'Finding Love in Loss'
Hey everybody, I have decided to take a little break from my other longer fic 'Catching His Heart' (if you haven't read it yet, check it out!) and write a one-shot.
Set immediately after the ending of 'Joy' Season 5 (some references to 'Finding Judas' from Season Three)
What if House had come back into Cuddy's foyer after the kiss?
~
As the door closed with a bang, signaling House's departure, Cuddy stood there, alone again and in unwelcoming silence.
"Good night," she heard herself whisper, but it fell on deaf ears.
Cuddy stood there. What just happened? One minute she was in his face, calling him a "son of a bitch" and berating him, stressing "Why do you need to negate everything?"; the next minute, he was so close to her, too close, that she could smell his aftershave as she breathed in the scent of him.
And then he leaned his head slowly down and soon they were kissing passionately, clinging to each other as her sleeve-covered hands gripped at his face.
It was over as quickly as it had begun. He pulled away and as if on cue, closed himself off, muttering "Good night", and leaving.
House didn't know why he kissed her, but as soon as he felt himself opening up to her emotions, he ended it, pulling away, immediately separating himself from her embrace. He was afraid to waver on her reaction so he turned away from her, opened the front door and let himself out in the cool evening air, without turning back.
As she stood in the now empty house, with paint cans sprawled on the floor, surrounded by the aroma of new paint, Cuddy felt the tears again start to flow down her cheeks.
At what? At the fact that she had come so close to achieving something she had wanted for years, and once again, failure seemed to rear again? At the fact that she was a lonely middle-aged woman who came home to an empty house every single night after a gruesome day at work? Cuddy shook her head, disgusted at herself, all while wondering what insane thing had just occurred in her foyer just seconds ago. Insane? Was it really? No, not insane. More along the lines of unexpected.
Her head down, she heard the front door again. She immediately raised her head, the anger rising inside of her once more, as she saw him standing there.
"What do you –" She didn't get to finish.
Immediately, his hands were on her face, cupping her cheek, as his eyes silently lingered over her facial features, longingly and hungrily. His mouth connected with hers, as he kissed her once more, with a deep longing that he knew she needed.
Cuddy's eyes fluttered closed as she felt his breath on her face as he broke off the kiss.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
Without saying anything, Cuddy brought her hands down from his face and caressed the back of his neck as she bowed her head once more, not looking at him.
"Hey," he whispered, his thumb and forefinger on her chin. "Cuddy…"
She still didn't look up. Closing her eyes, she felt a new batch of tears make their way down her face. She felt his hands and warm breath on her face.
"Look at me." Nothing. "Lisa. Please."
Her breath halted when she heard him use her first name.
"House, I…" But words failed her. As she finally looked up at him towering over her, she was in awe of what she saw: compassion, hurt. Swallowing, she simply stared up at him.
"I shouldn't have what I did to you. I'm sorry," he said, in a husky low voice. He moved his hand to brush away her tears, and she let him. Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed him again, slowly.
His eyes closed, he kept his hand resting against her cheek while his other hand moved to the small of her lower back as he deepened the kiss, his thumb stroking her jaw line tenderly.
Her hands delicately caressing the nape of his neck, Cuddy allowed herself to become fully immersed in the kiss, as their tongues danced in unison, slowly and passionately. After about fifteen seconds, House broke the kiss, as his mouth trailed slowly along the side of her neck as he lowered his head down, planting tiny kisses along her neck line.
"House, I don't want your pity."
He stopped, turning his head upwards to look into her green-gray eyes. "You think I'm giving you pity?"
Quite taken aback by his defensiveness, Cuddy drew in a quick breath. "House, I –I didn't –"
Before she even had a chance to finish, he kissed her with as much passion as he could give her, the kind he had wanted to give her for so long. His strong hands found the hem of her sweater and he started lifting it. When he knew she wasn't going to stop him, he kept going, and she raised her arms so he could get the top off her. His hands slid down her back, as their mouths pressed together again. Unhooking the back of her black laced demi-cup bra with one hand, he was taken aback when she stopped him.
"Not here."
And, as if to read his mind, she followed up. "Your leg."
Taking his hand in hers, she led him to the bedroom. Lifting the hem of his t-shirt after throwing his jacket in the corner on the floor, House was lightly pushed down to a seated position on the edge of the bed. He gripped the sides of her hips, bringing her closer to him.
Her hands resting on his bare shoulders, she lowered her head down and caught his lips in a slow and tender kiss. Her curly raven hair fell down around her face, tickling his facial hair as she kissed him. Her hands worked the buttons on his pants, as he slowly pulled down the elastic hem of her yoga pants.
He broke off the kiss and mentioned for her to scoot up further onto the bed. As he moved his body up towards the head of Cuddy's bed, he slid his pants off his lower body and, as Cuddy moved on top of him once more, as their bodies fit into a particular perfect rhythm, he whispered, "Pity is the last thing I would give you."
Cuddy stopped and looked down. For a moment, she was stunned at the confession she had just heard.
He cleared his throat and looked her in the eye, afraid. Afraid to open up to vulnerability.
"…Cuddy, I was telling the truth when I said that you would be a great mother. You know the circumstances of that day when I told you that you would suck at it. I was in pain, but that's no excuse for why I said that… That 'sorry' goes a long way back."
Suddenly, Cuddy rolled off him and onto her back next to him on the side of the bed. She was silent for a minute.
When she finally spoke, her voice was hoarse and scratchy. "You live by the philosophy that people don't change. Now, you're suddenly –"
House cut her off, as he turned his head and looked at her. "No. I'm not. I haven't changed. I'm still miserable, still an ass…I lashed out at you that day because all the Tritter shit got to me. I knew you were trying to help my patient. I was…wound up and angry, but that's no excuse." He paused and really looked at her, admiring how she looked with her black curly hair fanned around her face. He reached his hand over, and touched her arm, caressing it gently.
"… People don't change. I don't change," he continued, "But I can stop making excuses."
Cuddy didn't say anything. She shivered and moved closer to him. Wrapping his arm around her, House caressed her arm gently as she laid her head on his shoulder.
"When I held Joy tonight, I was so happy," she began, quietly. "Becca told me that seeing me hold Joy was the most beautiful thing she's ever seen… I just thought that for once in my life, everything would work out as planned."
"You can't plan everything," House told her softly. "That's how the world works."
She turned on her right side to face him more directly. "I know," she whispered. "I just…I came SO close. I almost had her and then— I…I was alone. Again."
She was cut off as House pressed his mouth into hers and kissed her deeply. He wiped the fresh tears away from off her cheeks, and wrapped his fingers around a lock of her curly hair that fell in her face. His other hand found its way down to her bare left upper thigh, and he caressed her leg gently.
Shivering at his touch, she kissed him back, her hands on his face. Eyes fluttering closed, she caressed his scruff and breathed in his scent, as she willed herself not to cry again.
Surfacing for air, House pulled back and looked at her. Her eyes fluttered open, searching his face.
"You're not alone now," he whispered.
Cuddy smiled at him. In that moment, she knew he was truly there for her, through all the sorrow and pain she was experiencing. She knew he was really opening himself up for her because he truly cared.
For Cuddy, through the grief of losing Joy, she finally found love with the man who had loved her for over a decade, as the unspoken feelings brewing between them for so long finally became a reality.
Sometimes, through a loss, there comes true, lasting love, and the silence of once unspoken love comes alive.
~THE END~