Title: To Have Loved and Lost 1/?
Author: DarkChilde
Email: princess220@alltel.net
Rating: R
Warnings: character death
Summary: I'm horrible at these things. A phone call sends Hawkeye to his
best friend's side.
Disclaimer: I don't own MASH. No profit is made, no copyright infringement
intended.
Distribution: List archives can have this, anyone else just needs to ask.
I've never turned an archive request down.
Feedback: Yes please, first try in this fandom. I need to know how it went.
Author's Notes: This is unbetaed. Any mistakes are mine and mine alone. This
isn't a particularly happy fic, but it was begging to be let out of my
brain, so here it is. I promise it does get more overtly slashy in later
parts. Just as a warning, I tend to write long and angst-filled stories.
Hope you enjoy. Also realize that the timeframe of this fic is about 15
years prior to my birth. I did my best to check up on available medical
treatments and the such, but I may have made some errors. If so they are
entirely my fault and I would appreciate any input that you might have.
Hawkeye wasn't sure whether it was the rain or his tears that were blurring
his vision. He'd had almost a year to prepare for this day and he still
wasn't ready. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to bury
his best friend and only love, still a young man. He wasn't supposed to have
to hold tight to the hand of that man's wife. He wasn't supposed to have to
comfort a girl who had just lost her father. If this had been 10 or 11 years
ago, he would have been prepared. They both were then. They new that death
could strike at any moment, they had accepted that. But when they were home,
away from the horror that had been Korea, they were supposed to be safe.
They were supposed to live to be old men. It wasn't supposed to happen this
way.
Almost a year ago, 10 months and 11 days ago, he had taken a call from this
same woman. He had just gotten home from a grueling day in the office. It
seemed as if everyone in town was either sick or injured. The phone was
ringing when he opened the door and he almost let it go, something made him
answer it though. The voice on the other line was in pain and so very
scared, "Hawkeye, It's Peg."
Hawkeye had registered the anxiety immediately. "What's wrong?" His own
voice was serious.
"It's BJ. He's sick, Hawkeye. They tell me he's dying. He asked for you."
Tears are carefully held at bay.
"He can't be dying, there must be some mistake." Shock had already changed
his voice, it sounded hollow even to his own ears.
"Please, will you come? He needs to see you, and I, well Erin and I, we need
to have someone here who understands, who is a friend." Desperation was
creeping into her words.
Hawkeye didn't know how he could leave his patients, his practice, but his
best friend needed him and he would go. Things here would be taken care of
somehow. "I'll catch the next flight out."
"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to all of us. I'm at Hope
Memorial hospital, room 318."
"Hope Memorial, room 318. I'll be there as soon as I can. Tomorrow as early
as possible." There wasn't even a possibility that he would answer any other
way. BJ had asked for him and there was never a time that would fail to
bring him. He had promised as much years ago. So he made the flight
arrangements and only after called the one other physician in town. Dr.
Davis wasn't happy about taking on his patients, but Hawkeye didn't give him
much of a way out. He was leaving and that was it. He through a few things
into a suitcase and left for the airport.
The next hours would be excruciatingly long. He hadn't thought to ask any
questions when he had Peg on the phone. His brain was using that uncertainty
to make up endless scenarios as to what was wrong with BJ, each possibility
was more devastating than the last. Intellectually, he knew that he should
wait until he found out what was wrong before he let his imagination take
over. It was the advice that he gave patients and their families every day,
but he had never realized before just how difficult that was to do. He
couldn't seem to stem the tide of fears in his head, couldn't stop the
overwhelming despair that had been spreading through him body, mind, and
soul, since he took Peg's phone call. By the time the plane landed he had
worked himself into quite a state.
He gathered his things and after some minor debate, elected to rent a car.
