This story takes place in the 16th season and starts off during the episode "Decaying Morality", and is a different take on what happens after Olivia and Amanda's coffee date, as well as what happened after the Lewis saga. Noah doesn't exist in this story. I'm not sure how long this fic will be yet; maybe just a couple of chapters or maybe multiple chapters.
MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS for mentions of rape and self harm, as well as later scenes that will contain explicit sexual content. This story will be graphic at times and may be disturbing to some readers, so please be aware of this before you continue reading if you think it will upset you in any way.
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Scars on your soul
Scars on your skin
Some are on the outside
Some are within
Some have a story
Some are unwritten
Some you can see
But most are quite hidden
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Olivia Benson sips carefully on her hot cup of coffee, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips as she watches her subordinate speak, mentally taking note of every little expression on Amanda's face and any changes in her tone or demeanor during their conversation. They are sitting across from each other at the window of the little coffee shop, the cold February air seeping right through the glass and causing Olivia's fingers to tighten around the heat of her mug in order to keep her hands warm.
Amanda had gotten back from her yoga retreat in Costa Rica earlier that day and is perched comfortably on her stool, explaining in a very calm and composed manner that her trip had gone quite well and she is doing so much better than she was when Charles Patton had been in town the month before and everything had fallen apart after the older man had wreaked his usual sadistic brand of havoc. Olivia is keeping the smile fixed firmly on her face in order to assure her colleague that she believes everything she is saying and is happy that Amanda is doing so well; choosing to keep her skepticism to herself, at least for the time being.
Based on her own horrific experiences with William Lewis, she is well aware that Amanda's words may not match how she is actually feeling, and Olivia is determined to keep a close watch on the younger woman for the very near future. They have shared quite the volatile relationship over the past couple of years, since the blonde detective had unexpectedly taken it upon herself to help Olivia through her long and arduous recovery process after that monster had abducted and tortured her for four straight days, and an odd sort of friendship had sprung up between them in the aftermath; a relationship that often seems to greatly confuse them both. Sometimes so gentle and understanding with one another and at other times the complete opposite, they have yet to find a middle ground, and Olivia often feels as if she is suffering from severe whiplash due to the speed with which they swing back and forth with each other; from friends to enemies to something that might actually verge on romantic but hasn't fully crossed over that line yet.
Amanda had been so uncharacteristically tender and caring and supportive, stopping by quite frequently to check on Olivia's state of mind in the weeks directly following the first abduction, and their relationship had deepened from one of work colleagues to actual friendship, even though they had continued to bounce back and forth between getting along and being at each other's throats when they disagreed on something, which was usually quite often. They have since shared more evenings at one another's places than Olivia can count and are sometimes quite touchy-feely, snuggling under the same blanket on the couch while watching a movie or sleeping wrapped up in each other's arms in the same bed, but it has never gone past cuddling and the occasional quick, chaste kiss on the cheek or lips as an affectionate form of greeting or farewell.
Olivia has privately acknowledged that her feelings run quite deep for the blonde detective and she is fairly certain that Amanda's do too, even when they act like they can't stand one another and don't see each other outside of work for weeks on end due to the passionate arguing that often seems to take place when they are together. The ups and downs of their perplexing relationship make Olivia's head spin more often than not, and she knows that she hadn't helped the situation by repeatedly pushing Amanda away after Lewis had abducted her for the second time. Unable to deal with help or comfort in any form from the younger woman due to yet another devastating trauma right on the heels of the one she hadn't even fully recovered from, Olivia had been overwhelmed with life in general and was not equipped to handle her own issues or Amanda's either; the other woman's gambling problems and self destructive behavior spiraling out of control during that time and wreaking havoc both on the job and in her personal life.
Whatever it was that they had been building between them; this odd friendship of sorts where they are shouting at each other one minute and curled up intimately together the next, had crashed and burned for a short period of time as they had both needed to sort through their individual issues and decide how to proceed with their lives without completely falling apart. They had just been slowly starting to mend things and move forward with one another again when Deputy Chief Patton had arrived in New York with Detective Reese Taymor and everything had gone to hell once more.
Olivia had been hit very hard by the heartbreaking revelations of Amanda's past and from having to watch her co-worker struggle so much during Patton's trial, and she vows to be there for Amanda like the detective was there for her after the ordeals with Lewis. As she watches the smaller woman serenely sip her cup of coffee while they sit across from one another at the table, Olivia is not buying this stoic act for a second and is sure that she can sense an undercurrent of discontent thrumming beneath the placidity of the surface.
