Disclaimer : I do not own anything except the plots in my head. This is just for fun :)
Warnings : Slash, Kirk/McCoy
Summary : Now that Leonard knew, he of course couldn't stop thinking about it. Even if Jim remained oblivious, Leonard knew and that meant he started to see things.
AN1 : Un'Beta'd. I think i checked it okay but i suck at tensese, sorry for any mistakes.
AN2 : I can't believe i haven't uploaded anything since 2009 :S That so can't be right but its what the last story publish date says :S *sigh* Bad authoress.
Oddly enough, it wasn't the crash and bangs that suddenly filled the dorm room that woke Leonard. No, it was the screams. Almost guttural, wailing and with so much fear it turned his stomach cold before he was even fully conscious, flinging his covers back and scrambling from the bed. His feet nearly slipped under him but he was at Jim's bedside in less than a second, hands reaching out to calm and sooth on instinct.
"Aw kid." He muttered miserably as he took in the man twisting and writhing, bedsheets a tangle mess around his legs and his hands flexing uselessly at his sides. A nightmare, that much is obvious. Jim's skin was covered in sweat, a cold sheen in the pale light. He looked so much younger, like Leonard had woken and stepped a decade back in time. There's so much vulnerability in his face, so much raw pain that Leonard wants to reach in and pull the nightmare out, wring it with his bare hands for causing this normally strong man to whimper in fear.
Leonard reached out and pushed the damp hair away from Jim's forehead, almost smiling as Jim instinctively leaned into the touch even as another low groan was drawn from his throat. Damn kid was too touch starved for his own good.
"Jim." He said softly in a voice usually reserved for scared patients and Joanna. "Time to wake up kid." Jim mumbled in response, back arching in a painful angle as he whimpered in sheer terror. What the hell was he dreaming about anyway? "I'm here Jim, you can wake up now. Come on darlin', it's okay." His thumb soothed over the kids brow, rubbing away the tension that was collecting there. He had the strong urge to wrap himself around Jim, to use his warmth to ease the tremors and coax him back. He pushed the urge away.
"Jim-" He started and then squawked—there's no other word for the sound he made—and spun on the spot, falling on his arse as his hands flew to the back of his head, covering the spot where something had poked him.
His eyes widened. "Shit." He breathed at the sight in front of him. Their dorm room, with its too small space and clutter was in complete disarray. Everything not attached to the floor was floating free, bloody floating in mid air. Though the word didn't do it justice at all because this was more violent, erratic, harsh lurches as objects flung themselves up and down, crashing against walls and each other.
"Shit." He cursed again with more feeling, ducking when a pair of his own boots rocketed at his head, thudding against the wall as it missed. His eyes darted nervously back to Jim, both curious and apprehensive as things slotted together in his head.
"You doing this Jim boy?" He whispered, slightly awed. Jim just gasped in response, body jerking and the bed rattled against the bolts keeping it to the floor. Leonard grimaced, running a hand through his own hair. "Just full of surprises aren't you? Couldn't be simple." He sighed, wincing as he shoved away a desk floating near his shoulder.
He wondered why Jim had never told him, why he had thought he had to hide it. He had to admit to himself that it hurt, that Jim didn't trust him enough to reveal this side of himself, share his secret. At the same time it scared him—not Jim, he could never be afraid of this man—no, it scared him that Jim's mind could conjure something horrific enough to snap his control.
Trying to ignore the way his hands shook he quickly pushed away anything hovering over the bed, lest they fall down on the man. He perched carefully on the edge of the bed, Jim's leg pressed against his thigh as he cautiously placed a hand on the mans chest.
"Need you to calm down for me kid." He said in what he hoped was a soothing voice, his southern accent coming in strongly. "Gotta breathe for me so you don't maim one of us." Jim continued to twist beneath him, eyes moving frantically beneath his lids. Leonard wondered how he could stay asleep like this, how long he could stayed trapped before he would startle awake. Selfishly he hoped that it didn't happen, hoped he could sooth Jim's nightmare without waking him. He didn't have the first clue how to approach this secret, wasn't ready to try either.
"Easy darlin', sshh, easy." He gripped one of Jim's wrists and thumbed the underside gently. Jim moaned. "I got ya, sshh, just relax now, breathe for me now, I'm here." He kept up the litany of meaningless words and comforting nonsense as he willed Jim to settle, to rest. Everything else faded away as he focused on this man, this beautifully strong and damaged man who he'd somehow come to care for.
