Chapter 1: Lost and Broken

The tip of my pen has stopped indecisively. I tapped the paper with it and frowned a bit. A couple, hand in hand, walked past me, talking cheerfully, and they followed the park path without even noticing my presence. I felt a little envious of them.

I'm gay. It's not really something I would boast about, and it's not something I'm ashamed of. People would sometimes look weirdly at me because of that, but I never felt like getting bothered by it.

Sighing, I looked at the paper I was holding in my hands, thinking I'm a bit too old to be writing love poems. Not to mention this was a really lame one.

There is no voice such as his

Strokes my heart and breaks my ears

While worlds away and out of reach

Just seeing him, I lose my speech

I crumpled it into a ball and threw it into a trash bin; then, I looked at the sky above my head. It seemed distant and unfriendly, heavy clouds were rolling slowly over the town and it looked like it was about to rain. Well, I wouldn't mind, water's always been my one true love, no matter whom I was ever dating.

Wondering why the guy did that a few days ago, my throat clenched and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I felt cold.

A water drop fell down my face, though it hadn't started raining yet. It stopped at the corner of my mouth, and when I licked it, it was salty.

"Nanase?" I heard, and my stomach clenched. "You're crying or something?"

"Shut up," I growled. Yamazaki Sousuke, the reason for my confusion, my grief and my tears had appeared. We'd reunited only weeks ago, after I got dumped by some idiot and was trying to drown my sorrows in alcohol. Well… saying reunited is a bit of an overstatement. "What are you doing here, anyway?" I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and glared at him.

"I'm on patrol," he answered, and I eyed him. His police uniform fit perfectly that idiotic big body; like most of us, he didn't stick to swimming after school, though, well, there was this thing about his shoulder, so that was not really a surprise. I gave him an angry stare; by then I was sure he didn't remember what he'd done to me that evening. How much he said to me, about how much he hated me. How much he hurt me without being aware.

"Have you heard?" he asked, and I nodded: "Yeah… Rin's won the international race, huh… Good for him." Rin was pretty much our only common topic, it was obvious he'd start talking about him.

"He actually came in second," Yamazaki said and sighed. "I've never imagined you'd actually quit swimming, Nanase."

"If I didn't, I would have to watch him." I got up, not feeling like continuing the conversation. "See ya."

"Somebody shoved a stick up your ass, or is there some other reason for you to be a dick?" he said, and that stopped me. I turned around, my fists clenched. Well, he used to be less rude, but I guess time changes people.

"You are one to talk! And anyway, whose fault do you think this is?" I snapped. He being a smartass was really the last thing I needed.

He gave me a stare. "Nanase…" he said, "come with me for a bit."

"Hah? Why should I?" I folded my arms 'cross my chest.

"Cause if you don't, I'm going to fine you for making a mess in public," he pointed at the crumpled paper that was lying under the trash bin. Oh, I honestly thought I threw it in right. Gritting my teeth, I slumped my shoulders. "Alright," I responded and went to throw the paper out, but in the end, I put it back into my pocket. I was not sure why. Sentiment, perhaps. Silently, I followed Yamazaki, though I honestly hated the thought of staying in his presence… partly because as he was walking in front of me, I couldn't but check him out. He was still slender, yet built up nicely, it was obvious even through the clothes. I really disliked him, but at the same time, I kept thinking… what if he, with this body, held me? Properly, as it should normally go?

We stopped under a tree that was in the back of the park; nobody ever came this way. "Say, do you still keep in touch with Rin?" he asked, not looking at me.

"Not really," I responded. Suddenly, he grabbed me and shoved me against its trunk hard enough for me to yelp in pain. "What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled once I had my breath back. He grabbed me under the collar, and his eyes darkened, as it was his turn to glare at me.

"You know," he said, "I was thinking I'd better keep it to myself, but to hell with that. I'm going to tell you every single fucking thing that pisses me off about you."

"Not again," I murmured under my breath, and he leaned closer.

"Hah?"

"Nothing," I answered. "Get it off your chest and let me go home already."

"You…" he sighed. "Back then, you were dating Tachibana, weren't you," there was something heavy in his eyes.

