A/N: This is going to be a one-shot. A note: the diary entries are in Emma's point of view.
July 20, 2012
So this is my first diary entry in an empty notebook I have been keeping for like, ten years now? I don't classify myself as the literary type or "dear diary" kind of person, but so many things has happened the past few months, both good and bad, and I figured keeping track of the major events of my life would be a good retirement entertainment (just don't expect me to write every single day or whatever).
In summary, the year of 2011 consisted of: me being found by the son I gave up for adoption to at birth (his name is Henry and he is the brightest, smartest kid I ever know), finding out fairytales are real and that I'm the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming and my son's adopted mother is the Evil Queen, me breaking the curse I initially did not believe in and (believe it or not) me deciding to stay in one place for once: the town of Storybrooke.
Regina (Henry's adopted mother aka EQ) Mills is one hell of a bitch when I first met her. Heck the woman tried to kill me with poisoned apple turnover but I can tell we're very similar. Just the other day when I was at Granny's, I saw Archie (you gotta give the man some credit because after the curse broke, I think he was the only one who tried to initiate conversation with her) approaching Regina and he must have said something aggravating because Regina became all red and went 'If for one second you think I need to step in that room for the weak of yours, you're dead wrong' and she just storms out like that. Not that it was uncommon for Regina to be stared after (she was Mayor once, dammit) but that kinda reminded me of me. Anger had been one of my best friends (now demoted to only a close friend) and it was just so easy to be in the fire. Oh well, maybe someone can eventually show her otherwise.
It was fall, the transition from summer to winter where most people would describe it as 'the melancholy season'. The air goes colder and drier and night comes visibly faster. People start staying indoors, as if the chill was something to be shunned about. Things start falling and harvest starts its cycle. The end of the year is nearing, and so is Halloween and Thanksgiving and somewhere down the far road, Christmas.
It was fall, the spring of Death. He was rejoicing and he manifested it in every nook and corner you can find as you walk down the street; in the bark of the trees and the slow laughter of the earth. He was singing his song and playing hide-and-seek with the crisp, mellow leaves, preparing for the final slumber party when nature becomes truly dead and even the animals turned their tracks away, mourning.
It was fall, and it was Emma's favourite season. She loved to snuggle up on the couch with blankets, maybe some popcorn or chips but definitely with a mug of hot chocolate sprinkled with cinnamon. She would then proceed to watch some old movies ("Horror", she'd claim but it was a blatant lie as the silent sobs initiated from rom-coms can be heard from the kitchen). Sometimes Emma would get Henry to join her and sometimes he would oblige but let's face it, Henry was a growing pubescent boy and God knows it was such a sin to be caught watching Disney movies with your mother (even if she was the more fun of the two).
Regina knew all these because she had been married to the woman for almost a year now, and have been together far longer. It was surreal and really ironic, that she had been able to finally find her source of happiness and warmth from her erstwhile sworn enemy's daughter.
Of course it had not been a smooth ride to get to where they were now. Regina remembered the first few months of heated glares and snide remarks thrown to and fro like a Frisbee between her and Snow whenever they went to the Charming's for dinner every week. But like a wise man once said 'Time heals all things', Snow and her had eventually settled their differences and parted with a peace treaty. During the preparation of their wedding, Snow had even been the one to plan it; flower arrangement, dresses, tables everything. Regina herself was pleasantly surprised, not having seen the younger woman this excited about anything before.
Having chosen to walk, her high heeled boots made loud clicking sounds and even louder crunching of leaves on the pavement beneath her as Regina made her way down the street. The roads were empty save for a few cars and she could practically count the number of people that passed her ever since she left the mansion.
Henry had informed her last week that he was going to stay over at a classmate's place (which was probably going to be often now that he was fourteen). This meant that Emma and she could have some private time tonight and she was determined to set up a romantic getaway for two things: one to celebrate Emma's favourite season and two, it was their one year wedding anniversary today.
