Cobra Commander took off with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own GI Joe characters. I just felt like having a little fun. And what could be more fun than torturing Cobra?
Another Productive Cobra Meeting
"Once again ladies and gentlemen…And whatever else is sitting at this table," Cobra Commander sighed. "It is time for the Cobra Command Staff Meeting. I shall now call the roll starting with me, obviously. I'm here. I wish I wasn't but I am. Destro?"
"Why do we have these meetings?" Destro moaned. "Seriously, why?"
"I'll take that as a 'present'," Cobra Commander marked it off the list. "The Baroness?"
"Ooohh, my aching head," The Baroness was clearly hung over.
"What's the matter with you? Besides the usual?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We had another one of our three hour 'Where is this Relationship Going' talks," Destro explained. He didn't look too well either.
"I see…" Cobra Commander sighed. Those 'talks' were infamous throughout the entire Cobra organization, particularly the infirmary. "Major Bludd?"
"He's not here," Dr. Mindbender "He's in the infirmary. Unfortunately he was in the room next to Destro and the Baroness when they had their little 'talk'."
"I see," Cobra Commander sighed. He looked at the Baroness. "What did you use this time? Bazookas? Flamethrowers? Semi automatics?"
"A little bit of all of the above," The Baroness shrugged.
"Okay Major Bludd is excused," Cobra Commander sighed. "Somebody stop by the infirmary later and give him the notes of the meeting. Dr. Mindbender?"
"Present," He held up his hand.
"Zartan, Zarana, Zandar…" Cobra Commander read.
"We're all here!" Torch waved. The Dreadnoks were in the room as well.
"And I can smell that you've brought the Dreadnoks with you," Cobra Commander sighed. "The Crimson Guard Twins?"
"Present," Xamot and Tomax spoke at the same time.
"Last and certainly least…Cadet Demming," Cobra Commander read. He looked at the blonde Crimson Guard Cadet. "Why are you here?"
"The Twins brought me," Cadet Demming said.
"Ask a stupid question," Cobra Commander gave a look to the Twins. "Why did you bring her here? This is a meeting for senior command only!"
"You allow Zartan to bring his Dreadnoks here," Tomax pointed out.
"And at least Cadet Demming bathes," Xamot said briskly.
"Not to mentions she's a lot easier on the eyes," Destro rubbed his chin. The Baroness glared at him and hit him on the shoulder. "What?"
"They do have a few good points," Cobra Commander thought. "All right! She can't be any worse than the brain trust over there." He pointed to the Dreadnoks.
"Where?" Ripper looked around.
"Let's get started shall we?" Cobra Commander sighed. "All right the first order of business is that we go over the budget for our weapons program."
"We don't have a budget for our weapons program," The Baroness gave him a look.
"That's why we need to go over it," Cobra Commander explained. "More specifically we don't have any more money to fund it!"
"When you say weapons do you mean living weapons, nuclear missiles, gas, explosives or whatever?" Mindbender asked. "Because my department could use more money for research."
"See this is the heart of the matter," Cobra Commander said. "Each of you has gone way over budget which is why we're broke. Mindbender you for example spend twice as much as any other staff member in Cobra!"
"That's because I do twice as much work!" Mindbender protested. "There's the Robotics Lab, the Genetics Lab, the Poison Gas Lab, my Dentist's Office…"
"Dentist's office?" Cadet Demming blinked.
"Before the good doctor saw the dark he used to be a dentist," Destro explained.
"Yes and I still am," Dr. Mindbender said. "I alone am personally responsible for the oral health of nearly everyone in Cobra. Which reminds me Zartan, your Dreadnoks are way overdue for a checkup!"
"How overdue?" Zartan asked.
"Five years," Dr. Mindbender gave him a look. "I would have said something sooner but I needed time to stock up enough rope, Novocain and straightjackets for the job. I learned my lesson from their last visit!"
"Okay the Dentist part I can understand," Cobra Commander interrupted. "And robotics and poison gas I know you need to stay on top of things but your genetics lab…Explain this expense! Twenty million for health insurance and death benefits?"
"You know even in the best run labs there are bound to be accidents," Dr. Mindbender told him. "An irradiated lab assistant here, a mutated animal mauling a few soldiers there, a cyborg prototype trying to reclaim his humanity gets loose and wrecks a few dozen things…a couple limbs flying around due to sharp…"
"We get the idea Mindbender," The Baroness held up her hand.
"Well can't you use synthoids?" Zartan asked. "Those fake clone people Cobra sometimes uses as soldiers and spies."
"I tried that. They kept melting," Dr. Mindbender groaned. "They just can't take much punishment under pressure. Not to mention some of my test subjects really got cranky when they took a bite out of them."
"You must admit my Dear Cobra Commander that synthoids are not exactly the most reliable of resources Cobra has," Destro pointed out.
