TOW the Road Trip
By Monnie
Disclaimer: I disclaim them. Mmm, I think that covers it.
I know I haven't updated Dawn in forever and a day, but I've been having major writer's block, and I needed a change of pace, so… I wrote a funny little fic. This is kind of a trend amongst a couple people that you might know from Friends-Boards.com, and I decided to hijack the bandwagon and hold all the members hostage while I took their ideas and rummaged around inside their heads. Wait, what?
This is purely for fun, so, anything weird, unusual, or just plain insane occurs, don't take it too seriously, or I'll be forced to make fun of you. Don't say I didn't warn you. Especially since this was written during the wee hours of the morning. Oh, but you CAN, however, review and tell me how funny and hysterical and great and completely random yet uplifting it was. Cause that's half the fun. If you want a continuation, there might be one, but only by request, so, I leave it up to you. Hasta la vista, my babies. xx
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"Mooooom," little Clara Bing squirmed in her seat, and poked the woman in front of her, "I have to pee. Can we stop yet?"
"Claire, sit still, we're almost to the rest stop."
"But Lily took my Starbursts, and Greg keeps poking me. I have to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
"Sit still!" She commanded, and Clara scowled.
"You're as mean as grandma."
Monica Geller hyphen Bing gasped in her chair. "For heaven's sake, Clara Samantha Bing, shut your mouth before I have to get out the Miracle of Life video."
"No! Mom! Anything but that!" Another one of the children in the back, the eldest and most attractive, squeaked and covered her eyes.
"Amy," Clara pouted, and poked the girl, "Make Lily give me back my Starbursts."
"No!" Lily yelled, spilling the bag all over her lap, "I need them for Keith!"
"Who's Keith?" Greg asked, making a weird face.
"My brother!"
"No, I'M your brother."
"No, Keith is my brother. Every week I visit him at the asylum and bring him Starbursts and cigarettes and listen to him talk about corn muffins and Sarah Jessica Parker."
"No you don't."
"Do too."
"Do not."
"Do too."
"DO NOT!"
"DO TOOOOOOOOOO!" Lily flicked Greg on the forehead, and Amy grabbed her arm.
"Lillian, stop touching your brother. You're as bad as that woman who was on the news the other day."
"What woman?"
"You know… the one who has sex with guys who look like – like – Mom, who was that singer guy?"
"Elvis." Monica replied instinctively.
"Yeah, him." Amy smiled, and took the bag of Starbursts from Lily gently.
"No! I NEED THEM!" She unbuckled herself and pounced on her sister, making Clara whine, Monica groan, Chandler, her husband, who was driving, swerve and nearly hit the turkey truck in front of him, and Greg continued to insistently poke everyone.
"KIDS! STOP IT! BEHAVE!" Monica kept yelling, her hand waving about, trying to get the children to sit still. Chandler swerved around another turkey truck, and almost went off the road.
"Will you calm down?" Amy pushed Lily off of her, and back into her seat, just as a third turkey truck came hurdling towards them. Shutting their eyes, they heard the smashing sound of metal hitting concrete, and realized they were all still alive. The turkey truck, however, had overturned, and the birds had escaped, gobbling like – turkeys. Amy groaned.
"What is it NOW?!" She asked, exasperated, and opened the door of the car, while Monica and Chandler continued to get the other kids to stop poking each other and fighting over Starbursts. As Amy approached the scene, the faint sound of the Miracle of Life video was heard amongst anguished screams of terror at the images on the screen. Amy grinned inwardly at her knack for avoiding being put through such terrible torture again. After all, that video makes you never want to have sex. Ever. And that was NOT what Amy wanted.
She walked up to the nearest car, just as the driver of the turkey truck emerged. He looked vaguely familiar, but she couldn't place the face. After a moment of staring at him, a police car pulled up.
"What is going on here?" The officer asked, emerging from his vehicle and approaching the two people who were still staring at each other. "I said, what is going on here?" He received no response. "Hello?" Still nothing. "OY! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP LOOKING LIKE VEGETABLES FOR ONE SECOND AND TELL ME WHAT THE HELL ALL THESE TURKEYS ARE DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSTATE HIGHWAY?!"
Amy snapped out of her thoughts first. "Um, well, y'see, officer --"
"Riley. Dewey Riley." He responded, and Amy smiled flirtatiously.
"Nice to meet you, officer."
"The pleasure's all mine – er – ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to step away from the birds we have squawking about this here place, and return to your vehicle."
"But, I thought I was gonna tell you --"
"Never mind that, never mind. Just go back, I'll be over in a moment."
Rolling her eyes, Amy stormed back across to the car, where Monica and Chandler were smiling in triumph, as the three children in the back lay unconscious from the effects of the videotape.
"My God," Amy whispered, "it's like The Ring in here."
Monica giggled. "Everyone will suffer…" she whispered, and Chandler grinned at her.
"Stop it," he said, licking his lips, "You know how that turns me on."
"You're such a liar. You just want me to kiss you."
"No I don't," Chandler smiled wider, "I want to make out with you furiously in the front of our minivan."
"Well, since you're the driver, I should be on top." She jumped on him, and they kissed deeply. Amy cringed, and turned away, just as Officer Dewey approached the car.