Finally reaching the shop she had been looking for, Regina pushed the door open and entered.
December 19, 2012
Jesus, has it really been almost half a year since I last wrote? Glad to see that I'm keeping up the reputation. Anyway, I've got tons to tell you (you as in the old and wrinkled me reading this in forty years even though you probably know how this happened, and not you as in notebook because who the fuck talks to a book). Okay so here goes, my ultimate big news: I kissed Regina Mills.
First, I must say that ever since the curse broke, our relationship was not as hostile as it was back in the days of the curse, but it wasn't like we were friends either. Occasionally we'd bump into each other on the streets or so coincidentally meet at Granny's and maybe some small talk ensues. This went on for a month or two then one day, she asked if I could help with the pruning of her tree, the very same one I half destroyed earlier this year. I didn't know why I agreed but something about this woman always intrigued me so I did. We got to know each other better after that through dinner invitations and conversations over dirty dishes. And I was glad, because at least I got to spend time with my son. By then, we were somewhat friends but it was hard to tell; because every other minute I spend with Regina is one harder pounding of my heart and one more embarrassing stutter. I didn't know it then but I think I was starting to like her (in all senses mutually exclusive with the term 'platonic').
Now, the kiss. You'd probably be thinking 'What the fuck?' but yes, I kissed her. And God was it the best kiss I've ever experienced. It all started with how Henry requested me to bring over some tools from my place that was pertinent to his project today. When I reached, Regina answered the door in her usual business attire even though she was not Mayor anymore. Initially, I was glad when Henry came bounding down with a huge grin on his face and 'thanks' rolling off his tongue but then the little traitor scampered back up, leaving me alone with his mother. She invited me for a drink (which I was too polite to decline) and we talked for a bit. And then one drink led to two and two led to four and soon we were laughing at nothing and sitting closer than ever. No doubt alcohol makes me braver but I wasn't drunk enough to be that brave even though her hand was only inches away from mine.
And then I just stopped laughing and stared into her eyes (I swear she is so breathtaking).
"What?" She said, laughing nervously.
"You," I replied softly and in one swift movement, caught her lips with mine.
And at that moment as I closed my eyes and savoured her flavour, our lips and tongues moving tenaciously against the other; not a single combination of the alphabet or punctuation can describe how I felt there and then. It was that magical. Who knows if this might be the start of another curse, but I think I'm falling in love with Regina Mills.
The bell to the florist's door ringed but Belle continued concentrating on rearranging her daffodils, knowing the cashier would attend to the customer immediately. After much persuasion and convincing from her father, she had given in (although not having fully forgiven him) and came to work part time at his little florist shop. A fast learner, she had learned the ropes in just a few months and had begun to enjoy it aside from her time at the local library. Upon seeing Regina Mills entering the shop, the cashier nodded at her and greeted politely.
"Miss Mills."
Regina glared at the young and inexperienced girl that Belle had hired as cashier and rolled her eyes. Despite countless reminders, that girl still addressed her as "Mills" instead of "Swan-Mills".
"How many times must I reiterate, it's 'Swan-Mills'!" Regina snapped, annoyed.
"Regina!"
Belle, having heard Regina quickly abandoned her work and went forth to serve her friend. Ever since Regina and Emma had publicly announced their relationship, they had been all supportive and even Regina had made an effort to be more friendly to them as well. As the months passed, Regina had started to attend girl's night out and even hosting it multiple times. But of course there was still that side of Regina that was only shown to certain people.
"I'll do it," Belle quietly dismissed the young cashier who slinked away, glad to escape from the wrath of Regina.
"What brings you here, Regina?" The younger brunette smiled brightly at the older woman, who was already looking around.
"Give me a bouquet of your freshest roses," Regina smiled back.
"What's the occasion?" Belle asked curiously, getting to work.
