Title: A Stylish, Yet Affordable Buffy Fanfic
Author: Alexandra Lyman
Dedication: To Poly, ozfan, and little_bit for raising the bar.
Buffy "Heeeavaaan" Summers looked in the mirror.
"I can do this. I can do this." she said to her reflection.
"You can do what?" Dawn "Citre Shine Spray" Summers popped up behind Buffy's left shoulder.
"GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!" Buffy yelled.
"Hey, that's my catchphrase!"
Dawn flounced out of the bathroom, her amazingly shiny hair lighting a trail behind her.
Buffy looked back into the mirror. She could do this. She could walk into the Magic Box and tell her friends that she was having hot monkey sex with Spike. They'd been nearly caught so many times, there was only so many excuses she could come up with, "Spike's studying to be a chiropracter, I dropped my keys down his pants, he dropped his keys in my bra, a demon stole both our clothes. God, my friends are stupid."
Tara "Not a Demon" Maclay popped her head into the bathroom, "Goddess." she corrected.
Buffy went back into the bedroom and grabbed one of her sixteen black leather jackets. Not to be confused with her eight other leather jackets in assorted colours, or her eleven suede jackets, or her twenty-three fabric jackets.
"Maybe if I sold some of my wardrobe I wouldn't be so broke." Buffy thought. Then she grabbed the J. Crew catalouge and placed an order for three shearling jackets.
"Hey, Key to the Future of the Universe! Let's go!"
***********
Buffy and Dawn stepped into the Magic Box and found the rest of the gang assembled. Xander "Puffy" Harris was getting it on with a box of Krispy Kreme, Anya "Peroxide" Jenkins was rolling nude in a pile of money, and Willow "Tastes like Strawberries" Rosenberg was frantically gulping down bottled water. For a second Buffy wondered if spending so much time in a magic shop was a bad idea for a magic addict like Willow, but then she went temporarily blind from the glare off Dawn's hair and forgot about it.
"Buffy! The Buff-meister, Buff-a-Roni! What's up?" Xander asked cheerfully, "Is it about evil? An evil hell-god? An evil Frankenstien monster? Evil mayor? Evil hairdresser?"
"When did you guys fight an evil hairdresser?" Dawn asked.
"Well, I figure there's got to be at least one running around." Xander said, glancing over at Anya.
"It's not about an evil hairdresser. I have something to tell you guys, but we need to wait until Spike gets here."
Hearing his entrance cue, Spike "Cor" the Bloody came through the door. He lit a cigarette and inhaled sharply, the light playing over his impossibly defined cheekbones. Buffy just about had a Slayer orgasm from the sight.
Willow managed to pry herself away from her water long enough to ask, "What did you want to tell us, Buffy?"
Buffy took a deep breath, stepped over to Spike, and took his hand.
"Spike and I are together."
Xander rowed a boat down a river in Egypt and said, "Yeah, we can see the two of you standing together. But what did you have to tell us?"
"Bloody hell," Spike muttered, "Buffy and I are shagging. You hear that Harris? SHAGGING! Making the bloody beast with two bloody backs. We do it in my crypt. We do it in abandoned buildings. We do it in the Brozne. Cor, we were doing it the the dressing room of the sodding Gap when we all went to the mall last Thursday!"
"Come to think of it, I was wondering why Spike would be trying on khakis." Anya said from her money pile.
Xander and Willow were horrified, "Spike! You're sleeping with Spike!" Willow said, "Buffy what's the matter with you? That's more unbelivable then my being GAY NOW!"
"No it's not! Hello, first boyfriend was a vamp! You were in love with two MEN before Tara, for the love of God!"
"Goddess," Tara corrected.
Willow opened her mouth to yell at Buffy, then remembered she was supposed to be going through withdrawl and started gulping down water instead.
"Buffy, how could you?" Xander said, scarfing down a bag of Doritoes. "Are you under a spell?"