He took down detailed directions from the young man working the counter,
praying they would get him to Hope Memorial hospital. A short time later he
arrived, the drive over uneventful, meaning that he hadn't been caught when
he broke traffic laws and had managed to follow the directions without
getting lost. The next obstacle Hawkeye encountered was an earnest nurse on
the third floor of the hospital. He had made the mistake of stopping to ask
where room 318 was. He had been summarily informed that the patient was only
allowed to have family visit him. He had tried to explain that he was a
doctor and a family friend that Mrs. Honeycutt had called personally, but
she was insistent on her orders. Another nurse rescued him a moment later
when she went to get Peg. Peg informed the other nurse that Hawkeye was
family as far as she was concerned.
"I'm really sorry about that. I should have let them know you were coming."
It was easy to see why BJ had been drawn to this woman. She was lovely, but
more than physical beauty, she had a strength that called out to people.
Less than 24 hours ago, she had sounded devastated on the phone. Now her
voice was crisp and confident. It wasn't that the circumstances had changed,
she had just learned to deal with them. She had learned quickly, and she
would probably say out of necessity, but it took a tremendous strength of
character to face the illness of someone you loved and maintain this
strength. Peg was a wonderful woman and BJ had been lucky to find her.
"It's alright. I should have just found the room on my own anyway. How is
he?"
"He's better than he was when I brought him here. They're giving him a lot
of medication and some of it keeps him pretty out of things, but he can talk
to us when he's awake. His doctor should be by in an hour or so. He can
explain everything to you. This is his room." Peg stopped just outside of
the door.
"I know that his doctor will be able to give me more details, but I kind of
feel like I need to be prepared here. Could you maybe tell me what
happened?" Hawkeye hated to ask this of her, but he needed to know what he
would find on the other side of this door.
Peg's posture visibly stiffened, but when she spoke it was in the same clear
tones she had been using before. "A couple of weeks ago, BJ started
complaining about headaches. They hadn't ever really bothered him before,
but he wasn't worried. He took some aspirin and went about his business. Two
days ago he collapsed when he got home from his office. The neighbor helped
me get him in the car and to the hospital. Yesterday they told me that he
has a tumor in his brain and chances aren't good that he'll survive, even if
they can remove it." Tears had sprung to her eyes as she delivered this
chain of events. Her voice never wavered though.
Hawkeye was glad she had found her calm because he didn't know if he could
maintain that same sense of calm. This was possibly the worst scenario he
had come up with. There were still relatively few effective treatments for
cancer and for a brain tumor the options were even further diminished. He
hoped that the doctor has some good news, some ray of hope for them. "Thank
you. For telling me." Hawkeye pulled the diminutive woman into a tight hug
Over the years he had come to think of her as a friend and she needed his
comfort right now as much as he needed hers. "Come on, lets see him."
Peg gently extracted herself from his embrace and opened the door to BJ's
hospital room. She went to BJ's side and stroked his hair back from his
face. He was asleep. "I don't want to wake him. Don't know that it would do
much good anyway."
Hawkeye nodded at her, trying desperately to keep his own emotions in check.
The man he saw there was barely a shadow of the BJ he had known. He was pale
and thin. His skin seemed to be stretched tight across his bones. It scared
Hawkeye to see him so diminished. "Let him sleep." Peg immediately dropped
into a chair by BJ's side. Hawkeye found a second chair and moved it to the
other side of the bed. Neither spoke, there was nothing to say really. The
silence wasn't uncomfortable, but it was complete. Peg held her husband's
hand gently stroking her thumb across it. Hawkeye located BJ's chart and
began to read. There wasn't much there that he hadn't been told or guessed.
It looked unlikely that his best friend would survive this, barring a
miracle.
He was just finishing with the chart when a fairly young man walked into the
room. "Good Morning Mrs.Honeycutt. I see you have someone with you today."
"Good morning, Dr. Jansen. This is a very old friend of BJ's. He's
practically family. Dr. Benjamin Pierce." Peg introduced them.
"I'm glad you could come Dr. Pierce. BJ has been asking about you. I
understand you served in Korea together."
