Reflections
Spoilers: Seasons 1-6
Pairing: Clana and Clois
Summary: Lana reflects on ber relationship with Clark
It had taken me the longest time. I hadn't wanted to admit it. For though through all the unexplainable things about Clark Kent the source of his love was undeniable. It was all directed towards me. It had been for as long as I could remember. Since we were little kids I had gotten used to his adoring stare, the way that he always tripped when he drew near my presence. The way he fumbled and never knew what to say, it was drawn into his clumsy farm boy personality. It was something I'd grown up with, not something I particularly cared for. But I'd long since excepted it and I knew exactly how to be nice and still show I wasn't interested in anything other than friendship And at the time I had Whitney who'd loved me deeply and his love meant more to me then the boy next door.
But then, Whitney and I had faded away. In truth Whitney had faded away even before he'd went off to war. Clark and I had grown to be good friends and his stare made me blush, then. It meant much more to me then, now that I knew him, once I'd seen different sides of him then the bumbling boy that he'd always been around me and he was there for me in ways that Whitney hadn't been, though he seemed to disappear at times, b the truth was when you really needed Clark Kent he would be there.
But now, now that we had been through so much, and we'd been through it all. Everything imaginable had happened to us, but deep down I suppose that I always knew that my curiosity would never let it go. The deep dark mystery of Clark Kent. It had always nagged me and as we continued to see each other I could tell that there was a side of him that he would never allow me to see.
We'd broken apart for awhile, I'd let him go, but I watched from afar, biding my time perhaps. And then there had been Alicia. She mystified me. When Clark had first dated her, she'd seemed normal a bit obsessed perhaps and then… That night at the Talon where she had come at me, asking me why Clark had still loved me, it scared me. For more reasons than one. Because it made me realize how much Clark inspired love, everyone around him loved him. His parents who would do anything for him, Chloe who had loved since the eight grade and was never willing to give him up, me of course, and then this girl who hadn't known him more that a week was willing to kill for him. It scared me that anyone could love someone that much.
Alicia had left, carted off to the mental institute and I was sure that we'd seen the last of her. It seemed we had for the longest time and by the time she came back I was hopelessly in love with Justin Teague and had tried to spare as little thought to Clark Kent as was humanly possible. But when she returned the result was spectacular.
She had some power over Clark Kent because it seemed in an instant she was wrapped back in his big strong arms. It surprised me how willing he was to love her. She had some power wrapped up in her that made him do whatever she wished. And before I knew it I was hearing stories of her marriage to him and then they were back as if nothing had happened and it hurt me to see them together. To watch him watch her, the way that I knew he once watched me.
There were all the stories of the deaths, of the things she could do. Clark knew of them of course, but he stood up for her. His eyes accusing anyone that would say a word against her and I have no trouble admitting that I was one of them. I believed her guilty more than anyone. And then she had… died. It sounded so callous to say it. Her death changed Clark, I had stopped by to see him after she had died and he stared straight ahead and in a moment of insight I could tell that he was seeing her. I had turned then to go, my presence held no calm for him.
Clark was a different man after her, she had taught him to love as he hadn't loved me. His love for me had lasted longer perhaps, but he had been more open with her than he'd ever be with me.
And even after that I wasn't willing to let him go. It would take more than that to make me stop loving him and it was then that I realized that though I hadn't shown it as Alicia had, wouldn't go to that extreme, I still loved Clark more than perhaps was good for me.
We'd tried again and all seemed great, not perfect but it was happiness, that seemed to stretch along filling my mind with nothing but a giant called Clark Kent. But something had happened that day, he had died, I'd seen it with my own eyes, watched the monitors going blank, watching the doctors still trying to nurse his dead body. But then he'd come back, a sending of fate, or one of the many mysteries of Clark Kent, I'm not sure. It's still something I like to puzzle over at night.
He'd changed again, it was like he'd matured over night and he'd outgrown us all. It wasn't that I wasn't relived that he was alive, but it seemed for a moment that we were insignificant children compared to him. It was like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and no one was there to share the burden with him.
