The following is a bit of a take on Video Game Confessions which belongs to the comedic genius of Doug Walker of Channel Awesome. Naruto belongs to the Uchiha lover Kishi McSellout. And to make this more fun to you the reader, I suggest putting on the theme from Video Game Confessions ( /watch?v=tCrrZ1NnCuM )
A/N: Be warned bashing on certain elements of the manga. While I do find it a memorable one, it's the embodiment of wasted characters and idiotic plot holes. I do like some of the characters, but good grief do most of them suck due to poor writing. I also recommend you read Anime Confessions – Pikaprick, I mean Pikachu and Anime Confessions – Shinji Ikari before this. They will be referenced here. I want to thank Killjoy Funny Man and CherieRoseLoveless for the suggestions.
Anime Confessions – Naruto (and Gaara)
You're introduced to a young man of African descent about 5'9'' with a lean frame. His hair spiked and black with eyes of light gray. He wears a typical outfit of a bartender for a fancy restaurant.
"This is Ryo. Ryo works in the seven star restaurant known as the Tori Dragon Palace (which is two blocks away from the Pixel Palace). There, some of anime's most popular celebrities pop in to have a drink. Sometimes, they share stories, and even secrets. Because—as we all know—what the bartender hears is confidential... isn't it?"
Naruto Uzumaki (along with Gaara Sebaku)
So here I am working the bar late at night and in walks in Naruto and Gaara. Now Naruto started off an excitable little brat, but that mask just faded over time. After each arc, he'd be more and more jaded. I hadn't seen him much after his series ended. Not until tonight, and he was with Gaara, most likely his designated driver. Ugh, Naruto still has that stupid looking Buzi cut too. At least Gaara went back to his old Part II hairstyle, but not before putting the hairstylist who gave his epilogue look a Sand Burial. So I make Naruto a piledriver (vodka with orange juice) and Gaara opted for cranberry juice. So Naruto was in his "mask" being positive and cheerful. Ugh…I hate it when it does that. It worked as a kid, but now it's just a pain in the ass.
"Naruto, cut the shit. The ending sucks." I said snapping him out the "mask".
Gaara nods in agreement. He should be lucky he's in a better position than Naruto. So I ask him how's being Hokage.
"If I could tell my younger self, I'd tell him being Hokage is a waste." Naruto said completely depressed. "Tsunade was right."
Now it all goes silent. Gaara spat out his drink and everyone just stared at Naruto. I'm just dumbfounded that it's Naruto saying that.
"I got to be Hokage all right. The kage position in Konoha don't even mean a damn thing. It's a figurehead position while the "council of doom" controls everything. The original council tried to stunt my growth, but this modern councils object to everything that I can't get shit done! I'm basically a glorified pencil-pusher!" Naruto said as I pour him another drink. "Tell me, Ryo, tell me what do you think of my son, Boruto?"
I had no intention of softening it and I admitted that he's a shitty character and a disappointment. I went as far to ask why they didn't give me more of his other kid. She was immediately more interesting to me despite not getting any development.
"When Kishi gave us the ending script, let's just say all of us weren't happy." Naruto said to me irate. "For one thing, Saskue getting away with his shit."
Ugh, Saskue. Emo McDouchebag was a frequent here in the pre-Shippuden days. He'd pick fights, brag about his clan, and just be an all-around dick. Ash's Pikachu was more tolerable than this assclown. I had the duck butt douchebag banned from here after he got drunk and Chidori-ed a fellow bartender through the heart who was serving him. That's how he got the Mangekeyou Sharingan. I had to go scour the world for to bring her back with the Dragon Balls. Sassy quit her job as a bartender for a safer job, retail. However, when a drugged out Deidara blow the store up, I helped her set up a business. She's now a full-time reviewer as the SassyShoujo thanks to Shinji's (well now my) money. But I digress.
"I could forgive Saskue leaving the village, but I can't forgive him killing his own teammates for stronger eyes, killing samurai, teaming up with the snake bastard, or trying to take over the world!" Naruto said downing another drink.
"What about Sakura?" A random patron shouted.
