The double doors haunted him as doctors pushed through them only to be hidden when they shut. He wanted nothing more than to be able to walk through them himself, yet he knew once he did, he'd want to turn around and walk back out. Sure, his curiosity was pushing him towards knowing and find out more but there was a funny thing about knowledge: it often meant knowing things one had no interest in ever finding out. Once he knew her fate, he'd never be able to go back in time to a place where he didn't. It'd be in his engrained in his brain and that's where it'd stay forever. There was no rewind button.
He almost wished he didn't know what had happened at all, even if it meant he couldn't spend what could be her last hours breathing the same air. His life has been uncomplicated, or as uncomplicated as it could be, before her mother called him this afternoon. At first he thought it was some sick joke because it happened to be April fools day, but that assumption went out the window when Millie Rose, the strongest woman he'd ever met, started sobbing into the receiver.
He was here now and he knew what had happened. A bottle of pills. A few bottles of wine. The two items seemed almost harmless before today, the threat of them mixing only in stories teachers told to kids to scare them into staying in their houses forever. But the threat was real and she knew that. She knew what'd happen. Was it her intention? He wasn't sure.
Maybe she'd gotten confused. Maybe she started drinking by herself and gotten so drunk she couldn't think straight. The pills had only been used to treat a headache, a severe one.
The excuses kept coming as he sat there with his head in his hands. Excuses. That's all they were. Stories he'd made himself believe so the reality didn't seem so bad. They weren't true. She knew damn well what she was doing. But still. Maybe it had been an accident. Maybe she really didn't know.
Ryder lifted his head, revealing his red, puffy eyes to the world. He didn't care if they thought he was weak. In fact, he didn't care about much anymore. All he cared about was the girl in the other room who was trying to let go when so many people were trying to make her hold on.
One more day. That's what he'd told her a few weeks ago when she told him how much she hated her life. Just one more day. It'd get better. Life always did find ways to work itself out. Nobody could be sad forever. Just promise. One more day.
He should've paid more attention. He knew what she was going through but he remained adamant on trying to discover who his catfish was instead of focusing on her. And when he finally did find out, he made Marley feel like shit about it. She knew all along who it was. He had a right to be mad, a right to yell. But it didn't seem worth it anymore.
"It's not your fault" Jake kept saying as he patted Ryder's back. But Ryder knew better because it was his fault.
"I knew." Ryder choked out as he once again put his head in his hands. "She told me. I knew."
The tears came out like he imagined Noah's flood happened. He'd always been told that the reason for the flood was that people were selfish. God was only trying to punish those who were too selfish to acknowledge his gifts. Was Ryder selfish? Is that why things got so screwed up so fast?
"She didn't tell you." Unique offered, only adding to the grief in Ryder's head.
Ryder sniffled but the tears remained on his face as he looked up at unique. "And then you come out and say you're Katie and I yelled at her. Why'd I yell at her?"
Ryder knew that he should be the one comforting his best friend, aka Marley's boyfriend, but he couldn't think straight. It couldn't be real. He'd wake up soon and realize it was all just a dream.
"You had a right to be mad, dude." Jake continued. "You have the worst luck. I stole Marley. Katie ends up being a dude..."
Unique coughed and butted in. "Unique is a girl at heart."
"Yeah but you're a dude where it counts." Jake responded, pointing to the girl's pants. "And that's fine. Not the point."
Ryder rolled his eyes and looked around the room. If only she could see how many people truly loved her; that she was never as alone as she felt. Maybe if he just tried to show her more, if he'd taken more time out of his day to show her she was special. Would she have done what she did?
Everyone was wiping their tears and sniffling as they waited to hear some news, any news. The not knowing was the worst part. Was she ok? Was she not? They all prayed and they all hoped but Ryder wasn't sure if any of that would help.
Being raised religious, he was always taught that if you were good, god would have mercy on you. But then why had his babysitter done what she did? Why was he dyslexic? Why did marley feel the need to give up everything like she had?
Maybe she didn't know, he reminded himself. Maybe it was an accident.