"That's right. I certainly never thought I would lose him like this. What
are his chances?" Hawkeye tried to keep his voice upbeat.
"You've seen the chart. I can't tell you much more. I don't believe that the
tumor can be surgically removed. We could try some other treatments, but I
don't know that they would be effective. I have contacted some other
physicians to consult on this case. The best in the world will have looked
at him before the week is out. I'm hoping they'll find a solution that I
overlooked." Dr. Jansen was candid. Peg Honeycutt had already asked that he
not sugarcoat his news for her benefit and he had heard a great deal about
Dr. Pierce in the last couple of days. From both his patient and Peg. He
believed that Dr. Pierce would appreciate the truth far more than some
gentle message of hope.
"How long, do you think he has?" Hawkeye had gone entirely cold. It was as
if all of his ability to feel had slid out of his body at the words of Dr.
Jansen. It might have made him sound calm and collected, but he was anything
but. There was none of Peg's solid strength in him. He was simply empty.
"6 months, a year at the outside with treatment." The words were flat, but
they cut straight to Hawkeye's heart. "I wish I had better news. Dr.
Honeycutt is a wonderful surgeon and I've learned, a better man. His death
will be a great loss to us all."
BJ began to stir at that moment. His eyes came open and he smiled a weak
smile. "I'm not dead yet, Doctor."
"Of course not, BJ. I was just letting your visitor know what we've found so
far." Dr. Jansen's voice immediately lightened as BJ addressed him.
"Guest?" BJ pushed himself up and looked past Dr. Jansen to where Hawkeye
was standing. "Hawk, you came." His smile grew brighter and he reached one
thin hand out towards his friend.
"Of course I came. Didn't I promise you that I would always be there when
you needed me." Hawkeye crossed the room quickly and took BJ's outstretched
hand. "You could have just called you know. Didn't need to stage this whole
illness thing to get me here." Hawkeye tried for his customary humor, but it
felt hollow even to him.
BJ however, laughed obligingly before responding. "I wish that was how it
was Hawk. Would have been one hell of a prank." BJ paused, "I'm glad you
came, Hawkeye. How long can you stay?"
"I told Carl Davis, I'd be gone at least a week. I'll be here as long as you
need me. You and Peg and Erin, I mean."
"Have you seen her yet? She's grown up so much in the last year. You won't
hardly even recognize her." BJ's face was lit up with a gentle smile as he
talked about his daughter.
"Just got into town an hour or so ago. Haven't even made any hotel
arrangements yet."
"You'll stay at our place of course. Remember, I wrote you. We bought a new
house a few months back. It's bigger; there's a guest room you can use."
"I wouldn't want to put Peg to all the trouble Beej. She has enough to worry
about."
Peg herself stepped up at this point. "Really, Hawkeye, it's no trouble. I'm
not going to be the best housekeeper or hostess but if you don't mind that
you're welcome to stay at the house."
"I don't mean to interrupt, but BJ has some tests scheduled for this morning
and I would like to talk with him for a bit about which doctors we're going
to try to have consult on his case. Perhaps the two of you could get some
breakfast?" Dr. Jansen gently stepped in.
"Of course, Doctor. I should have realized you would have things to do. I
wasn't thinking." Hawkeye was rather sheepish. He should have thought. It
wasn't like he had never seen a patient in the hospital before.
Dr. Jansen smiled at him. "That's quite alright Dr. Pierce. I understand
that he's a very old friend."
"I'll see you in a couple of hours, Hawkeye." BJ gave Hawkeye's hand a
squeeze before releasing it.
Peg came up and kissed her husband lightly on the cheek. "I'll get him
settled in at the house, BJ and then we'll go to breakfast. I promise we'll
be here when you get back. I love you."
"I love you too."
"We'll see you later, Dr. Jansen?" There was a question in Peg's voice.
"Of course. I'll be back in later this afternoon. BJ should be back to his
room about 11:00. It was good to meet you Dr. Pierce." Dr. Jansen shook
Hawkeye's hand and the group parted ways.
