Dear Mario,

Once upon a time, life was good. Ever since kindergarten I'd hang out with Peach, play hopscotch, koopa tag, build fortresses... And you know what? I always secretly liked her even though I could never tell her my true feelings; I was too shy and scared that she'd just flat out reject me. But she was nice, and that was all that mattered. That was, until you came along and fucked up my life.

I remember it just like it was yesterday; I was walking along with Peach, when all of a sudden BAM! Some stupid toadstool was rushing, bumped into her, knocking her over and all of her text books. I went to pick up her text books, and I turned around to help her out but you were too quick. She gazed into your eyes, and you gazed back then said, "Hey! it's a me, Mario! I come from an exchange from Italia! You wanna go for a coffee some a time?"

She agreed, she fucking agreed! How the hell did it happen? I couldn't understand, was it your fucking stache that had her mesmerized? But she wasn't the only one who agreed that you were "hot", I mean ever other girl thought that you were "hot" too. Ever since that fateful day, the only true friend I ever had was my Walkman, listening to Goombas and Roses, you get the point. I was completely and utterly alone.

Peach shunned me, and kept close to you at all times. That day, I started to work out at the gym. I thought that maybe if I had a bit more muscle, she might hang out with me again but to no avail. How could she find a stoner like you to be desirable? Was I not enough of a bad boy? So, I started to hang out with the wrong crowd, you know with King Boo (Prince Boo at the time), Wario, etc...

In 1985, the year after we graduated I took Peach to my castle to finally tell her my true feelings. But, you decided to conveniently show up after killing a bunch of innocent goombas and koopas for no reason at all except for the fact that you were high on fucking shrooms! And you told everyone else that she was kidnapped, and of course everyone believed you because at least you weren't a buffed up looking koopa thing. And ever since then, I've tried to talk to hey in private, but ever single time you'd come and ruin everything for me.

Thanks a lot Mario.

Yours Truly,
Bowser.

(p.s. say hi to Luigi for me!)