"I'm heading out." Kitty approached them, offering her hand out for Ryder to grab. "Want a ride home?"
Ryder looked at her for a few minutes before shaking his head firmly. "I think I'll just stay here tonight. You know, make sure Millie is alright."
Kitty sighed. "Look, I know we've had our differences but I still care about you. Promise me you'll sleep?"
Ryder nodded his head and watched as she left. How was she so calm? She always was. Not like Marley. Not like him. The two of them were always freaking out about something, whether it was as simple as a history test or some juicy gossip one had heard about the other.
Marley always found a way to make Ryder feel better, even if the rumor mill relentlessly tore him down. The only time she really didn't was when people found out about unique being Katie, his love interest. That was only because he wouldn't let her though. But how did she expect him to let her in after what she did?
Because she did it for him. After he had kissed her after Valentine 's Day, they had been weird. She hardly talked to him and he couldn't even blame her. He messed up. But she forgave him and let him back in like it was the easiest thing in the world. Why couldn't he just do the same thing?
Because he loved her. Trusting her again would just lead him down the same road that always led to her picking Jake. He'd never get over her if she made it a point to always be there for him. He ignored her to protect himself. At least for a while, until he could look at her without fantasizing about her lips on his.
"You should really head home." Mrs.. Rose said as she walked up to Jake and Ryder. It was 4 in the morning. Ryder had been there for 10 hours already. "I appreciate you staying but your parents must be worried."
Jake nodded his head and stood up but Ryder stayed seated as he shook his head. "It's fine, really."
"You haven't slept in almost 24 hours." Mille pointed out as she held out her hand for him to grab. "I'll call you to let you know if anything happens."
Ryder sadly took her hand. She wasn't lying. He was exhausted. But how could he sleep at a time like this? He followed Jake out of the hospital and towards his car. They had both left basketball practice early and come to the hospital together. Ryder had driven earlier because Jake had been a mess. Now it was Ryder who was getting into the passenger seat.
"Do you think she ever really chose me?" Jake asked as he pulled in front of Ryder's house. Ryder looked up from his lap and gave Jake a questioning look. "I mean, you were always there for her."
"She chose you, though." Ryder pointed out as he started playing with his fingers in his lap. "She didn't want me like she wanted you."
"Yeah but I... Never mind." Jake finished and Ryder could only nod his head and get out of the car. He left without saying anything else. What could he say?
But was what Jake had said true? Did she only pick Jake because unlike Ryder, Jake was unpredictable? Was she counting on Ryder to be there later when Jake had moved on? Maybe she did think like that but Ryder didn't understand why. Mostly because he knew it was true.
In thirty years, if Marley came up to him and told him she loved him, he could imagine himself divorcing his wife for her. Honestly though, he was praying that she would be his wife anyway. But that might not be possible anymore. She could be gone. He wasn't ready for that.
He could hear footsteps coming down the hallway as he started to approach the stairs. His mom and dad came into view but he really didn't want to talk to them. What he wanted was to sleep, or at least try to. Besides, they didn't know Marley. She'd come over a few times but they had been too busy to officially say anything other than a simple "hello" to her. Shaking his head in their direction, he slowly made his way upstairs.
"Ryder, talk to us." His dad pleaded as they too began to walk up the steps. Ryder turned around furiously with his fists clenched. "How is she?"
"How is she?" Ryder repeated lowly, his eyes becoming a darker shade of brown. He was pissed off, though he reason for it wasn't entirely known. Truly he wasn't pissed at his parents. But sometimes he just hated them and this was one of those times. "I don't fucking know, dad. I don't know anything and I don't even see why you care. You never liked her."
"Now, Ryder…" His mom started but Ryder cut her off.
"Don't talk to me like I'm five! If he really cared about her, or me for that matter, he'd have gone to the hospital 10 fucking hours ago when this all happened." He turned and continued walking up the steps. "It's fucked up." He muttered finally before turning and walking towards his bedroom.
He was truly surprised at how exhausted he was but when he got into his room he no longer wanted to sleep. Instead he walked over to his desk and turn on his computer, hoping to see some update from her mom. Maybe she had finally woken up.