"That's it." He smiled as Jim finally started to still, lines easing from his face as his body settled. He looked pale and wrecked but he no longer screamed, no longer thrashed in the throes of an invisible horror. Leonard exhaled the breath he hadn't realised he was holding.
"Damn kid." He grumbled with no heat, standing and wearily rubbing his face. He'd never get himself back to sleep now, that much was for sure. He glance around, grimacing at the mess now that everything had fell back with gravity, resigning himself to having to clear it up. He didn't know what to do with this new information but he did know that Jim clearly wanted it kept hidden. There must be a reason and no matter how much it stung, he couldn't betray Jim's trust by forcing the story out of him. He had to keep the secret.
"Things I do for you." He sighed, trudging off to find the broom while Jim slept—for now—peacefully.
Now that Leonard knew, he of course couldn't stop thinking about it. Even if Jim remained oblivious, Leonard knew and that meant he started to see things. They were small things, random things that he would have normally missed but not now, not after that night.
It was things like classes, where Jim would be lounging in the chair next to him, seemingly a hundred miles away while Leonard took all the notes he could. Jim would be idly flipping his stylus in the air, letting it flick up and then catching it. To anyone else it would look like normal, that the fact that Jim never fumbled was due to excellent hand-eye coordination. Leonard was the only one who could see how it hovered higher than it should, the way it stayed up longer and spun longer and slower than what was possible. The first time he had seen it Leonard had nearly choked, thinking that Jim couldn't really be that careless, but Jim had had this small smile on his mouth, like he was completely at peace with himself. Leonard hadn't been able to do anything but smile himself, surreptitiously making sure that no-one glanced in their direction too long for the rest of the lesson.
It wasn't always easy to spot, because for all Jim's faults he clearly was careful not to draw attention to himself, didn't abuse his powers like Leonard knew so many would. That wasn't to say he was an angel with them, no one in their right mind would call Jim Kirk innocent. Gary Mitchell was the first person Leonard ever saw come on the wrong side of Jim's powers, though somehow he didn't think he was the actual first.
Gary was a maggot of a person who seemed to make it his life's mission to make everyone around him miserable and homicidal—aimed solely in his direction. Jim seemed to bare the brunt of Gary's taunting, a snide remark here, a shove there. It was in no way inventive bullying but occasionally one of those comments would cut a little too close to home. A shadow would pass over Jim's face and it was clear a nerve had been hit, one that was dark and dangerous and potentially volatile. That was when Leonard would step in, dragging Jim away before he did something he couldn't take back.
It hadn't even been Jim Gary was teasing the day he had snapped, when Leonard had looked across the table in the cafeteria to see Jim's fists clench and his eyes darken like a storm cloud. Leonard had followed his line of sight, wincing as he caught eye of Gary harassing a couple of girls, leering suggestively and standing far too close. His own sense of chivalry had flared. The two girls—Orion he noted—looked half way between annoyed and afraid. He recognised one as Gaila, the pretty bubbly girl Jim had recently befriended.
He was two steps away from storming over there himself when Gary had gasped, groaning at he clutched at his skull, agony washing over his face. The girls made their escape quickly as Gary stumbled on the spot, mouth open in a silent scream as he doubled over, scratching at his head like he wanted to claw his way inside. Leonard had stared in mute horror, gut clenching as he swung back to Jim, swallowing hard.
Jim's hands were clenched so tight they were bone white, his face contorted into so much raw anger he looked almost feral. His eyes, usually blue and full of laughter, were cold. It was terrifying. It was beyond terrifying because right this second Jim could be killing a man. No matter what Gary had done, Jim didn't deserve to have that on his conscience.
"Jim!" He said sharply, slapping his hand down on the table as he spoke and praying for Jim to just stop.
When Jim turned it was slowly, gradual and with great effort. For a split second that cold stare settled on Leonard and he felt the cold settle over his skin and electricity spark inside his skull. It was so quick that he didn't have time to react, a mask slotting firmly over Jim's face as he stood and walked away, tension coiling over him like a second skin.
Leonard pressed his palms so tight against the table that he could feel it groan under the pressure, forcefully making himself not chase after Jim.
"Oh shit." He whispered. If that's what only a brief flash of Jim's anger felt like, that minuscule wave of fire inside your skull then he almost felt sorry for Gary, felt frightened for him. He flicked his gaze over to the man and he could see him shaking and pale but thankfully alive. He had a feeling he had been lucky. For the first time since he had learnt Jim's secret, he wondered just what exactly the man was capable of.
The Kobayashi Maru. It was the first time Leonard contemplated telling Jim that he knew. Although most of his contemplating had taken the shape of yelling at the man as he stormed after him, wisely locking the door to their dorm room as he stalked into it.