Willow jumped, "It wasn't me, I swear! Spells, who said spells, there's no spells here! I'm beating this thing! I'm going to my Spellaholic meetings every day! I threw out all my Harry Potter books!"
Tara started patting Willow on the back, "There, there sweetie, no one's accusing you of anything. Now why don't you sniff some ginger and lie down?"
"Ginger?" Buffy asked when Willow had left the room.
"It's like Wicca methadone." Tara explained.
In a corner of the shop Dawn was stuffing a crystal ball down her shirt. "What's that noise?" she asked, "It sounds like a helicopter."
Suddenly a bright spotlight, brighter then Dawn's hair even, illuminated the floor of the shop. Two ropes dropped from the ceiling and two people started rappeling down them.
"Hey all!" Riley "Get the Hell off my TV" Finn greeted the stunned Scooby gang. He unzipped his flak jacket to reveal a shirt that read "I Let A VampHo Suck Me And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt". Next to him, Samantha "Mary Sue" Finn waved.
"It's everyone's favourite Iowa farm boy returned!" Riley said.
Xander looked around, "Radar from MASH is here?"
Riley strode over to Buffy, "I need your help again. A slash demon is on the loose. Very dangerous. It runs around and makes people have homosexual encounters."
"Oh that," Buffy said, "Yeah, I killed that one three days ago, just when Xander and Spike were about to..."
"Buffy!" Xander and Spike both yelled.
"Sorry. Never talk about it again, I remember. Anyway, demon's dead."
"Oh," Riley looked disappointed, "I guess you don't need me. You never needed me Buffy!"
"Yeah, yeah," Buffy rolled her eyes, "Seen it a million times on the FX reruns. I shut you out, didn't love you, yadda, yadda, yadda."
Spike put his arms around Buffy's waist, "Sod off Finn. Slayer's my girl now."
"You said Spike had no chance with you in this lifetime!"
"Right," Buffy agreed, "He didn't. But then I DIED. So this is a different lifetime."
"Wait, when did you die?" Riley asked.
"Jeez, check your e-mail once in a while." Xander muttered.
Seeing that there was nothing left for him in Sunnydale, Riley grabbed Samantha around the waist and had the helicopter airlift them out. Unfortunately about a block away, he lost his grip and dropped Sam a hundred and fifty feet.
********
Back in the Magic Box, Buffy and Spike had started making out on top of the counter. Xander was hyperventilating into a paper bag, Anya was patting his back and counting twenties, Tara was making "What Would Lesbians Do?" bracelets, and as usual, no one gave a rat's ass what Dawn was doing.
Spike stopped kissing Buffy long enough to light a cigarette and saw Willow emerging from the back room.
"Bloody hell!" he said.
Everyone looked. Willow had changed from her fugly orange and yellow sweater to a sleek, low cut black top.
"Crap." Buffy muttered. When Willow was dressed sexy it could only mean one thing. She was going to do evil magic.
"Willow no!" Tara yelled, "Fight the addiction!"
"I can't help it! I must save Buffy from Spike's evil clutches! She's my best friend!"
Buffy threw herself in front of her undead lover, "What about your other best friend Will?"
Willow paused, "What are you talking about?"
"You want to save me from Spike's evil clutches, well, what about Anya? She was evil for ten times longer then Spike was! How come no one ever brings that up?"
Willow frowned, "Okay, you have a point there. Never mind." She pulled on a horrible pink hat. "I'm going to lie down again."
Spike spun Buffy around, "Cor, luv. Saved my undead skin again. Wanna go listen to the radio and talk about how each song applies to our relationship?"
Buffy thought about it, "Sure. Then we can go destroy another building with our wild hot monkey sex. The guy who owns 15 Cayer street said he'd pay us five hundred dollars to knock it down!"
Spike's face lit up, "Been looking for a way to earn a few pounds. Gotta keep my slayer in stakes and lace knickers."
Buffy and Spike hurried out of the store.
"It's nice that they've found a job they can do together." Anya remarked.
"Oh my God." Xander muttered. He caught Tara's glare, "Sorry. Oh my Goddess."
