Rest
Written for Allen after doing some character analysis and wanting a protective Kanda. Enjoy, thanks a lot for reading. Criticism welcome.
"I'm tired." Allen mumbled out pushing closer to the warm body holding him as Kanda reclined back further against the bed frame. A blanket was wrapped over the duo as they stayed in the inn for the night. In the morning, Johnny wanted to do a repair service to get themselves some money but for now, all Kanda could do was hold Allen close to him. Allen was lying across Kanda's bare chest; his exorcist coat laying over Allen and the blanket to keep him warm. Tomorrow would be a different day now that Kanda and Johnny had Allen with them.
"I know." Kanda whispered back, Allen looked up at Kanda with half closed eyes; Johnny was asleep on the bed next to them. Kanda had agreed to take the first watch for anything suspicious going on, to at least let Allen get some sleep tonight with comfort that he would be protected from akuma. The boy really needed to rest.
Kanda glanced down at Allen, it had been a long while since he'd seen him last. Several months since he last saw those silver eyes, Kanda slid a hand up and cupped the white haired boy's cheek in it. Allen leaned into the touch as Kanda slid his thumb across the soft surface, dirt was on Allen's face and his hair wasn't as white and maintained as usual. Instead it was dirty, slightly tangled in some places and obviously was in need of some washing. The boy's hair had grown long and could probably fit in a hair tie if he tried. The silver eyes that were once so full of light and determination seemed dulled now; pain and anxiety having crept in to replace hope within them. The red scar on his face seemed distorted and more intricate then he remembered small swirls and ornate designs thrown into the usual jagged form. Dark circles draped under his eyes, obviously showing the paranoia and lack of sleep he'd had over the time spent without the order. How Allen managed to live this long was a complete mystery to him, with Noah and akuma constantly chasing him as well as the threat of the 14th , it was practically a suicide mission for the boy.
"Beansprout?" Kanda mumbled down to Allen.
"Hnnn?" A guttural noise from Allen's throat as the boy blinked some of the drowsiness from his eyes.
"I'm sorry… "Allen wasn't quite sure what he had heard at first as he looked at Kanda's eyes, the lighting in the room dark and only illuminated by the candle on the nightstand and the moon above.
"For what?" Reeling and processing the apology, the white haired boy lying on Kanda sat upright. Allen knew why. He knew why Kanda was apologizing and he had long since forgiven him for what happened. The teenager only nuzzled his cheek further into Kanda's hand, enjoying and savoring the touch of another human being.
"When I was fighting Alma, I completely lost it with my 5th illusion and said some pretty rude shit apparently. And then I stabbed you." Kanda mumbled out shamefully, his head down and turned to the side, fuck, he's typically in so much control of himself and then THAT incident happened and.. and it all just went to hell when he saw Alma. There was so much repressed emotions and then it all burst like a dam.
A laugh, Kanda could feel it reverberate against his skin and into his muscles. He looked towards Allen who reached up with a hand and slid it through Kanda's bangs slowly. The hand in his hair slid down across Kanda's cheeks, his the pads of his fingertips traced along his jaw and then down Kanda's neck. The boy looked down avoiding eye contact as he slid his fingertips across Kanda's bare collarbone, feeling it jut out against the skin.
"Don't worry about it. It's alright." A faint smile brought up the corner of Allen's mouth. It had hurt, it had hurt a lot for Allen to get over the fact that Kanda was the one who said such horrible things and injured him, and Allen was still feeling the side effects of it all. But at the moment, he couldn't afford to think of such trivial things.
"It's not alright, I caused all this other shit to happen to you because I couldn't keep it together. So I'm sorry. Allen. I'm sorry." Kanda mumbled Allen's name, it felt odd on his tongue but it seemed to mean the world to Allen. Kanda hated apologizing, he typically was justified in everything he had done but what he said back at the North American Branch was out of line and he would keep his word. Allen sat up, his eyes slightly widened as a small sincere smile rose to his lips.
"It's okay Kanda. I forgive you, we've got enough problems, let's just move past it for now." Allen slid his fingertips down Kanda's arm, feeling the juncture of ever muscle and the firm feeling he received with it.. Allen lied back down, resting his cheek against Kanda's chest, the warmth and sound of a pair of heartbeats soothing the boy into realizing that he was in fact still alive. The way he traced his fingertips along Kanda's arm, feeling the dips and curves of his skin feeling the muscles underneath. The feeling of strength on Allen's fingertips made him feel safe as his hand reached Kanda's and gripped it tight in his own.
Kanda had lived 9 years in what he thought had been hell. He'd been born from a pool, living his second life. He'd been subject to tests and torture and horrific hallucinations, he had chased after a woman he could never even recognize and had been trapped in memories for years. He had been forced to live despite wanting to end it so many times. Kanda trusted few and dug himself into a cold shell in order not to deal with other human beings. He'd been forced to join the order, and as a result had dedicated himself to eradicating the Noah and akuma. It was the only thing he could do; but he chose not to escape his own hell as he chased after that woman believing that the order was the only way to find her. He was bound to an hourglass of hallucinations and desperate dreams that woke him in a cold sweat. He had been dragged into kill or be killed situations, but the regenerative abilities that surged through Kanda with each attack prevented death from ever coming.
