Prompt 36-"I wish I could hate you."

There was something about each secret touch, each stolen kiss, that Drew craved and hated at the same time.

Perhaps she craved it, because it was so wrong. Clarisse had a boyfriend, a boyfriend that she was perfectly happy with, and wasn't afraid to show in public. A boyfriend that made something twist inside of Drew, a twist of jealousy. They could be so out there, so public, but Clarisse could never be that with Drew.

Perhaps it was because it was a secret. After all, wasn't romance more romantic with secrecy involved? Wasn't it ten thousand times more thrilling when nobody else could see each kiss, each lip bite, each brushing of skin? Wasn't it so much better when you had to hide those moans, those groans, those gasps that struggled to emerge as the teeth bit the skin? Wasn't it more desirable that way? Didn't it feel so much better?

Or, perhaps Drew craved it because it was a way of marking someone as her own. It was exhilarating to dig her nails into someone's skin, to run them up and down and leave marks. It was thrilling to leave someone's lips sore and swollen, to fill their neck and shoulders with those little red marks that screamed "Mine" to anyone who saw them. It felt so beautiful, so right, to be able to leave these claims, over and over and over again. The lust that she felt each time she was able to claim Clarisse almost knocked her over.

But Drew still hated it.

She hated it because it felt wrong. Everyone was quick to pin her down as the girl who stole everyone's boyfriend or girlfriend. Campers weren't afraid to call her a "slut" or a "whore," even her own siblings.

The secret meetings made Drew feel like she was stealing Clarisse in a way. Everyone knew that she was happy with Chris. What if someone found out, and accused Drew of stealing Clarrise from Chris? Then the campers' insults would be justified, and she wouldn't be able to stop anyone from calling her names.

It also felt wrong because of Silena. Silena had been Clarisse's best friend, and Drew knew that she was still important to Clarisse. These secret meetings almost felt like Drew was taking Clarisse away from Silena as well as Chris. Plus, what if Clarisse was using Drew as a crutch, a replacement for Silena? The idea made Drew heart's squeeze painfully whenever she thought about it.

And the last thing that Drew hated about it was that it was Clarisse.

Drew hated Clarisse. Her snarkiness and attitude, and how she was loud and messy. She hated how she could look so confident and perfect even during a rowdy game of Capture the Flag, but Drew needed eyeliner and lip gloss to actually feel pretty. She hated how Clarisse would shout and slam her fists on the table, the way her brown-red eyes would flash with anger, the way she bit her lip and clenched her fists. She hated how Clarisse could be so many things, things that Drew could never be.

She hated Clarisse. Drew hated her.

But did she really?

If Drew really hated Clarisse, then why didn't she pull away the first time Clarisse ran her fingers down her arm? Why didn't she object when Clarisse first held her close? Why didn't she push her away the first time that they kissed? Why didn't she yell at her to stop when Clarisse first dug her grubby fingers in Drew's hair and kissed her senseless? Why didn't she do anything to make her stop?

Did Drew really hate Clarisse anymore?

The question wouldn't leave Drew alone, and it pounded into her skull. It scared her. Drew was being senseless and wrong. She had to stop. She had to decide if she hated Clarisse or not.

But she couldn't.

It tormented her, this indecisiveness, this confusion of feelings. Sometimes it was so easy to hate Clarisse, and sometimes it wasn't. It was easy when Clarisse shouted and ran her spear through training dummies, easy when she kissed Chris and held his hand. It wasn't easy when she gave Drew sly looks and ran her fingers through her hair, when Clarisse didn't have a temper.

It was impossible to hate Clarisse every time they had a secret meeting, but resentment bubbled to the surface every time Clarisse walked away. And every time she did, Drew would bury her face into her hands and scream at herself, at her own feelings. She'd pound and kick the walls, until she slumped against them and breathed shakily.

"I wish I could hate you," Drew would mutter to herself most nights. "I wish I would hate you," she'd say, louder. "I wish I hated you!" she screamed in the shed, knowing that the campers in the cabins couldn't hear her.

"I wish…" Drew licked her lips. "I wish that you hated me too."

Bloopbadeboop

Hey-ho! I'm Taylor, aka TailsDoll13.

This was requested by mathes0n on Tumblr, for prompt 36 of the prompt post! I'm actually really hesitant about this, since I'm used to writing more funny stuff. I have five more prompts to fill, and yes four of them are Solangelo. But I will take more!

My Tumblr is autisticwillsolace. It's multifandom, so expect PJO, Steven Universe, Homestuck, Ninjago, and a whole lot of others. Oh yes and feminism.

I have many other fics on here as well-"Devil-Spawn," "Underneath the Mistletoe," and "Ring" being a few of my personal fav one-shots (The last one is Doctor Who, the other two are Percy Jackson). I also write the fic "How Not to Get Your OTP Together." (YES I WILL UPDATE I JUST NEED MY COMPUTER FIXED CALM DOWN)

Anyways, feel free to check me out on Tumblr and on here!

Buh-bye!

Deranged Shadow Fangirl