The Way I Love You
Tonks lay on her bed, failing (as usual) to prevent her mind from wandering back to him. Why did he have to live with the ferals? What planet was he on to think that that could possibly ever work? She wondered sometimes, well often, to tell the truth, if it was just another way of his to hide away from her. All his excuses came down to her. What she deserved. Her welfare. Surely from the few times he had seen her he must know that if he wanted to break her, this was the very best way to do it. Every day could be his last – or hers. Why not live it out. Live out the love that had been bottled up inside her, and him, for what felt like so long.
When she finally made an effort to change the train of thought – she really didn't like where it was going (again) - she found there was nothing else to think about. Nothing else to do. Reading romances obviously did nothing to help. Reading horror was the same, bringing her back to the familiar terrified anxiety. She couldn't eat, not when Remus was... urghhhh. Sleep was impossible, and even if she did manage to drift off, her dreams were haunted with wolves that were torn apart, well, one wolf in particular. The only thing she could do was doodle. On her table there were piles and piles of papers filled with doodles of hearts and scribbling and more reminders of him. The unbearable tugging, suffocating pain and longing. Yet again she found her paper full of little images of the happiness he would never let her have.
She didn't realise that she was writing down her thoughts until she looked at the once blank paper and saw the song she had accidentally composed. A tuneless song that made her shake with sadness and hurt. Before she ripped up the whole page, she titled it 'the way I love you'. Underneath those words she had written:
When I met you, I didn't see.
You were a mystery to me.
And it was good that way.
When I kissed you, I thought I saw.
You were my love, what I would live for.
And it would be good that way.
When you told me, I could see,
You were wrong; you were still you to me.
And it was good that way.
When you hid from me, I didn't see
You thought you were right, you hurt me.
And it wasn't good that way.
When you stayed away, I didn't see
You were just trying to protect me.
And you thought it was good that way.
When you wouldn't listen, I could see
You didn't think you were good enough for me.
And it wasn't good that way.
When you led me on, I didn't want to see
You would run again from me.
It can't be good that way.
When you hurt us both, I stopped trying to see
You'll never accept that you can be with me.
And that it would be good that way.
Tonks cried herself to sleep that night. And even in her dreams, he ran away from love. He thought he was protecting her, but he was hurting her, time and time again.