"What the hell was that!" He bellowed, face a picture of fury. He could barely fathom what would happen if they found out what Jim had done. Oh and Leonard knew exactly what he had done. He had seen the glazed looked in Jim's eyes as the lights had flickered, could almost hear the cogs in his mind working as he bent the scenario to play out just the way he wanted.
"Don't know what you're talking about Bones." Jim grinned, grinned at him as he flopped down on his bed, arms folded behind his head. He looked so damn pleased with himself that Leonard could scream.
"You bloody well cheated!" He exploded, towering at the foot of the bed. A slightly hurt look crossed Jim's face but it disappeared just as quickly, replaced with a mischievous smirk.
"It wasn't cheating, it was—bending the situation."
"Bending the situation!" Leonard gaped. "Jim, you changed the test, changed the rules!"
"The rules were wrong, they made it unwinnable, I just evened the odds." Jim preened, shrugging his shoulders like it didn't mean anything to him. Maybe it didn't. Leonard had seen him push the rules in many stupid ways but this took the cake.
"You've gone too far this time." He sighed, anger deflating until he just sounded disappointed and he was, deeply. He had thought Jim was better than this.
Jim's expression faltered, a frown creasing his forehead as a myriad of emotions flickered through his eyes. They settled somewhere close to regret but mostly they were sad, hurt. Leonard pretended not to notice the way the temperature dropped even though neither of them had touched the climate controls.
"I'm sorry." Jim said quietly, meekly. "I just fiddled with a few of the protocols, uploaded a new sub-routine, it's no big deal."
It was though, not only because it was cheating but because it was a lie. Everyone else would believe it, that Jim—who was so damn smart—had been able to tinker with the tests coding but Leonard knew it was a lie, was probably the only one who would know.
It hurt.
"Jim-" He started to say hoarsely, started to admit that he knew damnit and this was wrong but his words were swallowed by the chime of the comm, a message calling all cadets to the auditorium. His eyes locked with Jim's and he just felt all the more colder at the naked fear in the kids gaze.
Everything went to hell from there.
One minute he's watching Jim being oh so politely reamed out by the Vulcan and the next the Academy is a flurry of frantic movement as the distress call comes. He has a very clear moment of ohdeargod before his better instincts take over and he is striding with Jim to the docking bay, listening as his name is called for the Enterprise and feeling sick when Jim's isn't. After everything, it's like a punch to the gut.
He almost leaves him there, thinking he'll be safer away from it all but he can't get the sound of Jim's nightmare out of his head, the vulnerability of his expression as Leonard yelled at him and the darkness when he attacked Gary from the inside. Despite it all, Jim could be useful and he knows that but most of all, he just can't bare to leave him behind.
If anything things get faster from there. He's sneaking Jim onto the ship only to have him run rampant through the corridors and storm his way onto the Bridge. They watch as the remains of the fleet burn in front of them, as Pike willing offers himself as hostage and then Jim's volunteering for that fool jump to the drill. He wants to tell him to be careful, to come back safe and alive but there's no time as Leonard's rushing into surgery and hoping Jim can pull some miracle out of all this mess.
Of course that's exactly what he does. After somehow getting himself thrown from the ship, deserted on some god forsaken ice pit of a planet, thrown around by Spock who he willingly provoked and beaming over to that ship, that monstrosity that had simply wiped Vulcan from existence—he managed to save them.
Leonard could feel the ship buckling around them as the black hole tried its damnest to pull them in. His hands were sure and steady as he worked on Pike but inside he was screaming, yelling in agony because he knew—he knew that the ship shouldn't be able to stand this, not for this long. He knew that somewhere above him Jim was on the Bridge keeping the ship together by sheer strength of will. He has to fight every fibre of his being not to run up there and just hopes there is enough of Jim left for him to fix later.
Later turns into several hours of agonisingly slow and painful operations. Every second felt like a lifetime by the time he is able to leave he feels sluggish and drained. A small part of him feels relief that at least Jim retired to sleep a while ago now after a fairly angry comm call from him. He hadn't even hesitated to order Jim to crash in his quarters, they'd shared at the Academy—and didn't that seem like a lifetime ago?—So it didn't phase him now.
He was looking forward to crashing as he keyed in the code for the room but all thoughts of rest vanished as the door swished shut behind him. As sparse as the room was there was enough there, enough furniture for it to be flying in the air, hanging several inches from the floor. Leonard stiffened all over, mind flashing to nightmares and Jim screaming, but this was different. There was no frantic energy, no wild movements, everything just hung there completely still. Somehow it was so much worse.