"Please, I could care less. What has she done that was worth anything of importance? Her fight with Ino, if I hadn't shot off my big mouth she would have lost. Defend us in the Forest of Death, Rock Lee did that. Being a healer, please Ino was a better healer. Beat Sasori, bitch please, Chiyo helped her. After that, nothing. She was a waste of space just like Bakakashi! Even Studio Pierrot hated Sakura! I voted for her to die, but the Uchiha pricked voted for Neji. Kishi was going to kill Sakura, but Saskue pointed out he needed the useless broad to have his babies. No way was any other female willing for that. So they killed Neji! He's pissed that Sakura got priority over her!" Naruto ranted. "Speaking of useless broads, Kishi can't write a female to save his ass."
"Doesn't help, Sakura hasn't even surpassed Tsunade." I mutter pouring him another piledriver.
"I am so glad my story wasn't completely bungled." Gaara said. "But if I hear Sakura's screaming in the studio, I will let Shukaku devour her."
"Please do!" A random patron says.
"Only about less than five were written well enough, and they got ignored for Sakura or screwed over by the plot!" Naruto said. "So many stories we could have told. All wasted on Tobi, the fucker ,who because of Rin being a dumbass, sought to destroy the world. It nullifies Kakashi's childhood character development, because if he had completed the mission instead of protecting his comrades then Obito would have died, giving me an actual family, creating the possibility of Minato preventing the Uchiha Massacre, making the Mist a better place because its leader wasn't under mind control, letting the Moon's Eye Plan die with Madara, stopping Nagato from being as crazy and evil, and averting a world war. I am not exaggerating when I say that Obito is actually the worst possible character to be behind the mask of Tobi. Yet when the Nara pointed out the bullshit, Saskue said it was genius! You can tell who Kishi sides with."
Then Gaara pointed out, "It doesn't help Kishi gave Obito a complete and total Karma Houdini death, he gets to pass on to the afterlife where Rin is waiting for him and will spend all of eternity with him. Kishi made Naruto call him "the coolest""
Naruto had broken the glass in his hands by crushing it due to being enraged from that memory.
"The whiny little shit that who ruined my life, ran Kiri into the ground causing Haku to die, corrupted the Akatsuki when they could have been good guys, and started a pointless, utterly retarded war for his selfish self-satisfaction gets rewarded for his douchebaggery and gets everything he ever wanted from Kishi. When I was told to praise Obito, I refused to do it so they got someone else to transform into me." Naruto said dusting his hands of the shards. "Then Kishi started this bullshit prophecy making Neji right and making Rock Lee even more pointless."
Naruto started to cry when I mentioned the pairings. He was fine with Hinata, but when Saskue got Sakura he went ballistic. Sakura and Ino never developed in their views of romance. Ino is only slightly better off than Sakura with Sai, but not my much. Sakura is much worse because she's a main character and by now you expect her to act like an adult. Naruto pointed out it that as this point, he doesn't care anymore.
"None of us do. Our kids are boring and unlikable and my story was royally screwed. So many fanfiction authors did it better. Why couldn't I had them rewrite this trainwreck!" Naruto slurred drunk off his rocker.
It's sad to see Naruto as such a wreck, but any man under Kishi (who isn't an Uchiha) would be. Gaara got him out of the bar and back home. The next day, Naruto had quit the team just like Ash. Kishi wanted him to die to Saskue in Boruto and Naruto lost it. Unlike Ash, more of them left Kishi. Anko castrated Kishi when he found out he made her fat. Finally, I had paid Tsunade with free sake to beat Kishi into a pulp. You DO NOT make Anko fat.
You see a lot of strange things as a bartender, see a lot strange things at the Tori Dragon. So, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Tori Dragon, and that isn't no lie. Swear to it!
(A/N: If you're wondering why I didn't mention Hinata, it's because I don't find much issue with her. And plus, that marriage would be the only good thing in his life now. I want to give a big thanks to the SassyShoujo. She helped big time in fueling me to make a Naruto story, and seeing people wanted Naruto on Anime Confessions, it was a perfect mix. Go check out her Youtube Channel! Edit – 10/13/17 – Final Edit)