"Um, ma'am, I'm going to have to ask that you take your vehicle off that detour over that-a-ways," he gestured vaguely to his right, "and stay at that motel for the night. It's getting dark, and we're not going to have all these turkeys gathered up by then."
"Well, what about you?"
Dewey smiled. "What's your name, girly girl?"
"Amy Bing."
"Well, it's great to meet you, Amy Bing. I might just have to get a room over there, too."
"DEPUTY DWIGHT RILEY! WHAT IN THE NAME OF PULITZER ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
Dewey turned around. "Oh, hi." He blushed, as a disgruntled, but nevertheless oh so sexy woman with bright orange streaks and a cameraman trailing behind her strutted up to the pair.
"Dewey, I thought we were going out tonight – wait – hang on. What are you doing here? That was what I wanted to know!"
"Erm – the turkeys."
"Oh, was that your fault?"
"No! It was that weird couple over there."
"You mean, the ones who're practically having sex in broad daylight in a minivan with three unconscious kids in the backseat covered in Starbursts?"
"That's them."
"Hey!" Amy interrupted, "those are my parents!"
Gale finally noticed Amy. She smiled pleasantly. "Oh, hi there. Who're you?"
"I'm – the daughter of the couple who're practically having sex in broad daylight in a minivan with three unconscious kids in the backseat covered in Starbursts."
"Nice to meet you."
"Mice to neet you, too." Amy then chuckled, and Gale and Dewey started laughing, too.
"Oh, Gale – I'm going to get a room at that motel around here. You wanna come over there, too?"
"Why, exactly would I want to – oh!" She blushed when she realized what he was implying. Amy looked mighty jealous.
"Are you guys gonna do it?" Amy asked, smiling.
"Probably."
"Can I come, too?" She silently pled with the cheesy tabloid journalist and the boyish looking deputy, who both finally gave in.
"Sure, but only if you pay for a third of the room."
"For sex? Hell yeah." The almost twentysomething oh so sexy Amy linked arms with the already twentysomething oh so sexy Gale and the twentyfourforawholeyear oh so sexy Dewey, and they walked down the road together, discussing meteorologists and Californian killing sprees.
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Meanwhile, back at the [ranch] minivan, Monica and Chandler finally stopped making out, to realize that the deputy, the whiny woman, and their daughter had gone, as well as the driver of the turkey truck, and several of the turkeys. However, Monica and Chandler didn't know that the turkeys had gone missing, because nobody cared enough in the first place to bother counting them except for the turkey truck driver, who was missing so it didn't matter anyway.
"Um, where's Amy?" Monica asked, sitting up, and struggling to get her boob into her shirt. Chandler shrugged.
"Don't know. But, if I say I'll look later, will you take that back out?" He smiled, and she rolled her eyes.
"Tell you what," she whispered, "you see that detour over there? I saw a sign a little ways back that said that there was a motel right by here, so, since I'm so horny I can't see straight, and my breast is practically hanging out of my shirt with no hope of getting it back, why don't we get a room over there, and I can try to get a discount with my THO?"
"Sounds like a plan!"
"No, Chandler. It's a pl. Now, where the hell is my bubblegum? Did it fall out of my mou – oh." She shook her head as Chandler blew a giant bubble and smiled.
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Gale clicked the door open, and she, Dewey, and Amy ran into the room together, stripping themselves entirely of their clothes, and hopping on the bed.
"HA! Take that, 60 Minutes II!" Gale yelled, and pinned Amy to the bed.
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When Monica, Chandler, Greg, Lily, and Clara all managed to get themselves situated, Chandler had turned the corner to travel down a dirt road to a dusty motel.
"'Last Chance'?" Chandler asked, reading the sign above the motel aloud, "Last chance for what? Survival?"
"Dunno, but hurry, my boob can't last much longer."
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"May I help you?" The young woman asked, approaching the desk in a flimsy dress and a heedful of curls.
"Yes, we'd like a room for tonight," Monica started, and Chandler elbowed her, "—er, make that two rooms."
"Right." The woman smiled toothily, and handed them their keys. "Y'all have a nice night, now," she giggled, her southern drawl only making the situation sound more embarrassing. Although, little did Chandler and Monica, let alone Clara, Greg, Lily, Amy, Gale, Dewey, the turkey truck driver, all the missing turkeys, and the alpaca waiting outside of the motel, know that the woman who ran it was actually named Cybil. But the turkey truck driver did know something that the rest didn't. And that was that "the hot motel owner chick" was about to get lucky.
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The next morning came too quickly. Crawling out of bed after a night of sack-romping, Chandler and Monica dressed and helped their children get up and ready to continue their journey. Gale and Dewey exchanged numbers with Amy, who promised to call them for another threesome after Gale finished up her show and sorted out things with some killer somewhere near Windsor College. They all coincidentally managed to get dressed and ready and packed all at the same time, and they met in the hallway, greeting one another, all looking especially refreshed, with the exception of Clara, who was whining and talking about the scary no-sex video, Lily, who was throwing Starbursts everywhere and demanding cigarettes for her nonexistent brother, and Greg, who was still poking everyone. A couple seconds later, Cybil emerged from her room as well, looking radiant and still wearing barely anything. But it wasn't Cybil's lack of decency that surprised the group. It was the turkey truck driver who came out after her, zipping up his pants.
Monica's jaw dropped. "Richard?!"
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