July 27, 3:48 am.
The cold night air hit her lungs fiercely as she got out of her place, it was about to rain, and really hard. She was really late and she could practically feel a hole in her stomach.
"Fuck" Laura muttered, half angry and half concerned.
She's being trying desperately to reach Taylor on her cellphone but she's got no response from the blonde beauty.
Laura walked as fast as she could through the NY streets, face half hidden by sunglasses and a NY Yankees cap, fast pacing towards Taylor's apartment.
Her mind was racing and her heart was beating fast. Both in a good and in a bad way. She could feel the adrenaline running through her body, it made her uneasy and she wanted to just run as fast as she could, but that would attract people and it was exactly what she didn't want.
She was just a couple of blocks away from Tay's birthday party when her cellphone beeped, signaling the arrival of a text message.
Taylor: Don't bother showing up. It's almost over any way.
Her blood turned to ice and she felt like she had been punched and all the air has being sucked out of her. This could not be happening.
She debated whether to text her back or just arrive to the party. It didn't really matter because any way, Taylor would give her a really hard time and she was sure that this time Taylor was really fed up, but she wasn't ready to let her go that easily. So she decided that it was better to show up to the party, or what was left of it.
A pleasant buzz filled her whole body.
Taylor decided that her best choice was to keep getting drunk the whole night but just right to the point where you're just light-headed and happy and cheerful, because she knew that if she got really drunk, she'd immediately cry her heart out.
Before the party, she was feeling extremely sad, jealous, anxious and paranoid, so she was about to cancel everything because she felt betrayed and worthless.
But she was convinced to have a really nice time with her friends by Natasha Lyonne, who happened to know exactly what (or rather who) was going through Tay's mind.
July 26, 7:13 pm.
"Sorry, Tay, but as much as she's my friend too, I've got to tell you to try to breathe, relax, chill with your friends, and if she's making stupid things because she thinks that's the way of handling things right, then, fuck her. Really! You can't be in pain and suffering all the time because of her, because as much as we all know what she feels, she won't give you the place you deserve, at least not now.
And I'm really sorry if I'm hurting you right now, but you can, you have to, and you will be fine with whatever she does, okay? You're really too beautiful and amazing to be like this, girl!
So… fuck her, you know? I love her too, but fuck her." Lyonne practically screamed.
Taylor was crying by now, but she knew that Tasho's words had a point and that even if she loved her, some people were destined to never be together, and so she made up her mind and decided to not call her or text her at all.
"I don't think she'll show up any way, to be honest. It would "ruin her appearance." Taylor air quoted and said mockingly.
She still felt worthless and jealous and sad, but now she was also angry.
So Taylor, reluctantly at first, began receiving her guests, finding out that whenever someone new arrived and hugged her and showed her their affection, she was less and less thinking about the only person she wanted by her side but was nowhere to be found.
Natasha, Tay, Uzo and all the regular friends were chatting and dancing their asses off, having fun and drinking cheerfully.
"Hey, it's almost midnight guys!" Uzo announced happily.
Music was turned down a bit and everybody gathered around Taylor in a circle, waiting for the clock to announce midnight and with it, Taylor's 32nd birthday.
They all yelled and cat whistled, saying things like: "We love you, Tay!" or "You're the best!" at the same time, when Tasho raised her right arm, index finger in the air and all and silenced everyone, while staring at her left wrist, where her watch was.
"10… 9… 8…" she started yelling and soon everyone was making the countdown.
"3… 2… 1… HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAYLOR!" they all screamed and everyone started hugging her in turns.
She felt elated, and thankful because she had really good friends who loved her and supported her, so she thought fuck her, indeed.
She kept dancing and drinking carelessly, so by three in the morning, the whole "drinking just to the point of light-headedness" was long forgotten, she was wasted as fuck and was laughing hysterically, starting to think more and more about Laura and how she really didn't show up, and it was starting to break her heart.
Being as drunk as she was, it never occurred to her that maybe she had a problem and that's why she didn't arrive, but her mind was playing tricks on her and her inner voice kept repeating her that she didn't care, that she's really in love with fucking Ben Foster.
