AU: I started this fic before Hydra and the identity of the Clairvoyant were revealed. Therefore, this fic references Centipede and as far as I can remember there is no reference to John Garrett, nor is Ward Hydra. I started this a really long time ago, and only finished it in September last year (reposting from my Ao3 account), so enjoy!
Disclaimer: This fic is heavily influenced by Dear Natasha but it isn't plagiarised in any way.
May 19th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
You're probably gonna find this letter one day and scold me for saying this, but you're beautiful. Even now. You know better than anyone that I'm rubbish with words outside of scientific and mathematical jargon, but I'm trying. You've still got blood on your head, so... sorry about that. They've been too busy fighting to save you, honestly, and I've only been here a few minutes. I'd try and clean you up, but I'm scared that you'll break if I touch you.
I don't know why I'm writing a letter. It's not like I'm ever gonna send it to you. I've been at your side since they let me see you for the first time and I don't plan on leaving just yet, so it's not like I'd need to post it. Sorry, I'm rambling.
I never thought we'd be here. You, comatose with machines keeping you alive. Me, actually writing a damn letter. My mum's been asking me to write for ages, and you seem to get the first priority. Then again, she's not... in this situation. She can wait, for now.
I really am rambling now. I'm gonna stop. Just get better, alright? You'll get better. We don't really know the extent of your injuries yet, but I know that you'll be okay. You have to be.
May 20th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
You're still sleeping, and you're just... the same. Stable though, so I'm not really gonna complain. I guess you already know that. That is if you've got some state of consciousness, which isn't really likely. I like to think that you can hear me when I talk to you, but just in case you can't, I like to write it down as well.
I wish you'd just sit up and say something, even if it's just to tell me I'm being pathetic and I should get back to the lab. I'm here as much as I can be... I don't like the thought of you being all on your own, it doesn't feel right. Do you remember when they tried to separate us, back at the academy? You were in pieces and my anxiety got a lot worse. We need each other. Do you remember that one time at the academy, when we went out with some of the others and you started calling me the yin to your yang when we were drunk? I guess that proves that you're not far off being right.
Don't be scared when I'm not here, okay? I don't want you to be scared at all. All I want you to do is focus on getting better, and keeping yourself alive. I don't like seeing you like this, none of us do. The doctor shone a light into your eyes earlier, but they've lost their spark. I know that you're still in there, Jemma. Whether you can hear me or not.
June 4th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
We're back on the Bus, but it doesn't really feel right without you. A piece of the team is missing, and all of us are feeling the loss. Ward punches harder, May is quieter, Coulson holes himself up in his office most of the time and Skye doesn't have that spring in her step anymore. Apparently they were thinking of sending in a replacement for you, but I hope to God that they don't. You're my lab partner, no one else.
I talk to you all the time in the lab, just out of habit. It's actually comforting, but I try not to do it if someone else is there. I don't want them thinking I've lost it.
June 15th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
The first time I visited your room at the academy, I can remember being really surprised. Sure, you had a lot of biochem stuff everywhere, but there were so many posters about astronomy. Constellations, the planets (I don't care what you say, Pluto'll always be a planet to me)... I was amazed. You even had a little poster about all the star signs, and the common traits associated with them. What are you doing right now? Are you dreaming about the stars?
Don't go too far, Jem.
June 25th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
Today, Skye found the letters I've been writing to you. She was respectful, didn't read any. As soon as she found the box and I told her what was inside, she immediately put it back. She wrote you a letter of her own, it's short. It literally just says:
Dear Simmons,
Hi. Come back soon, I miss your tea. Fitz sucks at making it.
-Skye
I don't 'suck' at making tea, do I? If you were here now, I know that you'd be lying (badly, sorry), or comforting me. That's just what you do, you comfort people. I miss you so much, Jemma. What I wouldn't give for us to spend a lazy day together, just like we used to.
June 30th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
I really need you to wake up now, because there's just so much left unsaid between us. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I think I might have loved you. In more than just a 'best friends' way. I still remember that terrible game of spin the bottle we played at the academy one night with a few friends, and when it landed on me, and then you. Funnily enough I was a bit too drunk to remember the actual kiss. I'm not sure if it was you or the alcohol, but I know that you were staring at my lips for the rest of the night. And that you took any opportunity to get closer to me. It was probably the alcohol.
After you jumped out of the Bus to save us all (I don't think I'm quite over that yet), I had a dream about you and I. We were older, we were like normal people. We had a house Jem, and the most beautiful baby girl. I don't remember much else aside from the fact that you kissed me, and I woke up like some kind of stupid Sleeping Beauty. All bitterness aside, that was the best dream I've ever had.
Would you want that? Marriage, a house, a baby?
I'm getting ahead of myself here. I think that this is one of the letters that I'll never let you see when you wake up.
July 15th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
Happy birthday! 27, already? Slow down Grandma, I'm not there yet.
I really want to do something for you today, but there isn't a lot I can do. I'm sitting with you now, so I hope that you're aware of me at least being here on your birthday.