Until Allen had pulled him out of that hell, had given him and Alma a sanctuary and what happened in those last few moments were between him and Alma only. His hell had disintegrated and now all that remained was a deep-seated regret towards the boy in front of him.
Allen had lived 16 years in his own hell, his own personal maze that he had been dragged into from birth without a second thought and now he couldn't find the right path or any way out. Perhaps that's why Kanda related to Allen so much, why he felt he should hold onto the boy in front of him tightly and never let him go, to not ever let him face the world alone like he had. Allen had already spent almost double the amount of time in this shitty world then Kanda had. Allen had been through just as much if not more than Kanda, except the white haired boy lacked the regenerative powers to heal away the aching wounds on his body.
And that fact struck him as he saw the way Allen just stared at him with that look of a soldier who has seen to many deaths, has been shot to many times, has been in the mud and rain and had the realization that there was no end in sight and that this world was truly the only hell. That mankind was also the enemy and that the military duty he was assigned would never end, not until his dying breath.
Allen had born a curse since birth, abandoned and left to fend for his own as his life was turned upside down and into a circus for everyone to laugh and manipulate. He'd become a tool to the Order, just a pawn that could only be pushed forward without any way of backing out. The kid lost his arm for fucks sake fighting in this war! Had a hole in his heart created by the damn Noah, had fought the Earl head on, saved all of their asses in the Ark. Allen had been labeled a traitor, his exorcist status revoked and now he had nowhere to go. He had no home now, the only place Allen could ever call home was snatched out of his grasps and he was left out on the streets.
Allen had been shoved into this life by Cross and Mana and Neah and fate himself as they laughed and played around with the boy's body and mind and twisted and bent the clown before them into unimaginable situations all to see how it would play out, and in the end? When the clown before them had succeeded in some spectacular performances, they left him. They left him confused and dazed and having to clean up after their messes while bundling it inside and containing it within. Because the boy left behind wouldn't push the burden onto anyone else, he was strong and stubborn but it was obvious that the weight of it all bore down on his shoulders.
Now the boy harbored the 14th, desperately trying not to lose himself in the process. Allen was fighting on his own internal battleground and he was losing the fight, it was so obvious now seeing the boy's desperate state.
"K-Kanda." Allen spoke against the elder's chest, his one arm wrapping around his torso as he desperately held onto Kanda, the grip on Kanda's hand tightening. Allen clung to the one person in his life that he knew would yank him off that trapeze and catch him in the net, tugging him out of this eternal circus of lies and deception and pain. Kanda was the one person who would take that burden on Allen's shoulders and carry some of it.
"Hmm?" Kanda mumbled, trying to stay quiet, Johnny was next to them, sleeping his faint snores present and somewhat annoying.
"I'm glad you found me. I was lonely." Allen stated calmly, but the tense grip on Kanda gave it all away. He looked up at Kanda and the pain was obvious in those silver eyes as Kanda looked at them in the candle light. It was a need, a desire for human contact after months of isolation with nothing but strangers. It was the desire to find someone equal who Allen knew was in the same rut as him, someone he could at least vaguely relate to.
"Not anymore, beansprout." Kanda leaned down and pressed his lips against Allen's, feeling the rough chapped lips on his as Allen leaned forwards and tilted his head deepening the kiss. Kanda brought both hands up, caressing Allen's face against his as their lips molded together, his hand slid up and through the messed up wavy hair. Allen pushed back the need for sleep and sought those lips he'd been craving for, sitting up in Kanda's lap Allen ran his fingers through Kanda's hair and down through the loose tresses. Allen ignored the pain and agony in his side from his injury, the pain fading with his innocence's help as he just focused on getting more contact forgetting to breathe for a moment as he slid his tongue against Kanda's lip.
Kanda pulled back against his will. He saw the slight pant in Allen's breath and the way his face was red. He was tired already, Kanda knew that rather than making out Allen should be sleeping, rest was necessary. Kanda just wanted to convey to Allen that he wouldn't disappear on him now that he so desperately needed him and that's what Allen got out of it. Allen felt the contact he so desperately craved and the faint blossoming of something burning in his chest, the final realization that he wasn't alone now.
"Don't tire yourself out on me. You should rest. " Another kiss pressed against Allen's lips, soft and gentle and barely lingering as the two's breath mixed together. Kanda pressed his cheek against Allen's neck and pressed a kiss to it, gliding his lips across the soft skin of Allen's neck.
"It's been a long day…" Allen mumbled, somehow still fighting off sleep to stay with Kanda. He didn't know what would happen and he didn't want this moment to be end. He didn't want to sleep for fear that when he woke up this would all have just been a dream, a horrible dream and an illusion to his paranoid mind. He didn't want to wake up for fear that in the morning, something would happen.