"Yeah, so what of it?" I said, despite I knew where this talk was headed. I already had to listen to it… once. That time, he was drunker than I was, and even if it weren't for that, I would always remember everything I did while under the influence of alcohol.

"Rin… he was pining after you all that time… in more ways than one." He grabbed my chin and pinching it so strongly it hurt, he tilted my head up; just then I realised I was looking on the ground the whole time. "While you had your eyes only for Tachibana, Rin was madly in love with you."

"And that's why you never confessed to him," I stated flatly. I was tired of it already, I felt sick, and I wanted to go home, run away from that idiot. He froze, his eyebrows furrowing. "This is also what I hate about you," he growled. "You talk like you know everything sometimes."

"I'm right, though. Spot on," I said indifferently. He exhaled, bowing his head. Then, he looked up. "Yeah. Yeah, you are." His anger was gone, but his face held somewhat bitter expression.

"Rin is dating Makoto now, though," I said. "Good for him, Makoto's a great guy."

There was silence, as Yamazaki was looking at me, probably pondering about what he should do next. As we were staring each other down, a thought appeared on the surface of my mind. "Do you really hate me that much?" I asked, just to confirm. His eyes flashed as he nodded. Just once, but firmly, with a determination of sorts. "Alright then," I said, my stomach clenching. "How about you and I make a deal?"

"A deal?"

"To put it simply, it's sickening to be hated by you. If you manage to make me cry, which is a pretty easy task, would that be enough for you to leave me alone already?" I explained. I disgusted myself, it was calculating and low, and I was aware of that, of course. My aim was to lure him into a physical relationship with me, no matter how cruel it might become along the way… because I hated myself for being oblivious to Rin's feelings back then. I thought that maybe, if Yamazaki was the one to punish me for such a grave sin, I could be forgiven. Not like I would say any of these thoughts aloud, of course.

"Make you cry? How?" he tilted his head.

I bit my lip. "You've already managed to do so, once, but you don't remember, I guess."

"Remind me, then."

I gave him a stare. To be honest, it already seemed as a mistake, but… I was not going to back down. "Remember how we met in a pub a few days ago? I think it was on Wednesday…"

His whole body tensed, as he guessed I was about to say something unpleasant… and he was right to expect that. I took a deep breath. "You were fairly drunk when that happened… You dragged me, pretty much against my will, into the closest love hotel."

His eyes opened wide. "… You're lying."

I, however, shook my head. "There should be a bill from Wednesday in your wallet. Go ahead and check." My eyes, completely glued to his hand, watched as he reached into his pocket and opened said wallet, going through the papers. When he found the item he was searching for, his face went pale. His whole body shuddered; at first, it occurred to me that it might have been because he felt disgusted, but then he said: "… But that's a crime."

"Ah right, you are a cop, right?" I smirked, though I already felt like falling to my knees and crying would be better than this stupid pretence. "Well, right now I'm giving you a green light, and this…" I snatched the paper from his fingers, ripping it apart and putting the shreds into my pocket, "was the only evidence and that has been destroyed."

"Only evidence…?" he parroted after me.

I nodded. "That love hotel doesn't keep a list of names or anything," I said as the words don't ask why I know that, though… crossed my mind. "So?"

"So what?"

"So, do you agree?"

"… You want me to hold you?" he asked, as though he couldn't believe his own senses.

"I want you to bring me the punishment Fate refuses to give me. I know I did wrong, and I won't sleep calmly until karma strikes back."

He gave me a stare. "I never knew you could be so twisted, Nanase."

Shrugging my shoulders, I answered: "I might as well be." Despite having put on this haughty attitude, I felt something within me shattering into thousands of small, sharp pieces.

He bit his lip, thinking. "Give me your address," he said in the end.

My heart sunk as I wrote it on a piece of paper and gave it to him. He looked at it and shoved the paper into his pocket. "I'll come by in the evening," he said indifferently. "Be ready."

I watched him leave, finally falling to my knees and digging my fingers into the grass under me. "Will I finally be able to get free?" I whispered silently, new tears running down my face.