And then he was suddenly gone. He'd slipped through my fingers and fallen into the hands of some other girl. Iris or something or other, I hadn't bothered to stick around long enough to hear her name. She'd taken him from me, not that he'd stayed with her long. I knew she was a hypnotist and I could forgive him that. I could forgive the things he did when he was not himself. I knew at least what had caused it this time. But it had flipped some switch inside of him and he'd decided he didn't love me anymore. Years, years it had been that he'd loved me, my entire life it seemed I'd lived in the shadow of Clark Kent's love, it was the one thing it seemed that I could be sure. And it was gone leaving me bare and cold, incomplete. And I sobbed and sobbed because I loved him so much. His love had seemed so infinite and it left like a barren waste land was left behind.
And then there was Lex. I could see the look in his eyes as he watched me and I fell into his arms willingly. If only because it offered me reprieve from my pain, to be guaranteed he's no Clark. But, I did love him, enough to allow him what he wanted. Lex changed me though. When I was around him I was a different person, not better, no never better. But stronger, willing to do more.
And it hit me, as I watched Clark. As I asked Chloe about it. It just hit me that he wasn't mine anymore. I'd thought of him as mine forever. It's why it hurt me to see him with anyone else, it was because all of my life his heart had been mine. It was in my power to control him and it was gone. Slipping through my fingers, growing fainter every moment that I stayed with Lex. Every moment that I was away from him.
It only hit me once I saw him with Lois Lane. I had never given much thought to Lois. As far as I was concerned she was no threat to me. A great beauty, no doubt, but tough, much tougher than I was. She was rough around the edges, and it showed through her mannerisms. But she changed too. All the characters were always in motion and it was only after she started dating Oliver Queen that she changed. He changed her, it became blaringly obvious that no one had ever truly cared for her the way it was clear that Oliver did. I didn't spend too much time with the couple. I knew Lois only as my friend's cousin and Lex was no fan of Oliver's, so I kept my distance. But in the moments that I saw them together I saw the tenderness and it touched my heart. I was surprised to hear that they had broken up; I had marked them for one that would last. But I'd been wrong before.
In part her heart became more guarded, to those on the outside it would always be that way. She wasn't one to let people get close to her, but somehow Clark had managed to land on her friends list. They were the last two people that I expected to be friends. They grated on each others last nerve, but the more that I saw them together the more I saw they were just two friends who didn't know what to do other than fight. But I'd seen the look in Clark's eyes as he looked at her. It wasn't like anything I'd seen in his eyes before.
It wasn't the way most guys looked at Lois, with clear lust in their eyes; their eyes dropping down a little lower than was appropriate. It wasn't the way he looked at Chloe, with complete trust. With complete faith and very protective, as if he would snatch her out of the way if anyone were near her but him. Perhaps she meant more to him than even I did. There were times when I thought she was his only friend, for he came to her in everything. It made me envy her, for she held the very place that I'd always wanted. But he didn't look at Lois that way; he didn't trust her as much as that. Nor was it the way he looked at me, a mixture of longing and admiration. It was totally unique. There was a hint of admiration, maybe a touch of lust, a dose of trust, a pile of friendship, and there was one emotion, one I could never quite read that told of something much deeper, some greater connection, and then he tried to cover it up with humor and sarcasm. But it lay there like an awakening tiger; you just had to be looking for it to appear. It was so deep and so thoughtful of a gaze, and yet Lois skillfully avoided it, as if she didn't notice for a second.
I could see then that they were the couple that could make it. She wouldn't put up with him. She would make sure he stayed on the right track. She would make sure he wasn't quite so moody. She would make him laugh and banter. She would keep things interesting in their relationship. She would start the fights and he would put them back together. He would make her show her soft side. He would smooth her rough edges. He would make sure she didn't work to hard. She would know all his secrets and he would know all of hers.
It was hard though, even though I knew I'd given up Clark long ago, it still made me want to run into his arms. But I had Lex, and he would have Lois. Even if he didn't know it yet. I wondered why I'd never seen it before. Never seen the way he looked at her and Oliver. It was subtle though, Clark never liked bold declarations of feelings. He wouldn't go out right and say it. He kept you guessing.
It pained me to let go of Clark. He was everything, but I'd changed since it was just him and me. I wasn't the innocent school cheerleader. There were more important things in the world than the simple whatnots of high school. I felt like I'd been through so much, so much death, so much pain. It made me wonder if everyone went through this or if my life was individual. Of course it was. It was silly to even ask that. No one got into such death defying situations. No one was fought over by a farm boy and a billionaire. No one, I thought only somewhat bitterly, but Lana Luthor and Lois Lane.