Title: I Absolutely Refuse to Acknowledge That This is My Fault

Summary: In which Voldemort tries to summon Death, and ends up wishes he hadn't bothered. Alternatively, in which Shizuo gets angry, Shinra rambles about love, Izaya trolls absolutely everything/everyone, and Celty saves everyone without actually meaning to. Goblet of Fire/Raijin Days/1995

Characters: Voldemort, Harry Potter, Cedric Diggory, Celty Sturluson, Orihara Izaya, Kishitani Shinra, Heiwajima Shizuo, misc. Death Eaters, Orihara Mairu, Orihara Kururi, Sharaku Mikage, TRDEWIIETGAN

Pairings: Cedric/Cho, one-sided Shinra/Celty, one-sided Harry/Cho, Izaya/Mikage

Warnings: Crack, attempted murder, trolling, various naughty words

AN: I know that, in 1995, Izaya had never really met Celty, and Shizuo still didn't know that Celty was a woman. However, this story gets around that little plothole by using a device known to authors (and abridgers) as "not giving a shit". Currently, Izaya, Shinra, and Mikage are 16-17, Shizuo and Cedric are 17-18, Harry is 14, the twins are 7, Voldemort is somewhere in his 60s, and Celty is a Dullahan.

Cedric Diggory did not like where this was going. Granted, the idea of being used as a sacrifice to summon Death himself was unappealing, but Cedric just so happened to think that, aside from his impending doom, summoning Death was just and all-around bad idea. The newly resurrected Lord Voldemort, however, apparently disagreed.

"Now, rise, and heed my summons, Death!" Voldemort announced. If Cedric hadn't been terrified for his life, he would have probably told Voldemort that excessive exclamation marks and overuse over italics was unhealthy (it paid to have a Ravenclaw girlfriend). Instead, he opted for turning to Harry.

"Do you see any way out of this?" he asked, politely. It was important to be polite, Cedric thought, even if you were about to die.

"Not really," Harry responded. "Unless whatever he's summoning kills him instead of us." That was unlikely, so Cedric didn't bother clinging to that hope.

There was a flash of light, and then everything went to hell.

***SCENE CHANGE NO JUTSU***

If Celty Sturluson were anyone else, she would have snapped by now. Luckily for everyone involved, Celty had spent the last, oh, twelve years with Shinra and his crazy father, so she was used to this nonsense. Her shadows strained from the effort of putting up with Shizuo's ridiculous strength, as well as Izaya's acrobatic maneuvers (how he managed to be so graceful while suspended and bound in mid air, she didn't know, but he was doing it), but she somehow managed to hold them apart from one another.

[You're sixteen,] she wrote. [Can you please go for one day without trying to kill each other?]

"Sure," Shizuo growled, throwing another pointless punch at his enemy. "As soon as that damn flea drops dead!"

"Aw, that's sweet~" Izaya cooed. "I hope you drop dead too."

"Hold Shizuo-kun still so I can dissect him!" Shinra chirped. No one listened to him, partly because they were busy, and partly because at that moment the ground opened up and swallowed them all whole.

***SCENE CHANGE NO JUTSU***

Harry and Cedric stared. Voldemort and Pettigrew stared. The Death Eaters probably also stared, but it was impossible to tell. Celty, in her shock, dropped Shizuo and Izaya. All four looked around.

"This looks like Britain," said Izaya, in English.

"What the fuck did you just say?" asked Shizuo, in Japanese. Unlike Izaya, he didn't spend ninety-eight percent of his free time obsessively becoming a polyglot.

"Who are you?" Voldemort demanded. "Which one of you is Death?" Celty stepped forward, typing on her PDA.

[Hi there! My name is Celty.] She wrote. [I'm a Dullahan, if that's what you mean.] Voldemort glowered at her.

"Very well, Dullahan," Voldemort proclaimed. "I demand immortality!"

"Wait, you can do that?" Izaya asked, turning towards the Headless Rider.

[I… don't think I can,] she replied. [I've never tried, though.]

"Why, do you want to be immortal?" asked Shinra, who had decided to learn English simply because. He also knew Irish, because Celty was Irish, and he thought she might appreciate that.

"Nah," Izaya decided. "That would make life boring."

"Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on?" Shizuo growled.

"Deus ex Machina!" One of the Death Eaters called out, casting a translation spell. He did this partly because none of the wizards understood what Shizuo was saying, and partly because it's easier to make jokes that way.

"Oh, hey, thanks," said Shizuo, who now had a perfect understanding of the English language. Absently, Harry wondered how a random Death Eater knew a translation spell, even though he distinctly remembered Fudge having no way to cross the language barrier with the Brazilian Minister back at the Quidditch World Cup. He'd assumed that wizards had to learn new languages the Muggle way, but it was possible that Fudge was just an idiot.