Regina only smiled as she walked around, examining the various flamboyant colours of flowers and sniffing their scent. Finally she turned back to Belle, the excitement hardly contained in her whisper.
"It's me and Emma's first wedding anniversary today!"
Belle watched as the other woman babbled on her excited chatter, understanding the situation and a dull ache arising in her chest.
"… and so I am planning something big for tonight! Maybe rose petals on the bed, soft music… And then when Emma comes home tonight, I can surprise her with a candlelit dinner. What do you think, Belle?"
Looking back at Regina's hopeful face, Belle put on a small smile. Emma, you're one lucky girl.
"I think she'll love it," Belle answered, packing the last of the roses and rearranging them in a pretty way.
Receiving the flowers, Regina reached into her coat pocket for her purse but was stopped by Belle's gentle hand on her arm.
"It's for Emma."
Regina smiled back at her, gratitude in her eyes then winked. "Thank you, Belle. I'm sure Emma will find some way or another to repay this."
"Anything for a friend," Belle gave a soft laugh.
As they bided goodbye, Belle swallowed hard as she watched a smiling Regina step out onto the street, bringing the roses to her face and inhaling their sweet scent. It was true; everyone had seen how Emma brought about such a change in the former Mayor. The once uptight and condescending woman had now opened herself up and everyone adored this side of Regina. There were still people who held grudges, but Regina never gave a damn because hey, she was once the Evil Queen.
Moving to the cashier's table, Belle could fully comprehend how Regina was feeling. It was not like she celebrated any sort of anniversary with Rumple, but she knew the feeling to make the person you love smile. That feeling of being loved just by loving. And in Regina's case; to have that once empty void now filled.
That was why she picked up the phone and dialed the number, now all too familiar.
"Hello?" The voice at the other end answered.
"Snow, Regina was here." Belle replied. "Again."
August 3, 2013
You cannot believe how fast the months have passed. Big news and the best one by far: I am dating Regina Mills. Ever since that fateful kiss, we parted with confused minds and breathless lungs. Then on the next few occasions we met, sex became our language. It was difficult with Henry sometimes in the house, but that wasn't a problem with such lust in our veins.
I thought I could survive this way, but I couldn't fight that growing feeling. So one day I got the courage to ask her out, and guess what? She accepted! I was on top of the moon! Of course it took some time for people around us to accept that fact and even longer for my parents (especially Mary Margaret, my mom). But it's better now. As of tomorrow, it will be our seven month anniversary together. Regina's always saying I should learn cooking or something because the only thing I could cook was Mac 'n' Cheese. So, I secretly took some culinary lessons from Belle and Mary Margaret and tomorrow I'm whipping up a three course meal for her. I've asked Henry to distract her so that I can have the afternoon to prepare for the picnic dinner and I know just the spot she'd love: underneath that apple tree behind her office at City Hall.
But here is the even bigger news: I'm popping the question tomorrow night. Fuck, even writing it out makes me nervous as hell. Like, what if she rejects me or even worse… she finds my food crappy and rejects me? I know I'm overthinking but hell, this feeling is exhilarating and scary at the same time. It's the kind of feeling pregnant women have when they queue for the Ferris wheel. But seriously, I cannot picture myself a day without that gorgeous woman. Believe it or not, she taught me how to love myself and others again and she thought me the most important thing I've learnt yet: giving with love. God, I love her so much. Wish me luck.
When Regina got home she immediately got to work, changing the bed sheets into silk ones and laying scented petals all over the bed in a shape of a heart. Then she brought the bouquet of roses and positioned it right in the middle of the heart, an open metaphor of how Emma had let flowers grow back in her heart, once an empty void. After making sure everything was ready, Regina spied the photo of her and Emma when they attended Kathryn's official wedding. Picking it up, Regina traced a light finger over Emma's face. Emma looked so beautiful, having braided her blonde curls into a long ponytail that hung loosely from the crown of her head and donning a simple white dress that draped over her shoulder and ended just above her knees. Regina can still remember when the photo was taken.