"Look who's talking," The Baroness growled.
"Synthoids aren't all bad," Cobra Commander fidgeted. "They're renewable and useful."
"They're useful for cutting down the payroll budget that's for sure," Destro agreed. "Mindbender just keep trying with the synthoids."
"Oh all right," Mindbender sighed. "But don't complain to me when we go over budget for dry cleaning. Have you ever tried to get a synthoid out of your cape or lab coat? It's not pretty."
"Neither is the Baroness but we put up with her anyway," Cadet Demming quipped.
"Why you little…" The Baroness shot up.
"Sit down Baroness!" Cobra Commander ordered. "This is no time to go flying off the handle over every little comment. No matter how close to the mark they are!"
"Speaking of flying," Destro decided to get back on track. "Crimson Guard Commanders what is this bill for a ten million dollar private jet?"
"We need it to impress our clients," They both said defensively.
"Do you also need a fifteen thousand dollar bed in the jet to impress your clients?" The Baroness asked. She shot a look at Cadet Demming. "Oh of course, you do. Makes things easier for your whore to entertain."
"Look who's talking you loveless harpy," Cadet Demming shot up.
"What did you call me?" The Baroness shot up and readied her fist.
"You heard me you four eyed cow!" The Cadet Demming snarled.
"Take that back you blond bimbo pig!" The Baroness snarled. "Or should I say Miss Piggy!"
"Why you little…" Cadet Demming screeched but was held back by Xamot and Tomax. "Let me at her! Let me at her!"
"Don't you interfere Destro!" Destro was holding the Baroness back with all his might. "I want to yank her hair out by the brown roots!"
"At least I don't have gray hairs!" Cadet Demming snapped.
"Okay heads I break this up," Cobra Commander held a coin in his hand and flipped it. "Tails I just let them kill each other. Damn, it's heads. Maybe two out of three…"
"ENOUGH!" Destro yelled. "BOTH OF YOU SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"
"We're sitting! We're sitting!" Xamot and Tomax said quickly as they sat down.
"NOT YOU! THE WOMEN!" Destro yelled. "YOU LADIES AND I USE THE TERM RELCUTANTLY SIT DOWN AND BEHAVE YOURSELVES!"
"And they thought we were gonna be trouble during this meeting," Torch snickered to Buzzer.
"Yeah we're being good!" Monkeywrench nodded.
"Yes you are boys," Zartan said in a patronizing tone. "And if you keep behaving yourselves I'll take you out for ice cream."
Torch obviously didn't understand the concept of sarcasm. "YAY! ICE CREAM!"
"Can we please continue the meeting before my will to live is completely destroyed?" Destro moaned.
"Fine. This comes down to our fund raising activities," Cobra Commander sighed. "Basically we don't have any."
"Extensive Enterprises…" Xamot said.
"Contributes more than…" Tomax added.
"Twelve Billion dollars a year to Cobra," Both said at the same time.
"And yet more than half of that amount somehow ends up back to the Crimson Guard," Mindbender mocked. "Refresh my memory, who refurbished the Crimson Guard Training facility with marble floors, a brand new cafeteria that serves lobster, a swimming pool and solid gold toilets in the men's room?"
"We did not install solid gold toilets in the men's room," Xamot bristled.
"Yeah they put it in the ladies' room!" Cadet Demming snapped. "Shows how much you know!"
"Dear you are not helping," Xamot coughed.
"I believe we have found the leak in our finances," Destro grumbled.
"Yes and someone should plug her," The Baroness glared at Cadet Demming.
"Go ahead and try you moo cow!" Cadet Demming snarled as she stood up.
"Greasy pig!" The Baroness shouted as she stood up.
"Here we go again," Cobra Commander sighed. He stood between them. "Look ladies as much as I…"
"SHUT UP COBRA COMMANDER!" Both women shouted at the same time. They went to hit each other but ended up hitting Cobra Commander in the head. To the women's horror it seemed as if they moved his neck into an inhuman angle.
"Oh crap…" Cobra Commander sputtered. Then he turned into a pile of gray goop and melted to the floor.
"Oh no! Oh no!" Cadet Demming squealed. "We killed him!"
"If only," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "That is not the real Cobra Commander you brainless twit! It's a synthoid!"
"I told him those things were too unstable to take any real punishment," Doctor Mindbender shook his head.
"But if that's a synthoid…Where's the real Cobra Commander?" Zarana asked. "Not that I really care but…"
"How much you wanna bet he's hiding in his room watching porn again?" Torch remarked.
"I don't bloody believe he'd do something like that," Zarana blinked. "No wait, yes I do."
"What kind of irresponsible maniac uses a synthoid to get out of going to a meeting?" Destro groaned. "And why the hell didn't I think of it myself?"