Have I told you yet that your parents are here? I'm so, so sorry it took us so long to get in touch with them. I don't know why it happened. They're annoyed that they didn't know, but what matters is that they're here now.
I brought flowers with me. White lillies, I know they're your favourite.
July 19th, 2014
It's been two months now. Two whole months. I'm so sorry that we let Centipede take you.
I'm so, so sorry about what I'm going to say next. Centipede were using you as a test subject, you know that alerady, but they injected you with some kind of variant of what they've been using on other subjects. You had an almost immediate reaction. We finally got some results from the medical testing yesterday... when you wake up (I refuse to say if), there's a high chance you'll be brain-damaged.
It's not fair. It's just not fair. You don't deserve this, Jemma, you're probably the least deserving person I know. You don't have a bad bone in your body. You're the sweetest, most gentle person I know... why does it have to be you? Why couldn't it have been me?
Please wake up.
August 1st, 2014
Dear Jemma,
I've been thinking a bit more about what I said before, about maybe being in love with you. I know you too well, Jemma. Someone like you would never want to get tied down with a husband, a house, let alone a baby. You're a woman that lives to work. I remember you having a scare back at the academy, and even after the test came back negative you cried your eyes out as I held you. You'd had a one-night stand, which is probably the most uncharacteristic thing you've ever done, to be frank. But I'm not going to judge you, you know I'd never do that.
I'm never going to show you this letter. You'll never love me in the way I think I might love you. We're best friends, and trying anything else would only ruin what we already have.
So... in a 'best friends' way with absolutely no romantic feeling attached: I love you.
August 15th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
Guess who just went out in the field? And guess who just took down Centipede, and took the Clairvoyant into custody? If you're wanting to know who the Clairvoyant is, you're out of luck. Sorry, Jem. If you needed an incentive to wake up - consider this to be it.
It was a hard mission, it was about five days before we got back on the Bus. We're all okay - the worst of the injuries were Coulson's bullet graze and my twisted ankle. I'm absolutely fine, so don't you go worrying.
We're all very tired, we were just debriefed. I'll come visit you tomorrow if I can, right now I just want to finish this letter and collapse into bed.
Before I forget, I just wanted to tell you that in case you don't know, your parents had to go home. Just for a while, but they'll be back very soon. I promise. Don't be upset, you've still got me. You'll always have me. Yin and yang, remember?
September 12th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
I've been spending more time away from everyone else recently, just tinkering with the dwarves and trying to make them more combat-friendly. I know that you never wanted them weaponised, so I'm sorry about that. Skye's been sitting with me a lot. Most of the time we don't talk, she sits down on her laptop and I just continue with my work. It's nice to have the company, actually. The lab feels really weird without you.
Does she talk to you when she visits? Skye, I mean. I wasn't even aware that I wasn't the only one still visiting you. I know it's been nearly four months now, but you're my best friend. I don't want you to be on your own. Skye's still writing letters, I don't know if she told you about that.
She doesn't just write letters, she leaves little notes for me in my bunk or in the lab. I've just now started leaving them back. They don't really say much, just random trivia or a thought. Did you know that all of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20? Remember when we watched that together? I was appalled when you told me you hadn't seen it.
As I said before... it's been four months now. Jemma, I really need you to wake up. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, and I know that everybody else does too. Nothing feels the same anymore.
October 2nd, 2014
Dear Jemma,
Skye and I went out for coffee earlier. It wasn't a date, but it was the most fun I've had in months.
October 31st, 2014
Dear Jemma,
Happy Halloween! I know how much you love Halloween, so I hate the fact that we can't celebrate right now. Oh, well. Next year, right? As you can probably imagine not many people really got into the spirit, but Skye and I went to see you together. That's the first time in a very, very long time I've visited with someone else. We mostly just sat and chatted about whatever came to mind, then we got into telling stories (a lot of which involved you) and I damn near cried laughing.
Did you honestly tell Agent Sitwell that he had a nice head? That's the funniest thing you've ever done since you sneezed on the Faraday cup.
November 5th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
We've been a bit busier lately, which is why I haven't visited in a few days. I'll come down as soon as I can, okay? Try not to miss me too much.
Who am I kidding? You probably aren't even aware of my presence. As scientists we try not to cling to what we know is false hope, as harsh as it sounds. When you wake up, it'll be just like you blacked out and woke up again. You aren't conscious in any way.
Well, when you wake up, I'll talk to you about everything that's happened. I'll fill you in, and I'll tell you that I came to see you all the time. That's what best friends do.
Even if you really are brain-damaged like they think, it won't matter. You'll still be Jemma, and we'll still be Fitzsimmons.
December 25th, 2014
Dear Jemma,
Merry Christmas! I bought you a present, so you can open it when you wake up. I brought it over before and left it on the bedside table. I'm not telling you what it is, you'll have to wake up and find out.
Please don't be offended, but things are slowly getting back to normal. Slowly. The dynamic everybody had is coming back, but it's still not the same without you. We're all going out for dinner later, we've decided to stick together this year.
