Shades of Gold.
Standing here, I am not quite sure what to feel. There's happiness of course. How could there
not be that? Seeing the smile on my son's face and the quiet joy in my daughters eyes would
make any father happy. That is not all I feel, though. There are other emotions; darker ones.
They threaten to eclipse any happiness that might have otherwise driven all the shadows out of
my mind.
I've realized, in the last few minutes, that I'm free. Not in the conventional sense of the
word - I've been free from slavery since I was nine years old. No, what I am free from now is
far more interesting. I've found that there are no constraints now. I am free to go wherever I
please. And whenever. With a single thought, I can be a thirty years in the future. Or in the
past.
I must confess - I did give myself a glimpse of the future. I had to know, you see, what it
held for my children. I have caused them so much pain, that I needed to know whether the
future held happiness for them. What I saw went far beyond my expectations. I know that I have
nothing to worry about from these two. They exude light, and their future is consumed by it.
The past, however. Oh no, I can not bring myself to look at that. I am so much happier here,
now, feeling the galaxy united as one, and the joy they share. It resounds so strongly within
my soul that I am lifted by it, and feel as though I could fly away at any moment. Of course I
could do so, anyway, since I lack the physical form to stay grounded. However even if I was
still alive, I believe, I would be able to fly.
It was a feeling I have sought often. I came close, when I was podracing. It was the same
feeling, one that took you and lifted you far above the measly existence the Force grants us
all. It almost gave me a feeling of eternity. As though I were more than the sum of my parts,
and would go on forever.
To feel it again now, despite the darkness my soul has been subjected to...its wonderful. And
for the first time, more than as I saw my son's face for the first time, I feel as though I
have some hope of redemption. As though I can, truly, return to the innocent boy I once was.
It is thought, more than any other, that inspires me. I have considered this action. Wished
many times while I was still alive that it were possible. I still don't know whether it is, but
as I look to see the ruins of the Death Star in the sky above me, I know that I have to try.
The state the galaxy is in is of my own design. If I am able to prevent it, then I shall. There
is no question to it.
I sense, rather than see my old master, and his own, behind me. Of all the people I betrayed,
it is the betrayal of Obi-Wan that cuts me the deepest. He vested everything in me, gave me his
trust. And yet despite this, I can feel him, reaching out to me. Forgiving me. If I had the
ability to do so, I believe I would cry. The emotion itself is still there, welling up inside
me, I simply lack the tear ducts to allow them to fall over my face.
In this moment, I love him. Simply and purely, with all the intensity of a supernova. I would
give him anything in the universe, if I had the power. But I do not go with him. I ignore the
hand he so innocently holds out to me, and I turn my thoughts away from here.
I say goodbye to my son as I do so. I do not believe I will see him again. I wish that I
could say the same to Obi-Wan. His is a face, though, that I know I shall see again. And when
I do, it shall break my heart.
'Goodbye, my dear son. Be happy. Have all the things I was never able to give you. I wish the
same for you sister, but I do not believe it would mean anything to her.'
I do not wait to see if he heard me anyway. If he did, I know that I would not be able to
leave.
'Be happy.'
I close my eyes, or imagine that I do so anyway, and wait until the force has stopped pulling me
before I open them again. With a sinking heart, I realize where I am. Exactly where I had
planned to be.
The landscape is horrifying; dark, jagged rocks suspended as though by magic over a boiling
volcano. It seems to be an image of a nightmare. Yet this is a place I had sought. A place
I created out of the darkest depths of my imagination.
Despite the scenery, it is not my surroundings that pain me so. It is the occupants. Two
faces, one that I can remember as well as I do my own name, and another that I cannot recognize
at all. The familiar one is that of Obi-Wan, not as careworn as he had become, but not as
young as he was once either.
The other face, the one that induces a disgust in me so deep that I feel I may almost scream
from it, is my own. My own, at twenty one years of age, as I faced my master in what I believed
to be the final showdown. The one where I would triumph, and walk away as the only Jedi
Master.
I see now, as Obi-Wan told me I would, what a fool I was. A young, misguided fool. If I had
the power, I would take back every action of this day. Every work and every deed. Even as I
wish this, though, I can feel the person I was. As strongly as though myself at twenty one and
myself now were the same. As though the passage of years were gone and I were standing there in
his place.
I feel my fear, my anticipation. My anger. And I feel my guilt. I feel that most of all. I
had forgotten it. Forgotten that even in this, the darkest part of my life, I was not sure of
what I was doing. And it is in this moment that my future becomes clear.
Reaching out for the tendrils of fear and sorrow, I reel myself in. And as I do, I feel my
younger self truly become one with who I have become. My knowledge remains, and my experience.
And with that, in this moment, I am able to remake the decision that has haunted me so deeply
ever since.
Allowing my lightsaber to drop at my feet, I kneel before the one man that I had called
master...and meant it.
"Obi-Wan...master..." I gasp the words, my throat sore after years of misuse. "I'm so sorry.
You have to forgive me...please...I don't want to do this."
