper until her fingers were working themselves inside Tosh before pulling out and plunging forward again. Tosh writhed and moaned, her hands keeping a weak grip on the back of Gwen's jacket.

Gwen's mouth dropped lower, sucking one breast and then the other, while her hand pressed deep again. She could feel the tension in Tosh's body building, hear the need for release grow in Tosh's panting breaths. She eased her fingers from Tosh's opening and moved the tips to her clit. Two fingers worked either side of the swollen flesh, rubbing back and forth until Tosh's hips were rocking in time with the movement. Then one finger circling, a nail dragged along the peak, before the fingers thrust once more. Tosh's head snapped back, her hips thrusting forward, her climax soaking Gwen's hand.

In the cellar below, Jack and Ianto looked up at the cries, barely muffled by the floor above. Jack pressed himself closer to Ianto's back, his hand working at Ianto's erection. Ianto pushed back into him and offered a cry of his own. Their bodies worked together until they were both spent.

Jack rested his head on Ianto's shoulder and grinned, 'All this and you make great coffee? You really are a find, Ianto Jones.'

'You're only just -' Ianto stopped, his voice harder when he said, 'Er, Jack? We're being watched.'

Jack eased away from Ianto's back and followed the direction of his gaze. There was a pool of dirty water against the wall that had supported them. The water shimmered and a grinning face leered back at them. The grin shifted from lecherous to hateful and a low snarl seemed to fill the cellar. Ianto was still fastening his trousers when Jack took a hold of the back of his jacket and pulled him away from the wall. Jack stepped around him, putting himself between the face and Ianto.

'Ianto,' Jack said over his shoulder, 'go upstairs and see if Tosh has got any work done.' Ianto hesitated and Jack snapped, 'Now!' When Ianto was gone, Jack squatted down by the pool and stared at the angry face that stared back at him. 'What do you want? You've been quiet all this time, what's rattled your cage now, eh?'

The face contorted as it said, 'He wouldn't have me.'

'Er, Tosh? Gwen?' Ianto said as he peaked around the door of the office. Gwen was just fastening the button of her jeans and Tosh was settling down in the chair at the desk. Both women had healthy red glows to them and there was a heady scent in the air. Ianto managed to ignore it all. He knew he had a bit of a glow on too. He said, 'The dirty old bloke's downstairs.'

'Jack, you mean?' Gwen laughed.

'Yeah, him too. The other one's hanging around in a puddle down there. Jack wants to know if you've got anything done yet.' Ianto winced at the glares that earned him and shrugged a, 'Sorry,' in reply.

'Give me five minutes. Ten tops,' Tosh said. To Gwen, she added, 'You go down there too. Don't worry, I'll be fine. And Gwen,' Tosh whispered, 'thank you.'

Gwen flushed a darker red and patted Tosh's arm as she walked by. She joined Ianto and they jogged back through the club and down the cellar steps. Jack was sitting on the cold, hard floor now, his legs crossed at the ankles, his arms wrapped around his knees. He was rocking with laughter, one hand lifting to wave in the air for emphasis.

'- so I said, "No, but you can if you're supple enough"!'

There was cackling laughter from the floor and Gwen stood on tiptoes to look at the far wall. Just over Jack's head she could see the face of Leunades bright with mirth, tears streaming down his already watery face.

'Jack?' Ianto said.

'Here's your pretty boy,' Leunades said

Ianto stiffened, 'Yes, well, thank you. Er, Jack? You OK?'

'Fine, fine,' Jack shifted a little on the floor, reaching out to take one of Ianto' hands, 'Really, everything's fine. Leunades and I have been having a nice chat. Honestly,' he glanced back at Gwen's concerned face, 'Leunades is going to release the mascot. Right? And return to his usual, quieter ways,' that last said in a harder tone.

The face in the puddle scrunched up but he said, 'I suppose so. It was fun, though; can't guarantee I'll never do it again.'

'I've got it!' Tosh called down from the top of the stairs. She clattered down, a long, wand-like device in her hand. She waved it around with menace but pulled up short when she saw the bemused expressions of her colleagues. 'What? This is it - should zap all known sex sprites dead.'

'Hey!' the sprite in question said.

'It's OK,' Jack said. He stood up in one smooth motion, one hand out in front of him to calm Tosh, the other behind him to placate Leunades. 'They'll be no zapping right now, OK? Tosh, it's all worked out. Just put that thing down, OK? Good, thank you. Now. Leunades is going to be on his way and he's going to stay out of trouble. We are going to tidy up this mess and say nothing about the details - remember? Everything's going to be all right.'

'Are you sure, Jack?' Gwen said, 'Can we really trust this...thing.'

'Hey!' Leunades said in an even more indignant tone.

'I believe we can,' Jack said.

'You're certain?' Tosh said.

'Positive, Jack?'

Jack sighed, glancing back at the face that was winking at him in a not particularly encouraging way. 'I'm sure. And I'm making this call. If,' Jack glared back at the puddle, 'Leunades should break his word, then I'll break him. For good. Understood?'

There was a pause before the face nodded, the dirty water of the pool shifting with his movement. Then the filthy grin was back and he said, 'But I'll give you one last gift, Jack; for old time's sake.'

With that, he was gone, the puddle nothing more than mucky water. They waited in silence for a while, looking around them to be sure that nothing else would happen.

'One last gift?' Ianto said, a hint of jealousy in his tone.

'Well then,' Gwen said on a deep breath, 'That was all very,' she didn't finish.

Tosh stared down at the device in her hand and sighed, 'It would have worked, you know?'

'I'm sure it would, Tosh,' Jack said, 'Store at the Hub, just in case we need it in the future. Now come on; I think we've had enough,' he grinned, 'excitement for the day.'

Three days later and everything was back to right. Well, maybe Gwen and Tosh were still blushing every time they caught each other's eyes and maybe Ianto was grinning just a bit too much but, for the most part, everything was back to normal. Of course, it might be a few years before Owen stopped moaning about missing out on all the fun, Jack thought as he strode towards the shop. Owen had finally cleared the now suit-less mascot to go home and Jack had sent Ianto along with Andy to return the man to his terrified wife. He'd sent Gwen and Tosh to make sure everything was all right at the lap dance place. OK, maybe that was a little cruel but, hey, sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind. Or just plain cruel, he acknowledged with a grin. He was still grinning when he entered his favourite adult entertainment emporium. He'd made sure to visit on a Saturday.

'Wow, you got everything back together again real -'

The beautiful young man who had always caught his eye was out from behind the counter, in front of him and kissing him before Jack could finish his sentence. The man's hands came to the back of Jack's head to keep him from pulling back. Not that Jack had any intention of doing that. Somewhere off in the distance, a faint voice on the edge of hearing said, 'One last gift for you, Cap'n.'