Insanity
As I causally walked through the back door to my house to get inside, my older sister had caught half of my attention, being the other half on music.
"Dad needs to talk to you and Kankuro" she warns as her blond hair harshly pulled back into four pony tails. Why she has such an abnormal hair style, I'll never know, I don't understand women and don't plan on trying.
"Why? Can't he just talk to me? Did something bad happen?" I asked in my normal husky voice.
"Ah… yer" she warned me.
"How serious? Does it have to do with his job?" I ask, why was the first thing I say about his job? He has a steady job that gets us good pay and has been working there for about 9 years.
"Yer!" she replied. Shit! Why did I have a bad feeling about this, maybe telepathy told me it was his job. I try to seem unfazed but I can't help myself.
"Did he get fired?" I ask, worry clear.
"Kind of, not exactly; just go to him" she warned me before returning her attention to the computer screen.
I walk up stairs causally, my dad, who has brown hair was on the phone.
I hear my brother entre from downstairs, in our two story house that we are renting.
I know what you're thinking, he's older than me and I'm something as wild as a Shinobi.
Hate to break it to you but I'm not, no chakra or whatever; well at least not in reality, in my dreams I'm a psychopath who loves killing and my family all hate and are scared of me.
Hell if I meet me in my dreams, I would be scared; not that I'll show it.
Kankuro is actually two years younger, but always insisting that he wants to be older or something.
To your question people, I'm 16, I sit on my ass and draw and come up with crazy fantasies; such as killing all my friends… I'm a freak so get over it.
"Ah, Gaara. Kankuro!" My dad said after he got off his phone.
His brown eyes look into mine sincerely.
"Is something wrong with work?" I straight out asked.
"Yes, one of the higher ups decided to get rid of anyone who doesn't live in the US, so I'm being retrenched. I'm looking for a new job even though the final decision hasn't been set. I'd have one full month of work before I'd have to move to a new job." I had really wished Temari had lied.
"So you're getting fired?" my little brother asked, brown hair and eyes seemed to lose its shine.
"No, getting fired is punishment, retrenched means you haven't done anything wrong and they are just getting rid of some workers" he warned.
I felt panic raise in me, but I tried to keep it under control.
He'd gone into a bit more detail but I forgot it after it being said.
"I felt like crying when he said that!" my little brother warned me as we were in the kitchen.
"You scared of being homeless again?" I ask.
"No, I don't care about being homeless, it's just… dad didn't seem to be the type to be homeless" he sighed. He was thinking about it.
My safety and haven seemed to be slipping; because of my mother who to let you know has paranoid schizophrenia, a single expert $25000 report had said so.
"Your dad is abusive, he's plotting to kill me, he's sabotaging my life!" is her most common delusions. Anyway, because of those delusions she kidnapped me, and brought my brother and sister and dragged ours asses to Sydney while my dad was out to get her a present and flowers.
Her thoughts are so disorganised we ended living in one of her friend's house for about 3 months, it was a living hell.
I didn't want a repeat of living homeless, the endless worry of when will we be kicked out of the house, how long will we have to live in a car, will we have any food to survive; will we survive the winter?
Thankfully we never lived in a car and we had food the whole 9 months of hell, but the emotional damage was unfixable.
I don't want to live homeless and slowly over time have everything we own sold from us, I like the clothes on my back and its staying there.
"Hay Gaara, have you ever felt like someone else was controlling your body, like a completely different personality while you're watching?" he asked.
"No, but I'm sure it's fine" I warn.
"You know, if anything happens like we go homeless again, I have a feeling I'll become a schizophrenic" I had continued truthfully.
This I'm serious about, it's been about half a year since that thing and my war, and even though the long battle that lasted about a year has ended and it's completely vanished.
Just like before at the start, I can sense it but it's nowhere to be found.
I, for about consecutive two weeks, a couple of months ago; fought against it again.
Out of nowhere it got me during my weakness, it took me weeks to get over the numbness.
What is 'it' you ask, it is my insanity.
And I know it's coming back for a second war, wanting to consume me, eat me till 'I' no longer exist.
When I close my eyes I can see it possessing my body by the name of Shukaku, my insanity loves to toy with me and those around me.
In my dreams I have black rings around my eyes like a raccoon, a statement that was brought to my attention because I am actually in reality an insomniac.
I swear I'll start hearing voices soon telling me to kill. Well, I don't need voices to tell me to kill.
When I was in grade 5 I was being picked on (not that I remember what happened at school during that year during breaks) and got fed up of the 3 years of bullying and brought each of them to their knees.
