BERMUDA - HOTEL
(Sam and Diane walk through the lobby.)
Diane: Wow. I can't believe we're here.
Sam: (rubbing his hands together) I know. This is gonna be great. (tempering himself for Diane's benefit) But, you know, not TOO great.
(They approach the female receptionist.)
Diane: Hi, I have a reservation for Diane Chambers.
Receptionist: Welcome the Bermuda Bay Inn, Miss Chambers. We'll have your room ready in about ten minutes.
Diane: Thank you. And his room?
Receptionist: Sorry?
Diane: Yes, the reservation was for two people.
Receptionist: I see there's two of you, but no one said anything about two rooms. Your reservation is for one room.
Sam: (stepping in) Diane, don't blow a gasket. I'll take care of this. (to the receptionist) Can we have another room please? I'll pay.
Receptionist: Sorry, sir, we're all booked up.
Sam: All right, all right. No problem. There's got to be other hotels around here, right?
Receptionist: Yes, sir. There's hotels all along the shore. But it's high season, I doubt you'd find anything this late.
(He ushers Diane to the side.)
Sam: Listen, don't go ballistic. We're here to have a good time.
(She shoots him a warning look.)
Not THAT kind of a good time! I'll just try the other hotels, there has to be something.
Diane: Okay, Sam. I feel terrible. I should have checked this. The whole reason we came is that the trip was free, and now you have to pay for a hotel.
Sam: No worries. With the flight, I'm still ahead. You go slip into some beach thing there and I'll meet you outside in an hour. This is gonna be fun, right? No arguments, no complaints, no problems!
(He winks at her and dashes off.)
Receptionist: Well, that was the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Diane: That he's going to go look for a hotel room?
Receptionist: No, that you don't want him in yours!
BEACH
(Diane sits under a large umbrella on a chaise lounge. She's wearing a short beach robe and reading one of her esoteric books about Norwegian woodcutters or something.)
(Sam returns.)
Sam: Hey there.
Diane: (peering up at him from under her enormous, floppy hat) Hey there yourself. How'd it go?
Sam: Not so good, I'm afraid. Darned if she wasn't right. There's not a hotel room to be had from here to the other side of the island.
Diane: Are you just saying that, Sam?
Sam: Lady, would you get over yourself?! I'm here for some sun and surf and not your - (Sam suddenly realizes he can see Diane's long, bare legs - his words catch in his throat and gapes helplessly)
Diane: Is something wrong?
Sam: No ... everything is ... very right.
(Diane grabs a beach towel and throws it over her legs.)
Diane: Well, now what?
Sam: (snapping back to reality) Okay, not a problem. I'll just - ah - you think they'll notice if I sleep out here?
Diane: Yes, Sam. I think they'll notice. Oh, I don't know what we're going to do now. And those beds! They're very hard!
Sam: Beds?
Diane: Yes, hard as brick. And I'm very sensitive. Sort of like the princess and the pea.
Sam: You mean there's more than one bed up there and you've got me running around to every hotel on the island?
Diane: Well, Sam, surely you don't think you're going to sleep in the same room as I am - even in separate beds.
Sam: And why not? You know, you act like I'm some sort of animal or something. Like I can't control myself. Like I'm -
(She takes the towel off her legs - he stares helplessly at them again. Point made.)
Diane: Yes, I can see you're in complete control of yourself.
Sam: I just didn't realize you had legs, okay? I thought you were born in a grandmother skirt.
Diane: Well, I assure you I do, and they're very good ones. I was a dancer, you know. And I have other body parts too and you're probably going to see them when I go swimming and I don't need you having a heart attack.
Sam: Your egoism is incredible! Go ahead and take off that damn thing you're wearing, princess, and see if I even notice! I wouldn't notice you if you paraded around buck naked in front of me. I wouldn't notice you if you -
(She takes off her robe, revealing herself in a one-piece bathing suit. He stares helplessly again.)
Diane: Yes, I can see this is going to work.
Sam: All right, you know what? Before we get into some big, ridiculous argument, I'm going swimming. I'd rather talk to seaweed than you.
Diane: Well, I'm glad you've found something that is your intellectual equivalent.
(He tears off his shirt and this time it's Diane's turn to stare.)
Sam: (noticing her look) Ah ha!
Diane: (quickly looking away) Ah ha what?
Sam: (preening) Not bad, eh?
Diane: Oh, shut up. Go swimming.
(He grins wildly and prances off.)
RESTAURANT - NIGHT
(Sam and Diane sit outside on a restaurant terrace, finishing up dinner.)
Diane: So, Sam, what are we going to do about this hotel room thing?
Sam: My god, you are OBSESSED. Can't stop thinking about us in that hotel room, can you?
Diane: I'm serious.
Sam: So am I! I'll sleep on the patio, how's that? I saw a couch out there. Now give it a rest. I'm not going to do anything to you! I mean, unless you want me to.
Diane: (warningly) Sam...
Sam: This might come as a shock to you, Diane, but I don't need your body. Three different women have slipped me their room numbers since I've been here, and one of them was on her honeymoon.
Diane: Great, then you should go find them.
Sam: I said I would be a perfect gentleman and that's what I'm going to be. So would you just relax? I swear on my mother's life that I will not even glance in your direction all night.
Diane: How about swearing on the life of someone you actually talk to?
Sam: Okay… Carla.
Diane: Keep going.
Sam: Coach. I swear on Coach's life!
Diane: All right, I believe you.
Sam: (not even believing himself) You do?
Diane: Yes. And I know you know that I know how to flip a man onto his back.