Author: DarkChilde
Email: princess220@alltel.net
Rating: R
Warnings: character death
Summary: I'm horrible at these things. A phone call sends Hawkeye to his
best friend's side.
Disclaimer: I don't own MASH. No profit is made, no copyright infringement
intended.
Distribution: List archives can have this, anyone else just needs to ask.
I've never turned an archive request down.
Feedback: Yes please, first try in this fandom. I need to know how it went.
Author's Notes: This is unbetaed. Any mistakes are mine and mine alone. This
isn't a particularly happy fic, but it was begging to be let out of my
brain, so here it is. I promise it does get more overtly slashy in later
parts. Just as a warning, I tend to write long and angst-filled stories.
Hope you enjoy. Also realize that the timeframe of this fic is about 15
years prior to my birth. I did my best to check up on available medical
treatments and the such, but I may have made some errors. If so they are
entirely my fault and I would appreciate any input that you might have.
Hawkeye wasn't sure whether it was the rain or his tears that were blurring
his vision. He'd had almost a year to prepare for this day and he still
wasn't ready. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to bury
his best friend and only love, still a young man. He wasn't supposed to have
to hold tight to the hand of that man's wife. He wasn't supposed to have to
comfort a girl who had just lost her father. If this had been 10 or 11 years
ago, he would have been prepared. They both were then. They new that death
could strike at any moment, they had accepted that. But when they were home,
away from the horror that had been Korea, they were supposed to be safe.
They were supposed to live to be old men. It wasn't supposed to happen this
way.
Almost a year ago, 10 months and 11 days ago, he had taken a call from this
same woman. He had just gotten home from a grueling day in the office. It
seemed as if everyone in town was either sick or injured. The phone was
ringing when he opened the door and he almost let it go, something made him
answer it though. The voice on the other line was in pain and so very
scared, "Hawkeye, It's Peg."
Hawkeye had registered the anxiety immediately. "What's wrong?" His own
voice was serious.
"It's BJ. He's sick, Hawkeye. They tell me he's dying. He asked for you."
Tears are carefully held at bay.
"He can't be dying, there must be some mistake." Shock had already changed
his voice, it sounded hollow even to his own ears.
"Please, will you come? He needs to see you, and I, well Erin and I, we need
to have someone here who understands, who is a friend." Desperation was
creeping into her words.
Hawkeye didn't know how he could leave his patients, his practice, but his
best friend needed him and he would go. Things here would be taken care of
somehow. "I'll catch the next flight out."
"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to all of us. I'm at Hope
Memorial hospital, room 318."
"Hope Memorial, room 318. I'll be there as soon as I can. Tomorrow as early
as possible." There wasn't even a possibility that he would answer any other
way. BJ had asked for him and there was never a time that would fail to
bring him. He had promised as much years ago. So he made the flight
arrangements and only after called the one other physician in town. Dr.
Davis wasn't happy about taking on his patients, but Hawkeye didn't give him
much of a way out. He was leaving and that was it. He through a few things
into a suitcase and left for the airport.
The next hours would be excruciatingly long. He hadn't thought to ask any
questions when he had Peg on the phone. His brain was using that uncertainty
to make up endless scenarios as to what was wrong with BJ, each possibility
was more devastating than the last. Intellectually, he knew that he should
wait until he found out what was wrong before he let his imagination take
over. It was the advice that he gave patients and their families every day,
but he had never realized before just how difficult that was to do. He
couldn't seem to stem the tide of fears in his head, couldn't stop the
overwhelming despair that had been spreading through him body, mind, and
soul, since he took Peg's phone call. By the time the plane landed he had
worked himself into quite a state.
He gathered his things and after some minor debate, elected to rent a car.