"Alright ladies," the photographer smiled at the two of them. "How about a picture?"
Emma laughed then winked, "Sure! It would be an honour to be in the same picture as the most beautiful woman in the world."
Slinking an arm around a blushing Regina and pulling the other woman close, she placed a chaste kiss on Regina's cheek and winked at the photographer. Grinning, the photographer got into position and squinted through the lens.
"Smile ladies!"
Smiling at the memory, Regina closed her eyes and pushed the photo into her chest as if she could physically embrace the memory. Little did the Regina in the picture know that the next wedding she is going to attend would be her own.
Settling the framed photo back to its original position, Regina glanced at the clock: 4:23PM. It would be around an hour and a half before Emma gets off from work and return home.
Four… Regina smiled as she remembered how the number holds so much significance in her and Emma's relationship. Suddenly exhausted, Regina leaned against the headboard and waited.
September 4, 2013
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Today is my wedding day. It is MY WEDDING DAY. I'm so excited and nervous and happy and terrified that all these words are becoming scribbly and the ink is going smudged. As you've probably guessed by now, the best day of my life is when Regina accepted my proposal. She did it without hesitation and I cried. I was just so goddamned happy. We decided to hold the wedding on the fourth (because that was our 'monthsary') of September (because we were just so excited and also because I love autumn). We've also decided to host the wedding at Regina's apple tree (because that was the place yours truly proposed and also because it was no secret how much Regina loved that tree).Of course our Henry will be the best man, that boy… growing more and more handsome day by day. He's thirteen now, a constant reminder how time flies.
Right now I'm 'quarantined' in one of the rooms of City Hall in my bridal dress and thank God Snow did not make it too poofy. (I hate those kinds of dresses) Snow will be coming up soon to tell me when I can finally come out. I can literally feel the adrenaline having a race with my heartbeat in my veins and I can't wait to see Regina in her wedding dress! Ruby dropped some hints that it was classic white but a special kind (like what kind of clue is that) but whatever the case, I'm sure it will be the dress wearing Regina instead of vice versa. I didn't tell anyone, but I had spent the past two weeks learning how to make your own dreamcatcher online and I finally managed to make the perfect one for Regina! I'm planning to give it to her right there and then in the wedding. It's pretty neat: cute and small with miniature metal feathers (they were originally earrings). It was difficult at first, to find a string that strong and thin at the same time but I did it. I've made it into a necklace and I'm sure Regina will love it!
Oh shit! I just realized I had left it at the mansion hidden in my sock drawer. Crap. Guess I gotta sneak out. Hope I make it back in time. Thank God I drove the Bug here.
P.S. I just realized a pattern in my posts and they are really big events in my life. Let's say we start a bet and that I'm betting the next post will be about me and Regina's first child together. Haha, I would want a girl next time.
P.P.S Regina, if you ever find this book stashed in between the drawers and the wall (I somehow have this feeling you're gonna find it because nothing escapes your sharp eye), know that the best day of my life award officially goes to TODAY, our wedding day and I love you.
Okay I really gotta go get that necklace now.
"Regina… Regina."
A soothing voice and gentle shake roused Regina from slumber and she opened her eyes to see Snow sitting beside her, smiling softly. Immediately conscious about her surroundings, Regina shot up and looked out into the darkness of the night through the window before searching for the clock.
7:33PM.
Panic seized her as Regina realized how late it was. Grabbing Snow, she frantically asked, "Where is Emma? Has she returned home?"
Regina gestured toward the bed and she watched Snow's features drop as the pixie haired brunette glanced at the nicely decorated bed then back to her. Slowly, Snow reached into her handbag and handed her a bottle.
"What's that?" Regina eyed the white capped bottle suspiciously.
"Regina… you've forgotten this today."
Fear suddenly rising in her, Regina stood up and backed away from the bed, from Snow. "No… Where is Emma! We can't miss our first wedding anniversary, is she working over time? At the station?"
