Title: Inevitable Loneliness
Author: Dana-chaaan.
Information: Manga - Misc. - Beyond My Touch - MizunoXTakayama
Summary: "He said he'd never leave. But, the end always comes."
Author's Note: Ever since I read this one-shot, I've always felt the want to write a story on it. Alas, I found did not have a category for it and was discouraged. However, I'm here, after deciding that I will not give up this urge. I don't care if no one's read this one-shot manga, I adore it, and this is my contributation to it.
.Start
Mamoru Takayama. My male classmate who died about six months back. School has started up once again, and I'm still in that same high school. I have switched classrooms, however, and the school has not acknowledged the death of last year this year. No flowers were put on a desk to signify the loss. No class had the name "Mamoru Takayama" on their roll call to show he used to be a student here. No, it had all been erased.
I'm still the loner of the class. I don't like to talk to many people. I don't like to put myself in certain groups. I'd rather stay to myself and ignore all that's going on around me. I'd rather sit solemnly at my desk and possibly read an insightful book compared to chatting and laughing with other classmates. Occasionally someone will introduce themselves to me, as it is only the first week of school, and I'll be polite and state my name. Any further conversation will have died and I will be left alone to my devices.
I have lived like this for a long time.
Opposingly, when I go home, I'm still not social like at school. But, at home, I'm always greeted with a happy smile and a "welcome home". For about six months now, I have been haunted by the ghost of my previous classmate: Mamoru Takayama. His regret, which still confuses me as to why it's such a thing, is what is keeping him here on earth. He claims he's fallen in love with me and wants a kiss before he can die in peace.
At first, I was scared to let someone in, because for so many years I had been assoicated with loneliness. And, having someone repeatedly smiling at me and desperately trying to get my attention and affections, was not helping me one bit. I knew that he'd leave for Heaven eventually, and I understood I'd be left alone, so I tried my best to ignore the fact that he was there all along. Of course, the opposite happened.
I fell in love with him.
Never before had a felt such strong feelings toward another. It didn't matter that he was dead, only complicated this problem more and more. He promised, though, the day I did kiss him, that he wouldn't leave if it meant he'd be making me cry. I knew I should've let him die happy and not burden him with my troubles, but for once, I was going to be selfish. I was going to want him for myself.
Two months or so past from that incident, and still he grew not bored with me. For years on end, I refused to smile and let mysefl be happy. But, he made me. He helped me. He was my happiness, as pathetic as it sounded. I was so glad I was presented with someone like him, until I realized he was dead. I had known before, of course, but it really hit me hard. He was dead. Eventually, the time comes for him to leave this earth, regardless of whether or not he's worked through his regrets.
He would leave me soon enough.
Apparently, he had been counting the days, and told me that today was the 209th day since his death. Practically seven months. I didn't say anything to him at the time. He was always fearful of the days that were multiples of seven. I secretly was as well, for those were the days claiming to take him away. That day, though, I let him cling to me like he always tends to do. I didn't push him away that day, I couldn't.
And, just as I was getting ready to sleep after another exhausting day, preparing for the school day that was to greet me tomorrow. He walked through my wall, eyes sad like he was keeping a secret from me or anything relevent to that. I was sure my own eyes gave off my curiousity at the look, but he was staring painfully at the floor of my room.
"Mizuno, I promised to you I wouldn't leave if it meant seeing you unhappy," he said, and yes, of couse I knew that. However, as he moved to speak again, I kept my mouth shut, "I just want you to know, in case," here, I sensed the urgency and uncertainty, "I really do love you, Mizuno."
I didn't know what to say to him. Never before had he said those words with such seriousness. Normally he was saying them in a joking tone, or an explaining tone, or a simple "whatever" tone. I had known he meant them all the same, but hearing them spoken so differently was unnerving. As if he felt this was the last time he would ever say them again.
I choked on my thoughts. Maybe that was it. Maybe he knew he'd never be able to say them again. Maybe he wanted so bad to hear them come out of my own mouth, so that he could live (die? unlive?) off of that and keep himself happy. I understood what I needed to do. What I wanted to do. I wanted to tell him, because I haven't before, and if he were to disappear tomorrow, no matter how sad and lonely that'd make me, I'd want him to know.
"I... Takayama... I lo..." I desperately tried to get the words out of my mouth, but they wouldn't budge.
"It's okay, Mizuno, I understand," I looked up only to be greeted with a small smile. Before I could say anything else, he disappeared through my walls and I knew it'd be hopeless. Forgetting it for the night, I desperately tried to sleep.
II
I saw him the next morning, but I decided upon saying anything to him. Leaving for school early, I left him behind at the house, knowing full well the look he was most likely giving me.
School went by amazingly slow, and I hated it yet loved it. I wanted to go home to make sure Takayama hadn't disappeared on me yet, but I also wanted to avoid the inevitable for just a while longer. Of course, the minutes passed by, along with the hours and soon enough it was time for me to head back home.
Walking leisurely, I put the key in the hole without rushing and opened the door comfortably. Just like I had prepared myself for, the house was dark. There was no happy little ghost greeting me back into the home we had shared. Just me and this old house. And no matter how much I had tried to prepare myself for this moment, it hurt so bad. I was brilliantly painful and all I wanted was for it to end.
"Takayama," I yelled to the ceiling, "You could've told me you really were leaving today!" My eyes were squeezed shut as I felt my legs lose their power and I clambered to the floor. I felt warm tears drip from my tight eyelids. I yelled more words that I didn't even understand, knowing how pathetic this might've looked, but not caring in the slightest.
"I'm sorry," I heard myself say in a whisper, "I'm sorry. I should've realized. You said you'd never leave. You said that to me, but I should've known. I should've known the end always comes. I'm sorry." I rambled obscene apologies, imagining a fleeting hand on my shoulder, like he was forgiving me from up in Heaven. My eyes relaxed and I swallowed a lump in my throat, trying to even my breathing.
"I never told you, but I love you, too, Takayama," I said breathlessly, opening my eyes sadly, readying myself for the absent day today was to be.
"Good," a fairly distinct body in front of me said, "I like it that way." I witnessed the grin I thought I'd forever be without. And realized how much I had just assumed. Without even thinking about it, I stood up and wrapped my arms around his neck, never wanting to let go.
End.
Author's Note: Cute ending, ne? I thought so. Bwahaha. Anyways, review?