He took down detailed directions from the young man working the counter,
praying they would get him to Hope Memorial hospital. A short time later he
arrived, the drive over uneventful, meaning that he hadn't been caught when
he broke traffic laws and had managed to follow the directions without
getting lost. The next obstacle Hawkeye encountered was an earnest nurse on
the third floor of the hospital. He had made the mistake of stopping to ask
where room 318 was. He had been summarily informed that the patient was only
allowed to have family visit him. He had tried to explain that he was a
doctor and a family friend that Mrs. Honeycutt had called personally, but
she was insistent on her orders. Another nurse rescued him a moment later
when she went to get Peg. Peg informed the other nurse that Hawkeye was
family as far as she was concerned.
"I'm really sorry about that. I should have let them know you were coming."
It was easy to see why BJ had been drawn to this woman. She was lovely, but
more than physical beauty, she had a strength that called out to people.
Less than 24 hours ago, she had sounded devastated on the phone. Now her
voice was crisp and confident. It wasn't that the circumstances had changed,
she had just learned to deal with them. She had learned quickly, and she
would probably say out of necessity, but it took a tremendous strength of
character to face the illness of someone you loved and maintain this
strength. Peg was a wonderful woman and BJ had been lucky to find her.
"It's alright. I should have just found the room on my own anyway. How is
he?"
"He's better than he was when I brought him here. They're giving him a lot
of medication and some of it keeps him pretty out of things, but he can talk
to us when he's awake. His doctor should be by in an hour or so. He can
explain everything to you. This is his room." Peg stopped just outside of
the door.
"I know that his doctor will be able to give me more details, but I kind of
feel like I need to be prepared here. Could you maybe tell me what
happened?" Hawkeye hated to ask this of her, but he needed to know what he
would find on the other side of this door.
Peg's posture visibly stiffened, but when she spoke it was in the same clear
tones she had been using before. "A couple of weeks ago, BJ started
complaining about headaches. They hadn't ever really bothered him before,
but he wasn't worried. He took some aspirin and went about his business. Two
days ago he collapsed when he got home from his office. The neighbor helped
me get him in the car and to the hospital. Yesterday they told me that he
has a tumor in his brain and chances aren't good that he'll survive, even if
they can remove it." Tears had sprung to her eyes as she delivered this
chain of events. Her voice never wavered though.
Hawkeye was glad she had found her calm because he didn't know if he could
maintain that same sense of calm. This was possibly the worst scenario he
had come up with. There were still relatively few effective treatments for
cancer and for a brain tumor the options were even further diminished. He
hoped that the doctor has some good news, some ray of hope for them. "Thank
you. For telling me." Hawkeye pulled the diminutive woman into a tight hug
Over the years he had come to think of her as a friend and she needed his
comfort right now as much as he needed hers. "Come on, lets see him."
Peg gently extracted herself from his embrace and opened the door to BJ's
hospital room. She went to BJ's side and stroked his hair back from his
face. He was asleep. "I don't want to wake him. Don't know that it would do
much good anyway."
Hawkeye nodded at her, trying desperately to keep his own emotions in check.
The man he saw there was barely a shadow of the BJ he had known. He was pale
and thin. His skin seemed to be stretched tight across his bones. It scared
Hawkeye to see him so diminished. "Let him sleep." Peg immediately dropped
into a chair by BJ's side. Hawkeye found a second chair and moved it to the
other side of the bed. Neither spoke, there was nothing to say really. The
silence wasn't uncomfortable, but it was complete. Peg held her husband's
hand gently stroking her thumb across it. Hawkeye located BJ's chart and
began to read. There wasn't much there that he hadn't been told or guessed.
It looked unlikely that his best friend would survive this, barring a
miracle.
He was just finishing with the chart when a fairly young man walked into the
room. "Good Morning Mrs.Honeycutt. I see you have someone with you today."
"Good morning, Dr. Jansen. This is a very old friend of BJ's. He's
practically family. Dr. Benjamin Pierce." Peg introduced them.
"I'm glad you could come Dr. Pierce. BJ has been asking about you. I
understand you served in Korea together."
"That's right. I certainly never thought I would lose him like this. What
are his chances?" Hawkeye tried to keep his voice upbeat.
