Author's Note: After reading God knows how many Starfox parodies on this site, I got this idea for a fanfiction. Now don't get me wrong; I would love to finally update The Last Dragon, but due to technical difficulties, I'm unable to at the moment. So for now, all I have is utter randomness manifested into a story starring yours truly, my good friend LilixPrismAngel, and two other friends who don't have Fanficition accounts. This is my first attempt at a comedy fanfic, so I hope I didn't completely and utterly screw it up. If I happened to, please be nice about it. I beg of you. As always, flamers will be laughed at and ignored unless there is actual valid constructive criticism somewhere in the review. With that out of the way, enjoy!
Enter the Great Fox
The Great Fox drifted gracefully through empty space. Why? Because it's almost always in space, and it would be a violation of the system, which all of those with OCD have created, to break tradition. It was a lazy day for the elite Starfox Team, having no work to complete, no special task to be accomplished, and worse yet no pay.
Everyone was in the recreation center in attempts to relieve the grueling boredom that loomed over the ship like a dark storm cloud. Fox and Falco sat on a burgundy, leather sofa playing a "friendly" game of Super Smash Bros. Melee. Slippy sat on the cheap, blue carpet watching them mutter death threats to each other with each knockout they received. He wasn't allowed to play on any type of electronic gaming device due to an event involving evil robot garden gnomes. Krystal sat on a recliner of the same burgundy leather reading a black, hardcover book with the title Fake, British Accents and You.
Fox, an expression of slight irritation and great confusion etched into his face, paused their game and rose from his seat. Falco stared up at him, equally confused.
"What gives, Fox? I was owning you." He asked.
This only earned a waving of the hand from his leader in order to try and shush him.
"Can you hear that?" he asked in a hushed whisper.
Falco quieted down and listened intently. "Hear what? It's quiet." He asked perplexed.
"That," The vulpine answered. "Someone's narrating us."
Slippy finally piped up. "So that wasn't the TV talking to me? And here I thought I was going crazy!" He exclaimed relieved in the annoying, squeaky voice Starfox fanatics worldwide have screamed bloody murder and hidden in dark corners, rocking back and forth in the fetal position whilst muttering about helium addicted frogs upon hearing it.
The other two stared back at him for a few seconds disturbed.
"Welcome back to the Great Fox, Slippy! We've missed you! How was your trip?" Falco finally asked sarcastically.
The lime green toad scowled at this remark.
Fox smirked at this. "Why are we so cruel to Slippy?" he asked more to himself.
"Because the author hates him, and she likes to make fun of him." Falco answered as if everyone knew that.
"Who said I hated Slippy?" the author asked with a nervous chuckle.
As if on cue, the blue falcon pulled out a spontaneously appearing tape recorder from nowhere in particular and pressed play.
"Note to self: I hate Slippy. He serves no real use in Starfox, and I thought he was a girl in Starfox 64." It buzzed out.
Shadow's eyes widened frantically. "Where did you get that!?" she asked shocked.
The avian blinked for a few moments, looking down at the recording device in his hand. "I don't really know." He answered mystified.
Suddenly, the author appeared through a random portal, becoming a white wolf with black ears, forearms, calves, and the tip of the tail. Her eyes were a sharp violet with serpentine pupils. Black dragon horns emerged from brown hair, cut short just above the bottom of the neck, filling the space in between her ears; black dragon wings sprouted from her back and folded neatly. She wore a black Star Trek t-shirt featuring all of the villains from the original series and a man in a red shirt running from them; text at the bottom in the official Star Trek font read "Rule #1: If you're wearing a red shirt…RUN!!!". Dark navy blue jeans and black sneakers covered the rest of her. Her only jewelry was a black wire choker with beaded loops at the front, a silver heart charm dangling from the center.
She rushed up to Falco and attempted to grab the tape recorder from his hand, but the bird lifted his arm up high, making the tape recorder out of reach.
Being short for someone her age, the lupine let out an irritated growl, as she strained to reach the device, ignoring the quiet snickers from the other two. That's when she heard a sound she wished had never entered her ears.
"Ohmygod, this is so cool! I'm like actually in a Starfox thingy!" cried a young vixen.
