What just happened?
Did she seriously just do that?
What the hell was she thinking?
Why did she?
Why did I let her?
I mean, I never admitted to it, but Chris was right two years ago. No one gets close enough unless I let them. Even Nick didn't, at least not until after the Perik incident, but obviously that didn't last long. I just started climbing higher up that tree until the fall was hard enough to break. Break what? Still not sure, but I made sure it wouldn't be just me. This is different. I'm not scrambling to the highest branch. I'm too confused to do anything more than just sit at the bottom asking the same questions repeatedly.
What? Holly kissed me.
Seriously? The tingle running through my lips proved that yes, seriously.
What the hell? No freaking clue. I was waiting for her to throw another jab like she has ever since we first met, not her smooth, soft lips. Those lips that…no. Stopping with that question.
Why did I let her? - no comment.
I couldn't avoid her even if I tried, which honestly I haven't. It happened, and we kept texting as if it didn't. No answers were given because there was never a question to answer in the first place. Not that I wasn't curious as hell because I've thought about it all week on repeat, but I would like to say I know Holly very well. Extremely well given that we've only known each other for only so many weeks. Either way, Holly would have apologized if she felt the need to.
It wouldn't have been the first time another girl kissed me, but after each occurrence, the other girl always apologized. In reality, I didn't mind. Some were pretty cute, but I never really knew them. It was always the same in the end. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I just – I didn't mean to." That's where I always lost control of her snark. To me, it was a complement when someone randomly kissed me because it meant I meant something to someone, a feeling quickly squashed by "I didn't mean to."
Think about it.
Someone takes that extra step, one I have never taken, and before I even had time to process it, they pull away and say they didn't mean it. And it's never a simple apology. It's the rambling, high-pitched, flustered type that makes me cringe, makes me feel that kissing me was the biggest mistake they've ever made, which it was. It always was. I made sure of it. I may not express my personal feelings well enough with words, but words used as poisoned-tipped daggers? Those are my specialty. I sharpened my words to the point where I can make anyone run in fear within ten seconds flat.
Not Holly.
Holly simply kissed me and replied with her own charming form of mocking, disappearing before I could really figure out what to say. She gave me the time to process it. Too much time. I'm still processing it.
Despite all my questions, I don't want to give Holly the opportunity to join the countless other girls and woman who made a mistake. I don't know what I want Holly as, but I don't want to be another mistake. Especially not for someone who thinks I worth the extra step; the step that changes everything.