"This was really nice," Amanda says cheerfully as they exit the coffee shop and head out into the frigid winter night, both women pulling woolly hats down low over their foreheads to guard against the chill in the air. "Thanks for a nice evening, Liv. I'll see you at work tomorrow."
"Wait, you're leaving?" Olivia replies, unable to keep the disappointment and concern from her voice and noticing the other woman's slight frown in response.
"Well...yeah," Amanda says slowly, stopping short in her tracks as she stares back at Olivia with curiosity. "I thought we done here. I was just going to head home and watch a movie or something."
"I like movies," Olivia answers lightly and watches Amanda roll her eyes, the smaller woman's lip quirking up at the side.
"Yes, I know that. Liv. We've certainly watched enough of them together by now."
"So you weren't going to invite me to watch this one?" Olivia continues, making sure to keep her tone breezy and somewhat teasing when she speaks.
"I don't even know what I'm watching yet." Amanda rolls her eyes again and fixes Olivia with an irritated look, one blonde eyebrow arching dramatically. "You know, you're a little transparent there, Liv," she chuckles ruefully. "You don't care about the movie. You just want to follow me home to make sure I'm okay, even though I've already told you multiple times that I'm fine."
"So you go on a yoga retreat and everything is just magically perfect right afterwards?" Olivia asks skeptically, and this time it is her turn to arch an eyebrow. "Look, I'm worried about you, Amanda. You've been through a lot lately and I just want to be here for you like you were there for me after what happened with Lewis."
Amanda's rather annoyed expression softens at this response, and she takes a step toward Olivia to lay a gentle hand on her arm. "I appreciate your concern, Liv, but I really am okay."
"So no nightmares or flashbacks or urges to gamble, or anything like that, then?" Olivia casually inquires, peering closely at the younger woman and tenderly squeezing the hand resting on her arm when Amanda doesn't answer immediately, big blue eyes darting away from her own probing dark gaze and focusing on something down the street.
"Alright, fine, if it'll make you feel better, I guess you can come home with me and watch a movie," the detective finally replies with a resigned sigh, clearly choosing to sidestep the question as her arm falls limply back down by her side.
"That would be great," Olivia says softly, missing Amanda's touch instantly and fighting the urge to reach out and link their arms together while they walk, a hint of guilt at inviting herself over causing her stomach muscles to tighten painfully, but the guilt is not nearly enough to apologize and head back to her own place instead.
They are very quiet during the trip to Amanda's building and Olivia feels a slight amount of trepidation dwelling inside of her for what is to come; that not only does she not feel entirely welcome in Amanda's presence but the other woman is also giving off some disconcerting vibes now, like something is definitely not quite right. When they arrive at Amanda's apartment, they sip on mugs of tea while sitting side by side on the couch with Frannie stretched out on the floor at their feet, trying to decide which movie to watch, although Olivia would much prefer to keep talking. After being so chatty and content at the coffee shop, Amanda has lapsed into complete and utter silence, her head resting tiredly against the cushions as she flips through the list of films, seemingly drained of all energy and unable to choose one.
Olivia's arm is resting comfortably across the back of the couch and she slowly flexes her fingers so that they reach out and touch Amanda's head briefly before beginning to comb gently though the long blonde tresses, idly playing with the golden strands by twirling them repeatedly around one of her fingers. The younger woman doesn't say anything to indicate that she is displeased with this action, and she takes it as a good sign when Amanda inclines her head slightly toward her as if asking for Olivia to continue on with the soothing, repetitive motion. She readily complies, shifting toward her colleague on the cushions so their bodies are almost touching, and feathering her fingertips through hair as delicate as spun silk, Amanda sighing softly in response and emitting her first noise since they have sat down.
"Do you want me to stay overnight with you?" Olivia asks quietly, watching as the other woman's eyelids flutter shut under the tender ministrations and glad that she has been able to help her relax somewhat.
"I don't know," Amanda whispers, her words uncertain but her actions the complete opposite as she leans more heavily into Olivia's touch like she is in need of comfort and security.
She decides to close the tiny gap that is left between them, molding the sides of their bodies together and easing a gentle arm around Amanda's shoulders, fingernails scratching lightly at the material of her white woolen sweater. "I just want to make you feel safe," Olivia explains softly into her co-worker's ear. "I can hold you while you sleep, like you held me so many times after Lewis."
"You're holding me now," Amanda points out, snuggling deeper into her warm embrace even though her words seem to suggest that she doesn't want to take things any further, both of Olivia's arms closing around the small frame and her lips coming to rest against lilac-scented hair, reminded once again of how complicated this relationship is and never knowing quite where she stands with Amanda.