End.
Author: Alexandra Lyman
Dedication: To Poly, ozfan, and little_bit for raising the bar.
Buffy "Heeeavaaan" Summers looked in the mirror.
"I can do this. I can do this." she said to her reflection.
"You can do what?" Dawn "Citre Shine Spray" Summers popped up behind Buffy's left shoulder.
"GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!" Buffy yelled.
"Hey, that's my catchphrase!"
Dawn flounced out of the bathroom, her amazingly shiny hair lighting a trail behind her.
Buffy looked back into the mirror. She could do this. She could walk into the Magic Box and tell her friends that she was having hot monkey sex with Spike. They'd been nearly caught so many times, there was only so many excuses she could come up with, "Spike's studying to be a chiropracter, I dropped my keys down his pants, he dropped his keys in my bra, a demon stole both our clothes. God, my friends are stupid."
Tara "Not a Demon" Maclay popped her head into the bathroom, "Goddess." she corrected.
Buffy went back into the bedroom and grabbed one of her sixteen black leather jackets. Not to be confused with her eight other leather jackets in assorted colours, or her eleven suede jackets, or her twenty-three fabric jackets.
"Maybe if I sold some of my wardrobe I wouldn't be so broke." Buffy thought. Then she grabbed the J. Crew catalouge and placed an order for three shearling jackets.
"Hey, Key to the Future of the Universe! Let's go!"
***********
Buffy and Dawn stepped into the Magic Box and found the rest of the gang assembled. Xander "Puffy" Harris was getting it on with a box of Krispy Kreme, Anya "Peroxide" Jenkins was rolling nude in a pile of money, and Willow "Tastes like Strawberries" Rosenberg was frantically gulping down bottled water. For a second Buffy wondered if spending so much time in a magic shop was a bad idea for a magic addict like Willow, but then she went temporarily blind from the glare off Dawn's hair and forgot about it.
"Buffy! The Buff-meister, Buff-a-Roni! What's up?" Xander asked cheerfully, "Is it about evil? An evil hell-god? An evil Frankenstien monster? Evil mayor? Evil hairdresser?"
"When did you guys fight an evil hairdresser?" Dawn asked.
"Well, I figure there's got to be at least one running around." Xander said, glancing over at Anya.
"It's not about an evil hairdresser. I have something to tell you guys, but we need to wait until Spike gets here."
Hearing his entrance cue, Spike "Cor" the Bloody came through the door. He lit a cigarette and inhaled sharply, the light playing over his impossibly defined cheekbones. Buffy just about had a Slayer orgasm from the sight.
Willow managed to pry herself away from her water long enough to ask, "What did you want to tell us, Buffy?"
Buffy took a deep breath, stepped over to Spike, and took his hand.
"Spike and I are together."
Xander rowed a boat down a river in Egypt and said, "Yeah, we can see the two of you standing together. But what did you have to tell us?"
"Bloody hell," Spike muttered, "Buffy and I are shagging. You hear that Harris? SHAGGING! Making the bloody beast with two bloody backs. We do it in my crypt. We do it in abandoned buildings. We do it in the Brozne. Cor, we were doing it the the dressing room of the sodding Gap when we all went to the mall last Thursday!"
"Come to think of it, I was wondering why Spike would be trying on khakis." Anya said from her money pile.
Xander and Willow were horrified, "Spike! You're sleeping with Spike!" Willow said, "Buffy what's the matter with you? That's more unbelivable then my being GAY NOW!"
"No it's not! Hello, first boyfriend was a vamp! You were in love with two MEN before Tara, for the love of God!"
"Goddess," Tara corrected.
Willow opened her mouth to yell at Buffy, then remembered she was supposed to be going through withdrawl and started gulping down water instead.
"Buffy, how could you?" Xander said, scarfing down a bag of Doritoes. "Are you under a spell?"
Willow jumped, "It wasn't me, I swear! Spells, who said spells, there's no spells here! I'm beating this thing! I'm going to my Spellaholic meetings every day! I threw out all my Harry Potter books!"