Sam: (giving her one of his lascivious grins) Any plans to demonstrate that for me later?
Diane: Oh stop. I thought you had this thing licked.
Sam: Licked?! Diane, you are getting really perverted now. I may have to call security.
Diane: (almost laughing) You are really incorrigible.
Sam: I don't suppose incorrigible means "the one I want to sleep with tonight," does it?
Diane: No, it doesn't. Is this all you can talk about? Sex. There are so many other worthy topics in the world.
Sam: You're right. And as soon as we have sex, I'll stop talking about it - so let's do it for the sake of improving our conversation.
Diane: You are really starting to get on my nerves.
Sam: Sorry. Just messing around with you.
Diane: Listen, why don't we go for a walk down on the beach.
Sam: (hesitantly) Isn't there like sand, and surf, and a moon and stuff like that down there?
Diane: Oh, so you are actually aware of what an ocean looks like? I had no idea you were so well versed in geological formation, Sam.
Sam: You want us to walk down there together? I said I'm not an animal, but I didn't say I'm not breathing.
Diane: Oh, for goodness sake. You can't walk on the beach with a woman without making it sexual?
Sam: (raking his eyes over her) Not with a woman who's wearing what you're wearing, no.
Diane: It's a dress!
Sam: Then not with a woman who looks like that in a dress, no. Look, Diane, walking on a beach in the moonlight without making it sexual would be like having sex without making it sexual.
Diane: I guess this was a big mistake. I don't know why I believed you.
Sam: (standing and putting out his hand for her) Okay, come on! To the beach we go. I'm determined to prove myself here.
BEACH
(Sam and Diane walk along the moonlit beach - careful to keep a decorous amount of space between them.)
Diane: (sighs) Isn't this romantic? I mean, if, uh, either one of us were with someone we wanted to be romantic with?
Sam: Yeah, this is really…. disgusting.
(They walk a little more.)
Sam: Maybe this has been a good test for me. I've walked at least half a mile with a beautiful woman and I haven't jumped on her.
Diane: (stunned) Sam, you've never called me beautiful before.
Sam: (pointing) I was talking about that woman over there.
(She slaps him playfully.)
Sam: I would be careful about touching me right now if I were you.
Diane: Truly. I'm proud of you. You said you'd be a perfect gentleman and you have been.
Sam: I know. I'm getting worried. Better see a doctor when I get back.
Diane: I think it means you're maturing. This is very grown up of you.
Sam: Imagine how grown up it would be if you kissed me right now?
Diane: Sam!
Sam: No, seriously. Imagine if you actually kissed me and I STILL didn't attack you. How much would that mean for my growth as a human being? You, Diane Chambers, could singlehandedly usher me into full blown adulthood.
Diane: Nice try, buddy.
(He maneuvers his way in front of her, stopping her in her tracks.)
Sam: I'm sorry, I just… I can't go any farther without kissing you. Things will break down and stop working if I don't. Do you want that on your conscience?
(She just stares lethally at him from under her lids.)
Diane: All right, I should go cool down. Again! This water better be damn cold.
(He rips off his shirt and runs for the water.)
(Diane stands watching for a few moments. Soon, he comes back out - dripping wet and looking fabulously sexy.)
(Diane can barely speak.)
Diane: I - ah -
Sam: (quite aware of the effect he's having) Yes?
Diane: I think I'll go too.
(She whips off her sundress, her bathing suit is underneath. She runs for the water.)
(Minutes later, she comes out drenched and wringing out her hair. Sam is sitting on the beach. She plops down next to him. They both stare into the ocean.)
Diane: We are never going to get through this night, are we?
Sam: Diane, listen … I'll sleep out here on the beach. I'm sorry I've been making so many passes.
Diane: It's too cold for you to sleep out here.
Sam: It's that or we're going to get ourselves into a lot of trouble.
Diane: What is wrong with us?
Sam: There's nothing wrong with us. We're two healthy young adults and at least one of us is incredibly attracted to the other.
Diane: (coyly) Oh really? And which one of us is that?
Sam: Pretty obvious isn't it - the way you tricked me into getting wet and half naked?
(He gives her a playful bump with his shoulder.)
Diane: (sighs) I just - Sam… I know sex to you is just, like, throwing a baseball or scratching your chin - maybe going to a movie if you really like a girl - but for me it's not that way. If we spent the night together, you'd soon be off looking behind bimbo door number three, and I'd be the one hurt and confused. Does that even begin to register in your reptilian brain?
Sam: I guess I just don't think about what I'm saying or doing as much as I should. You're the one who makes me think about that kind of stuff. (grins) Which is why I will have to kill you.
(She smiles at him. He pauses, looks up at the glowing moon.)
Besides, what makes you think it would be like that?
Diane: Like what?
Sam: That I'd be off looking behind bimbo door number three?
Diane: Okay, maybe bimbo door number two. (She grins.) Sam, it's been a few months. I've had plenty of opportunity to observe your behavior in your native habitat.
Sam: And you don't believe things can change?
Diane: Not right now, I don't, no.
(He stands up, brushes off some sand, and reaches down for her hand.)
Sam: Come on. We can do this friends-only thing.
(She stands.)
Diane: Yes, we can. I know we can. Thank you, Sam.
(She kisses him on the cheek and turns to leave. Just as she's about to move completely out of his grasp, he reaches out, snags her by the hand and yanks her back to him. He leans in kisses her passionately.)
(They finally come up for air.)
Diane: (breathlessly) Sam, you ... swore on Coach's life ...
Sam: Did I ever tell you how much I hate that guy?
(He kisses her again and she gives into it, wrapping her arms around his neck.)