"But I want to keep holding you," Olivia insists in a heartfelt tone, gathering the blonde detective as close to her as possible and feeling a deep wave of protectiveness and affection washing over her, along with something else that she is far too frightened to name; a feeling that has been growing stronger and stronger as times goes on. "I want to do this for you, Amanda. Please let me be here for you like you were there for me."
"Liv, you keep saying that but when I was there for you, the incident with Lewis had just happened; it was still very fresh. What happened with Patton was years ago." There is a hint of shame apparent in Amanda's voice when she speaks and Olivia frowns in response, pulling back slightly to try and look the other woman in the eye.
"So, what?" she asks in confusion.
"So..." Amanda opens her eyes and stares at Olivia for a long moment, that well of shame seeming to grow deeper in those bottomless blue depths before her gaze slides away again, much like it had outside of the coffee shop earlier in the evening. "So it was a long time ago, Liv. It doesn't matter so much now. I'm over it."
"Well, what happened with Patton and Reese wasn't a long time ago," Olivia replies softly, her heart breaking at Amanda's shamefully uttered words. "The trial was only a few weeks ago. And Amanda, what happened with you and Patton is still important, no matter how long ago it was. And I think you know that," she chastises as gently as she can, jostling the detective very lightly in her embrace and pausing before speaking again.
"And I don't believe you when you say that you're over it. I think the trial has brought up all kinds of terrible memories for you that you've been trying to deal with alone over the past little while." She grasps onto Amanda's chin with tender fingers, trying to get the other woman to look at her again. "Am I right about that?"
There is complete silence for so long that Olivia thinks Amanda isn't going to speak at all, her blonde colleague staring intently at her with a startling amount of untold emotion is those big blue eyes that she finds herself getting lost in more often than not, even when they are snapping and snarling at each other, their fights igniting fires of an intense passion that she has never known before. But Olivia wants to be nothing but gentle and supportive now, a shoulder to cry on for the woman who has come to mean so much to her over the past couple of years; Amanda never giving up on her or backing down even when Olivia had done nothing but push her away in the aftermath of her own trauma, the two of them always seeming to find their way back to each other no matter how far they might stray, clawing their way back to this strange relationship that doesn't seem to fit into a proper category.
"I'm having flashbacks again," Amanda admits in a tone so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "A lot of them." The younger woman takes a deep breath before continuing, Olivia giving her arm a compassionate squeeze. "I've had nightmares off and on for years now, but before Patton came to town, I hadn't experienced a flashback since I still lived in Atlanta. I feel like I've been blindsided by them once again."
"I'm so sorry, Amanda," Olivia whispers empathetically, pressing her lips to Amanda's forehead in a tender kiss that is meant to convey comfort but perhaps lingering there a second too long, as the other woman is gazing at her with an unreadable expression on her face when she pulls away. "How have you been dealing with all of this stuff? How are you coping with everything?"
Amanda shrugs uneasily, looking distinctly uncomfortable now. "I've been going to meetings," she mutters vaguely with a wave of her hand.
"Okay, that's good," Olivia assures her softly, that odd feeling hitting her again that something is off with the other woman but she can't quite put her finger on what it is. "That takes care of any gambling urges, but what about the rest of it? The nightmares and flashbacks or anything else that's been going on? How is your therapy going?"
Amanda's face is utterly blank for a long moment and Olivia frowns suspiciously in response. "I'm sure Dr. Lindstrom recommended someone good for you after that referral appointment I made with him," she prods gently, her frown becoming deeper when the younger woman disentangles their arms and pulls away from her entirely before getting to her feet.
"Look, Liv, I appreciate your concern but therapy just isn't for me, alright?" Amanda replies with a weary tiredness, like she would rather be having any conversation but this one. "What works for you might not work for everyone else, okay? I have my own way of dealing with things."
"Oh?" Olivia says curiously, one eyebrow quirking up in reply and trying not to show how disappointed she is that not only is the small detective no longer wrapped up in her embrace but that she had apparently not even attended her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom. "And what might that be?"
Amanda rolls her eyes and whirls swiftly around on her heel like she is about to begin heading out of the room. "None of your business, Olivia," she snaps in a disgruntled tone, and Olivia feels that hint of anger and annoyance that often seem to pepper their conversations with one another pushing to the surface, but she tamps the negative feelings down, resolving to be there for Amanda in her time of need and not let the other woman's snarky attitude get to her.