I got really violent in grade five, and at home if one came within a meter radius I'd attack. I got VERY territorial, one step in my room and I'd become feral to say the least.
I settled down in grade six with everyone fearing my name. Frankly I enjoyed the isolation.
I felt the most lonely when I'm in a crowd, even if I had a 'friend' with me.
I don't know why but I always hate my friends and end up wanting to kill them in horrible ways. Even if they are good and nice people. It's like a rule only I know; anyone who isn't in my family who tries to get close to me are my enemy.
No its not paranoia, it's not like they are going to attack me, I just can't stand people pretending to be your friends and being buddy buddy when they don't really know me.
During dinner that night it was a real aggravating, dad pretending that nothing has happened and nothing in the world is wrong. Well in a sense that puts me at ease as he isn't over reacting and has things under control, a sense of everything is going to be ok but yet it's not.
"Heh, some stupid bratty kid, Gaara your so naïve! I'd brace yourself cause were going to hell, and this time I'll eat you till there is nothing left of you!" I can imagine Shukaku calmly and mockingly coo.
It caused me to growl causing dad to stare at me,
"Something wrong Gaara?" he asked calmly,
"Just thinking about something" I tell him and walk off to lye on my comfy and luring bed.
"You ok Gaara?" Kankuro asked rudely waltzing into my room.
"My wife wants me to come back and spend more time with her!" I warn jokingly.
"Oh really, you got a real bed of a wife there! Makes me jealous, maybe you could let me borrow her for a night or two!?" he grinned.
"NO! My bed, you got your own and I'm not sharing!" I roar.
"Dude chill! No need to get defensive!" he laughs calmly. I wish I were me in my dreams, he wouldn't even think of defying me let alone even approach me.
Ah! Why does one bad thing happen and it sets off a whole lot of unnecessary thoughts. It's like a web, if you're lucky you only pull a single thread and not set of the rest of my web.
My web of thoughts that only hold useless emotions and negative thoughts and memories.
Thanks to this, counselors can't help me; it means I don't need someone to work out my own personal and mixed problems.
I analyse my thoughts, emotions, drawings and I work things out by my 'other self'; the me in my dreams and that crap Shukaku puts 'me' through and how I act around others or to situations.
My dreams are the key to my questions and unlock the answers to how I really feel. Why I have my family scared of the other me, is because I don't believe I'm a good person and I should be feared.
This was probably brought on by her, I can't even call her my mum.
A witch that calls her son a monster every night, every day when no one was looking would hurt me and leave scares and bruises where others can't see without the removal of my clothes.
'Mother' after my 6th birthday had the random panic attack of people who would find out she was hurting me and stopped, but by then I was so used to pain and no longer used to comfort I would hurt myself when I was alone.
That's why in my dreams I seek someone strong enough to hurt me, because in both worlds, pain makes me feel alive. Pain hurts, I hate it but am addicted to it, I want to protect myself from pain others cause but at the same time I long for it.
"Surrounded by nothing but darkness, once you're in you can never escape, in one way or another your always it's prisoner. Why don't you give up! Except your surrounded in darkness and soon your find you'll never want to leave!" I remember 'Gaara' once said.
It was one of those dreams when you meet your dream self, funny enough 'I' ended up trying to kill myself. Well I'm not going to commit suicide, the both of us believe that it is a waste of our existence.
"Gaara! Come on, you can easily kill this snot nosed brat! Kill the stupid nine tails brat!" Shukaku yelled.
Naruto.
A host of a demon who felt the isolation just like me, he was trying to reach out to me and make me see I don't have to kill for myself, don't have to live for myself where I only get hurt and hated.
I wonder, no! I know that I wish Naruto was real, if only he could come to my world, if he was really like me and could relate to the me of reality. If only he where real, then I wouldn't kill him, wouldn't fantasise about hurting him.
"Gaara! Kill the brat!" Shukaku roared.
"I'll let him entertain me before killing him!" I say back to my imagination. Just because I wish he was real and my friend, doesn't mean I won't make him prove himself!
"Gaara! It's perfectly okay to get rid of unnecessary things, you know I'll always protect you!" the sand demon of insanity purred in a loving and peaceful manner.
Ah how luring my insanity sounds, darkness sweeps over me for the first time in a month and a bit. Maybe just this once I'll let myself be tempted by my insanity, and be with the imaginary blond.
Just this once I'll sleep without fear. Sleep without fear of my insanity.