TEARS IN HEAVEN
Written by Ann Rivers ann.rivers@virgin.net
Summary : Logan has one last duty to do for Didi Lowenstein…
Spoilers : Indifference
Disclaimer : L & O and its characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. No profit is being made from their use here…
Ezra Lowenstein was safe. He'd even been laughing when they'd left him with his new guardians, blissfully unaware of the tragedy and turmoil which had prompted his rescue from his parents.
They'd reached him in time, which was a godsend. But his sister, Didi… tragic, innocent, brutalised Didi…
Having left Ezra in the custody unit, they now drove back to the precinct in sombre, uncharacteristic silence – one of them out of concern, the other in barely suppressed fury.
Glancing across at his partner, Max Greevey felt that ripple of concern start to deepen. In all their years together, he'd never seen Mike Logan so deeply affected by a case as he was by this.
With the advantage of youth on his side, Logan could normally work through even the toughest shift, and still have enough energy to paint the town red with his latest lady-friend afterwards.
Now, though, his normally exuberant partner seemed to have suddenly aged beyond his years. And while Max had initially felt pity for Carla's plight, Logan's disgust towards her hadn't changed.
His reasons for that hatred still left Max Greevey as stunned as he'd been when he'd first heard them.
If anyone else had told him the cocky, confident Mike Logan had been abused as a child, he'd have laughed in their faces. But having heard it from Logan himself… after seeing Didi's brutalised body… the private horror in Logan's eyes… well, laughter was the last thing on Greevey's mind.
Movement beside him, a slight increase in the radio's volume, broke into still troubled thoughts.
As the song's hauntingly sad lyrics filled the silence, Max glanced questioningly to his right – his concern only increasing at the tautness on his partner's face… the fixed glassiness in his eyes…
It was as though the song's tragic message had caused him to retreat into himself, until nothing could reach or hurt him. Which, all things considered…
Max was still kicking himself for not picking up the clues for why this case had hit Logan so hard. Worse still, his idea of settling his partner down by turning on the radio looked to have backfired too.
For once, Mike Logan could take no pleasure in one of his favourite singer's most poignant songs. Instead, he simply sat and listened as Eric Clapton's lament for his tragically lost son played on – his only reaction to its poignancy a slight quickening in his breathing… a telltale clenching of his jaw.
When he finally spoke, swallowing around the lump in his throat, his voice was barely audible. "Max, c – could you turn the car around…? I – I mean, could you drive me back to the hospital…?"
Knowing better than to question him, Max simply nodded and took the next available turn-off.
By the time they arrived at BelleVue's pediatrics wing, a still oddly subdued Logan had more or less composed himself. Even so, his eyes were still tellingly bright as he turned in response to Max's gentle question. "You want some company, Mike…? Only I could call Marie and… well, let her know I'll be late…"
Considering this for a moment, Logan then smiled and, looking oddly awkward, shook his head. "Thanks, Max, but… well, this… this is just something that… well, I gotta do on my own, y'know…? I – I mean, thanks for the offer, and all, but… no, you get yourself home… it's okay, I'll be fine…" Pausing for a moment, Logan then cast his still deeply sceptical partner a still unconvincing smile. "And hey, Max…? Give Matt and Carrie a real tight hug from Uncle Mikey tonight, okay…?"
Realising this was an argument that he was never going to win, Max finally sighed and nodded. "Consider it done, Mike…" he said softly, making his partner one last offer as Logan got out of the car. "And Mikey…? Call me later if you need to… no matter how late… okay…?"
Smiling his thanks, Logan then moved away – leaving a proud if still troubled Max Greevey in his wake. "One of these days…" he sighed to himself, "I might finally work that kid out…"
With his own duties to keep, both from himself and his partner, Max then drove thoughtfully away.
Dr Kate Buchanan had to admit to being surprised when she found him at the little girl's bedside – the same tall, softly spoken detective that she'd seen earlier, standing the same sadly watchful vigil. In fact, she recalled, he'd been at the hospital for much of the day, checking on Didi's condition.
At first, Kate had assumed that his hesitant questioning was part of their normal police enquiries. But then she'd seen the stricken way that he'd nodded when she'd told him about the ballismus – almost as though he already knew that Didi wouldn't live to see tomorrow, let alone her next birthday.
He must have experienced this before, she thought in silent sympathy as she continued to watch him – never to know just how painfully accurate that thought was.
Gradually aware of her presence, Logan glanced up at her while still gently stroking Didi's forehead. "I hope it's okay for me to be here…" he said at last, slightly awkward as he shrugged his shoulders. "It's just that… well, I just couldn't stand the thought of her dying alone…"
Smiling her understanding as she came to stand by him, Kate thought for a moment then asked gently, "It's detective Logan, isn't it…? Can I get you anything…?"
Smiling slightly, Logan shook his head – his attention once more held by the frail body before him.
The ballismus was getting worse, confirming the realisation that was silently breaking his heart. At just six years old, Didi Lowenstein was dying… dying at her own parents' hands…
"How long does she have…?" he asked at last, reaching to gently hold one tiny, twitching hand.
Startled by the question, Kate then realised this wasn't just another hard nosed cop pursuing a case – rather a stricken, compassionate young man who was genuinely horrified by the tragedy before him. "Hours, I'd say… tonight, at the latest…" she said at last, sadly checking the various monitors – staring again in surprise at his next quiet, hesitant question.
"Is it okay if…? I – I mean, is it okay for me to hold her while she… well, until she…?"