One of the main reasons why I haven't gone home for Christmas is because I don't want to leave you on your own. Nobody should be alone on Christmas Day.
December 31st, 2014
Dear Jemma,
I'm so, so sorry I'm not there to spend New Years' Eve with you. Skye's organised a party for us all on the Bus. It's weird, because I've never seen everybody look so happy and at ease. May's laughing and joking with Coulson, and even Ward looks a lot less serious than usual. I don't know how Skye managed to install some emotions into our robot (bad joke, sorry), but she did a good job.
I'll think of you at midnight. I don't know about you, but I always make a wish. I think you know what I'm planning on wishing for.
January 1st, 2015
Dear Jemma,
Something happened.
January 7th, 2015
Dear Jemma,
I kissed Skye at midnight.
January 14th, 2015
Dear Jemma,
I'm so sorry I haven't seen you for a week. My head's a bit of a mess after Skye and I kissed at midnight. It felt natural and just... I don't know. Right, I guess. Like how they'd describe it in those stupid cheesy romance novels you pretend to hate (I found your stash, sorry).
I don't quite know how I feel about Skye. She's always been there for me, even before all of this happened. We've been having so much fun together lately, I don't know if I've ever felt like this before in my life. I was starting to get confused over my feelings a few months ago, around Halloween. I feel awful for it, but the entire time we were there with you I couldn't take my eyes off her. She's got this amazing way of telling stories, she keeps you hanging off her every word and I love it.
I'm not calling it love. It's just... something.
The nurses let me brush your hair today, by the way. It reminded me of the time you sprained your wrist at the academy and I did your hair for you. That's probably one of the oddest things you've ever asked me to do, but I weirdly liked it. It was really tangled, but it's so much better now. Hope I didn't pull too much.
January 21st, 2015
Dear Jemma,
You're getting worse. The doctors are losing hope.
They want to turn off life support. I promise I won't let them do that. I believe in you, Jem. I know you can get through this.
You and I both know it'll take a lot more than this to bring you down.
January 22nd, 2015
Dear Jemma,
Your parents have been spending a lot more time with you, so I've kept my distance a bit. I've missed seeing you, but they're your parents. They need privacy and alone time with you.
I've been spending more time with Skye instead. We're figuring out how we feel. It seems like it's a long, lengthy process. Relationships are so complicated. But we kissed again, and it was just as amazing as the first time.
I don't know why I'm telling you this.
January 23rd, 2015
Dear Jemma,
You can't leave me, Jemma. You can't. This isn't right, it's not fair. You're my best friend in the entire world.
January 24th, 2015
Dear Jemma,
You're too young to die.
January 25th, 2015
Dear Jemma,
They're going to turn it off.
January 26th, 2015
Dear Jemma,
I'm so, so sorry.
January 27th, 2015
Dear Jemma,
I was there with your parents when they
(Letter left unfinished.)
February 5th, 2015
Dear Jemma,
You left us forever nine days ago. We wanted to have your funeral sooner, but Sci Ops had to run tests. I'm so sorry. I didn't want them to. You deserve to just be at peace now. I hope you are.
There were so many people at your funeral. Hundreds and hundreds of people, Jem. The team, your family, people from the academy, your friends... it was packed. You touched so many lives, that's just how incredible and amazing you were.
I spoke. I just want you to know that. Telling everybody about everything we'd been through and what you mean to me felt so personal, I almost couldn't finish. But Skye came up and helped me. She held my hand, and told me that it was okay. It wasn't, but for a second it almost felt like it was. As you can imagine your funeral was very hard for everyone. It was just so, so sad. It was happy in some parts, people smiled at a funny story your dad told from when you were a toddler. They do say that funerals are supposed to be a celebration of life, and you lived one of the most amazing lives possible.
I miss you. I miss you so, so much. I can remember the last conversations we had, the last time you smiled, the last time I made you laugh. It hurts so much, I can only imagine how your parents must feel.
Please don't worry about anybody. We all love you so much, Jemma. Have fun up there, I'll see you again one day. I can't promise it'll be anytime soon, in fact, I'd rather it was later. We'll have new stories to share, I'll have lived my life a lot more.
I'm trying not to be sad, because I know that wherever you are now is better than just being kept alive by machines in a hospital bed. Neither of us have ever been religious, but I'm taking comfort in the thought that if there is a heaven, somewhere, you're there right now.
It's not fair. It's just not fair. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You got to achieve so much, but there were still so many things you never got to do. You're young. We're all going to grow old, and you're never going to. You're not allowed to have any more experiences, you're just dead in the ground and I can't stand it.
It's so painful. It feels like a massive part of me has been ripped away, but... I'm going to say goodbye now. It's not forever, because I know that we'll meet again. We have to, but for now...
Goodbye, Jemma.
July 15th, 2020
Dear Jemma,
You came into the world today. Same day as your Auntie Jemma, can you believe that? One day I'll tell you all about her.
Sleep tight, little love.