Confessions

I went to the refrigerator to pour myself another glass of blood, hoping to quell the gnawing in my stomach. In truth I knew it wouldn't do any good. It wasn't hunger twisting inside of me. The last 24 hours had been an emotional roller coaster ride, full of highs and lows from Josh's death and me killing Tejada. It could leave even a vampire reeling. But it was that last encounter with my Beth that had left my heart and soul in shreds.

When she asked me why I go on living, part of me wanted to drop to my knees, pouring out my heart as I confessed my love. But the anger and blame that haunted her eyes had been my undoing. Instead, I'd laughed it off, babbled some nonsense and quietly left the way I came. No matter how much I wanted to tell her how I really felt, I simply couldn't add to her pain right now.

Glancing up, I realized it was almost dawn and decided it was time to head upstairs. For the first time in years I was actually looking forward to the freezer. Though it wouldn't solve anything, at least there I could shut out my own pain if only for a few blessed hours.

I was almost to the stairs when a brief whiff stopped me in my tracks. Barely a second later, the elevator doors opened and Beth's gentle scent reached out to me. On the security monitor I watched as she hesitantly approached my door, suddenly pausing and turning as if she might flee. I sped over and flung it open, stopping as I saw her. I know she heard me because she stopped as well, yet didn't turn around. Softly, I called to her, struggling to speak and put all my emotions into words. I ended up only saying one word but I could still tell she heard me in the shiver that ran through her as I said her name.

"Beth."

We both stood there frozen for several long quiet moments, each afraid to make a move trapped in our own prison of emotions. Me, afraid she would flee if I approached, Beth trapped in the torment of her own conflict. At last she broke the silence, her voice a sorrowful whisper so soft I wouldn't have heard it if I were mortal.

"I lied to him."

I suspected the answer but I still had to ask. "Josh?" Her head bent in a halting nod of reply.

A thousand questions rushed to my mind, but I held back needing to let her answer. She still hadn't faced me but I let her stay as she was, anything to keep her from leaving.

A sob tore through her and I had to restrain myself from taking her into my arms right then. I desperately wanted to hold and comfort her, but something was eating Beth alive and she needed to release it before the inner demons that drove her to my door consumed her.

"That day before he was first attacked, I'd made up my mind to tell him how I felt. But then he came to my apartment , everything went wrong and all I could do was pretend. He made love to me that night and I wanted to enjoy it. I just…. I had to close my eyes because I wanted it to be you."

Her soft words shook me to my core and nearly sent me to my knees so I gripped the door jamb to keep upright.

At last she turned to me, tears streaming down her face, her breath coming in short gasps as her small frame shook from the force of her emotions. "Those things I said, I didn't mean them I… Oh, God! Forgive Me! Forgive me!" She almost fell to her knees, her body doubling over as she sobbed for all she was worth, the pain coming from deep inside. I caught her up quickly though before she could hit the floor, taking her inside as I kicked the door closed behind me.

Carrying her to the couch I sat down, Beth in my lap my arms wrapped completely around her. She instantly curled into me like a small child seeking comfort. I didn't try to stop her from crying, just held her to let her know she wasn't alone. Guilt and regret can poison your soul and I knew all too well from experience what that was like. Beth needed release hers through her tears and I knew I had to let her. But that didn't mean I couldn't hold her tight while she did. At last she quieted, her breaths coming in tiny sobs as she exhaled them against my chest. When she finally lifted her head, the tears were still there but some of the shadows were gone.

"I'm sorry." She said the words in a voice that was barely a whisper. I started to speak but she put a finger over my lips to keep me quiet." And….I love you."

And that was the crux of it. I could have sworn my undead heart stopped in my chest if that were even possible. There they were; the very words I'd so feared and yet desperately longed for ever since that cold night by the fountain. I'd rehearsed a thousand replies, composed a thousand speeches in my head in response to them but now they all fled in the wake of the sheer power those simple words held. Fortunately, that undead heart didn't fail me and found the words I needed to answer her when nothing else could. 'I love you, Beth."

With those words, we took our first tiny step. Nothing had changed really. I'd still killed Tejada. Josh was still dead and Beth and I had a mountain of issues to work through not to mention some serious guilt for both of us on that front. But we'd made a beginning and maybe just for tonight, that was enough.