So, by 4 o'clock, she took out her cellphone and boldly typed a message to Laura, telling her to not bother, sent it and threw her cellphone far away from her.
Almost everyone had said their goodbyes and left, except for Uzo, Jackie, Natasha, Samira and Danielle.
"You okay there?" Tasho asked her suddenly when she noticed that Taylor had zoned out for a while now.
"Yeah, I'm okay, just sent her a text, telling her to not show up." Taylor half slurred.
"Ah… well, maybe she didn't get it." Tasho said with a worried expression, putting her hands on Taylor's shoulders.
"What do you mean?" the blonde asked, oblivious.
"I mean that she's here." Natasha said looking sideways to a spot behind and left to Taylor where she supposed Laura was standing now.
Her heart suddenly was thrumming loudly in her ears and caught in her constricting throat.
She tried her best to blink back tears and took a really deep breath before turning around to face her brunette beauty.
As soon as she did, every fucking cliché that ever existed, came true because she felt every atom in her body practically attracted like a magnet to her, and time ceased to exist in an instant. Her brain was on overload and for a second, every bad thought almost disappeared.
Almost.
Because Laura looked like a lost puppy, with her big emerald eyes piercing her, looking straight to her very soul. Those eyes reflected pain and so much love behind a tired expression.
But Taylor maintained her gaze on Laura and after a moment, turned around, and walked away from her.
Every muscle in the brunette's body seemed to have lost its ability to move, because as soon as she watched the blonde walk away from her, she stood frozen. Rooted to her spot.
Everyone noticed the awkward scene that unfolded before their eyes and tried their best to not make it even more uncomfortable, so Natasha took a beer from the fridge, opened it and tossed it to Laura without a single word, just a knowing look.
Samira, Uzo and Danielle walked to her and began talking normally, trying to lighten the mood. And although it could practically be cut with a knife, they acted as if nothing happened and drank a couple of beers with Laura, talked and joked while Natasha and Jackie were outside in the balcony with Taylor.
"Girl, you okay?" Jackie asked, smoking a cigarette.
"Yeah… no. But, it's okay, I guess we need to talk. Laura and me." The blonde said, asking with her hand for the cigarette.
"Look. We all know what's going on… or at least we all think we do, I don't mean to be disrespectful but everyone can tell, I mean… well, I can tell you that as far as I see… everything could work out because the whole world can practically tell that she loves you." Jackie whispered sweetly.
"Except her." Taylor said bitterly.
"Oh no, believe me… she can, SHE'S JUST SCARED SHITLESS." Tasho screamed towards the interior of the apartment.
The three of them burst out laughing.
Samira, Uzo and Danielle came to the balcony to announce that they were heading to Uzo's place, and came to say goodbye, so Jackie took the opportunity to drag Tasho apart and told her that they better go too, to let the two of them alone.
Natasha did not agree at first, because she was kind of mad at Laura but, reluctantly followed everyone and secretly organized and after party.
"So, we have to go, Tay. Happy birthday! See you on Friday, my friend." Tasho told her, seriously.
"NO!" Taylor whisper-screamed. "Don't you fucking go!"
"Sorry, blondie, as Nichols would say but… we have to go. Byeeeee" Natasha told her and walked out of the balcony towards Laura, while everybody finished saying good bye to Taylor.
"You better have a really good excuse… I still love you because you're my friend, but even I am pissed at you. Gotta go." Natasha told Laura, coldly.
"I know." Was all that Laura managed to say, nervousness dripping through every syllable.
Everyone said their goodbyes and left, leaving Taylor's apartment in complete silence. Laura was sitting in the couch in the spacious living room while Taylor was still outside.
Who would make the first move? Who would be selfless and leave her pride by her side to attempt to fix this?
In the end, it was Laura.
She walked heavily to the door leading to the balcony and stood there, frozen and trying to regain her composure to be able to speak a single word, but Taylor beat her to it.
"What? I can feel you standing there and it's kind of creepy." She said emotionless.