He listened to the sounds around him then, straining his ears and picking up the sound of ragged breathing and gulps of air.
"Jim." He whispered almost like a prayer, so damn afraid. He was running as he hurried into the bedroom, darting around the dividing wall and choking weakly in his throat as he saw Jim. There was no nightmare, no violent thrashing in his sleep because Jim was awake, sitting on top of the bed like he had never tried in the first place, still fully clothed and just staring. Everything floated around him too, from the small desk to the lose lamp, all caught in that eerie stillness and it was so wrong, wrong, wrong.
"Jim." He said hushed, stepping oh so slowly toward the bed. Jim's eyes were wide as they stared, so intensely blue but vacant, lost, drowning. Against his chest he was clutching a pillow like it was a lifeline, like without it he too might just float away. Leonard felt his own feet struggling to stay connected with the floor the closer he got and for a moment he thought he too might be swept up.
"Darlin'." He whispered, managing somehow to get onto the bed, to kneel in front of the man who had been his closest friend for so long now, the man he was so deeply and painfully in love with. "I'm here." He tried, praying he could reach through. Jim stared blankly past him, face devoid of colour. He was trembling and Leonard reached out a hand to sooth him, letting it rest on his shoulder. Everything in the room rattled as he made contact and he knew it had been the right thing to do when Jim's gaze fell on him, still lost but seeing, seeing him.
"Bones." Jim whimpered in a voice so broken it cut Leonard's heart, scattered it into a thousand pieces that fell like dead weights to the pit of his stomach. He almost couldn't bare it.
"Yeah it's me, I'm here." He croaked, voice clogged and unrecognisable. "I got ya."
Jim whimpered and a chair spun and shattered forcefully against the wall, shards bouncing and splintering so loudly they both flinched. If it was possible Jim paled even further, breath coming out harsher.
"I can't make it stop." Jim said so desperately, clutching onto his pillow. "I tried, I can't, I just…"
"Sshh, easy." Leonard shushed, taking Jim's face between his hands, the trembling not noticed. "I know Jim, okay, I know. It's going to be okay." He promised. A single tear rolled down Jim's cheek and Leonard rubbed it away with his thumb. "Just focus on me, just on me." He coaxed, feeling so completely out of his depth.
"It hurts." Jim whimpered, eyes pinched with pain and every muscle pulled taut. "Oh god Bones, why can't I make it stop?"
"Sshh." Leonard quietened, pulling Jim against his chest, fighting back his tears as Jim shook in his arms, hands twisting tightly in the front of his shirt—so damn desperate—and so trusting that he could help him. He wasn't sure that he could though. He didn't know anything about this, didn't know what was happening and all his medical experience meant nothing here. What help was it when he couldn't help the people he cared about? Couldn't take their pain away from them.
"Please make it stop." Jim begged, pleaded frantically. "Bones please."
"I don't know how." Leonard choked, hating himself, hating his uselessness. "Jim I don't know what to do."
Jim keened, a pain noise in the back of his throat as he started to sob and Leonard was struck by the thought that he could lose Jim to this, could lose him before he ever really had him. He was certain there were just as many tears on his own face as Jim's when he pulled them apart—which was so damn hard—cupping Jim's face again and staring into those blue eyes. He didn't know what made him do it, why he thought now was even the right time. All he knew was that Jim was hurting, looking at him like a man drowning and desperately thought Leonard was the air he needed.
With a silent prayer he kissed him.
He kissed Jim like it might be his only chance, pouring everything he had never said, everything he had never shared into it, trying to show Jim just how much he cared for him, how much he needed him, needed him to be okay. Jim's mouth fell open with what could have been a gasp or a moan of pain but Leonard took it for an opening, gently deepening the kiss, wanting to taste Jim, feel him. His hands stayed sure on Jim's face and it took him a sluggish moment to feel Jim's hands reaching for him, fingers tangling in his hair and then he was being kissed back, Jim's tongue slow but definitely there.
It was splendid and painful, glorious and agonising but most of all it was Jim, warm and alive and he wanted him to stay like that. Oh god did he want him to stay.
There was a crash and a thud, the dull feeling of the floor shaking before Jim's hands became stronger, his mouth more insistent and Leonard was drunk on it, intoxicated by the feel of the other man. He pushed forward on Jim, leaning him back down on the bed until he was covering him, bodies pressed tight like his presence could keep Jim alive beneath him. Maybe it could, he thought wildly, desperately making his kisses more frantic until he could barely breath.