The only things on Facebook were statuses people had made about how they hoped Marley would be ok, how much of a great person she was and that they were praying for her. Fuck them. He decided. They didn't even know her. All they were doing was trying to get more likes than anyone else.
Ryder knew her and Ryder knew them. They make you think you're their friends and then they stab you in the back as if it's nothing. They talk about you when you're not around, only to gossip with you about someone else when you are. They're losers. Nothing but Lima losers.
But Marley didn't realize that. She thought they were gods; that everything they said was true and everything they did was majestic. She didn't understand that when they called her fat, they were just jealous of how thin she was. She didn't realize that when they called her a slut, they were just upset that Jake had changed for her. They were just jealous. But Marley never got that. Marley never knew. And now she was on a hospital bed.
Before Ryder could comprehend what had happened, he was thrown into a sleep with dreams revolving around Marley. His memories of her being happy, sad, and excited swept through and even through his sleep, he smiled. He loved her. He loved when she was happy. He loved when she came to him when she was sad. He loved that she needed him and he loved that he needed her.
But his dreams changed and darkness and fear took over. She wasn't herself. She was sick, pale as a ghost and lifeless. The hospital room was black and dark, filled with spiders and wasps. A wire fell out of her arm but nobody was around to put it back in. He'd put it back in. But the more steps he took, the farther away she became. Flat line. He screamed. There was nothing to do. He couldn't help her. He couldn't save her. Not now and not ever.
Ryder woke up with a jolt, somehow finding the floor. Groaning, he looked up to see he had fallen asleep at his desk. Even though the curtains were closed, sun was shining through them lighting up the room in a way Ryder didn't appreciate. How could the sun be shining at a time like this? In movies when bad things happen it's always raining and thundering. There's never a day of sun until everything gets better.
Had it gotten better? Is that what God or whoever was trying to tell him?
Quickly, he got up and fought against the lightheaded feeling that came. When was the last time he ate? He wasn't sure. But he didn't care. His phone was lying on the bed. Mrs. Rose had said shed call with news; good or bad. And now he had one missed call. From Mrs. Rose.
The answer was right in front of him, waiting for him to call up his voicemail and type in his password. That's all he had to do. But his fingers wouldn't move because he knew there was only two ways this conversation could go. She lived or she died. There was a 50-50 shot and he wasn't sure he was ready to take it. He needed someone there to hold his hand and it was always Marley.
He wanted Marley there with him always, as a friend or whatever she wanted. But she couldn't be here now because she was in the hospital. Whether she was in a private room or the morgue was still undetermined. But did he want to know?
At least now he could convince himself that she'd be alright. He could convince himself that she hadn't meant to hurt herself, that it had been an accident. So far, the answers to his questions were easy because he was making them up. Was she alright? She would be. Did she mean to try to kill herself? Of course not. Hard questions with easy answers.
But he typed in his password and put his phone up to his ear. He couldn't put it off forever. As he started to run a hand through his hair, Mrs. Rose's voice filled his ears. She sounded exhausted and I'm sure she looked worse.
"Ryder, I'm so sorry you have to go through this." Mrs. Rose started and Ryder felt his heart drop. "You've been such a wonder friend to Marley and I owe you a lot for that."
He shut his eyes in an attempt to stop listening. But he couldn't take his phone away from his ear. He was too far into the message now. His heart was beating rapidly and he wondered if somewhere, Marley's was too. He hoped so.
"The thing is she was a lot worse before she met you." He heard Mrs. Rose sniffle a little and he put his hand to his head. When he got rid of his headache, he'd go over and see her regardless if what it is she had to say. She needed someone and quite honestly, so did he. "I didn't think she'd make it through the year but you made her feel special. You made her feel like she could be anything."
Ryder nodded his head but refused to smile. Marley was so beautiful and talented. Of course she could do anything she wanted to. She could be anything. But Ryder couldn't smile because he just realized something about Mrs. Rose's words.
Past tense. You've been. She was. You made.
They were all in the past tense.