"I- I'm really sorry I couldn't arrive earlier, and that I wasn't able to answer your calls or texts."
Taylor let out a sardonic laugh. "You are?"
Laura flinched. That laugh hurt, and the words stung.
"I do, I'm really sorry, I have no excuses, I was just as tired as humanly possible and I just passed out, for hours straight. After I arrived home from the airport, I just took a shower and slept… until a couple of hours ago and I'm really sorry." The brunette whispered.
"Oh… Ben really must have tired you." Venom infecting every word. Jealousy and anger rising in her throat.
"Oh God. Taylor, please!" Laura felt desperate and didn't think before raising her voice.
"What? Please what? I'm not the one making stupid things, I'm not the one who's too scared to accept that I'm fucking in love! I'm not the one trying so desperately to maintain the fucking idiotic appearances!" Taylor muttered, totally mad, on the verge of tears.
"I'm really sorry, okay! I can't be like you, I'm not prepared to do it, I really care about what people say and I'm sure that if this" she motioned between them with her right hand "goes public, my whole reputation and career is over, and I'm really sorry that I hurt you, believe me when I say that I don't love him –" she was cut out by a sharp
"Fuck you. Because I fucking know that you love me, but you're just a coward and someday you'll realize that you lost me because of it. I don't fucking know if you love him or not, but I can tell you that it was not pleasant to have to look at pictures of you and him practically kissing! You broke my fucking heart, Laura." Taylor sobbed, taking her hands to her eyes to cover her face, her whole body trembled because of her quiet sobs.
Laura immediately reached her and tried to hug her. At first, Taylor let her, feeling the comfort of the arms of the woman she loved, but then she pushed her apart and told her:
"You don't get to break my heart and them comfort me too."
"I just- I-" Laura was at a loss for words.
"…"
"…"
"Just go… you have better places to be, leave me alone." Taylor said as she walked inside the house. "You know where the door is." And headed to her bedroom.
Laura immediately followed her and forced her entrance to Taylor's bedroom, although the blonde was holding the door, trying to close it.
Realizing that Laura was stronger than her, she gave up and let her in.
She locked herself in the bathroom to change and brush her teeth and after several minutes, came out and got to bed, as if Laura wasn't even there, put the blankets on top of her and rolled over to her right, giving her back to the brunette, which was just dumbly sitting in the corner of the mattress, playing with the buttons of her leather jacket.
After what seemed like hours, Laura listened carefully to Taylor's breathing and thought that she was finally asleep, so she undressed and took some of her own clothes that she had there in 'her' drawer, changed and got into bed.
She got close to the blonde and spooned her.
Taylor went stiff and her heart was pounding in her chest, feeling less drunk than an hour before, she was debating whether she should listen to Laura, kiss her, slap her, make her go or make out with her.
Her feelings were so strong that she was sure that even if she was the angriest person, she knew that eventually she'd fall again, for this woman was beyond this planet. She was the most beautiful human being in her eyes and everything about her was just perfect.
Except her need and her caring for others opinions.
Laura got closer to Taylor's left ear and whispered huskily: "Baby, I really, really love you. You have no idea. I can't look at any other person the way I look at you, I don't care about anyone either, you're the most important person to me right now and I'm really crazy about you.
Since the first day we met… you know that. I can't look at you without feeling like I'm high or drunk or both, the truth is that I've never felt this way before and although I'm really selfish, I really want to be able to touch you and to kiss you and hold you because ultimately, I can't function properly without you.
All this Ben thing… it's just publicity, you know that. I don't feel anything for him. I'm just trying to draw the attention away from you and me, because as much as I'm really sorry for this fact, I do care about the media.
But you have to know that you're really the one that has my heart and my entire thoughts, every hour of every day.
If I could, you know I would be with you, and you know that I always choose you first, I know you well enough to know that you feel like you're in the shadows with me… and that might be true, but in my heart, you're the whole universe."
Taylor didn't say a word, didn't even move, didn't turn around to face her, but a small smile started creeping to her beautiful face.
A/N: I'm sorry, I just had to write this. I hope you liked it.
My Laylor heart is broken.