"I, Lord Voldemort, have brought you these two sacrifices!" said Voldemort. "I present them to you, Death, in exchange for my immortality!" If Celty had eyes, she would have blinked. Since she didn't, Shinra did it for her.

"I don't think she can do that," the future doctor told the Dark Lord. "Sorry."

"What?" Voldemort bellowed. "I command her to!" Shinra shrugged.

"She can't do what she can't do," he said simply. Izaya glanced down at his watch, and paled.

"Oh shit, I'm late." He hissed. Everyone turned to look at him. "I have a date with Mikage in half-an-hour," he explained, face completely white. "If I'm not on time…" he trailed off, looking horrified.

"What, she'll do something horrible to you?" Cedric asked, feeling empathy towards the younger boy. Izaya shook his head.

"Not what you're thinking," he said. He paused for dramatic effect. "I won't get laid." The Death Eaters (and Cedric) gasped in horror. Voldemort, who didn't know what that meant, and Harry, who'd never had a girlfriend, just blinked. Shinra, Celty, and Shizuo just rolled their eyes (well, Celty's eye-roll was a metaphorical one, obviously, but…).

"Dumbass." Shizuo sneered, feeling proud for knowing something Izaya didn't. "There's a time difference between Japan and Britain. Your watch is fast."

"Don't be stupid, stupid," Izaya sneered right back. Izaya, Harry and Cedric saw, had mastered the art of sneering, smirking, and scowling all at once. "Why the hell would my watch be set to British time?" Shizuo shrugged.

"You're a freak of nature," he said simply.

"Says the uncultured brute."

"You goddamn flea!"

"Oversized amoeba!"

"Prick!"

"Protozoan!"

"Slimy little parasite!"

"Shizu-chan." Celty's shadows snatched both of them up, and they continued to yell insults at each other, just a little more than an arm's length apart.

"They'll be at this for a while," Shinra said cheerfully. "We might as well take care of business now." He turned to Voldemort, eyes gleaming. "Might I ask where your nose is?"

"The Great Lord Voldemort needs no nose!" Voldemort declared. A scalpel appeared in Shinra's hand.

"Really…" he murmured, a grin spreading over his face. "Would you mind if I dissected you?" Celty decided that he needed to be restrained too. "Celty! My love! I won't dissect him if you don't want me to, but at least let me–" Maybe a gag wasn't a bad idea either.

"Oh, hey!" Izaya called, turning towards Voldemort. "Can you send me home now, Mr. Freaky Snake Man?"

"How dare you call Lord Voldemort a 'freaky snake man'?" Voldemort snarled angrily (not that there's really any other way to snarl). "I am the most powerful wizard in the world!" Harry scowled.

"Dumbledore's a better wizard than you," he muttered. Voldemort ignored him in favor of repeating himself. Izaya looked unimpressed.

"Yeah, well, I am teenager with an IQ of 178," he snapped. "Top that, Mr. Freaky Snake Man." Voldemort shot a spell at him that was probably the Killing Curse. Izaya back flipped out of the way. "Aw, are you jealous because I have a sexy girlfriend and you just have that crazy chick?"

"How'd you know about Bellatrix?" Voldemort asked.

"How'd you get an IQ that high?" Cedric asked.

"How'd you do a back flip while restrained by a magic shadow?" Harry asked.

"Is your girlfriend really that sexy?" a random Death Eater asked. Izaya took a deep breath, but Shinra answered for him.

"He's got an information network almost as big as his ego, he's a genius in everything except not being a dick (and he cheated on the IQ test), he practices parkour because Shizuo-kun is always trying to kill him, and Sharaku Mikage was voted 'most attractive girl in the school' last year, so yes." the bespectacled man said this all very quickly, and Harry absently wondered if he was related to Hermione.

"Way to steal my thunder, Shinra," Izaya grumbled. Shinra just grinned.

"Okay, this is pissing me off," Shizuo growled.

"Generic random insult," Izaya responded, too lazy to come up with an actual snarky comment.

"Well, if you refuse to grant me immortality, then you're of no use to me, scum!" Voldemort announced, feeling a bit forgotten. He raised his wand. "Avada Kedavra!" The spell slammed into Celty, who, being a Dullahan, was completely unaffected. Voldemort stared. "You're supposed to be dead," he told her.

[Sorry,] Celty responded. [I don't think it works like that.]

"Oh, hey, that was pretty neat!" Izaya chirped. "So 'Kedavra' must come from 'cadaver', which is Latin for 'corpse', which is pretty clever, seeing as your name is 'Lord Voldemort'. 'Voldemort', as you surely already know, is French for 'flight of death' (which is kinda pretentious, come to think of it), so having a spell with the word 'cadaver' in it really adds to the whole death motif you've got going on."

"Thank you, Captain Exposition," said Cedric, who had been feeling a bit left out. Harry, who had only had three lines up to now, decided not to comment.

At that moment, with a flash, a blue police box appeared out of nowhere, and out jumped Barty Crouch Jr., because apparently this joke hasn't been made enough.