"Okay, I'm sorry," she replies quietly, holding both hands up in the air in a gesture of resignation. "I won't pry if you don't want me to. You're absolutely right; whether or not you attend therapy is entirely your choice and not my decision to make, even though I pushed it on you before. I won't do that again, alright?"
"Alright," Amanda agrees slowly, both eyebrows raising in complete surprise and a hint of disbelief coloring her irritated expression, seemingly unable to reign in her next words. "Olivia Benson is actually backing off and minding her own business? Has hell frozen over?"
Olivia barks out a short laugh at the playful and serious mix in Amanda's tone and she gets to her feet as well, hands balanced on her hips as she regards the smaller woman standing in front of her, unsure of whether to hug the detective or shake her due to Amanda's usual stubborn attitude, the detective always intent on doing things by herself in her own way. "I have actually been known to mind my own business from time to time, Amanda," she says softly, taking a step toward the other woman. "I will admit that it's harder to accomplish when it comes to you, though."
Amanda doesn't say anything but Olivia can see her lips twitch slightly in response and a pink blush color her usually pale cheeks as they regard each other intensely in the dim lighting of the living room, so much having gone unspoken between them for a very long time now. Before Olivia can open her mouth to finally put a voice to some of these thoughts and feelings that have been whirling insistently around inside of her brain, Amanda starts talking first.
"You're welcome to stay overnight, if you want, Liv,'' the younger woman whispers with a hesitant smile, Olivia smiling gratefully back. "I'm just going to get changed for bed and find you something to sleep in, okay? I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay," Olivia agrees in the same whispered tone, smiling at the smaller woman again before settling back down on the couch, Frannie hopping up from her position on the floor and laying her head in Olivia's lap.
She strokes her fingers slowly over the dog's furry ears, lost in thought as she waits for Amanda to reappear and listening to the detective shuffling around in the next room, opening and closing dresser drawers and the closet door. Frannie gazes up at her with large dark eyes and gives a huge yawn, Olivia chuckling and yawning widely herself, leaning her head back against the cushions and letting her eyelids droop closed in exhaustion. She is looking forward to curling up with Amanda in the blonde's soft warm bed, holding the younger woman close while she sleeps and hopefully protecting her from any horrific images that haunt her in her nightmares.
A muffled shriek suddenly pierces the still air and Olivia jumps to her feet, unseating Frannie's head from her lap and her heart giving a startled leap inside of her chest. "Amanda!" she yells in panic, racing toward the bedroom with Frannie quick on her heels and stopping short in her tracks when she catches a blurry glimpse of the other woman's naked form through the crack in the partly open door.
Their eyes meet in that instant, locking together intently in that tiny space between the door and the wall, and Olivia's stomach clenches hard when she sees that brief look of unrecognition on Amanda's face, realizing that the detective is most likely caught up in a flashback but hesitant to step inside the room due to the younger woman's state of undress. That disconcertingly vacant expression on Amanda's face disappears immediately and is replaced by a surprised and indignant scowl, Olivia rearing back in shock as the door is slammed shut right in her face.
"Don't look at me, Olivia! Go away!" Amanda shouts wildly, the anger and fear very blatant in her shuddering voice, and Olivia stands there stock still for long moment, her heart hammering madly and her palms slick with sweat, body shaking with the abrupt switch from calm and quiet to confusing and chaotic.
"Amanda, it's okay," she says soothingly, finding her voice again after being momentarily lost for words. "I didn't mean to scare you. I was just coming to see if you were okay. Did you have a flashback?"
She is greeted with a resounding silence and for several seconds the only sound in the apartment is Frannie's frantic pacing back and forth in the hallway and Olivia's labored breathing as she struggles to catch her breath in the wake of being yanked from her sleepy stupor on the couch and into a somewhat frightening situation. "Amanda?" she says again, raising her voice to be heard through the closed door and lifting a hand to rest against the grain of wood. "Can you answer me, please? Did you have a flashback? Are you okay?"
"What did you see?" comes the timid and uncertain response.
"Pardon?" Olivia frowns deeply and cocks her head to the side, not understanding the question. "What are you talking about?"
"What did you see?" Amanda repeats intensely, the detective's voice sounding much more urgent now. "You came back here without my permission, Olivia, and you saw me without clothes on. So how much of me did you see?"
