Outside
Disclaimer: I dont own Jeff, he owns himself, Beth owns herself, and Vance owns WWF. Staind own the song.
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**And you,
Bring me to my knees, again.
All those times,
That I could beg you please, in vain.
All the times,
That I felt insecure, for you.
And I leave,
My burdens at the door...**
Jeff stood in the hallway, watching the people around him go about their business. They knew he was there, but they knew he didn't want to be disturbed. It's not as if he would get annoyed at anyone, it's just that he wanted to think, think without disruption.
His htoughts were muddled. They had been like that a lot lately. He was confused...no, more than that, he was lost. People would try and cheer him up by telling him one of the endless jokes about it being because he was a natural blonde, but it was more than that. H was sincerely worried about the way Matt had been acting lately. If Matt wasn't careful he would lose everyone close to him, the people like Jeff and Lita.
Lita....how could Matt be so harsh towards her? She was only trying to help them, trying to ease the tension between them. She was always fair, not picking sides. Jeff loved Lita, but only as the little sister he never had. Matt on the other hand loved Lita in a more passionate way. Or so everyone thought. It was hard to tell lately, the way he was pushing everyone, especially Lita, around, just how much he loved her.
Jeff observed this with concerned eyes. He never said anything though, Lita could handle herself, she had told him so herself. He itched to stand up for Lita, tell Matt exactly how they all felt about his latest attitude. These thoughts, however, were just that ....thoughts. It was not Jeff's place to butt in, so instead he stood on the outside, keeping to himslef.
**I'm on the outside,
I'm looking in,
I can see through you,
See your true colors,
'Cause inside you're ugly,
(You're) Ugly like me,
I can see through you,
See to the real you.**
Jeff could see through Matt's facade. This attitude towards everyone around him was a cover for Matt's insecurities. Jeff had always been able to see through Matt, see the real him. On the outside they were two totally different, but underneath the cover, they were one. Both shared similar doubts about life and love, shared hopes and dreams, and most of all, they shared emotions.
It was creeping up to the anniversary of their mothers death. This was always a hard time for the brothers, often spent sharing stories of time spent with her. People often thought it was harder for Jeff to deal with their mothers death, but in reality, Matt took the brunt of it. Being the one to share the most memories with their mum, he often found himself telling Jeff about her. This was hard for him, the memories too painful to bear with.
Jeff never said much to Matt when he was feeling down, letting him know with brotherly hugs and glances that he was there for him if he needed to talk or just be in some good company. He didn't want to invade Matt's personal space.
Instead he stood on the outside, watching his brother suffer.
**All this time,
That I felt like this won't end, was for you.
And I taste,
What I could never have, it's from you.
All the times,
That I've tried,
My intentions,
Full of pride,
And I waste,
More time than anyone...**
That was often the case with Jeff. Always standing on the outside, preferring to look in on people, watch them enjoy themselves, rather than be a part of the action. He had always been a mellow person, the death of their mother causing him to mature a lot faster than his friends. Jeff was an old soul, but a young spirit. It took a lot to break Jeff's spirit, and he had been lucky enough to not have experienced that pain yet.
In his time watching people, Jeff had learnt how to see through the barricade they built around themselves, not letting anyone inside, afraid of the consequences. He was able to read peoples fears, using this knowledge to help them feel at ease with him; normal even.
There were definitely times he wished he was part of the action, though. He often wished it was him that people complemented, gave a friendly slap on the back and told him they saw what he did. It made him feel special. And then he realised...there were always times that people did this to him, just not at the times he necessarily wanted them to. These people also stood on the outside, letting him take the limelight, look into Jeff's soul and find out who he is.
**I'm on the outside,
And I'm looking in,
I can see through you,
See your true colors,
'Cause inside you're ugly,
(You're) Ugly like me,
I can see through you,
See to the real you...**
(Guitar Solo)
**All the times,
That I've cried,
All this wasted,
It's all inside...
And I feel,
All this pain,
Stuffed it down,
It's back again.
And I lie,
Here in bed,
All alone,
I can't mend...
And I feel,
Tomorrow wil be OK...**
Jeff had never really been one to express his feelings openly to other people. He preferred to write them down, letting them be something he could look back on, a growth chart almost.
He often stuffed his feelings deep inside, rarely opening his heart to anyone. When he did though, that person was strpping into forbidden land, a place where the occurances were only seen once in a blue moon.
Nights on the road were often long and lonely for Jeff, being away from Beth was something that broke his heart. She was his safe haven, the place he went to, or more the person he went to, to get away from his problems. She was his 7th Heaven. When he was with her, tomorrow always looked brighter.
**But I'm on the outside,
(And) I'm looking in,
I can see through you,
See your true colors,
'Cause inside you're ugly,
You're ugly like me,
I can see through you,
See to the real you...**
And so he continued to watch, staying in the shadows until everyone had vacated the hall. Matt had calmed down a bit, apologising to Lita on the way out. Jeff was glad to see that.
Standing there on the outside, in that short length of time, Jeff had learnt many a new thing about Matt. One of those was that his brother did not need him to step in there and help him. Matt was strong, he was smart, nothing could break Matt, nothing except Matt himself.
Standing on the outside, Jeff was able to watch people grow, as he himself grew.