Meow: Ufufu…Finally, my first Naruto crack-fic! I find it so odd that my first two Naruto fics were both angst/tragedy, with Sasuke dying… I mean, I write crack! It's what I do! *slaps self repeatedly*
Anyway, it's not like Sasuke will fare any better in this story. He probably won't die though. Just his sanity. I must really enjoy making him suffer…
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Ha! I did it without a single comment on how completely unnecessary that was!
Warning: OOCness. Pure OOCness. After reading this, you may or may not lose respect for some characters, but for me, it's all in the name of fun. XD And…um…god!rock? I don't know. I guess there is an OC, but it's a rock…come on, people.
There once was a rock in the world of ninjas. It was big and funny-looking, and it also happened to damn random people who it didn't like for eternity.
Thus, it was named "The Big Funny-Looking Rock of Eternal Damnation," or the "TBFLRED," for short. People who lived near it and were familiar with the legend affectionately referred to it as "Fred."
It is said that it changed location from time to time, but it didn't do so very often. Also, it occasionally altered its shape. However, Fred always stayed true to its name and remained funny-looking. Its methods of torture were never used twice; they changed depending on its mood.
Yes, rocks have moods. Acknowledge that, or Fred will damn you.
All in all, Fred was a flexible, free rock. It did what it wished to do, and changed when it wanted to.
Two things that never changed, though, were that every single person it damned became insane, and that nothing can ever hope to destroy it. Not even Zaraki Kenpachi*. Of course, not that he would want to, because where was the fun in fighting a rock?
~~~~~~~rockrockrockrockrock~~~~~~~
Uchiha Sasuke was tired. Really, who wouldn't be after all of that spotlight-stealing that he's been doing?
Anyway, by a bend in the river that he was walking along, hoping to find shelter for the night, Sasuke chanced upon a large rock, which was shaped vaguely like two hundred rabid rodents trying to dismember a telephone using an oversized tennis racket. What an average-looking rock, thought the raven-haired avenger.
After searching its surface thoroughly for traps (which left Fred feeling slightly violated), Sasuke decided that it would be safe to sleep on it.
Now, Fred was a forgiving rock. It allowed itself to be searched, thinking that the only reason the boy was being so paranoid was because he was a ninja. But as soon as the kid started to make himself comfortable in the spot between the "tennis racket" and the "telephone," Fred had enough. I mean, come on. Would you like having an angsty little Uchiha sleep on you?
If you're a fangirl, don't answer that.
It sucked Sasuke into the famed "Portal of Insanity," which, as he would soon discover, was extremely aptly named.
~~~~~~~rockrockrockrockrock~~~~~~~
Sasuke woke up staring into a very familiar pair of eyes. Eyes that he thought he'd never see again. Eyes whose owner he had killed.
"I-Itachi's ghost?" he wondered aloud with an uncertain tone.
Without giving any indication that he had heard, the man and his eyes stared at him some more for a couple of seconds, and then whirled around, begging the orange-haired man that stood behind him.
"HE'S SO CUUUUTE!!! LET'S KEEP HIM, PEIN!!!"
"But Itachi-" said Pein, trying to object.
"We need a mascot!"
"We have Tobi," said Pein with a hint of exasperation.
"But…but…he'll be lonely! And cold! And hungry!"
Pein sighed. "Just leave him to die, Itachi…"
"But he's too young to die!" yelled Itachi, looking horrified.
"You can't even take care of a fish-"
"But it's not my fault Kisame was hungry!"
"Yeah? Well what if Zetsu gets hungry? He'll eat the kid! He's gonna die either way!"
This argument went on for a couple more minutes, until Itachi pulled out his trump card.
"I'm telling Konan that you were going to leave a defenseless boy to die!"
Pein slumped. "Fine…" he muttered, his defeat evident.
Sasuke looked on, obviously scared out of his wits, cowering in a dark corner. He came to a conclusion; in fact, it was the first correct conclusion he had come to since the beginning of this pointless, nonsensical, poorly written fanfiction: The Rock had cursed him.
And naturally, being the emo Uchiha he is, he swore to take revenge.
* Epic character in Bleach. Captain of the Eleventh Division, pwns everything with brute force. Finds fun in fighting opponents that are likely to kill him, but he's too badass to die.
Well, that's finally over with. First chapter's a bitch. And second, and third, and fourth…you get the point.
Special thanks to Rubyemmy and my partner-in-crime, Mango (who says hi), for putting up with me and my insanity on a daily basis (imagine the horror!).
Stick around (or not, if you value your IQ) for the next (horrendous) installment of The Big Funny-Looking Rock of Eternal Damnation!