"Amanda, I barely saw anything, I promise," Olivia assures her honestly, pressing her ear against the door now so that she can properly hear the smaller woman through this annoying barrier between them, somewhat taken aback by Amanda's reaction because they are very used to being each other's personal space by now. "I didn't mean to barge in on you and invade your privacy. I just wanted to make sure you were alright after you screamed." She swallows hard, her heart rate refusing to return to a normal rhythm under the weight of Amanda's obvious distress. "Can you please put some clothes on and come out of there so we can talk face to face?"
"So you really didn't see anything?" the detective asks, her voice softer this time, and Olivia is relieved when the door opens the slightest crack and Amanda's face appears before her, the detective's expression pinched and her eyes damp.
"I really didn't," Olivia replies gently, and it takes everything she has in her to stop herself from reaching out to stroke a finger over Amanda's cheekbone, the myriad of intense emotions playing across the smaller woman's face doing their best to rip her heart right out. "I didn't have time to see much before the door was slammed in my face."
"Sorry," Amanda whispers in a contrite tone as she gazes at Olivia with huge blue eyes that are shimmering with unshed tears. "I just don't like when people see me without clothes on. I don't want anyone to see me naked."
Olivia neglects to mention that she is hardly just anyone and that the close and intimate relationship they have shared over the past couple of years seems to be heading in a direction that goes well beyond work colleagues or best friends and it shouldn't matter if they see each other without clothing on. She realizes that in all the time they have spent together, sharing each other's beds and wearing one another's pajamas when they unexpectedly stay overnight, she has never actually seen Amanda in her natural state even though she herself doesn't mind changing in front of the other woman.
Olivia bears deep physical scars from the first attack by Lewis and she has always been very self conscious about letting other people see them, but when it comes to Amanda, she has never even given a second thought about shrugging out of her shirt and pants and showing some skin while putting on her pajamas, just naturally feeling comfortable in her co-worker's presence and knowing that Amanda won't judge or think any less of her. There is a brief flash of hurt that this feeling of safety and security doesn't seem to go both ways and that Amanda is shy and unsure and wanting to hide herself from Olivia's eyes, before she chastises herself for thinking like this and the hurt gives way to the care and concern that is growing stronger and stronger the more she takes in the vulnerability evident in the small detective's cerulean blue eyes that are staring intently back at her through the small crack in the door.
"Did you have a flashback?" she asks quietly, watching Amanda nod warily and rub a closed fist over her eyes, smearing some unshed tears into her long lashes and across her cheeks. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
Olivia's heart sinks in disappointment and worry as Amanda shakes her head to indicate that she would rather not. "Okay, we don't have to talk about it," she murmurs soothingly, guessing that the younger woman's removal of her clothes had induced a flashback of Patton and wondering how often such an everyday, mundane event causes such a drastic and terrifying response. "Can you open the door all the way now? Are you dressed?"
The door slowly swings open to reveal Amanda standing there on shaking legs with knees knocking together nervously, dressed in a long T-shirt that looks to have been haphazardly thrown on after Olivia had accidentally seen her sans clothing, the smaller woman's arm banded tightly across her breasts and one hand straying down between her legs to briefly cup her own core before hastily pulling away when she seems to notice Olivia watching her attentively.
"What's wrong?" she asks in concern, her rapt gaze taking in Amanda's odd movements to protect herself and stepping tentatively toward the other woman but being careful not to get too close. "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm not hurt," Amanda says softly, letting her arms dangle down by her sides now and a quick flash of guilt flitting across her features that Olivia doesn't understand. "I mean, not really."
"What do you mean, 'not really'?" she inquires gently, very uneasy about the way her colleague is acting.
"I just feel pain sometimes when I have the flashbacks, like what happened with Patton is actually happening again, even though it's not real," Amanda explains quietly, and Olivia regards her in perplexity for a moment, overcome with the strange sensation that the younger woman is both telling the truth and outright lying with that statement, unsure of exactly how to proceed in her confusion and wondering why it seems like Amanda is not being entirely honest with her.
"I'm sorry you're going through this," she finally says sympathetically, wanting nothing more than to wrap the detective up in her warm and safe embrace, Amanda looking tiny and shamed and afraid in her too-large T-shirt, but fearful of setting off another flashback by invading her personal space. "Would you feel better if I went home for the night?"
Olivia watches Amanda very carefully, alert for any further signs of distress, relieved and surprised when the younger woman shakes her head and steps directly in front of her, body language now indicating the need for physical comfort. She takes Amanda tenderly into her arms, rubbing her hands in slow circles across the detective's back and resting her cheek against a bent blonde head, desperately wanting to know exactly what is going on with the woman she is developing some very deep feelings for, but choosing to keep quiet for now.
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*Quote at the top of the page by E.P.