"She loved you, you know? Maybe not in the way you wanted but she did nonetheless." Ryder shut his eyes as he felt new tears start to form. They had begun to cloud his vision. Why was she using the past tense? Marley was fine. "She'd come him on the days you talked to her with a smile in her face and shed cry on the days you didn't. I was just as surprised as you when she picked Jake."
Ryder nodded his head as he remembered the day in the cafeteria. It was the day after he found out about Marley and Jake and he looked miserable. Mrs. Rose had given him about ten extra meatballs that day. It didn't make him feel better so much as it made him feel like a pig, but he still ate them all.
"He's a good boy, though." She finished her thought and Ryder nodded his head. It was true. Jake had really changed when he met Marley and in Ryder's eyes he deserved her. Ryder just wished he could find someone half as awesome ad Marley was. Is. As Marley is. "Look, I just wanted to tell you that Marley is..."
Ryder shut his phone as a waterfall of tears escaped his eyes. He didn't want to know. Not like that. Not now. He threw his phone across the room and looked at the clock. 9. He had slept for a good 4 hours. Or at least he thought he did. He wasn't sure. He didn't even remember falling asleep.
"Ryder, honey?" His mom asked quietly as she opened the door. She stopped and looked at him before a sympathetic frown found its way to her face. Quickly, she reached out for the boy and held him close. "It's alright, honey. It's going to be ok."
"She can't be gone, mom." He choked out as he pulled away and wiped his eyes. "She's everything to me. She can't be gone."
Mrs. Lynn opened her mouth before she thought otherwise and shut it. "Have you talked to Millie?"
"I listened to her voicemail." Ryder mumbled weakly, turning to see where in the room his phone landed. "But I threw it when it got to the end. I don't want to know."
Mrs. Lynn nodded her head and brushed some of her son's hair away from his face. "She called the house too, you know. I told her you were sleeping and her and I talked for a while. She's so grateful to you and what you did for Marley."
Ryder sniffled. "I did what you taught me to do." He licked his lips and wiped his eyes once more. If it was only 9, he could still make it to school by third period. But then a thought. "You talked to Mrs. Rose?"
"Yes and she talked to your dad down at the hospital." Mrs. Lynn said, as she directed Ryder to the bed and say down next to him. "What you said last night wasn't fair."
"I know." Ryder countered quickly, too caught up in the first part to even acknowledge that he had been rude to his dad. "Did she say anything? Is Marley alright? Did she... Did she die?" He whispered the last sentence. The words sounded harsh and therefore couldn't be spoken too loudly.
"She's awake." Mrs. Lynn said with a small smile on her face. Ryder breathed in a fresh breath of air and fell backwards onto his mattress. He couldn't help but smile as the news sunk in. "Your dad is down there and I think your chorus teacher is down there as well."
"Mr. Schue?" Ryder asked with a smile as he stood up and grabbed a pair of sneakers. "What about Mrs. Rose?"
"She's in our guest room." Mrs. Lynn answered as she watched her son move frantically around the room. "You better let me drive you. You look exhausted."
But Ryder was already out the bedroom door, sprinting down the stairs. No way was he waiting another second to hear her beautiful voice and see her gorgeous face.
He'd be better. He'd make sure she knew this time around. No longer would she feel like she didn't have anyone else. She wasn't going to try this again if Ryder had anything to say about it.
But maybe it was just an accident, he reminded himself. Maybe.
So I wrote this on my iPhone first so I'm sorry if the formatting is screwed up. Also, you should know that I had absolutely no intention of keeping Marley alive. In fact, I had no intention of telling you whether she was alive or dead because I didn't want the story to be about Marley. I wanted it to be about Ryder. But then I got annoyed with myself so I kept her alive. Haha. Turns out I can only ever kill off Ryder.
For those of you asking, 'Carry On' is going to start being updated regularly on the first Wednesday OR Thursday in July. I'm not sure why, but Wednesday seems like a good day. It's just, that might be impossible because I'm driving down to Disney that day… So if it's not up that Wednesday, then it'll be up on the Thursday. :)
Thanks for reading this one shot. Please Review!