"You've seen the chart. I can't tell you much more. I don't believe that the
tumor can be surgically removed. We could try some other treatments, but I
don't know that they would be effective. I have contacted some other
physicians to consult on this case. The best in the world will have looked
at him before the week is out. I'm hoping they'll find a solution that I
overlooked." Dr. Jansen was candid. Peg Honeycutt had already asked that he
not sugarcoat his news for her benefit and he had heard a great deal about
Dr. Pierce in the last couple of days. From both his patient and Peg. He
believed that Dr. Pierce would appreciate the truth far more than some
gentle message of hope.
"How long, do you think he has?" Hawkeye had gone entirely cold. It was as
if all of his ability to feel had slid out of his body at the words of Dr.
Jansen. It might have made him sound calm and collected, but he was anything
but. There was none of Peg's solid strength in him. He was simply empty.
"6 months, a year at the outside with treatment." The words were flat, but
they cut straight to Hawkeye's heart. "I wish I had better news. Dr.
Honeycutt is a wonderful surgeon and I've learned, a better man. His death
will be a great loss to us all."
BJ began to stir at that moment. His eyes came open and he smiled a weak
smile. "I'm not dead yet, Doctor."
"Of course not, BJ. I was just letting your visitor know what we've found so
far." Dr. Jansen's voice immediately lightened as BJ addressed him.
"Guest?" BJ pushed himself up and looked past Dr. Jansen to where Hawkeye
was standing. "Hawk, you came." His smile grew brighter and he reached one
thin hand out towards his friend.
"Of course I came. Didn't I promise you that I would always be there when
you needed me." Hawkeye crossed the room quickly and took BJ's outstretched
hand. "You could have just called you know. Didn't need to stage this whole
illness thing to get me here." Hawkeye tried for his customary humor, but it
felt hollow even to him.
BJ however, laughed obligingly before responding. "I wish that was how it
was Hawk. Would have been one hell of a prank." BJ paused, "I'm glad you
came, Hawkeye. How long can you stay?"
"I told Carl Davis, I'd be gone at least a week. I'll be here as long as you
need me. You and Peg and Erin, I mean."
"Have you seen her yet? She's grown up so much in the last year. You won't
hardly even recognize her." BJ's face was lit up with a gentle smile as he
talked about his daughter.
"Just got into town an hour or so ago. Haven't even made any hotel
arrangements yet."
"You'll stay at our place of course. Remember, I wrote you. We bought a new
house a few months back. It's bigger; there's a guest room you can use."
"I wouldn't want to put Peg to all the trouble Beej. She has enough to worry
about."
Peg herself stepped up at this point. "Really, Hawkeye, it's no trouble. I'm
not going to be the best housekeeper or hostess but if you don't mind that
you're welcome to stay at the house."
"I don't mean to interrupt, but BJ has some tests scheduled for this morning
and I would like to talk with him for a bit about which doctors we're going
to try to have consult on his case. Perhaps the two of you could get some
breakfast?" Dr. Jansen gently stepped in.
"Of course, Doctor. I should have realized you would have things to do. I
wasn't thinking." Hawkeye was rather sheepish. He should have thought. It
wasn't like he had never seen a patient in the hospital before.
Dr. Jansen smiled at him. "That's quite alright Dr. Pierce. I understand
that he's a very old friend."
"I'll see you in a couple of hours, Hawkeye." BJ gave Hawkeye's hand a
squeeze before releasing it.
Peg came up and kissed her husband lightly on the cheek. "I'll get him
settled in at the house, BJ and then we'll go to breakfast. I promise we'll
be here when you get back. I love you."
"I love you too."
"We'll see you later, Dr. Jansen?" There was a question in Peg's voice.
"Of course. I'll be back in later this afternoon. BJ should be back to his
room about 11:00. It was good to meet you Dr. Pierce." Dr. Jansen shook
Hawkeye's hand and the group parted ways.