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Written for;
100 Ways To Say - 26. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
Friends Competition - S9, Ep 17 - Write about a character who died in Canon.
Left Behind
Sirius watched his boyfriend with concern. It had been a hard few weeks, and of all of them, it was Remus that seemed to have taken it hardest. With James and Lily now in hiding with Harry, and Peter hiding away with the secret to their safety, it was the first night they'd had to themselves.
Sadly, Remus didn't seem to be in the mood for a kiss and a cuddle on the sofa.
"Moony?"
Physically jumping, Remus spun around in his seat, only relaxing when his eyes focused on Sirius.
"What's wrong?" Remus asked, his tone sharp and demanding.
"Nothing," Sirius murmured quietly.
He walked towards Remus, chastising himself for his cautious steps. This was Moony, his Moony. There was nothing to be cautious about.
Too late for the observant werewolf, Sirius arrived by his side.
"I scared you," Remus whispered, looking appalled with himself. "You… you were scared of me. Why were you scared of me?"
"I wasn't," Sirius denied vehemently. "I've never been scared of you, Moony, and I never will be. I just… I hate to see you so stressed out."
"I saw you!" Remus muttered. "You… I…"
Sirius recoiled slightly when Remus pulled at his hair, anguish written all over his face. With a final step, Sirius pulled Remus' arms away from his hair, trapping them beneath his own arms as he hugged his boyfriend tightly.
"I don't know what's going on with you, but whatever it is… let me in Remus. Let me help."
Remus broke out of the cage Sirius' arms had him in, raising an angry fist to punch the wall. "I hate this! Everything about it! James and Lily in hiding, suspicions everywhere, not knowing who to trust, not knowing who is on what side and why, not knowing anything! I hate Voldemort, and I hate the Death Eaters, and I hate -"
Remus trailed off, his mind moving too fast for his mouth to keep up. Sirius's heart pounded painfully in his chest as he watched the most important person in his life fall apart.
"Remus -"
Remus shook Sirius off, stalking from the room. Sirius was at a loss. He knew how Remus felt, but he didn't know how to help him release his anger. Carrying so much hatred was a terrible thing for anyone to have to deal with, and Sirius knew that with the full moon so close, Remus would be feeling it even worse.
He waited for Remus for thirty seven tense minutes, sighing with relief when he heard the familiar soft footsteps coming down the carpeted stairs.
"I'm sorry," Remus whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"You've got nothing to apologise for," Sirius replied, a small frown creasing the skin between his eyes. "Just… come here."
"I'm so scared, all the time, Sirius. I just… What would I do if I lost you?"
Sirius pulled Remus down beside him, pressing a kiss to his temple as soon as he could. "I love you, Moony."
"I love you too."
Two days later, James and Lily died.
Three days after that, Sirius was arrested for the Murder of Peter Pettigrew.
"I can't do this again."
The words were spoken quietly, and Sirius wouldn't have heard them if he hadn't been sitting so close to Remus.
"You don't have a choice, it's do or die," Sirius replied, offering Remus a small smile. "We're older now, Moony, but it changes nothing. People are still going to die, we're still going to have to fight. Time hasn't changed a thing."
"Time changes everything," Remus argued. "Before, we had each other."
"We still do, don't we?"
"Thirteen years alone changes a person."
Sirius scoffed at the bitter tone. "You don't think thirteen years in Azkaban changes a person, Remus? You don't think that I regret everything I did that took me away from you. For Merlin's sake, Remus, I hated myself. Despised myself for leaving you. You don't think something like that would leave its mark?"
"I didn't mean -"
"Of course you did. You blame me for the fact that you were alone for thirteen years. You're in good company, Remus, because I blame me too."
"Sirius -"
"I'm going to feed Buckbeak. I'll talk to you later."
"Something's coming, Remus."
"What? Why do you think that?"
"It's nearly the end of Harry's school year. He told me that something happens at the end of every year. I'm terrified of what that could mean this time," Sirius admitted. They were slouched on the sofa in front of the fire, a rare night for Sirius, who'd been drowning in solitude.
"We'll just have to hope that this year he's wrong," Remus replied, reaching over to squeeze Sirius' hand.
Sirius caught his hand before he could pull it away.
"I miss you, Remus. I… I'm sorry. For, well for everything, but I'm sorry for leaving you alone. That's my biggest regret."
Remus shook his head. "Just… don't do it again, okay? I can handle the rest, but I can't be left behind again."
Sirius smiled shifting over to lean against his best friend.
"I'll try my best. I do love you, Moony."
"I know. I love you too, Padfoot."
Two days later, Sirius fell through the veil.
Three days after that, Moony howled for his lost mate - again.
"I'm sorry you died, Moony."
"I'm… I hate that I've left Teddy behind. Harry will look after him, though, of that I have no doubt."
"He's done good. I'm so proud of him. I hope… I hope he knows that."
"He does. You left me again, Sirius."
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. We have… eternity for me to make it up to you though. Interested?"
"Merlin, yes."
"I love you, Moony."
"I love you too, Padfoot."