Her fur was a mahogany hue with a white streak that started at the chin and went all the way down past her stomach. White tipped her tail as well. She had blurry green eyes that scanned everything curiously. Black hair reached just below the neck; a crimson bandana covered the top of her head with the exception of her brown tipped ears that twitched with activity as they picked up the different sounds coming from the ship; a gold ring pierced through one of them. She was clad in a dark red, spaghetti-strap tank top with black Capri pants and floppy, black leather boots that stopped and folded over a little ways above the ankle.
The wolf withdrew her attention from Falco and the tape recorder to the vulpine. She quickly scurried up to her.
"Lilix, how on earth did you get here?" she asked, almost afraid to as she cringed.
Lilix took in a deep breath. "IsneakedintoyourroomtostealyourPS2andIfoundyourportalthingyandIwaslikeohmygodaportalthingy! soItouchedit'causeitlookedcoolandhereIam!" she said at the speed of light. Lilix was the only person on the face of the earth that the wolf knew of that was able to jam an entire phrase of dialogue into a single sentence. Hyper was too light a word to describe her at times.
The three men stared at Lilix with gaping mouths, wide eyes, and heads cocked to the side.
"She's giving Slippy a run for his money." Falco said finally.
Fox nodded silently, mouth still gaped open. He stole a glance at Krystal who was still reading her book. How could she still be reading with all of this going on?
"Krystal, are you even paying attention to what's going on around you?" he asked her.
The cerulean vixen gave no response, her eyes still scanning her book.
Fox gave her a perturbed look.
"Helloooo, Krystal?" he waved a hand in front of her face.
Her nose visibly twitched as she blinked surprised, looking up at Fox curiously as she pulled out an ear plug.
"Yes, Fox?" she inquired innocently.
The vulpine sighed as he rubbed his temples. "Why are you wearing ear plugs?" he asked.
"So I could read."
"Why didn't you just go somewhere quieter?"
"Well, everyone was in here; I didn't want to be left out."
Fox nodded at this, not bothering to question her logic for fear of another strange answer.
"HeyFalcoadistraction!" Shadow shouted pointing behind him.
Sadly, the avian was dumb enough to actually look, and the wolf swiped the tape recorder from his hand.
"Ha! Sucker! Now that I have my tape recorder, I shall disappear into my shroud of mystery!" she shouted triumphantly, although it was a ridiculous site for it to be coming out of the mouth of a Trekkie who writes Starfox fanfictions.
The lupine dragon quickly threw down a lit smoke bomb, once again appearing spontaneously, which was actually a cheap, buy one get one free deal from the only roadside fireworks stand that still sold fireworks well into October. Yellow smoke poured from the yellow pastel globe as Shadow ran in a random direction, unfortunately that headed right into the smoke and she happened to inhale by accident. She was sent into a fit of coughs. The smoke filled the room quickly and everyone was soon coughing and hacking on the yellow smoke.
"I can't breathe! I have asthma!" Shadow wheezed.
"Someone get this smoke out of here!" Krystal hacked.
"ROB, initiate the filters in the rec. center!" Fox coughed into his wrist comm.
ROB made no reply, but soon enough, the smoke began to dissipate and everyone's breathing began to turn to normal.
Shadow had suffered an asthma attack and now lay passed out on the floor.
"Oh my god, Shadow's down!" Slippy cried, "She needs CPR!"
The toad knelt down next to her and bent over to give the wolf a rescue breath, completely and utterly ignoring the fact that you didn't give those until after you checked the victim.
Shadow's eyes shot open at the feeling of someone's lips touching hers and she immediately panicked when she saw who it was. The wolf shoved him off of her forcefully with a scream of being completely grossed out.
"He touched me! The gay frog touched me!!!!" she cried. Her eyes went wide as did everyone else's. "Did I just say that out loud?" she asked in a lower tone.
They all nodded.
"Well then, I'm just going to…" she began uneasily, "bye!" she yipped scampering off through a door and closing it behind her.
"Stupid wolf, that's the closet! Sheesh…" Falco muttered rubbing his forehead.
Author's note: Well, that's it for now, but don't worry! There's plenty more to come! There wasn't as much fall-off-your-chair-laughing comedy as I would have liked, but they'll get funnier; I promise. Until then, why not slip me a review? Couldn't hurt, huh huh? Just to clear things up, yes, I really am a Trekkie. I grew up on Star Trek, and I love every part of that show!