Recovering herself, Kate then smiled in silent gratitude that, for once in her tragically short life, Didi Lowenstein would at least experience some love and safe comfort before that life ended.
Motioning for him to sit next to Didi's shoulder, she then lifted the tiny body into Mike Logan's arms, checking as he gently held her closer that the various IV lines and monitor wires were still secure.
Settling back with her cradled carefully against his chest, Logan then looked up at Kate and smiled. "Thanks, doc…"
"No, detective Logan…" Resting her hand on his shoulder, she met startled eyes with a gentle smile as she added softly, "Thank you…"
Realising what she meant, Logan smiled back and nodded, albeit sadly, before returning to his vigil.
Watching him for a moment, Kate gently squeezed his shoulder then left to continue her rounds.
Left alone once more, Logan almost wished that he'd taken up Max's offer of some friendly support. With that offer now closed, he glanced down instead to the tiny body that lay cradled against him, absently stroking Didi's hair back from her face while he tried to figure out what the hell to say.
In the end, the tragic fate which Logan knew awaited her provided him with the answer.
"Didi, honey, I don't know whether you can hear me or not…" he said at last, still stroking her hair. "But my name is Mike, and… well, I'm just gonna keep you company for a little while, okay…?" Biting his lip at the silence that followed, Logan then glanced at the medical equipment and monitors around him – shaking his head at their cold, clinical countdowns towards Didi Lowenstein's inevitable death.
Imagining how terrifying death would be to a six year old child, he then hugged Didi gently closer as he went on, "And I know it must be pretty dark where you are right now, Didi… and scary… and really lonely too… but there's nothing to be scared of, 'cos… well, because you'll be going to a much better place soon… and you're not alone, 'cos I'm here… and I promise you, Didi, where you'll be going to in a little while… well, you'll be safe and happy there, sweetheart… nothing'll hurt you any more…"
Pausing once more to gather his thoughts, Logan rested his head on the pillows and closed his eyes – sadly reflecting there were few things more awful in life than watching and waiting for someone to die.
His next awareness was of cautious movement beside him and the comforting aroma of fresh coffee. On seeing him jerk awake, Kate smiled in apology while nodding towards the tray on a nearby table. "I figured if you'd not eaten already that… well, you'd appreciate something now…" she explained, her smile widening in approval as Logan recovered himself and managed a slight smile in return.
In truth, he'd not felt much like eating, but that plateful of sandwiches and coffee did look tempting. Prompted still further by a loud growl from his stomach, Logan made his choice and started to eat. Yet even as he satisfied his hunger, his thoughts and concerns still lay with the little girl that lay so still beside him. – and the doctor who now sadly and gently tended to her.
"This must be the toughest part of your job, doc… one that… well, something you never get used to…" he said at last, glancing up at Kate while still absently stroking back Didi's hair.
"No, you're right… I must admit this part of being a doctor never gets any easier…" Kate admitted, shaking her head. Noting the latest changes in Didi's condition, she gave her patient's hand a comforting squeeze as she added softly, "And the day that I do get used to it will be the day I'll know to quit…"
Seeing him nod in rueful agreement, Kate then thought for a few moments before she sighed and added quietly, "I guess the same goes for you… I mean, as a homicide detective, you must see death every day…"
At any other time, Mike Logan would have wisecracked back at her for stating the patently obvious. Now, though, tired and dispirited, and with a young girl slowly dying in his arms, he simply nodded.
Not wanting her to mistake that tiredness for indifference, Logan then smiled slightly and shrugged. "Some deaths you expect… drug dealers, cheating abusive husbands… crackheads…" he said at last, pausing to gather his thoughts before, glancing sadly back at Didi, he whispered, "But this…"
Watching him, Kate couldn't help but wonder if she was intruding on what was clearly a personal task. For whatever reasons, he was certainly taking a more than professional interest in Didi's tragic fate.
Before she could pursue those reasons, the silence was broken by a sharp, penetrating alarm. As several others chimed in to join it, Logan could only sit and helplessly watch the inevitable result – offering Didi one last choked, comforting thought as her tenuous hold on life finally gave way. "That's it, honey… it's okay, you'll sleep safely now… yeah, you'll sleep safely now…"
Placing one last gentle kiss on the dead girl's forehead, Logan then laid her carefully down again. Head bowed in silent reverence, he closed his eyes and briefly crossed himself then rose to his feet. His sadly personal duty was over. Now it was time for the professional in him to take over.
To his credit, Paul Robinette arrived within half an hour of Logan's brief but tellingly quiet phone call. Now, turning to address Kate, his shock and sadness at this senseless tragedy was all too clear. "As soon as you can, I'll need the details…"
As Kate nodded in sad agreement, Robinette glanced towards his other, equally stricken companion. Standing opposite them, Mike Logan seemed oblivious to everything except the tiny body before him. When he finally spoke, it was in the quiet, tightly controlled tone that Paul Robinette knew only too well – the tone that warned criminals and colleagues alike that it was time to take cover. "Get them, Paul… whatever it takes, whatever you and Ben have to do, just… just get them, okay…? I don't care how you do it, just get those two sick bastards off the streets…"
With nothing else to do or say, Robinette simply nodded while watching a physically drained Mike Logan move past him - his consoling pat on Logan's shoulder met with a distinctly shaky nod of gratitude.
Once he'd left Didi's room, Logan closed the door quietly behind him before leaning back against the wall – breathing deeply to bring the churning emotions within him down to a more manageable level. Moving to a nearby phone, he hesitated for a moment, before dialling a comfortingly familiar number. "Hey, Max… it's me…"