"Which is why you should sleep." Kanda retracted his lips and slid his body down even more, his shoulders barely propped up on the pillows as Allen lay his head back down on Kanda's bare chest once more, legs bent and straddling his waist. A small smirk tug up at Kanda's lips as he watched the way Allen gripped his hand tightly, bringing the clasped palms and fingers in front of his face. As though if he didn't see it with his own eyes, it wouldn't be real and the grasp he felt would be fake.
"Kanda… can you sing?" The small drawl at the end and the way Allen's voice seemed to have deepened was proof that he was falling asleep.
"Sing?" It was an odd request that made Kanda stare down at the top of Allen's head, his face hidden by his hair.
"Yeah… or hum. or whatever… I can…. I can just hear his voice in my head.. I can hear him laugh…I can hear his lullaby playing over and over and i-I" Kanda felt the way Allen's hand tensed up as he talked, the way he felt Allen's body shake slightly the boy gripped at whatever surface around to try to ignore what was in his head.
"That why you can't sleep? The 14th's in your head?"
"…y-yeah." Allen finally mumbled out after a moment, the boy had lost countless hours of sleep due to the 14ths presence. He didn't want to sleep for fear of never waking up as himself, just like earlier today apparently. Awoken only to find Kanda's blade at his throat and Johnny dying as a result of him.
"Lenalee taught me one." Kanda didn't want to hear anymore, didn't want to hear of the pain Allen must be in, being constantly tempted by the 14th.
"Will you-?" The request was obvious as Kanda thought of the song Lenalee used to hum all the time when they were a bit younger.
"If you'll sleep." Was the only request Kanda wanted. Allen needed to sleep; he'd be slow in combat and would get hurt as a result.
A faint nod against Kanda's chest was the affirmative answer he needed as he began to hum… something? Kanda didn't know what the song was or who it was from, but he had heard Lenalee sing it often. If he remembered right it was some Chinese song, he couldn't remember the whole thing but, he continued humming quietly to the boy on his chest the parts that he did know.
As embarrassing as this scene was, Kanda would pretty much do anything to atone for the boy in front of him, to atone for the boy who he had a brief relationship with before things got to hectic for them both. The duo having been together until they each got sent out on their own general hunt, and despite seeing each other after the Ark incident, it was short, fleeting moments where a kiss would occur or a fake smile would happen. Allen had become too consumed by everyone after the 14th was revealed, trying his hardest to seem apathetic or just pushing through the whole ordeal with a smile on his face. The duo's relationship halting until Allen came to Kanda in the middle of the night, his eyes wet and puffy, and his voice constantly cracking and faltering as Kanda let him in and laid down in bed with him similar to now.
The deep baritone of Kanda's voice and the vibrations in his chest where what had sunk into Allen's heart and had muted the 14ths voice for now. The timbre having driven the noises away just enough for sleep to finally pull Allen in and tug him down to rest and ease the tension in his body.
The boy whose breath had evened out now, would occasionally grimace in faint pain, and if Kanda tilted his head slightly he could see those white lashes on Allen's now sleeping face.
He looked like a child.
Allen was a child though. He wasn't the adult everyone believed him to be, Kanda was sure the boy wanted to get out and be normal or at least have what he deemed normal. Allen never had a normal life to begin with as he was cursed from the womb. He was only 16 now, he had killed enough akuma to probably rival Kanda, especially with him disappearing for 3 months, the akuma trailing after him. The kid had reached Critical level in the Ark, had been under 24 hour surveillance and in the end, he was still treated as a plague even in what he deemed his own home. The other finders and scientists gossiped about Allen often and Kanda had heard everything. All the rotten rumors and foul comments they made.
Now here was the source of all those rumors, which lay sleeping against Kanda's body, Allen's face, calm and serene, except for the occasional grimace of pain because of an injury; him fighting his inner demons and trying to stay 'Allen'. The sleeping boy's grip tightened slightly on Kanda's hand before relaxing once more. Kanda could feel the steady thrumming of the boy's heart on his chest.
Kanda didn't stop humming, not until he was absolutely positive that the boy was asleep and even then he continued to hum and hum the same song over again in order to protect Allen's dreams.
The elder exorcists arm crossed over Allen's back and pulled his body closer, his grip tight and he refused to let go of Allen's hand despite feeling it get slightly sweaty.
It was worth it.
He wasn't going to let Allen go.
Not now.
Not ever.
He wasn't going to let this boy suffer when he knew he could do something about , Kanda would make sure that despite the Allen being a brat he would still show that someone, in this pathetic excuse for a world and a shitty race, still cared for him no matter what. Because that's what Allen did. That despite growing up with no one ever to love him, Allen still managed to love. No matter who it was, no matter their status or how they treated Allen, the boy still loved them. Growing up in this shitty world, a boy rejected from the world accepted it better than anyone else.
Maybe that was another reason why Kanda's grip on Allen's hand tightened, why he leaned down and pressed his nose into those soft strands of hair. Maybe that was why Kanda swore in his mind at that moment that he would never, ever leave Allen alone again.
Because Kanda was protective of Allen.
Because Kanda couldn't stand to see such an innocent teenager, an innocent human being, who loved the world and everyone in it, continue to live in hell when he deserved to live in the palaces of heaven.