Interrupt
Chapter One
In his dreams, the night before Ilos never ended. He was above her, inside her, and joined with her forever. Sometimes, the dreams were not even about coupling, but rather the conversation they had had afterwards, the comfortable silence as they drifted to sleep, and the way he had touched her. She looked so different that night, as if she was completely at peace and content, despite the mission that still lay before them. He liked to think that his dreams of her were where she was now. Kaidan had never thought about the afterlife before Shepard died, but now he secretly held the conceit that his dreams held the real woman, the one that only he knew, for that night. He would have her forever, in dreams.
In the beginning, he had the dreams every night, and they were not a comfort, but rather an aching reminder of what he did not have in his waking hours. Time passed, and he realized that he had to pretend to move on, because that was expected from a good soldier, and if he was anything, Kaidan Alenko was a good soldier. He took new assignments, made new friends, was promoted, not once, but twice. He even went out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. His family and friends were pleased.
Yet, even as years went by, he still had the dreams. He grew accustomed to them, and even welcomed them. One night they would be lying entangled, tracing lazy patterns on each other's bodies, as they laughed about gossip about them being spread amongst the crew, and how Joker was obviously behind all of it. The next night she was telling him about the day the slavers came to Mindoir, and how she hid while her family was slaughtered. He would comfort her, again, and know that this was not real. Nevertheless, the dreams were his, and he cherished them.
Then she was alive again.
First, there were the rumors, casually mentioned by associates who thought they knew all about the Battle of the Citadel and Kaidan's role in it. Had he heard? People were saying that Shepard never really died, that she had been rescued by Cerberus, and was one of their agents now. There was even talk that she was somehow responsible for the disappearing human colonies. Then the associates would look closely at him, testing, judging his reaction. He would shrug, shake his head, and tell them that those rumors sounded nothing like the Commander he had served with, at all. The rumors must be false, he said, as he excused himself.
The dreams still were with him, even when he went to Horizon, in order to attempt fruitlessly to help a colony being used as bait by his superiors. At the end of each day, at least he had Shepard in his dreams, gazing up at him as if he was her entire world. In his dreams, he knew she would never betray the Alliance, or work with Cerberus. He would feel her in his dreams, and he knew her like no one else ever would.
He knew she was the same, but somehow she did not look like the Shepard in his dreams, when he saw her on Horizon. He was still disoriented and numb from the Collector's Seeker swarm stings. When he looked at her, he realized that the dreams were more real to him now than the woman standing before him was. He wanted to kiss her, to touch her, but he could not trust himself to more than an awkward embrace. His body was slow, but somehow his mouth was racing ahead of his head when he finally spoke to her.
No, you idiot. Not like this. It isn't supposed to be like this. He did not know what it was supposed to be like, as he walked away, saying goodbye again, telling her he would not join her, asking her to be careful, but it should not have been like that. Even as he sent a message to the Alliance, explaining what had happened, he wondered if he would still have the dreams now, and if so, would his dream Shepard have faintly glowing facial scars, and look at him with that guarded, closed expression? He did not know what would be for the best.
The dreams did return, almost immediately, to his relief and annoyance. Now it was exceedingly apparent how unhealthy it was to dream of her. He could see that Shepard was never the woman in his dreams. She had been there, with him, before Ilos, but not the way he thought she was. Being with her had meant everything to him. Obviously, that night had not meant the same thing to her. He would forget about her, he decided, and move forward. It was better this way.
A few days later, he sent her a message. It was not particularly eloquent, but he hoped she would understand. The new Normandy apparently shared the same stealth capabilities as its namesake, according to the briefing he had attended, and the only way to communicate now was through private messages. Even if she did not respond, he wanted to try to let her know how he felt. Even if he still was not sure how he felt.
She never responded. He was grounded, the Alliance and the Council both adopting a "wait and see" policy towards Shepard, and somehow that required him to stay at the Citadel and await further orders. In other words, they wanted to keep him around, to be used as bait again, if the need arose. He was a good soldier, and obeyed.
On the Citadel, there were many ways to entertain oneself, and whether he liked it or not, there were reminders of Shepard everywhere. Foremost, he heard her voice when he entered any store in Zakera Ward. It made him do a double take, the first time he heard it, so he asked the storeowner what the story was. Then he heard it again, and heard the same account elsewhere. Once he understood, he smiled a little every time he walked into a store and heard her ringing endorsement, feeling a ridiculous bit of satisfaction in knowing that she had put one over on all of the merchants, in pursuit of a discount.
Then there was the Westerlund News exclusive report by Khalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani being aired everywhere he went. It must have been filmed before he returned to the Citadel, but it was deemed a big enough story that it was replayed for weeks. Every time Kaidan walked by a video terminal, he heard Shepard reciting the names of the Systems Alliance starships that had been sacrificed while saving the Destiny Ascension. He would have wanted to hit that reporter, yet she dealt with her with grace and dignity. His stomach twisted when he saw that, both with pride and anxiety. You might never see her again, and that's the way you left things. You idiot.
Weeks went by, and the Shepard in his dreams waited for him every night, in the bed that no longer existed on the ship that was destroyed long ago. He wished he could talk to her about current events, but that was not how the dreams worked, and perhaps he did not want to know what the real Shepard was thinking of him now. She was off saving the galaxy once again on an impossible mission, while he was interviewing merchants about her shopping habits. He wondered if he was fooling himself, cursed his indecision, and forswore any further emotional attachment to her with every new day.
When he heard that the Normandy had entered the Omega 4 relay, he felt his world collapsing again, but at least this time he was prepared enough to mask it. She would die again, and he would never know for sure what they could have had, or she would survive, and know that he had failed her once more. No matter whom she worked for now, no matter how much the Alliance meant to him, none of it mattered if she was gone again. There was nothing to do now but continue to wait, and he hated himself for it.
In his dreams, she candidly adored him, and he passionately loved her in return, the way he never could let himself in reality. When he woke, he would ignore the gnawing anger, the guilt, and the frustration. Because he knew that this was all he was allowed to have of her, and he would make it enough.