Jim's hand was pressing against his chest but he didn't want to let go, didn't want to give this up but even weakened, Jim was always going to be stronger and faster than Leonard was.
"Bones." Jim sighed as he was free, mouth red from the force of the kiss but his eyes were clear. There was no pain, no far away faze and no sign of a man spiralling under the onslaught of his own mind. Just blue, brilliant blue.
"You're okay." Leonard breathed and he wasn't sure who he was reassuring.
"Yeah." Jim nodded, eyes glancing around the room. "I think I broke the room."
Leonard followed his gaze and saw everything in ruins, everything smashed to the floor in splintered piles. Jim gave a weak laugh that Leonard couldn't echo, instead simply staring down at the younger man. He was so damn relieved he felt numb. Jim's laugh softened into a smile, hand reaching up and stroking Leonard's cheek lightly, a look of awe on his face.
"You made it stop." He said in wonder. Leonard just nodded. "How did you know that would work?"
"I didn't." Leonard admitted, turning his face to kiss the underside of Jim's wrist, making the man shudder. "I just knew I couldn't lose you, not without ever letting you know."
"Know what?" Jim asked, his eyes so raw and open, so unlike the mask he usually hid behind. Leonard was struck by how much Jim hid, even from him, how little of the real Jim he'd ever glimpsed. It was as easy as breathing to speak.
"That I'm in love with you." He should have always been able to say it. The words had always seemed like a constant battle with Jocelyn but with Jim it was so easy. He should always have been able to tell him. Beneath him Jim shuddered, not from cold or pain, but from a warmth so strong his heart faltered.
"You love me?" He whispered, eyes wide.
"Always have." Leonard nodded, reaching down and capturing Jim's mouth in a deep kiss, leaning back only to nuzzle their noses together, the gesture seeming so incredibly intimate. "Just took me a while to work it out."
Jim sighed, the sound happy and content as he sinked further back onto the bed, a yawn escaping him. "Love you too." He said, voice sounding sleepy but so sure, so certain. It made Leonard smile widely, face almost splitting in half with it. It was so damn good to hear.
"How long have you known? About what I can do?" Jim asked eventually as Leonard peppered kisses across his jaw. "Bones, how long?"
Leonard sighed but backed off, rolling onto his side and looking at Jim with a certain amount of caution. "About a year." He admitted. Jim's breath left him in a shaky gasp.
"How the hell?" He demanded shakily.
"You were having a nightmare, I heard you screaming in your sleep and when I woke up you were making the furniture dance." Leonard explained, grimacing when Jim covered his face with his hands. He reached out and pulled them away, entwining their fingers together. Jim looked at him with an odd expression before smiling shyly as Leonard pressed a kiss on his knuckles.
"After that it was easy to notice," Leonard continued. "I guess cause I knew it made it more obvious, all the little things you did and-" He hesitated. "And the big stuff."
Jim swallowed. "Shit, Gary."
"Yeah." Leonard nodded grimly. "Really scared me that day kid."
Jim bit his lip hard." I'm sorry." He mumbled. "I don't usually lose control like that but hell, it was Gary and I knew what he did to girls, knew what he would have done to Gaila."
"I know." Leonard assured him, pulling until Jim was tucked under his chin, pressed to his chest.
"I suppose it was a good thing you knew, I don't think I'd of been able to stop if you hadn't said my name." Jim admitted weakly.
"You would have." Leonard refuted strongly and there was doubt in his conviction, no hesitation in his faith of Jim. "You're not a murderer Jim Kirk."
Jim hummed against his chest and buried closer. "Thank you." He said softly and with so much sincerity it made Leonard smile. "Thank you for saving me." His voice trailed of sleepily, exhaustion hanging heavily over him. Leonard kissed the mop of blond hair affectionately.
It was funny really, that Jim thought Leonard had saved him, when Leonard was sure Jim had been saving him for years. Jim with his easy smiles and bright eyes, infectious humour and endearingly contagious energy. Jim, with his many secrets and masks, the deep darkness under his skin and his constant battle for control.
"I love you kid." Leonard mumbled sleepily, already falling under the warmth and solidity Jim brought. It would be along journey back to Earth and then there would be questions, meetings, hundreds of people vying for all the information they could get. For now there was just them, just this, huddled against each other and safe. Leonard shivered just before falling under, a smile creasing his face as he felt the cover slide up over them, regardless that neither of them had moved to pull it.
Reviews are always welcome :) I've had this idea since the film came out and its depressing how long it took to get around to writing it.