Standing here, I am not quite sure what to feel. There's happiness of course. How could there
not be that? Seeing the smile on my son's face and the quiet joy in my daughters eyes would
make any father happy. That is not all I feel, though. There are other emotions; darker ones.
They threaten to eclipse any happiness that might have otherwise driven all the shadows out of
my mind.
I've realized, in the last few minutes, that I'm free. Not in the conventional sense of the
word - I've been free from slavery since I was nine years old. No, what I am free from now is
far more interesting. I've found that there are no constraints now. I am free to go wherever I
please. And whenever. With a single thought, I can be a thirty years in the future. Or in the
past.
I must confess - I did give myself a glimpse of the future. I had to know, you see, what it
held for my children. I have caused them so much pain, that I needed to know whether the
future held happiness for them. What I saw went far beyond my expectations. I know that I have
nothing to worry about from these two. They exude light, and their future is consumed by it.
The past, however. Oh no, I can not bring myself to look at that. I am so much happier here,
now, feeling the galaxy united as one, and the joy they share. It resounds so strongly within
my soul that I am lifted by it, and feel as though I could fly away at any moment. Of course I
could do so, anyway, since I lack the physical form to stay grounded. However even if I was
still alive, I believe, I would be able to fly.
It was a feeling I have sought often. I came close, when I was podracing. It was the same
feeling, one that took you and lifted you far above the measly existence the Force grants us
all. It almost gave me a feeling of eternity. As though I were more than the sum of my parts,
and would go on forever.
To feel it again now, despite the darkness my soul has been subjected to...its wonderful. And
for the first time, more than as I saw my son's face for the first time, I feel as though I
have some hope of redemption. As though I can, truly, return to the innocent boy I once was.
It is thought, more than any other, that inspires me. I have considered this action. Wished
many times while I was still alive that it were possible. I still don't know whether it is, but
as I look to see the ruins of the Death Star in the sky above me, I know that I have to try.
The state the galaxy is in is of my own design. If I am able to prevent it, then I shall. There
is no question to it.
I sense, rather than see my old master, and his own, behind me. Of all the people I betrayed,
it is the betrayal of Obi-Wan that cuts me the deepest. He vested everything in me, gave me his
trust. And yet despite this, I can feel him, reaching out to me. Forgiving me. If I had the
ability to do so, I believe I would cry. The emotion itself is still there, welling up inside
me, I simply lack the tear ducts to allow them to fall over my face.
In this moment, I love him. Simply and purely, with all the intensity of a supernova. I would
give him anything in the universe, if I had the power. But I do not go with him. I ignore the
hand he so innocently holds out to me, and I turn my thoughts away from here.
I say goodbye to my son as I do so. I do not believe I will see him again. I wish that I
could say the same to Obi-Wan. His is a face, though, that I know I shall see again. And when
I do, it shall break my heart.
'Goodbye, my dear son. Be happy. Have all the things I was never able to give you. I wish the
same for you sister, but I do not believe it would mean anything to her.'
I do not wait to see if he heard me anyway. If he did, I know that I would not be able to
leave.
'Be happy.'
I close my eyes, or imagine that I do so anyway, and wait until the force has stopped pulling me
before I open them again. With a sinking heart, I realize where I am. Exactly where I had
planned to be.
The landscape is horrifying; dark, jagged rocks suspended as though by magic over a boiling
volcano. It seems to be an image of a nightmare. Yet this is a place I had sought. A place
I created out of the darkest depths of my imagination.
Despite the scenery, it is not my surroundings that pain me so. It is the occupants. Two
faces, one that I can remember as well as I do my own name, and another that I cannot recognize
at all. The familiar one is that of Obi-Wan, not as careworn as he had become, but not as
young as he was once either.
The other face, the one that induces a disgust in me so deep that I feel I may almost scream
from it, is my own. My own, at twenty one years of age, as I faced my master in what I believed
to be the final showdown. The one where I would triumph, and walk away as the only Jedi
Master.
I see now, as Obi-Wan told me I would, what a fool I was. A young, misguided fool. If I had
the power, I would take back every action of this day. Every work and every deed. Even as I
wish this, though, I can feel the person I was. As strongly as though myself at twenty one and
myself now were the same. As though the passage of years were gone and I were standing there in
his place.
I feel my fear, my anticipation. My anger. And I feel my guilt. I feel that most of all. I
had forgotten it. Forgotten that even in this, the darkest part of my life, I was not sure of
what I was doing. And it is in this moment that my future becomes clear.
Reaching out for the tendrils of fear and sorrow, I reel myself in. And as I do, I feel my
younger self truly become one with who I have become. My knowledge remains, and my experience.
And with that, in this moment, I am able to remake the decision that has haunted me so deeply
ever since.
Allowing my lightsaber to drop at my feet, I kneel before the one man that I had called
master...and meant it.
"Obi-Wan...master..." I gasp the words, my throat sore after years of misuse. "I'm so sorry.
You have to forgive me...please...I don't want to do this."