Tara started patting Willow on the back, "There, there sweetie, no one's accusing you of anything. Now why don't you sniff some ginger and lie down?"
"Ginger?" Buffy asked when Willow had left the room.
"It's like Wicca methadone." Tara explained.
In a corner of the shop Dawn was stuffing a crystal ball down her shirt. "What's that noise?" she asked, "It sounds like a helicopter."
Suddenly a bright spotlight, brighter then Dawn's hair even, illuminated the floor of the shop. Two ropes dropped from the ceiling and two people started rappeling down them.
"Hey all!" Riley "Get the Hell off my TV" Finn greeted the stunned Scooby gang. He unzipped his flak jacket to reveal a shirt that read "I Let A VampHo Suck Me And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt". Next to him, Samantha "Mary Sue" Finn waved.
"It's everyone's favourite Iowa farm boy returned!" Riley said.
Xander looked around, "Radar from MASH is here?"
Riley strode over to Buffy, "I need your help again. A slash demon is on the loose. Very dangerous. It runs around and makes people have homosexual encounters."
"Oh that," Buffy said, "Yeah, I killed that one three days ago, just when Xander and Spike were about to..."
"Buffy!" Xander and Spike both yelled.
"Sorry. Never talk about it again, I remember. Anyway, demon's dead."
"Oh," Riley looked disappointed, "I guess you don't need me. You never needed me Buffy!"
"Yeah, yeah," Buffy rolled her eyes, "Seen it a million times on the FX reruns. I shut you out, didn't love you, yadda, yadda, yadda."
Spike put his arms around Buffy's waist, "Sod off Finn. Slayer's my girl now."
"You said Spike had no chance with you in this lifetime!"
"Right," Buffy agreed, "He didn't. But then I DIED. So this is a different lifetime."
"Wait, when did you die?" Riley asked.
"Jeez, check your e-mail once in a while." Xander muttered.
Seeing that there was nothing left for him in Sunnydale, Riley grabbed Samantha around the waist and had the helicopter airlift them out. Unfortunately about a block away, he lost his grip and dropped Sam a hundred and fifty feet.
********
Back in the Magic Box, Buffy and Spike had started making out on top of the counter. Xander was hyperventilating into a paper bag, Anya was patting his back and counting twenties, Tara was making "What Would Lesbians Do?" bracelets, and as usual, no one gave a rat's ass what Dawn was doing.
Spike stopped kissing Buffy long enough to light a cigarette and saw Willow emerging from the back room.
"Bloody hell!" he said.
Everyone looked. Willow had changed from her fugly orange and yellow sweater to a sleek, low cut black top.
"Crap." Buffy muttered. When Willow was dressed sexy it could only mean one thing. She was going to do evil magic.
"Willow no!" Tara yelled, "Fight the addiction!"
"I can't help it! I must save Buffy from Spike's evil clutches! She's my best friend!"
Buffy threw herself in front of her undead lover, "What about your other best friend Will?"
Willow paused, "What are you talking about?"
"You want to save me from Spike's evil clutches, well, what about Anya? She was evil for ten times longer then Spike was! How come no one ever brings that up?"
Willow frowned, "Okay, you have a point there. Never mind." She pulled on a horrible pink hat. "I'm going to lie down again."
Spike spun Buffy around, "Cor, luv. Saved my undead skin again. Wanna go listen to the radio and talk about how each song applies to our relationship?"
Buffy thought about it, "Sure. Then we can go destroy another building with our wild hot monkey sex. The guy who owns 15 Cayer street said he'd pay us five hundred dollars to knock it down!"
Spike's face lit up, "Been looking for a way to earn a few pounds. Gotta keep my slayer in stakes and lace knickers."
Buffy and Spike hurried out of the store.
"It's nice that they've found a job they can do together." Anya remarked.
"Oh my God." Xander muttered. He caught Tara's glare, "Sorry. Oh my Goddess."
End.