The first tear fell and Snow looked back at her, hurt penetrating her gaze. "Regina please… it hurts me to see you like this."
"NO!" Regina screamed. Something was not right, the beginnings of a storm rumbled outside and Emma was not here. Enraged, she ran up to the other woman again and began madly shaking her.
"Snow, where is Emma! Where is she!"
"She's dead, Regina!"
The sudden shout stopped Regina's movements and she stared at Snow, somehow not comprehending the situation. Her emotions were in turmoil and Regina could feel the familiar pain and numbing ache in her heart. Sinking to the floor, Regina hugged her knees to her chest, not realizing the pool of tears sliding down her face and dripping down her chin. She had not even noticed how Snow kneeled beside her and hugged her close until the other woman spoke.
"She died in a crash on the day of your wedding, remember?" Snow softly murmured into the older woman's ear, rocking Regina in a rhythmic momentum.
How could she forget, Regina thought bitterly as the events from one year ago rolled back to her.
She had been waiting to walk down the aisle, feeling like how every bride felt on their wedding day. She had then decided to step out for some fresh air, despite the rule from Ruby to not go out of the room lest Emma and her 'accidentally' sees each other. When she reached the entrance of City Hall however, that was when she heard it.
The screeching of tires.
The blaring of horns.
The sickening sound of a crash.
Turning her head, that was when she saw it.
The debris of aluminium.
The red blood.
The chaos brought on.
And as she stood there, staring at Emma's bloody face, Regina didn't move. She couldn't move. Not even when Snow and many other people rushed past her to the mess, not even when she felt Belle's comforting hands around her, not even when they brought away Emma's body whose lifeless eyes had been staring back at her.
"She went back to the mansion and wanted to get you this," Snow softly said, bringing Regina's hand to touch the dreamcatcher hanging around Regina's neck. "She didn't want to keep you waiting, so she stepped on it. But who knew the roads could be that slippery in the monsoon season."
Snow watched in pain as Regina stared at a spot on the wall, the tears freefalling. It was tragic and it hurt. Regina had cried for days straight after the funeral, and wandered about like a zombie for weeks after. Concerned, she and Charming had asked Archie to help and he definitely tried his best. But there were still times where Regina still made dinner for three and asked Henry to ask that blonde mother of his to fetch him to school on her way to work. Many times when Snow came over to visit, she would find the white capped bottle still filled to the brim, not a single pill taken.
Huddling closer to the older woman, Snow cried along with her for many things: for the pain and hurt, for every future fall season, for the loss, for Emma.
"I-I don't want to forget," Regina sobbed. "I don't want to forget the only person who can make me remember so much."
Swiping a lone tear from Regina's cheek, Snow felt her heart ache considerably seeing Regina in this conflicting state.
Someone once said "Something still exists as long as there is someone around to remember it".
"You don't have to forget, she still exists."
At Regina's hopeful look, Snow wrapped Regina's fingers around the dreamcatcher necklace, "Right here."
"And most importantly," Snow said as she moved to place both hands over her and Regina's hearts.
"In here."
Gripping the tiny dreamcatcher in her hand, Regina closed her eyes and imagined Emma: Emma's smile, Emma's voice, Emma's laugh, Emma's eyes in the dark, Emma's fingers tracing circles on her back after their lovemaking, the warmth in her just by hearing Emma saying those three words.
Emma.
Someone else once said that people die twice: one when they stop breathing and another a bit later on, when someone says their name for the last time.
And as the two women sat huddled together, the last of sobs dying within them and the numbing ache starting its eruption, who knew how long it would take but Emma was definitely not dying again anytime soon.
A/N: I derived this title from a song by one of my adored bands, Brand New. It's called "The Boy who Blocked his Own Shot" and I got inspiration for this story when I was listening to it the other day. I hope you enjoyed this story!