"My Lord!" Barty proclaimed, forgetting that he still looked like Mad-Eye Moody. "I have returned to service you!"

"Uh, gross." the random Death Eater who isn't important enough to get a name (TRDEWIIETGAN) said. Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"Oh, grow up," the poster boy for 'psychopathic manchild' snapped. When no one was looking, Izaya snatched the TARDIS and disappeared, figuring it would be both an easy way to get to Mikage, and a nice souvenir. Lack of parental guidance had screwed him up more than he'd like to admit.

"Hey, that's mine!" Barty protested, who had apparently been looking even though the last paragraph said that no one had been. Shizuo shrugged.

"At least he's gone," the faux blond pointed out. There was a flash, and the TARDIS returned. "GODDAMMITSHIT!" Izaya flung himself out the door, his twin sisters clinging to his shoulders.

"Best vacation ever," he declared.

"Wee!" said Mairu.

"Wee." Kururi agreed.

"Aw, they're cute!" said TRDEWIIETGAN. Izaya snorted.

"Give them five minutes," he said flatly. "They won't be so cute when they're tearing out your spleen and feeding it to your children."

"Can I have my TARDIS back?" Barty Crouch asked hopefully.

"Sorry, it's ours now," said Izaya cheerfully. With tremendous effort, he rotated the police box so that Barty Crouch could see the door, which had been decorated in bright pink spray paint that read: PROPERTY OF THE ORIHARA TRIO.

"Why is it in English?" Cedric asked. "Aren't you guys Japanese?"

"Mairu and Kururi don't speak English," Izaya explained, conveniently forgetting about the translation spell. "But English is the most well-known language, so Kururi just chose the color and Mairu chose the wording."

"That makes sense," said Gandalf, who had simply happened by. "By any chance, have any of you fine folk seen an invisible midget with a ring?" Harry, sick of not having any lines, opened his mouth to point out that seeing an invisible anything was pretty much impossible, but Izaya got there first.

"We sure did!" he chirped. "He ran off that way."

"As long as he isn't lost," Gandalf said gravely, deciding that it would be too much trouble to actually do anything about it. He wandered off, presumably to find some more midgets and send them off on dangerous adventures against their will.

"Can I go home now?" Shizuo asked. "I don't want Kasuka to worry."

"Die, muggle!" Voldemort announced. He would have just yelled, but he thought announcing sounded more professional.

"What's a muggle?" Shizuo asked.

"A non-magic person," Harry explained, glad to finally get a word in.

"Shizu-chan isn't normal," Izaya noted. "But I'm all for killing him. Don't let me stop you. Full steam ahead, freaky snake guy!"

"Is he ever going to stop calling me that?" asked Voldemort, too exasperated to emphasize as much as he usually would.

"Not a chance," Shinra told him happily. "Once he's given you a nickname, it'll be written on your grave~"

"Lord Voldemort shall never have a grave!" Voldemort sneered.

"What, never?" Izaya asked, surprised. "Wow, people must hate you more than they hate me!" Mairu tugged on her brother's sleeve.

"Wanna go a-toilet," she informed him, using what little English she knew. It wasn't clear why those particular words had stuck with her, but the seven year old was developing a talent for spewing out the most awkward words at the most awkward times. Izaya was very proud. Kururi tugged on her brother's other sleeve.

"Wanna-wanna sweetie," she said. Kururi's grasp of the English language was not enough to fully utilize her odd way of speaking, so she had simply decided to quote Terry Pratchett books. Izaya was very proud.

"No." said her brother flatly. "Sweeties are bad for you." Kururi tugged on his hair, not because she was disappointed by what he'd said, but because she hadn't understood a word of it. She still didn't speak English.

AN: I'm a horrible person. Oh well. Anyway, I already know that at least one person will read this, so I'll post it after school (or during school, if I get really bored in 4th or 6th period). Also, to my AO3 readers, most of my stories are on , and I'm thinking about bringing them over here as well. I'd like some thoughts on this, but be warned that I'm going to have made up my mind by the end of the day (the actual day, not the school day), so any feedback will have to been in by then. Also, some of my work is on a flashdrive that I, being who I am, will probably never see again. This will not change anything, but I thought you should know that that's going to make it take a bit longer to get everything up. Also, since I can't bring Vorona into the story (), I will accept suggestions for a Shizuo pairing. Can't say for sure whether it'll happen, but there's a definite possibility.

Lastly, before anyone says that Izaya and Mikage never slept together, it should be noted that Izaya just said that he hadn't raped, which made Eijirō freak out and question whether they'd had consensual sex (very loudly), which made Mikage dropkick him across the street – all of that implies that, yes, they slept together. My personal headcanon is that Mikage dropped out after getting pregnant, but that won't show up here. As for the TARDIS, I feel like I should clarify that Izaya is not a Time Lord (Kururi might be, though).